All my other thoughts have set with the sun
or disappeared with the minute hand. 
I think of you
and I smile.
Will I always think of you at this time of night?

Even when I'm 90
will I remember the 19 year old boy
who left me this way?
It's in my blood, I guess 
to commit unwithholdingly
when I decide I love someone, 
I love them forever.
But how can I pine for you
when I sometimes wonder 
if you even remember my name?

April 4, 2015

"Hello?" I call, banging on the front door. "Mom? Dad?"

Josh stands nervously next to me, adjusting his button up shirt and running a hand through mussed dark hair. I smile at him encouragingly; I think it's absolutely adorable how nervous he is even though he's already met my entire family. They owe him a great debt of gratitude for driving me six hours to visit Gramps in the hospital. Basically, he already has a head start on the whole "impress-the-parents" thing. 

The door swings open, and Dad smiles broadly back at us. "Rachel!"

He wraps me up in his comforting bear hug and then turns to Josh with a gentle smile. "Josh, we're so glad to have you. Happy Easter."

Josh reaches out to shake my dad's hand. "You too, sir."

"No hand shakes among family, young man," Dad answers, wrapping Josh in a hug as well.

Josh looks at me with panicked eyes over Dad's shoulder, and I flash him a thumbs up. Dad likes Josh, but he's also just happy I'm bringing a boy home. Apparently this convinces him that my awkward, anti-social ways are behind me. If only.

We traipse inside to discover Mom chasing Tommy with a towel because he stole a hot chocolate chip cookie right out of the oven. 

"You whippersnapper!" She pauses when she sees us at the door, her face blushing pink with embarrassment. "Rachel! Welcome home."

Mom gives me a hug then turns to Josh, offering her hand curtly. "Joshua, right?"

"Uh, yes ma'am, Mrs. Evans." He shakes her hand with an awkward smile.

Her tight smile softens a little at his anxiety. "Welcome. If Rachel likes you, then I guess we have to too."

"I heard something about cookies," I jump in energetically.

My mom's chocolate chip cookies are world renowned. I still have friends from high school who text me to see if my mom can send them cookies at college.

"Josh, you have to try one. Mom's cookies are legendary," I say, tugging on his hand.

I take a bite out of a cookie, savoring the warm melted chocolate. If I could describe the taste of home, it would be Mom's chocolate chip cookies. Josh has one as well and reaches to wipe chocolate from the corner of my mouth, making me laugh. 

Mom and Dad linger in the kitchen, watching us. Dad has a blissful smile across his face, but as usual, Mom is a bit more skeptical.

"So, Rachel, tell us how you two started dating," Mom asks, eyes assessing us both carefully.

I lean against the kitchen countertop and squeeze Josh's hand. "We've been friends since freshman year. Josh was on my wilderness trip, and we stayed pretty good friends." I struggle to tell the rest of the story--how do I explain Josh's heartbreak over Haley, me dating and breaking up with Collin, Josh refusing me and then kissing me? I opt for simplicity. "Then everything changed. Josh drove me to see Gramps, and then he took me to a dance a few weeks later. Now we're here."

I offer Josh a shared smile at the utter simplicity of the tale. If I told them the whole story, they'd probably think we were insane. Maybe we are.

"Well, Rachel, you certainly seem happy," Dad says, alleviating some of the tension from Mom's penetrating gaze. "And Josh seems like an upstanding young man. Not many people would do what he did for you the other night with your grandfather."

"I know," I answer, wrapping an arm around Josh and leaning against him. "I'm really lucky."

Josh speaks for the first time, his voice low. "No, I'm the lucky one."

April 5, 2015

"Happy Easter, Gramps!" we cry, bursting into his hospital room with our arms full with Easter lunch.

Gramps was admitted to hospice not longer after Josh and I visited, but he's doing better than the doctors expected. No one wanted to spend Easter without Gramps, so we've overwhelmed the hospital staff with nearly fifteen family members and enough food to go around. 

Gramps sits up with a cough in his hospital bed, a pained smile on his face. "Well aren't y'all a sight for sore eyes! I thought I'd be stuck eating green jello again."

"Everyone deserves a real Easter dinner," I say, rushing over to press a kiss to my grandpa's wrinkled cheek.

"Rachy, I'm so glad to see you!" he exclaims, his tired eyes lighting up when he sees me.

"You too, Gramps. You look like you're ready to take on the world," I say with a smile.

"Maybe not the world, but at least a bad lung or two," he answers with a chuckle.

"Gramps, there's someone I'd like you to meet," I say, beckoning Josh over beside me. "This is my boyfriend, Josh."

It still feels strange to introduce Josh as my boyfriend - strange, perfect, and surreal, all at the same time. 

Gramps reaches up and grabs Josh's outstretched hand with two of his own. "I'm glad I get to meet you. I hear you're the young man who drove our Rachy here to see me when I had my surgery."

"Yes, sir. She's told me a lot about you," Josh adds, unable to resist a smile.

"All good things, I hope," Gramps responds with a wink in my direction.

"Always," I answer with a smile. "Now have a bite of mashed potatoes before the nurse comes back in."

Gramps chuckles. "You do know how to spoil a man."

And so we eat our Easter dinner in a hospital room with the one person who has always drawn us all together: Gramps. I try not to think that this might be our last Easter together.

April 6, 2015

Josh turns down the soft folk music playing on the radio in his truck and glances at me thoughtfully. We left my house a few hours ago, and I have been relishing the peaceful quiet after spending the weekend with my chaotic extended family.

"I'm really glad you invited me," Josh says, his voice soft.

"Really?" I answer. "You seemed kinda uncomfortable some of the time."

"I mean, I was, a little," he says with a laugh. "Your family is very...huggy."

I grimace. Aunt Carin's hug might have pushed him a little over the edge; she can get a little handsy.

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"But I'm glad I got to meet them. I feel like I understand you better now." He glances at me, his eyes warm and smiling.

"I thought you understood me pretty well already," I answer, grinning at him.

"Yeah, but you're different around your family. No, not different." He pauses, struggling for words. "You're more...complete. You just make more sense."

"I'm going to take that as a compliment," I answer laughingly.

Josh's eyebrows furrow. "Your family is so different from mine. You all genuinely love each other, but you, Rach, you're like the core, the heart of the whole family. You take care of all of them, your mom, your dad, your grandpa."

I frown. "Me?"

"Yeah. It explains why you've always tried to take care of me," he adds with a wry smile.

I grin. "Like the time I made you chicken noodle soup?"

"Yep. Seriously, though, Rach. I think it's incredible. The way you care about people." His eyes blaze admiration into my soul, and my face heats. 

I shrug and avoid his gaze. "When I care about someone, I'd do just about anything for them. I want them to know I care. We're a lot alike in that way, you know. You've been there for me when I needed you more than once."

Josh's eyes remain fastened on the road, a silvery light in them. "I guess it's because I don't care about that many people. Ellie. You. Jordan and Luis. I think I've always been looking for...for a real family. You are one of the only people who has ever really cared about me."

"All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy," I whisper.

"You make me happy, Rach," Josh turns and smiles at me.

 Warmth erupts in me at his words, rising from the bottom of my stomach, tracing my ribs, caressing my heart, and turning the corners of my mouth into a smile. I reach over and squeeze Josh's hand, tightly holding the steering wheel.

"Just so you know," I say, my voice wavering. "You have a real family. I'm your family now."

~~~~~

*Sigh* I don't have anything to say at this point except I totally love them. Let me know what you think of them as a couple so far!

Love, Hannah