I get up early in the morning to read over my notes on baptism in my bible. It's not just a dunk in some water. It's symbolizing rebirth—a ceremony where you accept God into your heart and become reborn anew. Jesus was baptized. And now Lucy will be. Lucy will be reborn today.

I'm really hoping this will steer Lucy in the right direction. Though she calls herself the Devil, I don't see a Devil when I look into her eyes. I see someone who blames themselves for all the trauma they've been through and she does all these favors for people to please them. So she talks, acts, and does things that any troubled seventeen-year-old named Lucyfer hearing a voice claiming to be the Devil would do to cope. I'm hoping God of all beings can help her on this journey of redemption. And I'm hoping it starts today.

Although there is a reality that I may have to accept. One that I accepted with the presence of Jesus. The Devil may never leave Lucy's side. I've been on countless drugs. Multiple therapies. ECT. And yet, Jesus is still here. It's possible that baptism may not be enough the cleanse the Devil from Lucy.

It is different though. I have Jesus. She has the Devil. So hopefully this will work.

Delilah is the first to arrive at my house. I let her in and she takes a seat on my couch.

"I've been meaning to ask you about Lucy," I start. Delilah looks up waiting for me to ask, "What was it like when you guys first met?"

"Strange is a word I guess I could use to describe it. I was running away from my foster home for the hundredth time. When I came across a crossroads, I noticed a van. The back of the van opened and these two guys dressed in black pushed this naked woman into the center of the crossroads and drove off. The woman happened to be Lucy. I ran up to her, asking if she was okay and she acted like her normal Lucy self. Exuberant, sweet, funny. I took her back to my foster home, they took her in, and we started dating soon after that. Every time I tried to ask her about what happened that night she'd just switch the subject."

"It seems she has a lot of demons."

"Yeah. I wish she'd talk to someone about them. It seems like she likes you. So maybe you can get her to talk. Or at least get her to stop blaming herself for whatever happened during that time."

Someone knocks at the door. I open it and it's Squid. Squid enters and takes a seat next to Delilah.

"So how's this gonna work?" Squid asks, "Is there a river we're gonna go to or something?"

"No, it's too cold for that," I say, "They're gonna use inflatable hot tubs in the church."

Another knock at the door. This time it's Lucy wearing booty shorts and a black 'Dying Fetus' shirt that's see-through, showing that she's not wearing anything underneath. But she brought the towel I told her to.

"Looks like we're ready to go," I say to everyone, and we all make our way to my car.

I pull into Willow Creek and it doesn't take long for us to get to the church. I find parking not too far from the front and Lucy, as well as Squid, take their earbuds out.

"We're a bit early," I tell everyone, "So we're gonna have to wait a bit."

A light snow starts to fall upon us. Luckily my car has its heating cranked to the max.

"So what exactly happens when you get baptized?" Squid asks. Everyone turns and looks at me.

"Well," I start, "I've seen a lot of different baptisms. And I've read about more. But what happens is one but mostly two people, sometimes a pastor or priest and a person you know hold your hands while holding you above water. They ask if you're ready to accept God into your heart. And after you say yes they dunk you into the water and you arise. Then boom. You're baptized."

"That's it?" Delilah asks.

"I'm sure they'll do a better job of explaining it in the sermon. But it's not just a dunk in water. It's rebirth. You're coming out a new being when you arise from the water. Someone ready to walk with God."

"What was it like when you were baptized?" Lucy asks me.

"Oh me? I've never been baptized," I admit.

Everyone's looking at me like I told them my dirtiest secret.

"Well we're gonna get baptized together Judas or I'm ending up on the news," Lucy says, her stare straight as a razor. Squid laughs.

"Is that a threat?" I ask.

"It's a promise," she says, "Why the fuck aren't you of all people baptized?"

"I—it's—I don't want to make this day about me," I tell her, "It should be about you."

"The world doesn't revolve around me mother fucker! Why didn't you get baptized? We're your friends. We love you. Tell us."

I look around the car take a deep breath and start my story, "It starts with Jenny, my biological mom. She wouldn't let me get baptized until I figured out why Jesus wanted to be baptized by John, his cousin."

"Isn't she dead?" Lucy asks.

"Lucy," Delilah hisses. Lucy shrugs.

Then it hits me.

"Can I be baptized with you, Lucy?" I ask.

"Do you even have to ask?" she says.

We find seating right in the middle of the auditorium. I'm sitting on the edge near the aisle while Delilah sits to my left and Lucy and Squid are beside her. There's one hot tub at the front of the room, just below the stage. People are pouring in through the beige metal doors, more than I usually see come here. This place is known for its baptism sermons, so I think we're in for a treat.

The lights dim. A familiar face, Celeste, comes on stage with her guitar and stands in front of a microphone. She starts to play, her finger striking two strings simultaneously and everyone is captivated. Occasionally she changes chords for a brief second and then goes back to the original melody. Then she starts singing:

https://youtu.be/TcR1ut6FKYc

"From the beginning

Small lifeforms

They can kill without warning

So you don't explode

Stop your growing limbs and thinking

That you love them now you're blinking

And reminding her of him

Oh, you steal his features

And your mother is a bleacher

She don't even feel the heat, no

She don't even want to speak to you..."

Everything goes silent, but then she starts singing and playing again:

"But you

You'll always find another place to go

Oh you

You'll always find another womb to grow

To grow

To grow..."

When she sings 'To grow', she stums a beautiful riff on the guitar, then she's back to the original melody and singing the next verse:

"Well you can try to sink down deeply

Find the children lost at sea

Find the children who discretely

Were killed in infancy

To stop them holding you and screaming

That you lose your wildest dreaming

Still reminding you of him

How he left without reasons...

But you

You'll always find another place to go

Oh you

You'll always find another womb to grow

To grow

To grow..."

She transitions into the next part of the song by strumming her guitar in a way that fits the song but is entirely new. Then she sings the post-chorus:

"Well you can try to forget me but I won't let you easily

You can try to forget me but I won't let you easily

I'm floating out into water washed out to sea..."

She slows down her strumming and then starts playing those familiar chords in the beginning:

"Drifting away with time you'll regret you conceived it

Clean up the dead you leave behind

Just like insects

Clean up the dead you leave behind..."

The church erupts into applause. Celeste smiles and a man walks out and takes her guitar away. I turn to see Delilah's reaction and she's awe-struck. The performance really touched her. When the applause dies down Celeste takes a step toward a sheet music stand and begins to speak.

After Celeste's sermon, a man walks back on stage and hands her her guitar. She starts picking at the strings and forming at the chords and the staff of the church begin to walk down the isles. All four of us stand and step into the aisle.

"Alright," I start, "So Lucy and I will wait in line to be baptized. You guys just enjoy the music."

Lucy and I get up but Delilah has an expression on her face. Like something changed in the last forty-five minutes. I follow Lucy to the back of the line to get baptized, but can't take my eye off of Delilah. Squid has just stepped outside, and Delilah is all alone in her seat. Her eyes are beckoning; like she wanted to say something to me but couldn't.

I should go back.

"You should save me a spot in line," I tell Lucy. "I'm gonna go talk with Delilah really quick."

Lucy nods. I turn around and make my way back to Delilah. I can see the back of her blue hair sitting in her chair. The color is beginning to fade back to brown, which looks badass honestly.

I take a seat next to her and she jolts; like I scared her out of thinking.

Past Judas would wonder, 'What would Jesus say?' but I think it's better to wonder 'What would Judas with Jesus would say?' Because God won't live your life for you but with you.

Jesus is a row behind us, "You know what to do," he says.

"Hey, gorgeous," I say to her, "Everything okay?"

She smiles and her eyes meet mine.

"I don't think it's God that hates me," she confesses.

"What's there to hate?"

She rolls her eyes and snorts. Her face relaxes.

"No, I—um—I think I hate myself," she speaks, her right hand on her chest, "I don't think. I know. I hate myself. In fact, I don't think I've ever loved myself. Especially with all the sex and drugs. And I haven't used or had sex for like ever and I've just been using this time to figure out who I am. But that night Judas. That night you came into the Chick-fil-A. I—"

A tear rolls down her cheek. I don't say anything. I just let her take her time.

She continues, "I was going to kill myself. But then I met you and you asked me out. Then we met Squid. And then Lucy came back into my life. All of these crazy coincidences. I—I feel—I feel like my life is just going to be harder with God. More complicated. More faith clearly doesn't make your life easier."

"No. It doesn't make it easier. It makes it clearer. Have you ever heard of Hot Ones?"

"Is that a dating site for forty-year-old divorced dads?"

I laugh, "No, it's a talk show where they eat spicy chicken wings."

"Oh okay, that makes more sense."

"Anyway, during an interview with guest Neil Degrasse Tyson, the interviewer asked him a question. 'Can you tell me how small and insignificant I am in the grand scheme of the universe?' 

Tyson laughed and said: 'No. We define significance as 'I'm special and everything else isn't.' Cultures thinking they're special. Individuals thinking they're special. The top four ingredients of life, in your body. The top for atoms in order: Hydrogen, oxygen, carbon, nitrogen. Those four atoms. Do you know what the top four ingredients of the universe are? Hydrogen, oxygen, carbon, nitrogen.' 

The interviewer came to the conclusion and said 'I am the universe'. 

Tyson smiled and continued, 'Upon learning that you are not special because you do not contain special ingredients, is the same fact that includes the idea that while we live in this universe, the universe lives within us. We're special because the universe and us are the same things.'"

Delilah widens her eyes a little.

"D," I start, "God is the universe. And we are the universe. That doesn't mean we are God. But you and I are a part of God. God lives within us and we live within God. The person who put gum in your hair is a part of God. The people who call me 'Jesus Freak' are a part of God. Lucy. Squid. Our parents. Everything we see is God."

"That's why you're so nice to all of those assholes at school. They're all little pieces of God to you. And you don't want to mistreat them."

"I don't believe in them. There is no them. Only us."

Then I think of Matthew. How he was murdered and how Lucy and I were there. Maybe if we hadn't shown up to rough him up, he would've had a fighting chance against whoever was behind the tree.

I see Lucy waving at me from the line. There are three people in front of her.

"I gotta go," I tell Delilah, kissing her on the cheek. I leave her and head for Lucy, now third in line. I walk across rows of chairs to get to her. When I finally arrive, we're second in line.

"You ready?" Lucy asks.

"I guess," I laugh. I'm scanning the spot where I last saw Delilah but I'm having a hard time looking for her with all the chaos and lights beaming down on us.

And just like that, we're next. The pastor from when Delilah first came here is waiting for us beside an inflatable blue hot tub. Lucy hops in first with no hesitation. I dip my right leg in first and the water warms me to my thigh. I put my other leg in and stand at Lucy's left. Lucy then grabs our hands and we all sit in unison in the tub.

"Are all three of you willing to accept God into your heart?" The pastor asks. Lucy and I gaze into  each other and we nod at him. He then puts his hand on Lucy's upper chest, and we follow her under.

I'm only under for a second, but I'm able to recall the goal I set out to accomplish my senior year. Junior year and previous school years I was—well—to put it bluntly—I was a self-righteous asshole. But I realized I was reflection of Jenny and I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. So I made a vow to change. And to live my life how Jesus lived his life. By seeking and saving the lost.

When we arise from the water I feel my senses coming back to me. But not just to me, but to someone else. A new person. A new me.

I step out first, then Lucy. We start to make our way back to our seats. Lucy begins to giggle a little and I can't help but join. I feel better. Giddier. Like I've been wiped clean.

We get back to our seats and Delilah isn't there.

"Where's D?" Squid asks, getting back from outside. 

"She was just here," I say. Then a thought enters my mind. What she told me about her killing herself. She couldn't possibly be doing that now, would she? After all we've been through. I know her life hasn't been easy, but I couldn't do this without her.

Then I notice her shoes and socks have been left on the floor under a chair in front of where she was sitting.

"There she is!" Lucy exclaims, pointing at the end of the line leading to the tub. I fix my eyes to where Lucy's pointing and sure enough, Delilah is stepping into the hot tub with the aid of the pastor.

Is—she's going to—

Delilah looks around the room then her gaze finds mine.

"Dude. Go to her," Lucy says.

I push past Lucy and Squid and run towards Delilah standing in the hot tub. When I get to her side she extends her right hand and I take it. The pastor and I both lower her down to the water and it reaches up to her chest. The stage lights beam down on us, yellows and reds and oranges all melding and shining against her navy blue hair.

"Do you wanna do the honors?" The pastor asks.

I gaze into Delilah's ocean-green eyes and they meet mine. I'm holding back tears. This is my girlfriend. And today she's giving herself to something far greater than the both of us.

"Do you accept God into your heart?" I ask her.

Without looking away, without blinking, she says, "I do."

I press my hand on her upper chest and she lets herself plunge into the warm water. When I lessen the pressure, she comes back up, water cascading down her body and dress.

"Welcome to the Kingdom Of Heaven," I say, and she hugs me so tight I can feel the air being pressed out of me. I look behind me and Jesus standing on the stage, the lights surrounding him only showing his silhouette as it casts down on both of us.

On the drive home, we're all talking about how we feel.

"I just—feel better!" I say.

"Me too!" Lucy exclaims, "I'm excited about my future. I'm sure it's going to be great!"

"This doesn't mean life's going to be easier," I tell them. "But now we're in. We've taken the next step in our lives to become closer to God. And that's exciting!"

"Fuck yeah, it is!" Lucy says. I look over to Delilah in the passenger seat and she's just staring out the window. I nudge her on the shoulder and she turns to me.

"You okay?" I ask.

"Just thinking," she admits. "Now that I have this—thing—with God—I kinda wanna do something,"

"And what's that?" I ask. The car falls silent as everyone lends an ear to Delilah.

Delilah takes a deep breath and says, "I wanna find my real parents. I never met them. I mean—I wonder if they even know I'm alive. Or if they're alive. Or if they even care about me. I always wondered, but now I really want to know. And I want them to know that their daughter is alive and has found something amazing."

"That's a beautiful goal," I say. "One I think we can definitely help you out with."

"I can look around social media," Lucy says. "See if anyone's seen any Delilah-looking adults."

"I can do some investigating too," Squid says. "I'd also like to talk to my Dad after this."

"And I'll try to help in any way I can, D," I say.

Delilah smiles and says, "Thank you, guys, you're the best."

"Don't mention it."

"My pleasure."

"You can always count on me."