there is this underlying certainty
of all that I do
that assures me of one thing:
that if I saw you again,
we would be the same.
that we were was timeless
and if I were to see you
ten years from now,
your eyes would still know me.
I can't let go of the certainty
that you and I will never change
that what we were
could never be affected
by something so trivial
as time and space
therefore I trust
that even though I may never see you again 
we would still be the same
I have to be sure
that you and I are still us.

February 7, 2017

We rush over to where the nurse stands in teal scrubs with a clipboard in hand. He glances at us indifferently as we wait with bated breath.

"Well?" Mom finally interjects impatiently.

"Theodore is awake and ready to speak with you."

Aunt Carin lets out a little cheer, and we all breathe a sigh of relief. He's alive.

"And the surgery?" Mom prods, "was it successful?"

The nurse hesitates as he scans the paperwork. "Unfortunately, the surgery was largely unsuccessful. One lung has deteriorated to near collapse. There's nothing we can do."

I know what this means: There's no hope. He's destined to live out his final days in hospice care without any chance of survival.

"Can we see him now?" Dad intervenes, and the nurse motions for us to follow him down the hallway.

As we pad quietly down the hallway in the almost reverential silence, I try not to glance into the rooms that we pass. I try not to see the shriveled frames of the cancer patients in only their thin hospital gowns. I try not to see the sterile rooms with only the sound of beeping and the hum of heart monitors to keep them company.

We continue down the hallway until the nurse motions to a door. "Two at a time, please. He's still weak from being unconscious."

Mom and Aunt Carin make for the door at the same time as the rest of us are left to wait and speculate. A few more family members cycle through, and finally it's my turn. Dad thoughtfully asked everyone to give me a moment alone with Gramps. The rest of the family heads back to the waiting room, but Josh remains beside me.

"I'll be right back," I tell him.

He smiles softly. "I'll be here." As I turn away, he stops me with a hand on my arm. "And Rach? No regrets."

By the pain in his eyes, I can't tell if he's talking about us or about Gramps, but I agree with him regardless, "No regrets."

I swing the door open and quietly approach Gramps. He is wrapped in a blanket with an IV in one wrist and breathing tubes protruding from his nose, but I'd recognize his twinkling eyes any where.

"Hey, Gramps," I say, propping myself against the bed and gently holding his wrinkled hand.

"Pipsqueak? Is that you?" he asks, voice nearly gone.

"It's me, Gramps. You don't have to talk. I know you're tired. I just wanted you to know I'm here, and..." I fight to keep my voice even, "and that I love you."

He says nothing, but a ghostly smile graces his wrinkled cheeks and he squeezes my hand.  

We sit in silence for a while until he says, "Rachy, I know things aren't looking so good, but I want you to listen to me." He coughs for a moment and then continues, "Don't stop your life for me. We've had all these good years together, and I don't want to be the reason this one's bad."

"But Gramps," I murmur through the tears springing up in my eyes, "I can't lose you."

"You're not gonna lose me, Rachy. You're gonna make me happy by really living this year, living more than you ever have. You aren't gonna waste your time fretting over some poor old man who's lived past his due date. You hear me?"

I nod through a silent sob even though I don't know if I can heed his words. 

"Promise me, Rachy. Live with no regrets. For me." 

At the insistence in his eyes, I agree. He's right; I know this sweet, vivacious old man, and I know that all he wants is for me to be happy. I will live larger and more courageously in honor of Gramps.

"I promise. And Gramps, just in case I...I don't make it back in time, I need to tell you..." I stumble over my words and draw in a steadying breath. No regrets. "I need to tell you how much I love you. You've given me some of my best memories as a kid, and I just wish we had more time." 

Gramps squeezes my hands, and I see tears gather in his eyes. We both know this might be it. This might be the last time we see each other, and I have to say what I drove through the night to say. Just in case.

"Goodbye," I whisper, tears racing down my face. 

I wrap him in a bear hug, and I feel his hands gently pat my shoulders. I leave the room before breaking down and violently wipe the tears from my face. Josh is waiting for me in the hallway, and he passes me a bottle of water and a bag of chips. 

"Thanks," I say, leaning against the wall and sliding to the floor.

Josh joins me and our arms brush gently. I wipe the remaining tears from my eyes and fight to slow my breathing. I said goodbye. That's what I needed to do. Just in case. 

"How was he?" Josh asks after a while.

"He's good," I answer. "I told him...I told him goodbye in case I'm not here when he..." my voice trails off. "You know what's funny? He somehow managed to encourage me rather than the other way around."

Josh smiles. "What'd he say?"

"He said the same thing that you did. Live with no regrets." 

I raise my wide tear-filled eyes to Josh, and I wonder if he can read my thoughts. Losing Josh is my biggest regret, and if I have the chance to make things right, I will. 

I draw in a breath and take my first step in this new life of no  regrets. "Josh, I've...I've really missed you."

His eyes fasten earnestly on mine. "Are we...are we alright?" 

I reach over and take his hand, interlocking my fingers with his. Even if we're not what I want us to be or what we used to be, we are still us.

"We're alright."

~~~~~

A few hours later, I bid Grandpa a final goodbye, and Josh and I prepare to return to school in the warm glow of mid morning. A huge part of me wants to drop out of school for the semester and move home to spend time with Gramps, but he has made clear that isn't what he wants. Still, I hate to leave him. 

Josh and I get back in his truck and begin the long drive home. We're both exhausted since we snatched only a handful of hours of sleep throughout the night. A few hours into the drive, Josh demands we stop for something to eat, partially because he's hungry and partially because he's afraid of falling asleep at the wheel.

We pull into a hole-in-the-wall diner and order the biggest plate of breakfast food on the menu. Why would anybody ever eat anything but breakfast food? I will never pass a chance to inhale bacon like there's no tomorrow.

As we grab a booth and sit across from each other, I glance at Josh between sips of my orange juice. Though in some ways I know him almost as well as I know myself, we have both changed in three months and this is a different Josh than the one who left me in the parking lot.

"Rach, can I ask you a question?" 

Josh levels his gaze at me as I respond, "Sure, shoot."

"When you reported on the adventure day, what did you mean when you said you had to avoid me? I mean, I know things have been awkward, but..."

I summon my courage though my eyes remain on the tarnished silver of the napkin dispenser. "Josh, you hurt me. You really hurt me. And even though I know you would never intend to, I had to stay away from you so you wouldn't hurt me again."

Josh nods and swallows. "I was a complete idiot, Rach. I'm so sorry."

"I know," I say, with a half smile. "I forgave you a long time ago, I just had to avoid you for a while."

"And now?" He asks, his eyes piercing me.

I don't have an answer. Perhaps avoiding him would be better for me in the long run, but the gravitational pull between us makes it nearly impossible to stay away.

~~~~~

GUYS! We're getting so close to the end of the story! Thanks for sticking with me (and Josh and Rachel) through all of the ups and downs of the story so far. I'm grateful for all of my readers (and all 4k reads).

~ Hannah