I met you at the corner of forgiveness and trust
you're a reflection of my grandest mistakes and fears
wind whistles through an endless alleyway
the pungent scent of garbage
the darkest shadows prohibit forgetfulness
Don't tempt me.
sweet words turned bitter on my tongue
how long will I sit in the past and wait
I'm stuck in a town of remembrance and regret
I want to take wing and fly to the future
where all I know is that you won't be there.

December 25, 2013

AJ is a bit of a mystery--he's charming and fun, but his warm exterior masks a dark, troubled soul, one that I've known all too well in the last five years that we've been friends.

He sauntered into my life like he saunters into everything--confident, goofy, disarming. He was in my pre-algebra class in 8th grade, and after that, I couldn't seem to get rid of him. With his troubled family and troubled soul, my family and I were his refuge from the storms within and without. I ignored the way he strung girls along and then left them behind like yesterday's refuse. I ignored his addiction to alcohol and drugs. I helped him through depression and suicidal thoughts. For four years of high school, I was his crutch. I kept him alive. I ignored the ways that he thrust himself back into his own depression with self-pity, self-harm, and self-destructive tendencies.

Maybe I liked it. Maybe I liked being needed by someone so deeply.

Then I left.

He still calls sometimes, but I've managed to keep him at arm's length while at Regent. Until now. Now, he's sitting at my dining room table with my family. He's laughing and joking with Grandpa like they're old friends. The weight that lifted while I was at Regent has returned to crush me.

I thought that I'd left him behind, used time and distance to sever us. I thought that by leaving for Regent, he would stay in the past, stay in high school. But he didn't, obviously--here he is, back in my house, just like old times, and I'm too loyal to reject him now.

"Don't hog the gravy, Rachy," Grandpa prods and I jolt alert, passing the gravy boat.

"Sorry, Gramps."

"Doesn't this feel like old times?" AJ exclaims, his smile white against his dark skin.

"It really does! I'm so glad you could visit over the holidays while Rachel's home," my dad responds, grinning at the two of us sitting side by side.

Dad's been trying to hook us up for years, luckily with no success. AJ just laughs and smiles, popping a roll into his mouth. 

"So what's next for you, AJ? Business? Law school?" my mom, always the planner, questions.

Since I've refused to follow in her footsteps by going to business school, she tries to persuade every other eligible high school graduate to, including AJ.

"Now, Mrs. Evans, you know I don't want to go to law school," his teasing familiarity is like an echo from the past, "But I do have an announcement. Next semester, I'm going to Virginia State for a degree in marketing."

My heart stutters to a stop and I freeze halfway through a bite of roast beef. Virginia State is only a little over an hour from me, and AJ knows that. Part of me is angry that he'll be so nearby, but part of me likes the idea of being his stabilizer again, his best friend. This conflict inside me is why I've never truly been able to sunder him from my life.

My dad, ever helpful, chimes in, "That's so close to Rachel!"

"Yes, sir! I'll keep an eye on her for you," he winks my direction and I grimace.

Moments later, as the dishes are cleared and we carry our newly-obese bodies towards the living room to watch It's a Wonderful Life, AJ pulls me aside into the guest bedroom. All of this is so familiar--it was always AJ and my family and AJ and I. Best friends.

"What's up?" I ask uncomfortably, shifting my weight closer to the door.

"Rach, you've been avoiding me," he answers plaintively, his dark eyes framed by thick eyelashes.

"I'm not avoiding you...it's just...been awhile," I sigh, struggling to summon the willpower to either accept him back into my life or leave him behind permanently. 

"Has that much changed since you went to school?" AJ asks with his familiar lopsided grin.

I straighten a little, "Yeah, it kinda has."

So much has changed; I'm living on my own now, making new friends, walking my own path. I'm not the same meek pushover he knew in high school. I'm gaining confidence, learning to be brave and speak up for myself. AJ doesn't know this Rachel.

A look of hurt crosses his face and I momentarily wonder if it's genuine, "I'm sorry, Rach. I thought you and I were still...you know, you and I."

A wave of guilt washes over me, "We are...we're still...friends."

Are we, though? Can I still be friends with AJ if that friendship demands passivity and tacit support? Can I watch him destroy himself and others and remain silent?

"Good. I need you, Rach," he says, touching my arm softly, "You can't leave me now."

Even if I've changed, even if my courage is growing, there's still a bond between AJ and me that hasn't faded with time. His near-black eyes, round and beseeching, still demand my pity. I've always believed that kindness is just as important as courage; now I will be brave and kind, by choosing to care about AJ even when he doesn't deserve it.

"Don't worry," I finally sigh with a sigh, "I won't leave you.

I don't think I could, even if I wanted to.

~~~~~

Half the family is now asleep on the couch, and I think Tommy is drooling. Delightful. I'm leaning against the couch beside Gramps and staring at the TV screen, my thoughts elsewhere. I've already run through about 359 scenarios that involve AJ showing up at my dorm room door drunk or high or fatally injured. 

His words are racing through my head. You can't leave me now. You can't leave me now. Part of me says that I already did--I left him when I moved to Regent. But part of me is also remembering that I'll never leave him. 

I don't notice Jordan standing at the door until she waves her arms in the air dramatically, motioning for me to follow her. I climb out of the mess of Christmas nappers and follow her outside. 

It's snowing, and while snow is absolutely beautiful, it's also cold, especially when I'm not wearing coat.

I wrap my arms around myself and shiver, "What the heck, Jord? Why are we out in the snow?"

She looks off into the distance and I regard her a little more closely. Her eyes are bloodshot and her face is blotchy and red--she's been crying. I'm shocked for a second. I've lived with Jordan for a semester and never seen her cry. I've seen her angry, frustrated, elated, and sarcastic, but I've never seen her despondent.

I put my hand on her arm, "Jordan? What's going on?"

She refuses to look at me, and her warm eyes fill with tears, "I called my family for Christmas, you know, to say hi."

Jordan's family has been struggling financially for a while. She's from Florida, and they couldn't afford to fly her home, so she came to my house for Christmas. I know she misses them, but she doesn't like to talk about it. Who enjoys sharing their broken pieces? 

"And...and my parents," she inhales deeply, "they're splitting up."

She finally makes eye contact with me, her eyes overflowing with tears. Her gaze is languishing and pain-filled, but her body language shouts anger, arms crossed and fists clenched. Her entire frame is trembling with the emotion.

"Jord...I'm so sorry."

I reach out and grab one of her hands, squeezing it. The touch seems to thaw her and she shatters in front of me. She collapses into a squat on the ground, releasing gut-wrenching sobs. Her shoulders wretch and hot tears spill from her face.

"I...they love each other. They always loved each other, even when things got hard, and now...now I'm gone, and all the kids are out of the house, so they don't have to try any more. They're splitting up, moving to different apartments. I don't even have a home any more."

I kneel in the snow next to her and wrap her in a hug, letting her sob against my shoulder. I don't have any words to say, so I just hold her. 

I'm learning that everyone experiences pain differently; we can't feel another's pain, so I do the only thing I can do. I'm there.

~~~~~

Have I mentioned yet how much I love Jordan? She's one of my favorite characters to write, read, and explore. I think that she and Rachel make a pretty fun pair.

So...what do you think? What's the deal with AJ and Rachel's friendship? Does she want out of the friendship? 

Side note, what's your favorite holiday movie? Christmas is my favorite holiday, and It's a Wonderful Life is one of my all-time favorite movies, so of course Rachel and her family watched it :) 

Thanks for reading, as always! Please comment with what you thought! If you enjoyed it, I'd love it if you would vote, but thanks for reading regardless. Happy Holidays!