like pennies clanking
into the bottom of my
grandfather's mason jar
the seconds fade into minutes
and oceans of seconds
have been swept away
slowly and quickly and all at once
and i still try to remember
what grandfather told me
but like minutes and hours and days goneby
his words are fading
and so are my memories

February 16, 2015

Disaster always strikes when life finally becomes bearable. I've just been managing to get my feet under me, to learn how to cope with oppressive emotions of fear and despair, to face pain and heartache with steady resolve. 

It's funny that a year and a half ago, when I was first starting school, I would have considered myself strong--tenacious, unshakable, dauntless. This last year has stolen every vestige of courage and emotional endurance I thought I had. I am just waiting for the straw that breaks the camel's back to finally crush me. 

Now the straw has finally fallen. I am finally shattered. I am crushed.

A few minutes ago, Dad called. 

"Hello, Rachel." His gentle tone should have told me everything.

"Hey, Dad," I answered, tossing my textbook aside and standing up to pace about the room. "What's going on?"

"Rachel, sweet pea, I need to tell you something."

That was when it hit me. Gramps.

"Dad?" I asked, my voice quavering. 

"Your grandpa isn't doing well. He passed out this evening, and when we took him to the hospital, they realized the cancer has moved from his liver to his lungs. They're prepping him for surgery now, but he still hasn't woken up." Dad sighed into the phone.

I collapsed to the floor. No. Not now. This wasn't right, he still had time.

"Dad..." I whispered, voice barely audible, "Dad, is he...is he going to wake up?"

"We don't know, honey."

"I'm...I'm coming home, Dad. I'm driving home tonight. I'll...I'll find a way. Just..." The tears started to fall, and I couldn't control my staggered breath. "Just tell Gramps to hold on. I'll be there soon."

Now I hold the phone in my hand, my entire body a quivering mass. I haven't moved since I ended the call five minutes ago, paralyzed by fear and sorrow. This could be the end. I know I need to get up, I need to call for help, I need to do something, but I can't even process Dad's words. I've cognitively known that something could happen to Gramps while I'm gone, that he could even pass away, but now that the end is near, it seems too sudden.

I pull my knees to my chest and bury my head in my hands, digging my fingernails into my temples as if physical pain can somehow detract from my emotional distress. I don't know how long I've been sitting here, but the tears have stopped, leaving rivulets of dried salt down my cheeks. 

I need to go home. I need to see Gramps before it's too late.

I stand up and run a hand through my hair, inhaling a shaky breath. It's a five hour drive home to Pennsylvania, and my car is still out of commission. I can't call Jordan for help because she's on a bio trip for the weekend. Chloe uses public transportation, and she's busy tonight. AJ. He's only an hour away. I don't know whether or not I can rely on him, but I have no one else to turn to.

With an unsteady hand, I pull up his number and press call.

"Hey, Rach."

"AJ...AJ, I need your help. Gramps is really bad, and I have to get home," I catch my breath, tears in my eyes as I await his response.

There's a long silence and then an apathetic voice. "I'm sorry, Rach, I can't."

My chin starts to quiver. "What...please? AJ, I need you. I need to get home. He's...he might be dying. I need to be there."

"I'm kinda busy," he says, but I hear noise in the background.

"AJ, where are you?" I demand.

"I'm out with some friends," he says.

That's when I know. I know he never really changed. AJ's still the same needy, self-destructive child he always was, and I can't depend on him any more than I ever could. 

My voice is shaking with rage and desperation as I growl, "AJ, you said you changed. You said you would keep fighting. If you meant it, if you meant any of it, please be my friend. I've never asked you for anything, but I need you now."

Someone yells at him in the background, and he's slow to respond. "None of it matters. Screw it. Screw you too if you're going to try to make me feel guilty for having a little fun."

His words hurt more than they should, and I hang up on him, tears still falling. I don't have time to mourn for AJ, nor time to worry for him. I tried to save him, but I couldn't save someone who didn't want to be saved.

My thoughts now turn to my very last resort. I have to call the one and only person who can drive me home. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I call him and ask for help, he'll come instantly. I call Josh before I can second guess myself.

I haven't called or texted him in over three months, and though we spoke briefly when I covered his day camp, there is still a barrier between us. I'm about to leap over this barrier and beg him, on my knees if I have to, to help me. Nothing matters any more except for getting to the hospital.

I press call, and he answers on the second ring, "Rach?"

Words tumble out of my mouth faster than I can stop them. "Josh, I need you. Gramps is dying, and I need to go home, and there's no one else I can call, and-"

"Rach, stop. I'm coming. Give me two minutes."

He hangs up the phone, and I sink to the floor in an exhausted puddle of tears. He's coming. I'm going home.

Moments later, I hear Josh's urgent knock at the door, and I hurry to open it. As soon as I see him, his eyes concerned and sympathetic, all of my resolution flees me. Josh is a beacon of strength in a world that is tilting off its axis. I fall into his arms, reservations tossed aside. He catches me, and I bury my head into his chest, sobbing. My fingers clutch the material of his sweatshirt and I cling to him desperately. Not Gramps. Not now, not tonight. I need to say goodbye.

Slowly, my grief subsides, and Josh's calming voice whispers in my ear, "Shh, Rach, it's okay. I'm here. We'll get you there in time."

As I slowly extricate myself from his embrace, I raise my gaze to meet his. "Thank you."

Josh gives me a shadow of a smile and then wraps an arm around my shoulder to usher me out to his truck. My whole body is shaking now, and as we climb into Josh's truck, he removes his jacket and wraps it around my shoulders as if that can somehow shelter me from my grief. 

Once in the truck, I give Josh the address for Grandpa's hospital, and we drive silently into the night. I rest my chin on my knees as we drive, my eyes watching the monotonous road in front of us. There's still a light layer of snow on the road from a recent nor'easter, and everything around me is whitewashed. It's almost as if a mask has fallen on the world, and everything looks beautiful in its uniformity. I, on the other hand, am the raw ugliness underneath the snow. Sorrow has ripped my facade to pieces, and I can't pretend that I'm alright.

I can't pretend that I'm alright because my grandfather is dying of cancer in a hospital bed while I am hundreds of miles away, because one of my closest friends abandoned me when I needed him, because the boy that I'm in love with is sitting next to me but might as well be a thousand miles away. 

Minutes, maybe hours later, I murmur in a low, hoarse voice, "When I was ten, Dad was out of town the weekend of the daddy-daughter dance at school, so Gramps took me. I wore the only dress I had, and Gramps let me wear my dead Grandma's pearls. I'd never touched real pearls before. Gramps, he told me, 'Rachy, you're more precious to me than a whole sea-ful of pearls.' We ate pastries, drank tea, and danced all night. While we danced, he spun me around, and then pulled me close and whispered, 'Rachy, the next time we dance like this will be at your wedding.'"

I fall silent, unable to finish the thought. Cancer is threatening to steal my future with Gramps, and now it's even threatening to steal my goodbye.

~~~~~

Gosh. So much is happening in this chapter - Gramps might be dying, AJ let her down, and she's somehow ended up in Josh's truck driving home. What do you think is going to happen? 

Thanks so much for reading! 

~ Hannah