There is, actually, a tea room (also known as an all-purpose cafe) on Mars.

I don't recommend it, myself. Though I suppose you can only find Martian beetles in your tea once, right? Anyway, this one little tea room / all-purpose cafe had a very original name.

Tea Room Le Mars.

Which doesn't make a snippet of sense.

Don't question the logic when you're reading a book about an online chatroom with fictional characters debating the meaning of life and raspberries.

At about Mars o'clock on a Martian afternoon, somewhere on Mars, a number of people were entering the dingy little tearoom, not so much walking into it as oozing, eyeing each other in their space suits with the same wariness they bestowed upon the leaning structure.

Among them was:

George--ahem, Grant--um---*looks at smudged writing on hand*---Greg Lestrade, a simultaneously reluctant and curious Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, the Ninth Doctor (toting a large sack of bananas), the Tenth Doctor (toting Rose, Martha, and Donna with much enthusiasm about tea), the Eleventh Doctor (toting Amy, Rory, River, and Clara all at once--God help him) and Twelve. By himself. He's feeling grumpy today, we'll forgive him.

Trailing behind them was the late-comers, namely Captain Jack Harkness (prepare yourselves), Tony Stark, Hermione Granger, Legolas Greenleaf, Missy , and.....

Blimey.

The Flowerpot has arrived. This is not a drill, the Flowerpot has landed. One small step for a Flowerpot, one giant leap for Flowerpot-kind.

Annnnyway, moving on. The tea party. Yes.

Once inside, a tall, green waiter (not a real Martian, naturally; they look quite different) escorted them all to a long table with the Mad Hatter at one end of it and Jack Sparrow at the other.

"OI!" Jack (Sparrow) was shouting. "GIVE ME BACK MY FACE!"

So the Mad Hatter giggled and threw a teacup at his head.

They took their seats and ...

Well...

Chaos ensued.

Right off the bat, Donna accidentally jogged her elbow against Nine's tea, and they got in a shouting match immediately.

"I remember you!" Nine snapped. "Watch your elbows, madam!"

"DON'T MADAM ME, BIG EARS, I'VE GOT A LONG MEMORY TOO, AS LONG AS YOUR NOSE--"

Nine looked affronted. "Stop being so judgmental, airhead! Have some biscuits." Her mouth dropped open to retort but he shoved several biscuits in it before she could.

Missy was fencing Jack Sparrow with her umbrella, Sherlock was insulting party guests ("I wasn't insulting you, I was describing you. If you're going to be insulted by yourself that's entirely your business."), and the Tenth Doctor was pleasantly discussing science and various apocalypses with Tony Stark and Hermione Granger.

Legolas was still trying to get his spacesuit off, hopping around with one boot on and the other off, making supremely frustrated elven faces.

Eleven, meanwhile, was entirely oblivious to the chaos.

"Isn't this lovely?" he remarked to Amy, sipping his tea, and it took him a moment to realize the reason Amy wasn't replying was because she was trying to pull a large, Martian beetle with suckers off of Rory's face.

Shrugging, the Doctor turned to Clara instead, and smiled brightly. "Isn't this lovely?"

The Twelfth Doctor suddenly noticed Clara, and seemed to shrink in his seat, eyes watering, so she never got a chance to answer.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"Clara," he said hoarsely.

"No, I'm Clara," she smiled gently. "Who are you?"

Instead of answering, Twelve slid off of his seat and whisked off abruptly, taking his tea with him and looking most dismayed.

Legolas finally got his spacesuit off and sat down at the table.

The Mad Hatter was most affronted.

"How dare you sit there?" he shouted. "That is Invisible Superfluous Pernicious Finnigan McSarrow's seat! You might have squashed him if he'd actually been sitting there!"

Legolas looked behind him, bewildered, and found that the Mad Hatter was, in fact, speaking to him. "I do not know what you mean, Hatted Man," he said loftily. "I see no evidence of any Invisible Superfluous Pernicious Finnigan McSarrow."

"Oh, all right," said the Mad Hatter. "Never-mind. He's a bothersome chap anyway. How's Middle-Earth, Legless?"

"In chaos, as per custom. How is Wonderland, Hatted Man?"

"Frighteningly dull. Much less death."

Meanwhile, Captain Jack Harkness approached Rose and Martha with a teacup full of champagne.

"Hello-----" he started, with a grin.

"I'm married," said Martha.

"I don't mind," said Rose.

"All I did was say Hello!" Jack tossed his hands in the air theatrically, and accidentally dumped champagne all over the Tenth Doctor.

Ten whirled around and karate-kicked the teacup out of the air with his Converse, and while it was still hurtling across the room he whipped out his sonic and pointed it at it so it shattered into several pieces.

"Oh," he said, when he realized it was just Jack, and frowned, sniffing the spilled beverage. "This is a tea party, Jack."

"This ain't a party yet," Jack interjected, and whipped out a microphone from nowhere. Suddenly a disco ball came out of the ceiling and several Martian backup dancers sprang out of the floor, and huge speakers popped out of the table and started blasting music.

Jack Sparrow and Missy stopped sword-umbrella fencing at once, and Jack tackled Jack, the Mad Hatter backing him up.

"You're ruining the bloody tea party!" Jack exclaimed.

"YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S DONE, YANK!" cried the second Johnny Depp...er.. I mean... the Mad Hatter.

Just then, the doors to the Martian tea room/ multi purpose cafe swung open and Jim Moriarty and the Master burst in with Western-style pistols.

"Party's over," Moriarty grinned. "Give us all your weapons."

"And your biscuits," the Master added.

"Not our division," said Lestrade from one of the chairs.

"What is the cause of this crashing of the party?" Legolas demanded.

"JUST HAND OVER THE BISCUITS!"

Amy finally pulled the beetle off of Rory's face. "What if we don't?"

"Then we'll be most displeased," said Moriarty. "And you'll all die," he added, as an afterthought.

"WE WILL NEVER OBEY YOU-----" Donna started, shaking her fist, but Ten patted her on the shoulder.

"Donna," he said, in a low voice. "They're just biscuits."

"It's more than that," Donna scowled. "It is sacrificial of freedom and personal choice!It is the act of subjugation and the inevitable betrayal of trust and friendship and the act of obeying under the maniacal threat of tyrants! "

They all stared at her.

"The what?" Eleven blinked.

"Well said," said Tony, eating a biscuit and lounging in his suit, and high-fived Lestrade.

"Just give us the biscuits," the Master hissed menacingly, but Missy brandished her umbrella.

"FIGHT ME, BLONDIE!" she shouted.

"YOU WANNA GO?"

"THESE BISCUITS ARE MINE!"

"I BEG TO DIFFER, MARY POPPINS!" 

Legolas gasped. "They're taking the biscuits to Isengard!"

"Hush now, you little meme," said Tony, flapping his hands.

No one noticed. In the corner, Sherlock had been quietly making a bomb, eyed nervously by John Watson. Why was he making a bomb? No one knows. He was probably bored. Maybe he had something against the Flowerpot, which was sitting even more quietly in the other corner.

"I don't think this is smart, Sherlock," John whispered.

"On the contrary, John, it's genius," Sherlock smiled, the glow of radioactive eccentricity in his eyes.

Nine had started throwing bananas at Moriarty (whom Hermione was also levitating cakes at), Missy, her previous self, and Jack Sparrow were now fencing with an umbrella, a spork, and a broken sword, Ten was trying to get the chaos under control, Eleven was giggling and pointing, Amy and Rory were sighing and sharing an eye roll with Clara, Rose, and Martha, and Donna was debating politics with Legolas.

Oh, and Jack was flirting with the green backup dancers. He didn't much mind what was going on.

What a lovely tea party.

"Now," said Sherlock to himself, and raised his voice. "A BOMB, EVERYONE! MY COMPATRIOT AND I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT A BOMB IS GOING TO DETONATE IN THIS ROOM IN APPROXIMATELY FORTY-FIVE SECONDS! EVERYONE VACATE THE AREA!"

Silence.

Everyone stared at him, mid swing, mid banana, mid philosophical statement, and then went right back to what they were doing.

"Brilliant, Sherlock," said John sarcastically. "Now we've got a bomb about to go off and no one's listening."

"Oh, well," said Sherlock, and sipped his tea. "We'd best be going then."

Just then, the impossible happened.

Impossible-ish happened.

A spaceship crashed into the cafe.

Rather, it landed and sort of slid up to it, nearly knocking it over.

The airlocks opened and Princess Leia, Han Solo, Chewbacca, C3PO, and R2D2 showed up, in party hats.

"Get in losers!" Han shouted. "We're going to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens! Who's with me?"

There were several cheers and the cafe emptied, except for the Flowerpot.

It said, to the silence, to the broken tea cups and squashed bananas and uneaten biscuits, and I quote:

"Nay."