There was a crumpled off white paper on the table of the library, I saw Al-Hassan entering and I walked out before he could ask me to stay.

I would not assert that I,totally or partly reject their company, I rather would add I instead love their circle but want limit my affection for them. I have to leave.

I opened the paper, the rough texture of the grains on The paper resulted goosebumps and then I felt the fresh aroma of black Indian Ink hit before the curvy calligraphy to my eyes.

The note in an old handwriting on the wrinkled unhappy paper said

I admit to have loved weak,
Abhor thy negligence
That falls from ye face
In thou shalt reside my soul
Even if thou won't reside with me
I admit to have loved weak
I admit to have loved weaknesses
In crimson paper would thy
Agree to tie with me
Even though thou shalt never
Seek me
If art in heaven the Lord listens
If thou seeks for him
Let him be blessed with thee.

Rambled. It was screen to the mind of one who wrote it. But who?

None of the phrases connected.
I pulled a pin out of my head, rolled the paper around it and kept it in my journal.

I admit to have loved weak.

Al-Hassan?

I was not cooking now. I sat aside on the window frame. I saw outside, a extended garden with blue and pink foxgloves, Al-Wais's favourite foxgloves.

I smiled. Flowers, sunsets, the smell of green damp grass and the mud on the left. A faint smell of tea on the stove, of the disturbing flame by the childish wind.

Here is peace? I turned and I saw Al-Wais standing. The powder blue English Cup in his one hand,the other in his pocket, carefully smiling at me.

I smiled back at him but it doesn't work so easily always but sometimes there is this urge to let go, free.

Then I gathered the open pleats of the gown surrounding me.

"I was wondering if you would join me tonight Miss Falaq-Naaz" he said.

My heartbeat stood hand in hand. He lifts spirit but I dare live.

"I don't know Al-Wais " I answered unsure.

"Then see you tonight " he said and turned, I laughed at the authority but he added "You look lovely today Miss Falaq-Naaz "

My smile should have altered, my breath should have sunk but instead I appreciated the compliment with my whole heart, like the soul inside me had earned it.

So I washed my hands in a hurry after the dinner and had Fateh brush quicker then I locked the door of my room but I reentered inside and stood in front of the mirror.

Magic mirror on the wall is Falaq the fairest them all?

There is slight comprehension today, today the woman who stands in reflection has a need  to be beautiful, she needs to look pretty .  Her strands has to curl perfectly at the bottom and her eyes need to be kept at the right center to look lighter, then her cheeks should be rosier and her skin silkier and she should be Lovely as lovely as she looked this morning. I wondered if it was my dress, the colbat blue plain box pleated wide flair gown. Or it was the pink scarf with red flowers that caught the attention. Whatever it was, it should revive itself for me again, for I call it now.

The door knob turned, Al-Hassan's voice entered.

"Miss Falaq-Naaz may I come inside? "

"Yes" I said.

"Are you occupied with something? "
He asked.

Peace or melancholy?

"Not anything in particular but I have something "

"Oh... Goodnight Miss Falaq-Naaz " he said.

"Goodnight Al-Hassan " I replied, guilty.

He departed from the room. I felt conscious of what I was doing now, I dragged off the pink scarf off my head and threw it on the floor, my hair tangled, messed-up and escaping from all sides hindered my eyesight. I pulled out the blue gown on the floor, unhooked the black bra off my chest and wore the worn out black pair.

The hair knotted in a bun, the wide eye eagle staring at the body of this twenty something old-young woman who fastened a white piece of long strip of cloth to her head scarf. Now I returned to my reflection, inside a voice says you deserve this.
I deserve rugged, worn out, dirty, ugly.
I do not deserve lovely.

Now I absconded to the passage, quickly stepping ahead and hiding behind the over lengthy black head gear.

I opened the way for the balcony and there on the large arm chair, a leg above the other, hand under chin, eyes restless. The King.

"oh Miss Falaq-Naaz, come.  What retained for so long? " he said.

"oh nothing. It was Al-Fateh.. " I halted my speech. Did I say Al-Fateh?  Why did I say Al-Fateh?

"it's Alright. I see no tea? "

It slipped from my mind, tea.

"I will sort some, give me a few minutes" I said and escaped to the kitchen, my heart thumping aloud.

What is happening?

I added the tea leaves to the water, the boiling water made weak sounds. I heard the door, Al-Wais entered.

"I said I'd be back in a few minutes " I
Remarked.

"well I am seldom so impatient " he responded.

My heart now robusting heavily.

he added sugar. I added milk. I laid the cup and saucer on the plate and he brought the tea on boil. Just how I like it.

His actions so tender, that it soothes. He gently poured the tea, not a single word just some repairing breaths.

"Come" he called.

I followed him.

We sat at the balcony, like a changed person I've returned.

"Al-Fateh is a bright child" he stated sipping the hot tea, he never let's the cup rest.

"I know. He's hard to convince though" I declared.

There was a feeble laugh and then raised an eyebrow.

I laughed understanding him " Must be hard for you to handle four, I'm all mad behind one"

"It is hard. I would admit to have been troubled by raising these young men but I seldom regret it" he answered.

"They must have given you a tough time, you have raised them up through all"

"Al-Hassan was with me, through all of it. Hard, rough, tough, broken, undesirable and unfair times. If I have  to take credit to father them, Al-Hassan have nuturned them as a brother, a guardian, a friend if not anybody than he has been my shield. When I broke,he held me"

I smiled at the brotherhood.

"Al-Hassan is much more than he seems" I said.

"Much more beautiful than he is outside. He is the most kindest if not the most beautiful I can guarantee "
He claimed.

Well I agree.

"Al-Souffian?  He didn't get through with you" I asked curiously.

"Al-Souffian is short tempered" he said. Then he sipped again.

"Al-Wildan and Al-Shizad I believe are extremely manageable. Their obedient and entitled to complete appreciation; if one asks as who are the nicest young men. I would like to say my brothers would rank high" he now flaunts.

I smiled wider.

"Fateh ain't so bad either" I said stressing my brows to which he laughed aloud.

"Of course he isn't bad Miss Naaz"

Naaz?

The very silence in the aura spreader like a bird in flight. I captured him unguarded and caught him.

"Naaz? " I reassured.

"I apologize " he said with his eyes caught to the floor.

"Do not Al-Wais. I do not mind your calling me Naaz" I smiled.

"Who calls you Naaz? " he asked.

"My father did, My mother did and now you do" my eyes tied to the floor.

A long silence followed.

"I love the flowers" I filled words into the silence around.

"Al-Wildan had planted them, they usually don't grow in such cold weather but there are miracles to ponder upon, Allah Akbar! "

"you have a serious love for fox gloves  if I am not wrong? "

"I do intensely adore foxgloves" he said.

"And periwinkles?" I asked.

"Not much"

"And Roses? "

"I was in North Europe once, I met a group of lassies they adorned red roses in their hair everytime. I have seen people fancy and worship the flower, anyhow I have no special regard for the flower besides the fact that it smells rather sweet. The ladies were cynical to any criticism they faced about red roses. I have seen them so ordinary. How can someone love something that is so likewise perfect, so extremely monotonous? "

I shook my head.

"So you say, something extremely beautiful is not worth of praise? "

"No, I said something so ordinary is not worth being over rated"

"Red Roses are beautiful. The cliché pulls apart Al-Wais"

"maybe it is not the roses but the people and their dire possessiveness invested in the flower that pulls me away from the pretty thing"

"Al-Wais, you have travelled a great deal to comprehend about roses"

"I'm agitated towards small things" he cleared.

"you've seen the world at Large... "
I wandered into his mind.

"but I'm still stuck on the mindless matter of who should be loved more? "

"what? " I looked at him.

"Roses or people?  I am mad at who, Roses or people? "

I laughed.

"You don't look mad" I said supporting my chin under the resting palm.

"Depends on the eyes. The people in Connecticut State always complained me to be frowning but I cleared it up to them that it is only my face"

I laughed louder.

"you've seen everyone it seems" I exclaimed.

"yes"

"and everything ?"

"yes"

"And that is so wonderful "

"It is. I have been everywhere and I am grateful for the times that I had, the places I've been to, the food I've eaten, the people I've met, the experiences I had, my brothers didn't even see half of what I did and I am here in Dar-Al-Maqamah and it is as wonderful as the world surrounding it is and I was content and I was grateful, I had had everything and it was everything until now.... "

His glimpse of smile got robbed by the air. My smile disappeared too. You can pick the pieces and sense these air. The silence was here to stay.

"Until now? " I spoke but with no voice,my lips moved.

"Until now" he repeated. I shrunk inside.

"until now" He rehearsed "until now I was content, until now I was grateful, until now everything was great, until now but No more"

I sucked in my breath.

"Now I am not content" he said. "I am not content. Years after the want has come back knocking at my door and I have forgotten the keys to my heart. The jammed doors know not how to be opened up again. Until now it was alright but now it won't be alright again. Miss Falaq-Naaz may you never know what I am talking about " he sounded scared.

"what do you mean? "I asked softly I. A whisper.

"I mean harm. I mean rebellious tragedy and I mean bad things Miss Naaz. Help me not to say it. Ask me to stop and tell me to seal my lips forever. Tell me to stitch my mouth to lies and tell my soul that it should stay  in the doomed corner of darkness  where It would wear blue and be blue mad sigh and sigh,where sighs form transparent clouds inside my head and tell me 'You are Al-Wais not Wais' ...hush me"

It broke my heart.... The sleek line of helplessness was running from within him, I pitied him.
My eyes filled up with tears. If he cannot say it, I would not expect it.

"I do not understand Al-Wais " I lied.

"It is better for you that you do not. Pretend that you didn't hear me" he spoke tragically.

"I don't understand " I repeated as a tear escaped.

"I apologize" he said "you must leave Miss Falaq-Naaz "

I breathed out a stubborn sob. My head falls Into my hands. Why am I crying?  Which part is it hurting?

I gathered myself and stood up. My legs loss the lesson learned to walk. I dragged my feet to the door. Aches. Heartaches. Throat tied with an invisible elastic band. Hurts. Hurts.

I breathed in and breathed out.

I looked over to him. He smiles and once again my function of respiration breaks down. This time the tears come back for him more than for me. Because I mourn and he cannot even mourn.

"You look Lovely "  he said.

I cried losing myself running into wide darkness of the passage.

(A/N:Leave the comments, they make my day)