don't you know
I've missed you
since the day we met
and I don't think
I will ever stop?  

May 1, 2015

I'm ashamed to say that we made out in that aisle of the bookstore long enough that one of the clerks had to cough loudly to get our attention. 

Now Josh is taking me out to dinner. I don't care where we go; after the bookstore, Josh could take me to McDonald's and I would call it gourmet.

"How long have you been planning this?" I ask Josh.

I've always known he cares about me, but this sort of a date shows a thoughtfulness in him that I haven't noticed before. I like discovering new things about him.

"A while," he says evasively. "I thought about taking you to the Library of Congress, but a private, hole-in-the-wall bookstore seemed more your style."

"It was so perfect." I smile whimsically. "Did I say thank you yet?"

"A few times," Josh answers with a pleased chuckle. 

Josh drives us through the small town, finally stopping in the parking lot of a little log cabin restaurant called "Uncle Joe's." Josh lifts me out of the truck with his hands on my waist, and before he can release me, I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him.

We walk into the restaurant hand-in-hand, and a waitress takes us to a corner table where flutes of sparkling cider and steaming buttery rolls already await us. We're given menus, and as I pretend to scan mine, I study Josh instead. I study the way laugh lines spread from the corners of his almond-shaped eyes. I study the swirling kaleidoscope of colors dancing in his blue eyes. I follow the line of his straight nose to his mouth that is always quirked in a smile. I admire the sharp slant of his jaw and the short stubble of his dark beard. Holy crap, he's hot.

Josh starts to laugh. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were checking me out."

I wrinkle my nose and hide my face behind my menu. "I can't help it. You're really cute."

Josh reaches underneath the table and grabs my hand, squeezing it. "You're adorable when you're embarrassed."

Eventually we order our dinners and get lost in easy conversation and good, home-cooked food. The restaurant is warm and cozy and it lulls me into this dream-like state where time never passes and only Josh and I exist. After eating dinner, we each get our own hot fudge sundaes (because why share when you can get your own?) and I lean back into my seat.

"I wish days like today could last forever," I sigh fancifully.

"Maybe they will," Josh murmurs nearly inaudibly. 

My eyes jerk to Josh's face. Josh, live-in-the-moment Josh, thinking about forever? He gazes at me steadily, hope and sincerity written in the furrowing of his eyebrows and warmth in his eyes. We haven't really talked about the future; it's only been two months, and most couples would be focusing on getting to know each other, but we seem to be doing things backwards.

"You really think so?" I ask breathlessly.

"Rach, you're the only girl I've ever met who actually makes me want to plan for the future," Josh says with a grin.

I reach across the table and hold his hand. "And you're the only person I know that makes me want to live in the present."

Uncharacteristically, I find myself reticent to talk about the future. Normally, I would jump on the opportunity and ask the questions swirling around my brain. Who will visit whom? Will we see each other over the summer? Should I visit his family? What happens when I move away from school? I think about Chloe's offer, and I realize that I need to tell Josh what I'm considering.

"So, speaking of the future," I say, gravity filling my voice, "I talked to Chloe a week or so ago about an internship. She got a job at a newspaper in Albany. and she thinks she can get me an internship there."

Josh smiles exuberantly. "Rach, that's awesome!"

I smile back uncertainly; I had expected less enthusiasm. "You really think so?"

"Yeah, absolutely! For the whole summer?"

I glance at him, puzzled. "No, Josh. For the fall semester."

I watch as his face falls, and I realize that he has no idea that I'm not living on campus after this semester. My stomach drops. 

"The...the fall? Won't you be here in the fall?" he asks, trying to wrap his head around what I'm saying.

"Josh, I'm pretty much done here. I'll do an internship in the fall, and then I'll graduate in December," I say gently, "I thought you knew."

"You've...how have you never even mentioned this? We've been dating for two months and you just now bring it up?" I can hear the restrained frustration in his voice.

"I really did think you knew. Jordan and Luis and Chloe all know, but I think I told them..." I pause, remember the three months when we didn't speak. "I think I told them when we weren't talking."

Silence falls between us, but it is no longer soft and comfortable; it's harsh and rigid. 

"So after this semester, you're done here?" he asks in a low voice.

I nod, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "Yeah. I'm planning to visit, but I'm taking online classes this summer so I can graduate early."

"Why haven't we talked about this, Rach? You say you want a future for us, but we haven't even talked about anything beyond today."

I stumble for words. "I...I've been trying to just enjoy the time we do have because when summer comes, everything changes. Plus, I didn't want to put pressure on you--on us-- since we're just starting out."

Anger washes over Josh's features in a scathing wave of fury. "So you didn't want to scare me away? Rach, I want to talk about the future, but it's going to be hard to even have a future if you don't tell me what's going on."

I sink back into my chair and my face blanches. I know he's right, but I don't want to think about the future. The future brings the possibility of no more me and Josh. The future means Gramps dying, me moving away, and all sorts of unexpected trials and tragedies. 

Josh sees the despair on my face and leans forward. "We just need to talk about it, Rach. I...I've already thought about how much it's gonna suck when you're at home and I'm at the ranch for the summer, but I thought I could deal with it since we'd have another year together here after that."

"I'm afraid, Josh," I whisper, voice barely perceptible above the warm noise of the restaurant. "I'm so afraid of what the future holds."

"Why? Why are you so afraid?" Josh asks, frustrated again. "Since we started dating, you've asked me so many times about what I want for the future, and I've always said that I want us. How can you doubt me? Don't you trust me?"

Tears well up in my eyes; though Josh isn't yelling, the restrained ire and hurt in his voice are worse than any vociferous accusation could be. "I do trust you, Josh, but what if it doesn't work? What if we don't work? So maybe the summer is fine, and maybe next year is okay too, but you have two more years of school, and I'll be at home or working or going to grad school. I'm terrified that we'll end, and I just...I can't think about us ending when there's so much uncertainty with everything else in my life. I don't know where I'll intern, I don't know what'll happen to Gramps, I don't even know where I'll be a year from now."

"Rach, why haven't you told me all of this?" Josh asks, voice laced with hurt.

I play with the corner of my napkin. "I don't know. I just wanted everything to stay like it is now. It's so...it's so perfect, and I didn't want to screw everything up."

Josh sighs and leans back, running a hand through his near-black hair. I open my mouth to say more, but I can't find any words so I press my lips shut again.

Eventually Josh asks, "Ready to go?" 

I nod mutely and follow him out the door. Though he gets the door for me, he doesn't touch me. I can't tell whether he's irate or hurt or a mixture of both. We go back to school, and he parks and helps me out of the truck. We stand awkwardly outside the dorm. I stare at him, pleading with him to understand, but he won't meet my eyes.

I step tentatively closer to him, wanting to soothe both of our worries, but I can't, so I lean up and kiss him softly.

"Josh," I whisper earnestly. "Please don't make my fears come true."

~~~~~

They can't stay in their own little utopia forever, unfortunately. What do you think? Will they last? 

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for the final chapters in the next few weeks :)

~ Hannah