i miss you
a phrase used and misused too many times
i don't think it portrays the depth of longing left in my soul
i miss you means I can recall every touch
your finger gently tracing the curve of my jaw
your grasp possessively on my waist
it means I can still see the first time we met
i was intrigued by your rebellion, your freedom
I'd been craving to taste it all my life
but had just now discovered the thirst
i remember the electricity the first time we met eyes
do you remember everything
the way that I do?

i am losing you.
your laugh is fading
and your eyes and your smile
and even my memories are slipping
like sand through my clenched fists.
i am losing you again
like the day you left me alone
the pain of losing you
has followed me
even though you didn't.

don't be afraid.
as long as i know your name,
i will miss you.
i will always miss you

September 16, 2015

"I miss you, Gramps," I whisper to his gravestone.

I hold a bouquet of flowers in one hand and kneel on the grass in front of his grave. It doesn't seem possible that he's gone. He has always been a staple in my life, one of the only things that has withstood the test of time, but he finally succumbed.

We had a good summer, Gramps and I. I visited him almost every day and spent hours reading to him and talking to him. In August, his speech started to deteriorate. The cancer was taking over his organs at that point and they said it was only a matter of time. He seemed less and less able to recognize who I was when I came to visit. It was harder to come in every day and see him falling apart. By the end of August, he hardly seemed to be the same old man who would pretend to find a dime in my ear. 

On September 2, 2015, he passed away in his sleep. No one was with him when he passed; I was on my way to the hospital, and I walked into his room only moments later. There were nurses around him, shutting down monitors and pulling out needles. They told me he died painlessly, that he wasn't even aware of what was happening. I sobbed until it felt like I had no tears left.

A few days ago, we had the funeral. Mom wanted an open-casket service, and even though I begged her not to, we were forced to walk by and see his face. They had put make up on him and tried to re-contort his shriveled skin into its previous shape, but it looked unnatural. I closed my eyes while I walked by; I want to remember him the way he is in my memories. Smiling, laugh-lines, and a cheeky twinkle in his eyes.

"You left us two weeks ago, Gramps. Nothing feels the same without you. I've just..." I feel tears coming to my eyes. "I've lost so much in the last few months, Gramps, I was hoping I wouldn't lose you too."

I wipe my eyes and sit back on my knees. Before all of this happened--before I went to college, Gramps was diagnosed, I met Josh--everything was so simple. Happiness was so easy. Now happiness seems like a myth told to children who are in for a rude awakening when they grow up and realize that nothing is easy and everything hurts.

"I lived with no regrets, like you said, Gramps," I whisper. "I fell in love for the first time, and I gave it...I gave him everything I had. It was the most beautiful and painful thing I've ever experienced. I lived, Gramps. I lived while you were dying, and I feel so guilty now..."

I can almost hear his voice reassuring me. That's what I wanted for you, Rachy. I wouldn't want you worried about some senile old man in a hospital. I'd want you out there living your best life.

"I hope I get to make you proud someday, Gramps. I'm interning at the local newspaper now; I don't know if you remember me telling you that. I moved in with Emmalee. We worked together this summer and last summer, and she was looking for a roommate. I'm trying to remember what my dreams were before all of this happened, Gramps. It's just hard sometimes to see past all of the pain right now."

I choke back my tears. Nothing seems real anymore except for this everlasting despair. In the last few months, I have lost two of the most important people in my life. I lost Gramps to cancer eating him from the inside out. I lost Josh because of his well-intentioned lies. Though they are gone, the loss of them often feels so heavy it could crush me entirely.

"I'm trying to be strong. For Mom and Dad, and for myself. Sometimes though, sometimes I just don't want to try any more. I want to sleep and never wake up if it means I escape this darkness." I breathe in deeply. "Sometimes I blame myself, Gramps. I blame myself for not being there when you died. I blame myself for not giving Josh a second chance, or a third chance. Maybe my expectations are too high, maybe I'm asking for too much out of life. But am I crazy for asking someone to love me as much as I love him?"

I draw in a staggering breath. I don't have any answers to all of the questions running through my head. I don't know how to find happiness again; I don't even know if it's possible. I don't know what could have been. I don't know if I'll ever love again. 

"Is life supposed to be this hard, Gramps? I feel so...so alone. You're gone, and Josh is gone, and Jordan and Chloe are far away. I can't depend on Mom and Dad right now, and Emmalee has her own problems. Who am I supposed to lean on? Where am I supposed to run to? I'm so afraid to be alone with my own pain. It just...it doesn't go away."

I wish Gramps could answer me; I wish he could offer me blithe reassurances that everything is going to be okay. I'd rather accept a pretty lie than a dark truth today. I need something to cling to, but everything is gone. All of my castles made of sand have collapsed.

"I know they say that you heal from...from the pain of losing loved ones, from a broken heart, but this feels so permanent. It feels like this pain is part of me now. It haunts me when I'm awake and when I sleep. I can't get free from it. Yesterday, I dreamed that Josh...that he died, and I thought it was real. When I woke up, I grabbed my phone and went to call him and then realized that I couldn't. I lost him, Gramps, I lost him, and I lost you."

After a few more minutes, I leave the bouquet next to the gravestone. It reads:

Theodore Jay Gilbert
Lived loved, died love

I can't imagine an epitaph more suiting. He was the pillar of our family, and we all feel as if our internal compasses need to be realigned. I wander back to my car, but I can't quite bring myself to get back in. Instead, I find an old oak tree and lean against it for support.

Though I grieve the loss of Gramps, it's the sort of grief that I know will fade away with time. He lived a good life, and though it was cut shorter than we wished, he died happy and loved. My sorrow over losing Josh, however, seems indelibly inscribed in my soul. 

I thought the pain would fade over the last few months, but it hasn't. The pain has changed and transformed. At first it was a burning, consuming fire that threatened to turn me to ash. Then it became the gnawing ache of regret; these were the days I picked up my phone a thousand times to call or text him but somehow restrained myself. Now it has changed to an ever-present darkness that nothing can drive away. I can smile, I can even laugh, but it's this strange knowing inside of me that nothing will ever be the same.

I don't know whether time can heal all wounds; maybe in a few years I'll look back and smile on these memories fondly and say, "How young and naive I was." Maybe. Then again, maybe my love for Josh won't be tarnished by the years. Maybe it will remain a light inside of me urging me forward. 

I know that because of Josh, I was happy. Because of Josh, I will walk into the future searching for the best. If I ever love again, I want to love as wholly and consumingly as I loved Josh. I won't settle for less. 

Even if I don't love again, I'll be content knowing that when I gave him my heart, I gave it to him entirely. I loved him then, and I love him now, and despite everything, I always will even if I never see him again. 

~~~~~

Thank you for sticking with me on this whole journey. I hope you've enjoyed reading "The Definition of Time" as much as I've enjoyed writing it (though that seems impossible!). I absolutely love these characters and I hope you have too.

In the coming weeks, I have a few surprises in store for those of you who don't want an end to Josh and Rachel's story just yet, so don't remove this story from your library. :)

In the mean time, if you haven't left me a comment yet, I'd love to hear from you. Be sure to check out my other work if you've enjoyed this book.

Much love,

Hannah