We were in middle school when Autumn got her first boyfriend.

In fact, most of my classmates started going out around that time. Guess it was the age when people were curious about the opposite gender. All those crushes which were till then one-sided, suddenly started to bloom. And bloom widely they did.

I remember the plight of Marilyn Vincent, one of the most gorgeous girls of our school. I use plight because I really did feel sorry for what she went through. Doe-eyed with platinum blonde hair and a heart shaped face, she was really pretty. Autumn and I were in awe of her, and not just because of her looks.

She was a vibrant butterfly in terms of her social relationships. That even with her popular status at school, she used to stop and chat with the likes of me spoke volumes of her character. Am I biased because she chose to disregard my self imposed wall of loneliness? So it may seem, but the whole school admired her.

However the adoration took a different form shortly after we entered middle school. Valentine's Day that year saw her locker getting flooded with 'anonymous' letters and red roses. It was a sight to behold. Marilyn herself was stunned for a few moments, but the mature person in her took reins soon enough.

'Don't get me wrong. Being at the receiving end of so much of appreciation, of whatever it is, is overwhelming. But that's all. Most of these guys are looking for a good time, if you know what I mean. There may be some genuine feeling in there somewhere, but I don't have the time to look for them, at least not now. Maybe when I am older?'

That's what she had said verbatim when one of the girls in our class had asked, rather haughtily, why she was not thrilled with all this attention. I remember it word by word because I was really impressed by her answer. I still use a condensed version of that reply whenever Autumn comments on my dating life, or the lack thereof.

Marilyn transferred out of our school a year ago when her father was elected as the senator for Westville, the town next to Greenbury. It was a loss worth mourning for the male population of the school.

Autumn always complained that I should live a little - that one date will not cost me anything. She is full of romantic garbage like that: prince charming, forever and whatnot, despite her fierce exterior.

Truth is, seeing one's family relationships crumble in front of one's eyes, sort of destroys your belief in them. Mom loved dad. A part of her still loves him, I think. She has never shared that part of her life with me. The little information I have, is from the bits and pieces that I had overheard over time from grandma and mom's conversation.

Apparently, mom and dad met while in college. Dad, as I know him now, has two faces: one, which he dons in his house, and the other, when in public. The first is cruelty and indifference at its peak; the latter is charm and chivalry. Mom probably was blinded by the latter. She could hardly be blamed for that though. Dad can be very persuasive when he wants to be.

So they dated for a while and mom was totally head over heels for him. She thought that he was 'the one', what with his constant attentiveness to her needs and his protective attitude towards her.

Of course now she knows that the attention was a facade, and the actions that screamed protection was a form of mercenary possessiveness. This was a lesson she learned after being married to him for years. It was not possible for her to have this knowledge back then, keeping in mind dad's nature and the short period that they knew each other. So it was all rainbows and sunshine for a long time, but things soon did take an ugly turn.

Mom found out that she was pregnant. She was ecstatic, of course. Mom always thinks from her heart-a trait that has been passed onto me as well. But I have learned to let my brain guide me even when the heart tugs me in one direction. Mom did not know that trick. Grandma and grandpa raised their daughters with love and care, and gave them choices and never suppressed them. Though that is something that I envy in many people, it could be more bad than good while dealing with people like dad. He is quick to perceive the vulnerabilities in others and attack them once the chance presents itself.

Mom did fall prey to it. Her happiness on carrying a child soon gave way to sorrow when she found that dad did not share her joy. In fact, he could not wait to high tail out of the situation fast enough. He said that it was mom's fault that she was pregnant and called it her 'ploy' to 'trap him'.

How do I know the words that he used? Simply because he still uses them. He rehashes the past whenever he is on his warpath of abuse. I never minded, though for those were the only instances where I could fill in the gaps that were left blank from the talks between mom and grandma that I had overheard.

But anyway his plans backfired when mom's parents came to know of the matter. They were not happy with mom's actions. But they respected her choice to raise the child, even when she was in her early twenties. They were more than ready to help her daughter, but that did not mean they were going to let dad off the hook.

Again it was from dad's 'reminiscences' that I got to know how grandpa made it clear that he did not expect dad to be there for me. Impractical as it is, I do sometimes wish it would have been nice if I was there. All I wanted was a glimpse into the future and I would have flatly refused dad to play any part in our life.

Wishful thinking.

Mom was crestfallen, of course. She had looked up to dad all this time. She had planned out her little family. But all of it had gone into shambles.

Sure, she was grateful to the support of her parents. But that does not take the sting out of the fact that her dream had been lit up into flames before it had taken wings.

Then came the plot twist. Dad took a u-turn. He said that he was ashamed of his conduct and was willing to take up the 'burden', his pet name for his unborn child. He still calls me that. It has a nice ring to it. Makes me feel appreciated and loved.

But dad had certain conditions. One, that the marriage would be a quiet affair. Two, grandpa had to finance a business venture he had in mind. And if that failed, he had to aid him in the next. After all, dad would be earning money to keep grandpa's daughter and grandchild happy.

Grandpa was livid, according to grandma. He is usually so mild mannered that it is difficult to imagine him furious. But assessing from the hatred dad still fosters in his mind against grandpa, it is safe to assume that things did get ugly.

In the end, mom's yearning for love won over grandpa. She thought that with time, dad would grow to love her as she did him and everything will be alright.

She still berates herself for that mistake.

I will not blame her for she could never have possibly anticipated the way things turned out to be. But what I did learn from all of this was love is not for everyone. Films and novels over romanticize them. In my opinion, the concept of love as something worth the pain and tears is overrated. What happened with mom is more than proof for it. She was separated from her parents, lost one of her children and now she is slowly losing her life.

"All in the name of love".

No. I will not live my life at the mercy of someone who might care the least for me. It is wrong of me to expect everyone to be of the same mould as dad. But one can hardly be expected to know a diamond from its imitation at first sight. And I do not want to make a mistake in knowing the difference, only to regret it for the rest of my life.
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Password: Cerulean Blue (favourite colour)

(Song credit: All in the Name of Love by Bebe Rexha and Martin Garrix)