If I never see you again
Will you still remember me?

I'll never stop looking for you
In every pair of blue eyes

You're my best memory
and my biggest regret

You are my forget-me-not
The pressed flower I hold in my fingertips

Whatever you were,
I wanted you.

January 28, 2014

"I call shotgun," I shriek and sprint towards the rusty red truck awaiting us.

Jordan grumbles behind me, "We're all riding shotgun because there's no backseat."

Josh just laughs. I've really missed his laughter.

We're going sledding for the day; Nate, Tyler, Meredith and a few others are taking Nate's car, and Jordan and I are riding with Josh in his Chevy truck, the bed filled with cafeteria trays we're going to use as sleds. He's been so consumed with Haley since we came back to school that this is the first time I've seen him for more than a passing moment since I nearly ran over him when we left for Christmas. It may still be Josh and Haley, but I'm just grateful to hear his laugh again. That's enough. It has to be.

We clamber into his truck, and as the smallest of the three of us, I'm crammed in the middle between Jordan and Josh. He turns the key in the ignition, and the car starts; twangy country fills the car at a deafening volume. 

"Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey..." the country singer warbles.

Josh and I sing along, our voices so out of tune that I think the glass in his windows cracks a little, "And whiskey makes my baby...get a little frisky!"

"Oh my gosh, turn it off," Jordan squeals, slamming the stereo until it finally turns off. "Josh, I would not have figured you for a country boy."

Josh grins at her, "I work at a ranch every summer, actually."

Jordan glances at me pointedly and raises her eyebrows, "Guess you're full of surprises."

"Speaking of surprises," I jump in with a snort of laughter, "What's with the earrings?"

Over Christmas break, Josh brilliantly decided to get his ears pierced with diamond studs. They look absolutely ridiculous.

Josh squirms, "Haley thought they'd look good."

"You look like a tool," I retort, trying to ignore the reference to his girlfriend.

"And a douchebag," Jordan adds.

Josh rolls his eyes and accepts the criticism, "Oh, lay off. Want to see something cool though?"

I eye him carefully, our shoulders wedged together so our faces are only inches apart, "Do I?"

He laughs at me, "Probably not. I got a tattoo."

A tattoo? "Of what?"

"And where?" Jordan adds with a wink.

He shifts in his seat to face us and his hands go to the waist of his jeans.  What the heck is he doing? 

I throw my hands up to block my gaze as my face reddens. "I don't think I need to see it."

When he laughs, I glance back at him; he's proceeded to pull the hip of his jeans down just a little and lifts his gray flannel to reveal the outline of a wolf's head. The wolf descends down his hip and its jaws are open in a snarl. I take it in for a second and resist the urge to trace it with my fingertips. Its ferocity is strangely beautiful.

"A wolf? Why, because you're so savage?" Jordan teases.

"No, it's because of Ellie," his voice is no longer jovial but low and filled with gravity.

A wave of goosebumps wash over me and I nod solemnly in approval. Ellie is Josh's younger sister, the most important person in the world to him. He told me once that when she had nightmares, he used to tell her stories about the wolf that defended the beautiful princess. This tattoo symbolizes his dedication to his sister. 

My voice is low and soft, "I like it."

He smiles at me and our eyes catch; I understand him and he understands me. A moment passes and I feel heat rush to my face as I try to ignore the static where our legs and shoulders touch.

Jordan is glancing between us like we're crazy and finally mumbles, "I don't get it."

Josh breaks my gaze and I feel the loss instantly. When we connect, it's like electricity flows between us, but then one of us looks away and it's lost. I'm scared one day he'll look away and never look back.

~~~~~

I laugh as Jordan squeals, her scarf trailing behind her in fuzzy lines of blue and cream. Her cafeteria tray careens down the hill, and she plows into a mound of snow at the bottom. Nate lets out a whooping cheer and Meredith and Tyler are off next, racing down the hill on matching cafeteria trays.

"I'm next!" I holler, grabbing the strings of our only real sled, an ancient toboggan my grandpa gave me.

I pull it to the top of the hill and sit cross-legged on it, grasping the frayed ropes with mittened hands. I blow a wild curl from my face and ready myself for take off.

"Someone push me," I holler and I feel the sled start to slide.

Next thing I know, arms wrap around my waist and Josh and I are plummeting downhill at something that must rival the speed of light. His breath is hot against my neck and his body warm against mine; all I can do is laugh in delight.

For a moment, I revel in this feeling--Josh with his arms around me, laughing. This is perfection. This is everything that I've ever wanted. If I can treasure this feeling for the rest of eternity, maybe that will be enough.

We plunge into the snow bank and are both thrown from the sled, landing in a mess of limbs. One of his arms is still around my waist and I'm sprawled diagonally across his torso.

Laughingly I start to rise, propping myself against his chest. I can only see two colors: white and blue. His eyes are smiling in crescent moons and one dimple is grinning up at me. Our eyes connect and we both laugh. He has a girlfriend, I tell myself as I try to rise.

In typical Josh fashion, he grabs my hand and pulls me back towards him. I face plant into the snow beside him and clamber to my knees, spitting out a mouthful of snow.

"Rach! I look at him, praying I don't have a beard of snow. "You lost your hat," he adds with a laugh, pulling my purple beanie from a snowbank.

Josh takes off his gloves and puts the hat on my head, his hands brushing my cheeks, and I feel myself redden. His fingers linger momentarily and then draw away; immediately, I miss his touch. I notice the flicker of silver in his blue eyes as he looks at me.

"I've missed you," I blurt out.

Oh, crap. I hope that the cold will hide the heat rushing to my face. I hadn't meant to tell him how I felt. I hadn't meant to say anything at all, but looking at him, it had just slipped out, almost as if I couldn't contain it.

He smiles and stands up, pulling me to my feet, "I've missed you too, Rach."

He throws an arm over my shoulder and pulls the toboggan behind him as we go back up the mountain. Friends. Maybe I'm only a friend to him, but I know one thing for certain--he smiles around me. He really, truly smiles. This smile isn't a half arc or a smirk or a grin. It's a smile that brings out his dimples and turns his eyes into crescents. If nothing else, he's happy around me.

That's all I want, right? I just want to make him happy.

~~~~~

In the car as we're driving away, I pull my iPhone out of the bag I left in Josh's truck.

3 Missed Calls from AJ

I frown as I stare at my phone screen. I don't want to call him back; I don't want to even think about him on a day like today. I want to be happy, free, unburdened.

"Rach? What's wrong?" Josh is watching me in his rearview mirror, and I wish I was better at hiding my feelings.

Jordan peers at my phone, "AJ?"

I cast her a glare, "It's nothing. I'm fine."

"AJ? Who's AJ?" Josh questions.

My face reddens, and I mentally scream at Jordan. I don't want Josh to know anything about AJ. 

"Do you need to call him back?" Jordan asks, concern etched in her features.

"It's fine. He's probably fine," I answer, shoving my phone back into my bag and fastening my eyes on the snow covered road.

He's probably fine, right?

~~~~~

This was such a fun chapter to write. I love their everyday interactions; they just give me all the warm fuzzy feelings inside. This chapter also has one of my all-time favorite lines: I'm scared one day he'll look away and never look back. If that doesn't sum up everything Rachel's been feeling, I don't know what  does.

Thank you to all of the people who have been reading this story! I appreciate you all :) Please don't hesitate to vote and comment and let me know what you're thinking. 

~ Hannah