Kora

I twirled around, to the other side of my bed, sleep was obviously not on my side. It was really difficult to shut my eyes, even for a second, and I wondered why. Why couldn't I sleep, and why did I keep turning back to my phone, wondering why he had not texted me yet? I turned over yet again, so I could face the ceiling.

What on earth is wrong with you, Kora? What are you thinking?

Grace's words kept on ringing in my head. I wanted to shake it off, but I couldn't. I couldn't help but think she had a point. He deserved to know the truth, to know everything, but the truth scared me so much, and I was almost certain it was going to scare him too. I rubbed my arms at once.

So Jeremiah and Jeremiah were the same people? As crazy as it sounded, I wasn't sure how I felt about it, I wasn't sure I was even disappointed at all. Maybe at a point I had actually wanted them to be the same people, right until he was mean to me repeatedly, but that wasn't all, I also didn't know how to feel about the part where he was engaged.

Engaged.

How on earth did he not tell me? Why? Didn't he think I deserved to know?

You didn't tell him a lot of things too, Kora.

I guess that was what our problem was. Jeremiah and I, we never really talked about our past. We were so focused on getting to know each other, that we had not even bothered to know what exactly was going on in our lives. Not that I could blame him, my past wasn't anything I was proud of, and so it was almost impossible to talk about it. Maybe it was that way with him too, maybe he had a past he wasn't proud of too.

There had to be a reason why he hated getting along with people. Why he was unnecessarily rude and arrogant, and just couldn't care less about anyone or anything.

I kept a lot from him too, my true identity taking the first place on the list, so I couldn't really blame him for leaving the part where he was engaged out. I mean, would I have even wanted to talk to him if I had known he was engaged? Tried to at least know him? I think not.

Besides, just like Grace said, it might just be for politics. Just like I've seen it in movies, and I heard about how rich people don't really care about marriage, and how they got married for all sorts of reasons. Emphasis on all sorts. But did it look like that was their case though? Oma and Jeremiah looked really close, to not think they were in love. I noticed the way he looked at her, and even worse, the way she looked at him. She was in love with him. They were everyone's couple goals. He was all over her instagram, even though he really didn't post much about himself or her, on his Instagram. He barely posted anything at all.

But still, why did I feel uneasy, and so sad, and so upset? I just wish I had known somehow. Why was I feeling this way?

Was I jealous?

I scoffed.

I couldn't be jealous. Why on earth would I even be jealous? I didn't like him, at least not in that way. I had no feelings for him whatsoever, and so there was no reason for me to feel that way.

"Keep telling that to yourself, Kora."
Grace's voice echoed in my head. I exhaled.

I could hear my own heart beat rise again. Just thinking about him, made it beat so hard. Why was it beating so fast? The only time my heart ever jumped like this was when I got a free fashionova gift card from my mum, or when I was with Luke.

Breathe Kora.
I took a deep breath.

Churn!

I turned to my phone quickly, and picked it up from the bed, a part of me hoped it was him. A part of me got what it wanted. It really was him.

"You asleep?"

I held my breath staring into my phone. I swallowed hard. It was him, texting me. Texting me!

What was I going to do? What on earth was I going to do? I wasn't even sure I was able to keep up a conversation with him at that point, without giving up the truth about everything. I was losing my composure.

Just act natural, Kora. Act like you've always done with him. Don't panic.

I bit on my lip. I honestly didn't want to leave him on read, or make him feel like there was something wrong. I let out a sigh, and sat up a little bit more.

"Not exactly." I typed back. "Can't sleep. What about you?"

"Can't sleep either."

"Oh." I wonder why.

"How are you? How did your day go?"

"Same old, same old." I paused. "I met someone today. A girl who could play the violin. Perfectly."

"You did? That's cool."

"Yup."

Define catfishing and liar, because I was exactly the definition of those two words. For a reason I wanted to see his reaction if I had told him about what happened earlier, but in reverse psychology.

"Really beautiful. She played so well too, just that she was really mean. She got angry when she caught me watching her."

"Oh she did?"

"Yes, really angry. I wished I had got to listen to her longer. She played really good."

"Maybe she doesn't do too well with playing, when there's someone watching,"

"Maybe. Or maybe she just doesn't like me."

"You can't just conclude that, without hearing her say it first. Y'all just met. What is wrong with you? 😂"

"People don't have to tell you they don't like you. They could just, you know- show you."

"How about this, why do you have to care about what people think about you? How they feel? Why do you have to care about how anyone feels about you? You're an amazing person, Kora, you don't need anyone's validation. Maybe you should stop trying to get everyone to like you, and just stick with those that do."

"I know, I just feel- sometimes, people learn to like things, other people, without knowing them. Without really knowing them, and then when they finally do, the feeling just, you know, goes away."

Typing......

I bit my lip. He was taking so long. What exactly was he about to say? Was I pushing too hard? Had I let him catch on?

"Is this about you and me?"
I held my breath.

"🤷🏽‍♀️. Maybe."

"You're scared I won't like you when I see you? That something is going to change?"

"I'm not scared. I'm just you know- it just crossed my mind."

"Why would would you even think that?"

"I don't know. Sometimes, people shouldn't push too hard on somethings. What if you don't get to like the physical version of me? What if  I'm way different from the person you think I am? What if I'm not who you think I am? What if I'm below your expectations?"

"Uh- well, that's a lot of what Ifs💀😂."

"I'm actually serious."

"Why are you so worried about any of this? What are you so scared of? Why do you want to be above my expectations? What if I don't have any expectations?

"Everyone has expectations?"

"When you've lived the way I have, trust me, you'd be ready for anything. Nothing would ever surprise you."

"Hmm."

"There's no reason for you to even feel this way, like I've seen you, at least I know what you look like. I also know you're way too real to be below my expectations. I honestly don't give a cent about anything else, as long as you're just you. You're one of the realest people I've met Kora, you're kind, compassionate. You've never lied to me. All my life, I've been surrounded by a lot of secrets and lies, and dishonest people, but you, you're different. You're honest, and that's why I'm attracted to you. There's no need at all to want to be above my expectations- what the hell does that even mean?"

"Attracted to me?"

Wait a minute. Did he just say he was attracted to me?

Typing...

"I thought you knew that by now. I mean, isn't it obvious? That I'm actually starting to like you?"

Oh no. No-no-no-no. I honestly didn't want to hear anything else.

"Kora, I tell you about everything. I spend half my day talking to you, something I don't think I do with anyone. It's like I'm drawn to you. I can't explain it, but it's just what it is.  I like you. And it's not like when two friends like each other, like I really like you. I'm not saying it so you could like me back, heck, I don't even know why I'm even saying this, especially since you have that situation with your ex boyfriend, but that's just who I am. I hate lying to people, and most of all, I hate lying to myself. If there's anyone that should be worried about not being up to anyone's expectations, it's me. Me to you."

I let out an exhale.

"I'm not perfect Kora, trust me. I'm a guy with a lot of issues, too many to even count. I can't talk about all of them right now, but I'm pretty messed up. I distance myself from people, and act like I don't see them, because that's the only way I get to protect myself. If anyone ever got to know the person I really am, if you got to know- you'd never think of me the same way again, and that's the only thing I'm scared of, losing anyone else, especially you, because there aren't much people like that around me."

"But you can not be feeling this way about me". I wanted to type out those words so badly. "You're engaged and I'm- I'm me."

I was in a lot of trouble now. Grace was right. This was going to blow up in my face. All my lies, everything. Jeremiah had just admitted that he liked me! Jeremiah Ozor, but it wasn't me he liked, it was the version of me in his head, My mum. I just couldn't, I couldn't keep up with it, I was finding it so hard to breathe. I wanted to tell him, I knew I had to tell him, I was done deceiving him. I was done.

"There's something you've got to know." I was almost done typing when-

Churn!

"I'm Jeremiah Ozor."
He sent his text right before mine. "I'm the son of Benjamin Ozor, CEO of Benoil, I school at NAUN too. I was going to tell you by the way, but something kept getting in the way. I'm engaged to someone, I know it's a lot to take in right now, but I'm ready to talk about all of it, if you are."

And there it was. That tiny voice in my head speaking to me. Wanting to listen to him first.

Don't do it, Kora.
My finger froze on the erase button on my keypad.

Don't do it. You have to tell him. You have to tell him today. You have to tell him right now.

But there was a part of me that just wanted to listen. That just wanted to know him, to know more about him, to understand this protective layer he had on him. All sides of him. There was a part of me that wasn't ready to lose him yet, and that was what telling the truth was going to cause me. Jeremiah was never going to forgive me. I could feel it, and I wasn't sure I was ready to lose him either.

Erase.

I cleared the words on my keypad. I didn't have to tell him at that moment. I knew I should, I knew it was the right thing to do, but not at that moment. I just couldn't tell him at that moment. I sat up straight in my bed.

"Tell me. I've got time. I want to know you Jeremiah, I really want to know you."

And I meant every single word.