her watercolors are blue
just like his eyes

today I found paintings
that she drew of him
and i still recognize his eyes glaring at me
from her watercolor portrait
she knew his middle name too.
i don't know why that bothers me so much
maybe it's because i've tried to dehumanize her
to hate the girl who took him
but she knows him.
and i still miss him
and i can see that she loved him too
she loved him too.

May 21, 2015

I feel as if I have become an automaton, going through the motions everyday with no direction or purpose. Darkness and loss settle on me, and slowly they become familiar friends. I throw myself into school for the last two weeks, writing some of the best papers I've ever written. I avoid going anywhere in public, eating my meals at odd hours of the day to avoid running into Josh. I wonder if he's doing the same thing because I haven't seen any sign of him. I want to see him, I crave him, but I also don't think I'm strong enough to face him.

A month or so ago, Chloe asked me to cover the Reinhold Exhibit. Knowing that Sierra will be there, Chloe offered to cover the story herself, but I said I'd do it. Weirdly enough, I feel a strange camaraderie with Sierra. She didn't deserve to be treated so badly, and she was kinder to me than I might have been in her shoes. 

So I'm going to the Reinhold Center. The senior art pieces that were accepted will be on display all week, but tonight is the special viewing for faculty. I force myself into a fancy dress and heels, and I try to use enough concealer to hide the dark patches under my eyes. My face looks more haggard than usual, my cheeks drawn and eyes hollow.

Despite it being so close to summer, the evening air has a slight nip that seems fitting. The Center is bustling with pretentious adults and hipster college students standing aloofly in front of their best pieces. I grab a press pass and wander through the room, snapping pictures of the more intriguing pieces to describe later. Though I'll cover the entire exhibit, I want to share the story of one piece that really stands out.

Even though I've only talked to Sierra twice, I recognize her artwork instantly. She has five pieces on display, but the one that catches my eye is a blue and green watercolor. I see the outline of one side of a face with severe blue eyes and a sharp, wideset jaw; the other side is blended into a mixture of blues and greens. I would know that face anywhere. Josh.

I don't know how, but she managed to capture his very essence in this picture. There's a wild intensity to the curve of his jaw and the glare of his eyes that almost takes my breath away. I feel as if he is staring into my soul.

"This is one of my favorite pieces." Sierra's sonorous voice breaks me from my trance.

My eyes remain engrossed with the picture. "You...you've captured him perfectly. I recognized him right away."

I glance at Sierra, and she has a soft smile on her lips. "I'm not surprised. You loved him."

I blink back the tears that spring to my eyes from her kind words. "So did you." I pause and then continue, "You know I had no idea, right? I...I'm sorry."

Sierra smiles again and reaches out to touch my arm. "It's okay. It wasn't your fault that he hurt me."

Neither of us have anything else to say, but I remain transfixed. I glance over the rest of her work; she has a few ceramics and another watercolor. This watercolor is absolutely breathtaking. A man's breath is showering a black and white girl in a rainbow of wind, sending her hair flying and colors washing over her. I somehow know that this is also Josh.

"That's exactly what happened with him...with us," I stutter, gesticulating to the painting.

Sierra smiles sadly, and I recognize tears brimming in her black eyes. "There's something about him that just breathes life into you. Nothing ever feels the same again."

I nod, and I remember my musings from months ago. "It's as if everything is black and white, but when he's around, it's technicolor."

Sierra nods and brushes tears from her cheeks. I apologize, "Gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to come in here and ruin your senior exhibit. I just...this is really beautiful work."

"No, no, it's okay," she whispers and clears her throat. "It's fine. I'm just...I don't hate you, in case you were wondering. I tried to," she laughs awkwardly, "but even though I've only talked to you a few times, I knew it wasn't your fault."

I duck my head, unsure of what to say. Finally, I murmur, "We're a lot alike, you and me."

"We loved him, and he left us," she whispers.

May 27, 2015

"Are you sure you don't want to reconsider the internship?" Chloe asks while helping me lug a giant crate to my finally functional car.

I shake my head. "I need...time. Time to recover. I'll stay with family for a while, spend time with Gramps."

Chloe smiles sympathetically. "I understand. That doesn't mean you have an excuse not to visit me!"

"Of course," I answer with a smile.

Jordan comes behind us with a duffel bag and tosses it into the trunk. "I can't believe you're leaving. For good."

"I'm leaving," I answer with a brittle laugh.

I didn't expect to be so anxious to leave, but every moment on campus brings a new memory of Josh and me and I need to escape it all. I need to heal.

"We all are," Chloe murmurs.

I nod silently. Yesterday, she graduated; next week, she'll move to Albany. Jordan is staying on campus for the summer, I'm heading home to Pennsylvania. We're all heading our separate ways. There's a bittersweet sense of finality to everything. Our friendships are not over, but this period of our lives is passing. 

"Yeah, well, don't expect to get rid of me that easily," Jordan grumbles.

I laugh, "I don't think I'll ever be rid of you. I'm not that lucky."

Jordan shoves me playfully, and I just smile at her. 

Luis comes out of the door with another bag and declares, "All right, that's the end of it. You're all unpacked."

"Thank you guys," I say with a smile. 

"No problem," Luis answers.

Silence falls on us as if we are waiting for something to tell me it's time to go, it's time to leave. I feel the absence of Josh acutely; he's been such a part of my life for the past few months, he's practically woven into the very memories. He should be here, wishing me goodbye, but he's not.

"Josh isn't coming?" Chloe asks quietly.

I cast my eyes to the ground. "I haven't seen him, not since..."

I don't finish the sentence. I haven't seen him since he walked away from me at the top of the ski hill. Since he left me behind to deal with the memories and the pain. 

"He's not coming to say goodbye?" Jordan asks.

I shrug; I wouldn't know. He hasn't texted or called. I haven't even seen him from a distance. It's as if there was an abrupt severance from two years of feelings. It almost seems as if those two years were a dream.

"You don't know?" Luis asks in surprise. "He left campus a few days ago to go back to the ranch. I assumed he told you."

I keep thinking the pain can't get worse, but it always does. Josh left me - again - without saying goodbye.

"He left?" I whisper questioningly.

"He didn't even bother to say goodbye?" Jordan adds indignantly, cursing under her breath.

"Yeah, he's gone. I'm really sorry, Rach, I thought you knew," Luis apologizes.

"It's okay, Luis. It's not your fault," I say.

He's gone, I tell myself. He left without saying goodbye. Now I'm left to wonder: Will I ever see him again? My body shudders, and I turn to finish packing the car, hoping that moving my body will silence my mind. 

"Well, I guess this is goodbye," I say, turning to Chloe and Jordan, my two closest friends in the world.

I don't even let myself question when I'll see them again; I will, I'm sure of it. I need them, especially now, and they need me. I hug each of them goodbye, high five Luis, and climb into the driver's seat. 

Inhaling deeply, I start the car and pull away. I leave behind memories of many things and many people, but most of all, I leave behind Josh. I don't know if I can heal, but I have to try.

~~~~~

Guys, this is the penultimate chapter. There's only one more chapter for things to be made right or to slowly fade away. What do you think will happen? Is there still hope for our two favorite lovebirds? 

Thanks so much for sticking with me through this journey. It's been more healing for me than you know, and having people enjoy and support the story has meant everything. So thank you.

~ Hannah