It was in the very early hours of the morning when we finally arrived at our villa near the Italian village of Sapri. The skies were dark and I was exhausted, even though I had napped for several hours on the plane. I only had myself to blame. The rise and fall of sinful heaven involved no rest for those who were foolish enough to indulge in its powdery death. 

Even in the dark, this place looked beautiful. I could see the shadows of the sea and the mountains that surrounded the cove the village was in, illuminated by the starry skies above. The air was silent around us except from the gentle sound of the breaking waves, creating a serene atmosphere that felt jarring to the internal conflict occurring within me. It was strangely mocking: reminding me of the enjoyment I should've been experiencing and was missing out on because of my own mistakes. 

I felt ashamed. Why did everything seem to be out to get me? 

I punched in the code for the front door and flicked on the lights as we walked in, revealing the beautiful insides of the villa I didn't deserve to stay in. The general interior had a specifically homely atmosphere, with Mediterranean white walls and furniture that was appropriately rustic-looking but sophisticated in practise. 

I closed the door behind Carmen and put my hand out to take her suitcase upstairs for her, but she moved it out of my reach. 

"I can manage by myself, thanks." 

"Don't be like that." 

"Like what? Distant?" She huffed out. "It's not so nice when it's aimed at you, is it?" 

I sighed and felt a surge of empathy for the poor girl who had to put up with the miserable bastard I was today. "I'm sorry, okay. I've had a lot on my mind." 

"Are you actually serious?" Venom poured out of her voice like cobras poised to attack, her words turning into shards of glass that pierced me at my most vulnerable. "Is that all I get for putting up with someone who was too grumpy to keep a conversation going?"

I'd never seen her this angry before. I'd guessed that she had a bite to her but it was alarming to see how much scorn a pretty face like hers could muster; yet at the same time I couldn't exactly blame her for her feelings. I was disappointed with myself too. 

I rubbed my tired eyes and massaged my throbbing temples. "What do you want from me?" 

She shrugged her shoulders and looked down at the floor, avoiding my guilty gaze. "I just want you to tell me what's going on with you, that's all." 

"Why?" I asked cautiously, wondering where this was going.

"Well...you know, isn't it obvious?" She looked up suddenly and stared at me dead in the eye. "You've taken me to some amazing places and we've had some good times together, but sometimes I feel like I don't even know you. You never really tell me anything personal or any piece of information that's valuable to you and it's just..." She sighed as she continued on. "What do I need to do to get anything out of you? To have any kind of idea of how you're feeling and what's going on in your life? Why are you so closed up?"

There was a pause for a moment as I struggled to get the words out, fearing the worst. Surely this was a definite sign that we would never work? That this relationship was doomed from the start? "You're not exactly an open book either." 

"No, but at least you know about my background and what I do on a day-to-day basis. If someone asked me what my boyfriend did or where he came from I couldn't tell them a thing." 

I sighed and shook my head, my voice becoming low to convey the dark tone that surrounded my life. "I don't think you'd like me to open up about myself, Carmen. I'm no knight in shining armour." 

"I don't care," she fired back with a stubborn vigour. "I want to get to know you more." 

I looked down at my feet and stayed silent. I couldn't...I couldn't tell her. I knew if I did I would lose her forever, and I'd gone through too much recently to allow that to happen now. I needed her by my side and I would make her want me despite of my unavoidable flaws. I would find a way of showing her that I was worth it, that I was worth something to her. 

I felt a stabbing sensation deep inside my chest. Who was I kidding? I was no good for her and that was that, no questions asked. Half of my life was devoted to ruining the lives of her kind and therefore we could never be compatible. I could never make her happy. The only real reason why I couldn't open up was because I was being selfish, extremely selfish. My narcissism was putting her life at risk, and that was the truth of it all. 

But I wasn't strong enough to get past my weakness. I was never good at giving up something I got hooked on, and this time was no exception: when you gave your life to temptation you also gave temptation your life, and it was always those closest to you that felt the full extent of your lack of self-control. And they paid dearly. If only Carmen knew of the debt piling up every time she spent another second with a monster like me. 

My silence had been going on for so long that it had become my reply, my answer to her and my answer to myself: no, I couldn't tell her anything, and yes, I was selfish. 

I knew it would cost me one day. 

"Fine. Be like that," she said, her voice carrying a dejected tone as she moved further away from me. "I want to sleep on the couch tonight." 

I sighed, accepting and agreeing with her anger. "There are two bedrooms. Don't worry you have all the space in the world to get away from me." 

She remained there for a second or two, perhaps wondering what on earth she was doing here, wondering what on earth she had gotten herself into, but then she nodded and made her way quickly up the stairs, moving on from her unfortunate predicament. 

She left me in the shadows: unable to feel the warmth of the Mediterranean air and unable to soak in the light of the straining bulbs battling against the sudden appearance of the rising sun. I lingered there. I lingered on and on until I could convince myself that the darkness had disappeared. It was a shame my life choices had left me with no will to bear and no wheel to steer with. My ship instead rode the waves of sin that drove us all to some kind of Hellish prison, a cage of lust and, most importantly, a paradise lost.