for years I tried to forget you
but now that it's actually happening,
now that you're fading
now that your picture
once so vibrant
full of color
of blue eyes
and blue skies
is fading to black and white
and the corners are fraying
now that I'm forgetting you,
I don't want to.
I'm losing you for the very last time.

May 5, 2015

To distract myself from the building tension between Josh and me, I've immersed myself in my fifteen page critical analysis of Orwell, and I am channeling all of my pent up frustrations and anxiety into my writing so I don't have to think. I feel as if Josh and I are on a hiatus; I don't know what to do or say to get him to talk to me about what he's thinking and feeling, but the distance between us is all the more painful because I know what's missing and I know I'm to blame.

I type a few more lines in my paper and hope my professor doesn't take away points for my decidedly negative perspective.

"Do you really have to slam the keys so hard?" Jordan whines from the other side of our room.

"I'm trying to write a good paper," I grouse, ending the sentence with an emphatic period.

"I hate when you and Josh fight. You make all of us miserable," Jordan complains, eyes on her cell phone.

"We're not fighting!" I answer a bit too forcefully.

"So what happened this time?"

I grimace. "He found out I'm leaving at the end of this semester. He's mad because I didn't tell him, but he should remember that we didn't talk for three months because of him."

Jordan rolls her eyes. "You two need to knock it off. You obviously make each other happy, so just shut up and be together."

"We would be if Josh weren't completely giving me the cold shoulder this week."

Jordan tosses her cell phone onto the desk and declares triumphantly, "You can thank me now. I just texted Josh and told him to get his butt over here and make things right before I gut you both with a scalpel. And you know I'm good with a scalpel."

My face deadpans. "You didn't."

"I'm almost as invested in this relationship as the two of you," Jordan exclaims. "I've been third wheeling for the two of you since the very beginning. You wouldn't even be together if it weren't for me."

I want to complain, but I really can't argue with her logic. This isn't the first time she's helped bridge the gap between us. Jordan's crazy meddling is successful because Josh shows up a half hour later outside our door. I step into the hallway to greet him.

"It seriously took Jordan for you to finally talk to me?" I ask angrily.

Josh sighs. "I actually had something planned for us tomorrow to make up for the last week, but I didn't realize...Jordan said you've been miserable. I'm sorry."

All of my angst dissipates and I look down. "It's okay. I just...we've barely talked for a week. I hate that. I hate that you're mad at me."

A smile forms at one corner of his mouth. "I'm not mad at you, Rach. I was just confused. I needed time to think."

"And now?" I ask pensively.

"Now, we have plans tonight. You ready to go?" He flashes a million dollar smile at me and offers his hand.

"Don't tell me you have another surprise for me?"

Josh smirks. "I'm full of surprises."

He grabs my hand and pulls me behind him cheerfully, and my grouchiness from the last few days instantly vanishes. He doesn't say anything but leads me away from campus towards the ski hill. This stupid ski hill seems to be at the center of most of my heartache from the last two years, from when I found Josh here after he broke up with Haley to when I sobbed my heart out after Josh broke it.

We walk to the top of the hill and the tableau before me takes my breath away. It isn't the sight of the sun starting to set against the mountains or the beautiful golden shadows it casts on the woods; it's what Josh has done. There's a blanket laid across the ground with food spread across it, and since Josh can't cook, all the food could have come from a vending machine: Twinkies, Oreos, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. 

"What is this?" I ask, a slow smile spreading across my face.

"Rach," he says, taking both of my hands. "I want to spend right now with you, no matter what happens."

I open my mouth to agree, but he silences me first, his hand tangling in my hair as he pulls me closer to him. We may not know what will come, but Josh and I are here, together, in the present, and that's all that matters.

Eventually we sprawl on the blanket side by side. We reminisce about our childhoods and think about simpler days when everything wasn't so complicated. The sun slowly sets and the sky flickers from blue to gold to maroon to black and we are left in shadows. I roll onto my back on the blanket so that I can see the stars as they start to twinkle into the sky. Josh lies next to me and our fingers intertwine.

"I don't know what happiness is exactly," I murmur quietly. "But I imagine it feels something like this. You make me so happy."

Nearly inaudibly, Josh whispers, "I never thought I could."

I hear Josh's vulnerability, and I turn my head to face him, gently touching the side of his face. "You always have, Josh. You've always made me happy." Silence rests between us. "Are we good?" I ask tentatively, not wanting to break the reverie of the two of us alone under the night sky.

I'm afraid, however, that if we don't talk now, we won't before it's too late.

"We're good. We'll figure it all out step by step. All I know is I want to be with you, and if you want to be with me too, then nothing else matters."

With one hand still holding mine, Josh reaches over and grabs the side of my face, pulling me in for a kiss. My eyes flutter shut and I lose myself in that moment as our bodies tangle into a burning mess. Eventually we fall apart and my head rests against his chest, our legs intertwined. Our heartbeats seem to sync to one steady beat and I wrap my arms around him and close my eyes.

When all traces of the sun disappear from the night sky and all that's left is the dark, we untangle ourselves and grab the remainders of our picnic and Josh walks me back to my room. As we stand in the hallway, I don't want to let go of him, I don't want to risk wasting even a precious moment of our time together. I don't know how long it will last.

"Josh," I whisper, pulling him closer to me. "If this doesn't...if we don't work out, I just want you to know that these last two months with you have been the happiest of my life. Even if we don't last, I don't have any regrets."

Josh's gaze narrows on me and a hunger comes into his eyes that I've never seen before. We both know that we could be living and loving on borrowed time, and though we are focused on living in the moment, we both recognize the urgency. I'm learning that just because someone is here one moment doesn't mean they won't be gone the next. Life is unpredictable, and what we do with the time we have is the only thing under our control.

Josh leans forward and kisses me so deeply that I stagger backwards from the sheer force. One of his hands finds my waist, fingers splayed against my stomach and pinning me against the wall. My hands almost unconsciously grab his face, pulling him closer until our bodies mold into one with the urgency of two people who know they may not have much time left.

Josh's kiss is wild and intense, and the look in his eyes between kisses reminds me of his expression when he saved me from my assaulter at the bar that fateful night long ago. My longing is mirrored in his eyes and I wonder if we've crossed the point of no return.

Eventually, I stop him with a hand to his chest and whisper breathlessly, "Josh."

He releases me slowly, and as soon as he lets go, I instantly want his arms around me again. He slowly backs away until we're only connected by our clasped hands.

Josh smiles at me softly. "Good night, Rach."

"Good night," I whisper back. As he walks away, I add the words that I am still too afraid to utter aloud under my breath, "I love you."

~~~~~

I love this chapter. *Sigh*. What do you guys think? Will they get their happy ending? What's going to happen?

Stay tuned! The end is in sight! 

~ Hannah