You lit a fire within my soul
but you were not there to quench it
when it threatened to burn me alive. 

November 18, 2013

No matter how many sips I take of my chai latte, I still feel like a bulldozer has rolled over me at least 100 times. It's November and to say that I'm exhausted would be a gross understatement. Jordan, my roommate, and I have been holed up in a corner of Regent's student lounge for going on six hours. She's a Bio major and is working as a Teaching Assistant for one of her professors, so she has a binder full of pictures and statistics from some experiment they're conducting on some reptiles in the lab.

I avoid looking in that binder at all costs.

I, meanwhile, am working on a ten page research paper for my linguistics prof. I'm on page four, but I've rewritten the introduction at least 13 times today. My brain is as fried as the omelette Jordan left on our hall's kitchen stove for 45 minutes. I haven't showered in days, and it shows. Or I should say, smells. I'm wearing a t-shirt, black sweatpants and slippers. Slippers. In public. I'd be humiliated if I wasn't so stressed.

I slam my forehead onto my keyboard, ignoring the insistent beeping my laptop makes in response.

"I quit," I moan.

Jordan laughs at me, "What happened to all those straight As you were gonna get?"

I cover my face with my hands and groan noncomitally. I might be willing to sacrifice those As for a few weeks of uninterrupted sleep.

Jordan bolts upright, "I know just what we need. Food. We need brain food."

"I do not want to eat anything green right now."

Even the idea of broccoli inspires revolt in my stomach. A wicked smile forms on her face and she reaches into the waistband of her yoga pants, producing her Regent ID card.

"I'm not talking about that kind of food. Large fries and chocolate milkshakes. My treat."

I jump to my feet and engulf her in a stinky, awkward hug. She laughs and shoves me off and I grab her ID card.

"Hurry. I can feel brain cells starting to deteriorate."

I grin at her and trudge towards the growing line at Chuckie's, our one and only food joint outside of the caf. Jordan and I certainly are not the only ones in the midst of homework crises. Everyone around me looks zombie-like and near-death; this would be slightly less disturbing if Halloween hadn't already passed.

I sigh and lose myself in my thoughts while I wait to order. Through the windows, I can see gold and carnelian leaves being whisked through the wind. Some still hold on tightly to their old home, but others fleetly fly to their next adventure. Were I leaf, I'd be the last one to cling to the past. I've never been very brave.

I think back to when the trees were green, when I didn't have ten page papers and horrible body odor. I think back to our two weeks in the woods. I haven't seen much of my earliest friends since the semester has become so consuming, not even Josh. Sometimes my early fears resurface and I wonder if I've lost him. Even though it's only been a few months, losing a friend is always excruciating. Especially when that friend sometimes feels like more than a friend.

The line shifts and I slide forward. I try to pull myself from my thoughts, but they demand to be heard. My eyes brush across the silver counter of the food joint and the student workers wearing matching aprons and visors. They look as exhausted as I feel. My eyes slide from them to the people picking up their trays full of food slathered in fat.

I recognize him as soon as my eyes light on his silhouette. I would know him anywhere. Josh. I smile as soon as I see him, his broad shoulders and confident stance. He grabs his tray and turns from the counter, and I lean forward on my toes to flag him down when I see her.

Her name's Haley Sun; I've unfortunately met her on more than one occasion and my dislike stems from more than jealousy, I swear. Perhaps I'll blame my insecurities. She's a Vietnamese American with gorgeous black waves and perfect fashion sense. Her heeled ankle boots, rolled up army green skinnies, and black crop top are putting my sweatpants and slippers to shame. She has a reputation that I would consider distasteful, but it manages to inspire the admiration of most of my peers, especially the male ones.

Seeing her makes me wonder if the rumor mill has somehow spouted truth instead of falsehood. At a small school, rumors spread faster than STDs, and I've already heard the rumor that Josh Hunter and Haley Sun are dating. I've vehemently refuse to accept it, telling myself that Josh would have told me if he were dating someone. I've also told myself that he would have better taste, or at least better than someone whose most famous stunt to date is climbing the college's flag pole completely naked.

It looks like I was wrong, however. He has one hand propping his tray against his hip and the other arm hooked around her waist. My gaze flashes to his eyes. They are the crescent moons I've seen looking at me so many times. I feel my stomach twist and I look away. He's happy.

My eyes fasten on the shoulders of the girl in front of me in line. I trace the vines of her tattoo with my eyes while commanding my heart to stop trying to commit suicide. It only matters if you let it. It only hurts if you let it. I repeat the mantra to myself over and over.

What had I expected? He's never done anything but flirt with me, and I've never done anything but smile idiotically at him. I am nothing more than a friend to him, and I thought I was happy with that. This sinking feeling screams that I am not. Perhaps I thought his flirting meant more than it did. Perhaps I thought that he felt the same magnetism between us that I do.

It doesn't matter. I keep my eyes staring woodenly forward as they walk towards me. Now I can hear their laughter--I would recognize his anywhere. The low rush of a waterfall, warm from the sun. Hers sounds like the tinkling of a wind chime. I look away from them and hope that Josh won't see me. I wonder if he'll say anything even if he does.

"Hey, Rach!"

Of course he does. We're still friends, right?

I turn to the two of them and try to smile, but it feels like a grimace. I've never been good at hiding how I feel. His eyes are warm on mine, and he releases Haley briefly to bump my arm to get my attention.

"Hey Josh, Haley," I try to summon cheerfulness that I can't quite feel.

"Hale, you go on to our table. I'll catch up with you," he says, passing her his tray.

My heart recovers as she walks away, and I try to ignore the way her fingertips linger on his and the knowing grin she flashes him. Josh stands in front of me, that stupid, everlasting grin across his face.

"So you and Haley?" I ask, my voice rusty.

The smile in his eyes disappears for a moment when he breaks my gaze to look after her. The warm mischievousness evaporates and is replaced by something solid. His chin tilts as he turns back to me, and he meets my gaze, but not fully.

"I don't know, maybe," he answers, but his voice has dropped an octave and I know the truth.

"Congratulations," I answer.

My smile has grown a little more genuine--I can see it is in his eyes. He's happy. That's all that matters, right? That he's happy?

"Yeah, well..." he avoids my gaze, and I appreciate the fact that I'm not the only one who's uncomfortable.

"You should get back to your date," I answer, the cheer in my voice artificial.

He nods and smiles, then reaches out and touches my shoulder fleetingly, "See you around, Rach."

I turn and watch as he walks away. He's the same Josh, his stride lazy but confident, hands shoved deep in his pockets. As soon as he's out of sight, I rush out of the line to the bathroom and sink onto the floor of the handicapped stall.

I rest my head on my knees. Breathe. Breathe. He's happy. The rest doesn't matter. I tell myself that Josh is not mine to lose. I have never told him how I feel; maybe I didn't know what I felt until now. A small voice inside me asks, is this love? But I silence it, just as I silence myself.

~~~~~

This chapter was painful to write. I could feel everything that Rachel was feeling, and my heart breaks for her. I think it's pretty obvious she likes him a lot more than she's willing to admit. Do you think her disappointment is justified? And what the heck is Josh thinking? Do you think he has ever had feelings for Rachel or are they just friends?

Don't worry, this isn't the end for the two of them...there's lots more drama to come! What do you think the future holds in store? Any ideas?