What does real love feel like?
I can see it
in my favourite tv show
or between my own parents.
I can hear it
in the pain
that inspired all my favourite songs.

What does love mean to me?
I can only understand it
as a spectator,
watching from the sidelines.
I can imagine it
might feel something like
watching a perfect sunset.

Have I ever felt someone else's love?
I can fool myself
into thinking that I have.
He loved me right?
I cannot know for sure
because they
never did.

Have I not learned by now?
I can only love another
once I secure
my own sense of self worth.
I cannot continue with my growth
while it's being stunted by external forces
of disappointment and misjudgement.

Will I ever gain the validation?
I can imagine what it might feel like
to gain that approval
from them.
I cannot imagine that I'll get my wish,
knowing they will never
respect me,
understand me,
value me;
love me.

Will they ever come to their senses?
I can try to change
hoping and praying
it will be enough.
I cannot imagine that anything
will ever
be enough.

When did I come to my senses?
Well - I can remember thinking recently
I was actually starting to feel it,
that true love for myself,
that people are always going on about.
I cannot remember now how I got there.
But I have big plans
to be there again.

When will I come to my senses?
I can tell myself one million times
that I do not need their validation.
Learn to value myself.
I cannot always get myself to listen.
Because no else would.
Again, I go unheard.

Who's fault is it that I reject most forms of love?
I can accept that it is mine
for allowing the self loathing
to escalate beyond my control.
I cannot see them ever owning up
to the part they played
in tearing me down.

Who'll teach me to accept the love I deserve?
I can only begin to find my inner peace,
hoping and aiming
to find it within myself.
I cannot imagine anyone having the ability
or patience to reverse
the lifetime of destruction done.

Why bother?
Well - I can see a better future for myself.
One where I'm understood,
one where I am heard and finally valued.
I cannot allow them to disrupt
the progress I've made.
Sorry. You're not winning this one.

Why blame them?
I can be quick to play the blame game,
but in this case alone I know the responsibility
is being fairly allocated.
I cannot believe all the fault is my own anymore.
Knowing I have began to recognize my faults,
and they never will.

How will I forgive them?
I can begin to forgive myself, after years
overwhelmed by suffocating guilt
and intense shame.
Learning when to drop my gloves.
I cannot change who I was
but I can learn from my past.
Choosing to be better everyday.

How will I forgive them?

I can,

I cannot?

Be kind,
Evangeline