After living in misery the past year, the last few hours were pure bliss. Sitting in the back of the ambulance was peaceful as I watched the day turn into night. The happiness coursing through my body consumed me.

I was riding a high like no other when I got wheeled in here, one that reminded me of when I was a kid and would spin around and around until I got butterflies in my stomach. However, that happiness was short-lived because reality set in as soon as the large doors to the psych ward locked into place.

I watch as Jason and Dave push the stretcher towards the elevator. Before getting in, Jason stops. He turns towards me and winks before offering me a little wisp of a smile.

I'm sure his handsome face and piercing blue eyes would make me blush if I were anywhere but a psych ward. But here I am, locked away like some prisoner behind two sets of locked hospital-grade metal doors.

I lift my hand and give the most pathetic wave imaginable, almost as a silent plea for help getting me out of here. When Jason disappears, I'm left staring down an empty hallway. After being here for five minutes, a part of me wants to break out. My heart begins to pound in my chest as my eyes dart in every direction to find a way out of this mess, but it's useless. The escape-proof doors do their job by keeping me from the outside world. The only way in or out is by being buzzed in.

I let the darkness take over when I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

Hold it forever.

That simple thought, no matter how deranged it is, grounds me because it is the reason I bit the bullet and had myself admitted.

The sound of sneakers squeaking against the tiled floor brings my attention to one of the nurses on duty. She has an awfully wide smile for someone working with crazy people. "How are you doing, Judith?"

"Honestly?" I pause and look into her dark brown eyes with an arched brow. "I want to go home. Please call me Judy. Judith reminds me of when I get in trouble."

A flicker of a smile pulls at her blush lips as she points to the manila folder in her hands. "I'll make a note of that in your chart. I don't want you to feel like you're in trouble here." She nods her head towards the open hallway and says, "I have to do your intake. Let's take a walk, and I'll show you around before we sit down and talk. I'm Jada, by the way."

"Oh. Okay."

The nursing station is the first thing you see when you walk into the ward. It's nothing special. It's like any other area where the hospital staff can meet and work on computers.

As I walk past the wrap-around desk, one of the other nurses takes out a key. She leans over to unlock a drawer and pulls out a stapler.

What an odd thing to keep locked away.

She quickly staples two pieces of paper together before putting the stapler back and locking the drawer.

I stop in my tracks and notice that although the nurses' station looks like any other you would find in a hospital, there is one significant difference—it's empty. My current situation is put into perspective now that I realize that basic office supplies are locked away. Nothing but three computers, a few files, and the occasional reusable drink tumblers take over the space. It looks weird—actually, scratch that—it's unsettling.

Jada steps in front of me and leans into the wall. "Are you okay?"

Fear creeps up my back and across my shoulders. "Am I in danger?" The words come out softly, and Jada looks at me with furrowed brows. "You keep the stapler locked away. Is that because someone could use it to hurt me?"

Jada's face softens, and she reaches out for my arm. She stops just as she is about to make contact with my shirt and drops her hand to her side. She almost forgot that she should not touch a crazy person without permission. Although I'm sure she just wanted to comfort me, I'm happy she used her nurse training because right now, my fight-or-flight response is kicking in. The last thing I need right now is to be locked in a room with a straight jacket because I got scared and punched a nurse.

"You're safe here. We have two wings to this ward." Jada points to another set of double doors and says, "We have a low-risk and high-risk area. You are low-risk, Judy. You're not dangerous, nor are the people in this wing."

All I can do is nod my head as I try to make sense of her words. I look down to the floor and begin to rock back and forth on my feet to soothe the mix of uncomfortable feelings taking hold of my body.

I stiffen like a scared little animal when Jada clears her throat. I want to run, but my feet stay in place as anxiety sends a tingling sensation across my skin. "Judy, you're safe here. The reality of the situation is that we have a strict protocol set in place to keep everyone protected. I know it sounds harsh, but it benefits everyone." She pauses and pushes away from the wall. When I look up at Jada, she walks towards the dimly lit hallway. "Let's show you around. You'll see that this place isn't so bad."

I walk behind Jada, and it's obvious how different our moods are. She has a pep in her step that has me questioning what happy pills she's on while I follow her like a lost little puppy who nods only when spoken to. I have my hands stuffed into my pockets as Jada points to the multiple doors lining the hallway. They are all cracked open, and she enthusiastically states that only eight patient rooms are on the floor, with two people sharing the space.

Jada guides me to a room and slowly opens the door, where I'm greeted with a single light shining above an empty bed. It's a standard hospital room. Absolutely nothing fancy about it.

"This will be your room," Jada whispers.

Her quiet voice, mixed with the closed curtain covering the darkened side of the room, gives me the impression that I will have a roommate.

I can't help but chuckle. All my friends are away at college, living their new lives with their new roommates, while I'm stuck in a psych ward with mine.

Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.

Needing a moment to recoup and gain control of my emotions, I look for an easy way to be alone. When I quickly scan the room, I realize there is no bathroom. I can't help but assume that is because we're all fucking psychos in the place, so they need to know what we are doing and where we are at all times.

As I back out of the room, I clear my throat. "I need to use the bathroom."

Jada nods and waves for me to follow her. "Right this way."

The women's bathroom is only a few doors down, and I rush in, desperate for a few minutes of peace and quiet. I've been fighting this war alone for so long that having people around me all day has been exhausting. I need to be by myself to process what I got myself into.

I'm so freaking tired, and even though my crazy thoughts are at a minimum at the moment, I'm freaking sad. I feel like I am on the brink of losing it, and the floodgates will open at any moment. If I start crying, I won't be able to stop. I pull in air and fill my lungs to their capacity before pushing the air out through pursed lips.

I can do this.

To make my trip to the bathroom as realistic as possible, I go to flush the toilet but stop when I hear a phone ring in the distance. The halls are quiet, and it seems no one else is awake besides me, Jada, and the nurse at the entrance.

"Send him up."

A flutter in my chest has me hoping it's Aaron. He told me he would head home and pack some stuff for my stay. I desperately want to see him.

I quickly flush and run out of the bathroom.

The nurse down the hall calls out to Jada and says. "There is someone here to drop off a bag for Judith."

It has to be Aaron. Who else would be bringing me anything? No one else knows where I am. With wide eyes, I look at Jada. "If it's my brother, can I please talk to him?" I might be new here, but it's clear they run this ward in a particular way, and my request will probably be denied. I'm not above begging, so I bring my hands together in a praying position in front of my chin. "Please."

Jada purses her lips together as if she is thinking over my request. She offers me a faint smile and nods. "You got one minute."

I make a quick dash down the hallway. With how fast my feet are hitting the floor, the shrill of my sneakers might wake up the whole unit. As I reach the front entrance, I hear the elevator ding.

Aaron walks out, and damn, he looks more messed up than I do. He might be twenty feet from me, but the bags under his eyes are visible from here.

Guilt instantly consumes me.

"Judy, I need you to stand over here," Jada says, pointing to a spot beside her.

They're probably afraid I will make a mad dash out the door. It's not like I would get very far since there are two sets of them, but I can't help but wonder if someone has tried that before.

As soon as the door clicks behind Aaron, I run and hug him.

"Hey, there, Juju." Despite looking like he's about to pass out, Aaron has a wide smile on his face. "I got your stuff."

"Thank you."

Just as I reach for the bag, Jada takes it from Aaron. "I'm going to need to go through this to make sure there is nothing that could be harmful to you or any of the other patients."

How dare she.

My pulse quickens as heat spreads across my body. I take a step towards Jada, but Aaron grabs my arm. "It's okay, Judy. They have to do it."

"I don't like that they are assuming that you would give me something that could hurt me," I say through gritted teeth.

Aaron takes my face in his hands, causing our eyes to meet. "I know, but you need to remember where you are. People and I'm not saying you, but people come here who want to hurt themselves. They are only doing their job right now. Don't get worked up over it."

His eyes scan my face as if he is trying to determine whether I understand what he just said. I want to scoff and walk away from him, but deep down, I know he's right.

Just because I understand doesn't mean I have to like it. "Whatever," I mumble as I push away from him.

Aaron rolls his hazel eyes and then turns his attention to Jada. "I'm sorry about her."

With a wave of her hand and a chuckle, Jada says, "Don't be. It happens all the time." She looks over to me with a smile still etched on her face. "Like I said before, Judy, It's for your safety. There are just some things people might not realize are dangerous for people who are in a fragile state."

"What do you mean?" Aaron asks.

Jada looks down at my shoes and points to them. "Shoelaces, for example. If Judy had on sneakers with laces, I would have to ask her to remove them."

"Wha..." I pause when a lightbulb in my brain goes off.

Those dangerous little buggers.

With wide eyes, I look up at Jada. She nods her head, realizing I put two and two together. "Exactly," she says before taking my belongings to the front desk and opening the zipper.

Aaron shifts on his feet while looking back and forth between me and Jada.

I don't know If I should feel bad that he has no idea what's going on or happy because he has never wanted to kill himself.

With a shrug of my shoulders, I pat my brother on the back. "It's so they don't find me dangling from the ceiling, silly. Like you said, they are just doing their job."

Aaron clears his throat and quickly turns towards the door. As he walks away from me, I reach out and grab his arm. "Hey, it's okay."

My brother looks like he is on the verge of tears, and my heart breaks. I quickly wrap my arms around his waist and pull him close. "Why are you upset?"

"It's fine. I'm fine."

"You have always been a horrible liar, Aaron."

With my head against his chest, the vibrations of his laugh bring a smile to my face. Aaron gives me a tight squeeze, then kisses the top of my head. "I'll have you know, I am a fantastic liar, Juju. I just don't like lying to the people I love."

"Judy?" Jada says as she zips up my bag. "We have some stuff to go over before you head to bed. Your brother can come back during visiting hours."

With a quick goodbye to Aaron, I follow Jada into a triage room behind the nursing station. Once I'm comfortable in my seat, Jada and I go over what's been going on in my life and why I decided on inpatient treatment. Her questions are almost identical to Anisha's, and I can't help but wonder if I will repeat the same story over and over again throughout my stay in the loony bin. My leg begins to bounce as I express my concerns and how I feel that everything has been going downhill with how my mental health has been declining.

I try my hardest to avoid Jada's gaze, but whenever I describe something that makes me uncomfortable, I instantly look up at her as if I said something wrong. Her kind smile never leaves her face, and she nods occasionally, understanding exactly what I am trying to describe to her like she's heard this all before.

Maybe she has.

With a quick click of her pen, Jada puts it safely in her pocket and places her notebook to the side. "Alright, Judy, I think we are all set. Did you want to shower before you head to bed?"

Well, that sounds fan-freaking-tastic. My hands instantly go up to the rat's nest on top of my head, and my fingers almost get stuck in the tangled mess when I scratch it. I think this is the longest I've gone between showers since the start of my mental health decline. "That would be great. I didn't see any showers, though."

I go to push off the chair but stop when a thought pops up in my mind. "You don't have to watch me shower, right?"

Jada shakes her head. "I do not. The only time someone would have to be in there with you is if you wanted to shave."

Satisfied with her answer, I slap my hands on my knees and stand up. "Looks like I will become a hairy beast during my stay."

Jada shows me to the shower room, which is located right next to where I will be staying. Pulling out a set of keys, she lets me know that I am free to shower whenever I want, but I need to let the staff know.

I thank her, and as I'm about to shut the door, Jada holds it open and hands me a towel. "When you're done, come and find me, okay?"

I nod, letting her know I heard her, and shut the door.

When I look around, this room is opl43hfirhgjrgnnnbgbggexactly what you would think it would be: a small area with bright lights, white tiles, and a standard white shower curtain that divides the space in two. There is more than enough space for two people in here, and I shiver thinking about having someone watch me as I save my legs.

After placing my bag on the counter, I turn on the shower.

The mirror immediately steams over as the hot water causes a humid fog to take over the room. I guess one of the nice things about staying in a psycho palace is that I will never run out of hot water like I do at home.

Speaking of home, I'm curious to find out what's in my bag. When I pull on the zipper, I instantly smile when I see my favorite pair of slippers and most comfortable clothes. I'm positive that everything in this bag was found in a dirty heap on my bedroom floor. My heart swells knowing that Aaron or Erica did a quick load of laundry so I wouldn't have to walk around in an old, used-up hospital gown and grippy socks.

God, I love them so much.

As I get to the bottom of the bag, I notice all my toiletries placed in individual baggies. That was most definitely Erica. She is the queen of organization. I wouldn't call her obsessive, but she definitely has a particular and methodical way of doing things. My room must be making her incredibly uncomfortable, so I make a mental note to call her tomorrow and apologize for the chaos I have brought to her in her own home.

Beneath the baggies, I see a folded-up note with my name on it.

Juju Bee

I'm so proud of you.

I love you forever,

Aaron

As tears begin to fall down my cheeks, I gently fold the piece of paper and tuck it safely in the bag's side pocket. I wonder if Aaron realizes that those five words will play on repeat during my stay here. They will help and guide me like a light of hope while I battle my demons and gain control of my life.

I will not lose this war. I will not give up, and I won't let Aaron down because I don't think he knows this, but he is the only person ever to tell me they are proud of me.