Descriptions wary.

Depression.......It's like sitting in a bathtub when water has gone cold, your mind is too far gone and you have no desire to get out. And the room is getting darker and chill fills it.

You feel numb. You don't feel anything. You can't think about anything happy and when someone just mentions 'positive thoughts' you want to throw them underwater and say 'just breathe'.Or make a disabled person to sit up.

It's. Just. Not. Possible.

It's like.....when everyone starts talking how beautiful everything is and you see no color.

Anxiety is like you are constantly sprinting in your head to the point where you just cannot stop.

Everything is so overwhelming. And when you keep all of it inside, at some point you just burst.

It can start by snapping at people, getting easily frustrated and having emotional breakdowns when you don't do as good as you thought you did in a test.

And having both is....a torture. Especially on bad days.

And the problem is that people who don't have it will never understand. You simply can't and don't pretend you can.

Just be here to listen.

Just be there for the person.

~

Over the years I have noticed how numb I am getting and yet at the same time my empathy has grown as well.

I have noticed my hatred when people say 'just stay positive'

'It's going to be okay."

'You are not alone'

I can't stay positive since my brain can't produce serotonin as much as a normal person. It also includes dopamine.

So when someone tells you 'it's all in your head'
It literally is. There's a chemical imbalance in the brain. Do your research it's actually interesting.

The okay part is bullshit. Seriously? I am not okay when I cry to sleep. I am not okay at evenings in general, especially on a school day. I am never gonna be okay.

Sure, there are good days where I can admit I'm doing alright but honestly?

I'm getting extremely tired. So no, I'm not okay. I'm tired. Emotionally, physically, spiritually.

I was happy to start University. I was. Then I was reminded that the cracks in my soul are still present and God....it still hurts.

I was reminded of everything. Every little and large thing that set me apart.

I'm trying to do better but I am growing numb.

I'll never stop caring too much but that feeling is already captive.

It was good to be also reminded what it feels like to be happy. To have motivation. I haven't felt like that in.....well....I don't know.

The feelings of happiness honestly seems to me as a very distant memory already.

It's sad to admit I'm not use to them anymore. It's like a foreigner coming for a visit then going away again.