Note - dark shit ahead. You can tell by the swearing. Also it is overdramatic at some parts, others....I am just letting my emotions out.

Mind you this is a very emotional rant, coming from a person that is right now highly unstable and is going through some serious depression 'episode' or whatever.

So yeah, there's gonna be triggering stuff. And whiny. Also my thoughts are all over the place so If I'm not making sense then yeah - you already know the reason.

And don't freak out too much.

I'll delete this soon. Maybe before I go to sleep. I guess I need moral support or some shit like that. I don't know.

Right now....it's dark.

Now I am not into these kinds of dramatic shitcases that happen on Wattpad.

You know when someone tells outright they are gonna die or implying something like that.

Well I am doing something similar but the difference is - I am not spamming my conversation board and other people notifs just to get attention...or pity for that matter.

Now I don't know if my future will get better but right now, and these past few days, I don't trust myself at all.

So I'm writing this just in case.

Now don't see it as my note from the afterlife. I won't get that dramatic but see it as a rather....

Goodbye letter because God knows I'll be leaving Wattpad at some point in my life....however long that will be.

I must admit I am pretty, pretty, really deep in depression and for years I have grown more emotionless.

Update: 09/10/2019

I'm numb.

I am easily irritated.

For some reason I still lose myself watching flames.

And I'm also losing myself to depression.

And I don't want to fight anymore. I'm done. I have been done for a while now.

I almost did it two days ago. But why I feel like a ghost....I don't know.

I just feel like a shell of who I used to be. I'm not myself anymore.

I hate myself. I'm not the daughter my parents want. My brother deserves a sister who doesn't think about ending herself.

I feel like a failure. My University's schedule was great. I was finally learning what I wanted, but then anxiety just had to ruin it and I loathe myself for it.

I was living the best version of the scenario, but I have fucking anxiety and Satan blessed me with fucking depression.

Like it wasn't enough, knowing the fact that I feel like a mistake. Like I shouldn't be here.

There's no future for someone like me. There's nothing. Someone like me just can't survive this shit world. Everything is just too much and I can't do it without that damn thought, that people actually fucking care.

Well they care because they fucking have to. They feel obligated. Or I am just making excuses. Who the hell knows?

And I don't feel anything anymore. I don't. There's no emotion inside of me, except maybe frustration. But I feel numb.

I don't feel anything when I hug someone, I don't feel anything when I'm with my dog. I don't feel. I can't. If I do, I feel really odd. At least my head feels weird.

Don't worry, I'm going to rehab, because that's the only place I belong.

And don't tell me I belong in this world, because the world clearly has showed me over and over again that life just created me so I can die suffering.

I don't feel safe when I'm home. I don't feel safe with anyone, because I have too many harsh memories coming back to me like a sledgehammer.

And for these two days, the nurse and my psychiatrist keep reminding me that my parents do care. They have done everything they can to prove and it makes me rip my hair out, because I don't feel grateful, I don't feel happy, I don't feel anything by those statements and it is driving me insane.

I feel like my heart is now a large piece of shard and....goddammit it hurts. It is the only thing I can feel - hurt.

Again - I'm going to rehab. I am on medication. But these relapses are harsh.

And you bet I have died and I am just a empty shell of a human being who wants to killbherself. I'm not the person I was. Actually I think I'm still pretending to be her. I want to be her, but I hate that version of myself, but it is the only version of myself I know. I loved it and I hate it at the same time.

The amount of apathy and empathy I feel is driving me nuts.

I will probably take a nap or something.

Update: the next day

This is what it is like to have depression.

It is pure, agonising scream, that echo's for days.

It echo's through your chamber, reminding everything that is wrong with you. And it makes you believe it.

Update: 12/10/19

Hopeless would be one way how I feel right now.

And empty. Any positive emotion is sucked in a void, leaving me tired just by walking around the house.