"In order to rise from its own ashes,
A Phoenix must first burn."

- Octavia E. Butler -

I knew in that moment that I had to act unfazed, maybe come up with something, an explanation. Of course, nothing viable could possibly explain the unnatural color that my eyes were in that moment, but I had to at least attempt to provide a reason.

I stared down at the puddle, watching my eyes transition from a vivid blood red to a dark hazel, my natural eye color. I stood up slowly, trying to hide my shaking hands, and glanced at Cullen who was still gradually backing away from me, his eyes fixed on mine.

"Cullen, there's nothing wrong with my eyes," I laughed, casually. A laugh was good. Very blasé.

My voice was slightly wobbly, but not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

"But...but I saw what I saw," he choked out.

I needed to be more convincing. Questions about what just happened could be answered later. But now, I had to make sure he didn't think I was crazy, or worse.

"I think it was just a trick of the light," I shrugged, and because my hands were no longer shaking uncontrollably, I brushed a piece of hair out of my eyes to show him I was not disconcerted. Calm, even.

However, he still looked unnerved as he studied me. "Maybe I just...imagined it." He sounded reluctant, though.

"Probably," I nodded.

The sound of music suddenly filled the air and I realized the movie was starting. I completely forgot that I came here to see a movie. My expression was smooth and undisturbed, but internally, I felt like my entire body was about to collapse with shock. I was no longer burning intensely, but I felt somewhat nauseous.

What. Is. Happening. To. Me. Before I could actually keel over and fall to the ground, therefore giving away my false, calm demeanor, I grabbed Cullen's hand and we slowly walked back to the parking lot.

When we arrived back to the group, Cullen acted like nothing had happened, but out of the corner of my eye, I noticed he kept stealing glances at me, like he didn't trust me. I don't blame him, I thought.

When I arrived home after the movie it was long past my curfew, and I couldn't help feeling nervous as I stepped through the front door. But all the lights were off downstairs, so everyone must be asleep. With a sigh of relief, I climbed the stairs quietly, trying not to trip in the darkness.

I pushed the door open to my bedroom, flinching at the creak that it always made, and shut it behind me.

I clapped my hand over my mouth to stop myself from screaming. There was a figure sitting on the chair on the far side of my bedroom. Seth. I placed my hand over my racing heart, trying to calm myself down. He was flicking through a book, not paying any attention to the words. He looked up; his face was stern, an expression that I didn't usually see on Seth's face.

"Seth, I'm sorry..." I started to say. I knew he was angry at me for walking out. He would've wanted me to stand my ground, to be strong. But I wasn't. I ran, because I was a coward.

He stood up, crossed the room towards me and wrapped his arms around me. Surprised, I hugged him back. He pulled away and held me at arms length.

"Are you okay?" he wondered.

No, I thought. "I...I'm not sure."

"You don't have to be okay, Lili. Not in front of me. Tell me the truth."

I felt the tears roll down my cheeks, one by one. "I don't know how to feel. What to think. My mind can't really process anything."

"I get it. I've been through it, Lili. But I want you to think about this, and take your time."

"But mother said..."

"I know what mother said, but listen to me. This isn't something you can suddenly decide. You need to take some time and think about it." His tone was reassuring, but almost pleading, too.

"I don't have a choice. You know that," I argued. "If I don't become...you know, I won't be able to show my face in this house again. I'll no longer be a part of this family."

This broken, deranged family. My mother, my father; two people that raised me, even though I never felt like I was their daughter. Never really feeling that I was a part of this family. Always feeling like an outsider, an intruder. My brother, Seth, who I loved more than anyone in this entire world, who I couldn't live without. And although this family had never felt like my own, I didn't have anyone else to go too if I rejected their religion, no matter how macabre it was.

I felt the fire inside me again, drawing me in, enticing me. Somehow, I knew that this was the right decision. Maybe I wouldn't feel like an outcast in my own family anymore. The mere thought of this brought a smile to my face. I would be loved by my parents, for once in my life. I suddenly felt like a Phoenix rising from the ashes of my past; a single flame bursting and becoming something new, something better. From a single flame to an inferno.

"I'll do it. I'll be part of it," I said, finally embracing the scorching blaze within me.

Walking to school the next morning, I realized something was different. Something had changed. Maybe it was because I knew that I finally had become an integral part of my family, rather than a stranger in my own home. I felt lighter on my feet, like every step was no longer a strain. Admittedly, I still wasn't sure what it took to be a...satanist. The word still sent shivers up and down my back. It was something I would have to get used to, fast.

When I arrived at school, I suddenly realized that I didn't tell Seth about my eyes that night. The way they flickered like the embers in the fire within me. Deep red, the color of the sun as it kissed the land goodnight. It should've been the first thing that came to my mind when I was talking with him, but for some reason it wasn't. Maybe it was something I should keep to myself, for now.

My heart performed a somersault. Elijah stood with his back against my locker, arms folded. When he spotted me, his lips curled into a smile and so did mine. Something had changed inside me, too. The shyness was still there, as it was part of me, but I suddenly felt more confident.

I found myself striding up to him, pulling him against my body and crushing his lips against mine. He slipped his arms around my waist, enclosing me in his warmth. My fingers gripped the sleeves of his football jersey with urgency, and I completely ignored the fact that we were standing in a crowded school hallway.

He slowly pulled his lips away from mine, and when I opened my eyes, I saw that his eyebrows were raised in surprise. I was surprised too, at myself.

"I wasn't expecting that," he laughed.

"I'm sorry," I laughed. "I had to do it."

I was still very aware that his body was against mine. My fingers interlaced with his and he smiled.

"Don't apologize," he chuckled, tracing my cheekbones, and then my jawline with his fingertips.

Still holding his hand, I rummaged around in my locker for my books.

"How was your weekend?" he asked.

Very, very strange, I wanted to say. "It was good," I said, shutting my locker. "How was yours?"

We started walking. I didn't know what lesson he had but I hoped he had Physics because I didn't want to let go of his hand. Just being with him gave me a sense of euphoria that I'd never experienced before.

"It was okay. I had a lot of homework so I didn't really get up to much. Do you want to do something later?"

I thought of my parents sitting at home, waiting for their newly-converted-satanist daughter to return home from school, waiting to embrace and congratulate me. The mere thought of my parent's affection towards me was enough to bring a smile to my face.

"I'm busy later," I said. "What about tomorrow?"

"I've got a game tomorrow, but you can come and watch?"

I squeezed his hand. "I'd love too."

Thankfully, he had the same lesson as me, so we walked into the Physics lab together. I went to my seat in the front, and he sat down in his seat in the middle row.

It was hard to concentrate on the lesson when I knew he was watching me, a smile on his face. Sure enough, when I turned around, he was looking at me, arms folded, smiling. The urge to kiss him again, to feel his soft lips against mine, was overpowering.

As I turned around, I knew that starting out at a new school wasn't enough to give me a new identity. Because now, I finally understood, that this was my new life now.

And I was ready to begin.

Image: Elijah Collins - KJ Apa
Song: Bad Moon Rising - Mourning Ritual

© Olivia Clarke 2018
The Devil's Daughter