If I knew how to love you
I would. 

If I knew how to pull you away from the cliff
I would. 
If I knew how to kill your demons for you
I would.
Sadly

You alone can defeat your demons

and I have my own to escape.

February 16, 2015

A few weeks have passed and little has changed. Gramps has recovered enough that they moved him out of the intensive care unit, but they don't think he'll leave the hospital again. It's only a matter of time.

I've returned to my daily routine: school, the Bee, and more school. Josh is not so distant as he was; we've begun to bridge the gap between us, but there is still so much left unsaid. Have his feelings changed? Is he willing to give us a shot? I have no idea, but I know that if he said the word, I would jump head first into the adventure that could be us. He says nothing, so I try not to hope, but I can't deny that seeing more of him fills my lungs with air that I didn't know I was craving.

The one problem I haven't yet faced is AJ. When he refused to drive me to the hospital, I knew he hadn't changed, that he was still as narcissistic and self-destructive as always. I've realized that our entire friendship has been him leaning of me, and me struggling to carry him. I thought he had learned to walk, but now I know that he has no desire to stand on his own two feet. I have tried again and again to save him, but I can't save someone who won't try to save themselves.

AJ has called and left me countless voicemails, most of them while inebriated, begging for my forgiveness. In the past, I would have felt guilty for not responding immediately, but he is not my weight to bear. The time has come, however, to face him. I wander to the stairwell of my dorm and press call.

"Rach, hey," AJ answers tentatively.

"Hey, AJ." I open my mouth to apologize, and then close it again. No regrets. "We need to talk."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Rach. I screwed up again."

Normally, I would say "that's okay" or "it happens," but not today. "Yeah, you did."

"I'm sorry." He pauses. "How's your grandpa?"

"AJ, we have to talk about this. You said you changed. You said things were different, but you're the same as you were before." Unbidden tears sting my eyes. 

AJ sighs. "I'm trying, I really am."

"That's not good enough any more," I say, trying to keep my voice calm.

"What?" I can hear the astonishment in AJ's voice. "What are you talking about?"

"AJ, friendship is supposed to be a two way street, but ever since we've known each other, I've been the one who takes care of you and supports you. I thought that after you went through therapy, I could trust you, and I could, for a while, but when I needed you, you let me down. You wouldn't help me. What kind of friendship is that?"

I catch my breath and feel my face burning hot. 

Finally, he says, "I...I really am sorry. I was kinda tipsy, and-"

"No! Just stop with the excuses already!" I shout. "I'm tired of hearing excuses for why you keep trying to destroy yourself and then expect me to save you. You know what change looks like, but you aren't even trying."

"I am trying, Rach." His voice strains.

"So am I. I can't..." I struggle for a moment to say the words that will forever annihilate our friendship. "I can't be that person for you any more. I need friends who I can depend on, and I can't trust you."

"I'll be better, I swear!" he pleads desperately.

Tears burn down my face, and I wonder if I'm making a mistake. 

"AJ, you need this as much as I do. You have to learn to stand on your own for once instead of depending on me to pick you up every time you screw up. And you can't be my burden to carry anymore. I can't save you; you have to save yourself."

My words echo between us, and my shoulders sag in exhaustion. Right or wrong, I can't take care of AJ any longer; I can barely take care of myself.

AJ finally responds, "I guess I don't have a say in this." There's a hard, bitter note in his voice. "Well, this was fun while it lasted."

And with those final, acerbic words, he hangs up and our friendship is over. 

February 25, 2015

During a moment of temporary idiocy, I agreed to go dress shopping with Jordan and Luis. Jordan is searching for a new dress to wear to the March Banquet, and she's convinced Luis and I to help. Since this is the first time I've ever seen Jordan excited about something formal and/or stereotypically feminine, I work hard to pretend I'm happy to be here. I  still haven't been able to get out of going to the banquet, thanks to Chloe, and with AJ excommunicated, I'm going solo. I'm staking my enjoyment of the evening on the chicken nuggets and fries I plan to hide in my purse.

Jordan pulls out a dress that is essentially made out of black lycra. "What about this one?"

"Veto," I holler from my seat on a bench next to Luis. "It's a formal banquet, Jord. Think classy. Think Audrey Hepburn."

Luis grins. "I wouldn't mind if you wore that one."

Jordan ignores him and flips through more dresses, tossing a few over her arm to try on in a minute. "Why aren't you looking, Rach?"

"I already have a dress. Plus, I have no one to impress." I roll my eyes. "Chloe already nabbed Simon."

"Hot barista boy? I'm kinda jealous," Jordan answers, eliciting a glare from Luis.

"Hot barista boy? What the heck?" Luis exclaims.

Jordan puts her hand up. "Don't get your panties all in a wad. He's objectively hot."

Luis looks disbelievingly between me and Jordan, and I shrug. "You can't argue with objective fact."

"What about this dress?" Jordan asks, pulling out a dress.

I admire the dress for a moment. It's a maroon off-the-shoulder mermaid dress made of flowing material with a lace covered bodice; it's beautiful, but I would never have the guts to wear it.

"I don't need a dress," I finally say, forcing my eyes away from it.

"It's on sale for 45 bucks because it's missing a button. Chloe could fix it; you know she sews half of her clothes herself anyways," Jordan insists, thrusting the dress towards me.

"Jord, I don't need a dress. Stop pushing it," I grumble, turning to scan a rack of plaid berumda shorts.

I thought these went out of style five years ago.

"Rach, we have something to tell you," Jordan blurts out, and I spin around.

I frown at the mischief in her eyes. "What'd you do?"

Jordan and Luis exchanges a glance. "We got you a date for the banquet."

I sigh in exasperation. "Jord, I don't need a pity date."

"Oh, it's definitely not a pity date," she answers conspiratorily.

"If you set me up with Snotty Rodney..." I growl.

Jordan throws her hands in the air, the dresses falling into a heap on the floor. "Rach, it's Josh!"

I freeze and stare at her with eyes wide. "Josh? You mean, my Josh? Josh Hunter?"

My face flashes red. Did I seriously just call him "my Josh"?

"I told him that you didn't have a date and asked him if he wanted to go with you. He agreed pretty enthusiastically," Jordan says with a grin. 

I crumble onto the bench next to Luis, covering my humiliated face with my hands and groaning. "You've got to be kidding me."

"What? He just needed a little kick in the pants to...you know, get things going with you two," Jordan says, grinning and quirking her eyebrows suggestively.

"No, he's going out of pity because I managed to screw things up with yet another boy in my life," I exclaim, standing up again suddenly.

Jordan grows somber. "Rach, this is Josh we're talking about. We can all see how he feels about you. Now that you two are talking again, we thought this would give you guys a second chance. Plus, you'll have me, Chloe, and Luis as your wingman and women."

I pick up the maroon dress from the floor and examine it, lost in thought. I wanted a second chance, didn't I? And if Josh is willing, what's stopping me?

~~~~~

Guyyysss, things are about to get exciting! Any thoughts on what'll happen at the banquet? 

What did you think about Rachel's decision to nix AJ? Right? Wrong? Maybe a little of both? It makes me think of the new Ed Sheeran song (shameless plug for my favorite singer) "Save Myself." 

Anyways, I promise you'll want to stay tuned for what's to come. 

~ Hannah