being near you kills me
nearly as much as being far from you

January 19, 2015

Chloe passes me a croissant and tucks her skirt underneath her as she sits across the table from me at the Latte Lilypad. I have so appreciated my supervisor-turned-friend's constancy and support; Chloe has this inner mettle that keeps her calm and focused despite the turmoil around her.

"Did you hear about the March Banquet?" Chloe asks me as I take a giant bite of my croissant.

I roll my eyes. "The fancy one that Jordan and I managed to get out of going to last year? Yep, I've heard of it."

Every year, the school hosts a huge banquet at the beginning of March that's essentially their more pretentious version of a dance. Everyone gets dressed up in ballgowns and tuxes, eats food they've never heard of, and practices their fake, pompous laughs. Jordan and I rebelled against the banquet last year by wearing sweatpants and getting the 20 chicken nugget meal at McDonald's - one for each of us.

"So how mad would you be if I said that I signed you and Jordan up to go with me?" Chloe says with a sideways grin that reveals a single dimple.

"What?" I sputter, nearly choking on the bite of croissant. "Do you know us at all? You do realize Jordan thought calamari was onion rings once, right?"

Chloe laughs. "I do realize that Jordan is possibly the worst person to invite to a fancy dinner, but I have to go for the Bee and I'd really rather not go alone."

I roll my eyes. "I'll come if you agree to help me hide McDonald's in our purses so we have something edible to eat."

"See?" Chloe says eagerly, "it'll be a blast!"

"Do we have to bring dates?" I ask, crinkling my nose. "I mean, I know Jordan and Luis will go together because they're always together, but can I just be your plus one?"

"Sorry, Rach. I already asked Simon out."

My mouth falls open. "You mean hot barista boy Simon? That Simon?"

I subtly gesture towards the Latte Lilypad's barista, an absolutely gorgeous gift from nature with near-black skin, a perfect smile, and tattoo-covered biceps.

"Yep," Chloe answers with a smile.

"Dang, well done. I guess that means I need to find a date," I groan. "Since I'm miserably marooned on the shores of unrequited love, I'll just have to ask AJ to come as my date."

Chloe grins at my colorful language and elbows me. "Save the wordsmithery for the Bee."

January 20, 2015

"So you'll be my date to the banquet?" I ask AJ eagerly.

I hear AJ's grin through the phone. "If you have no one else to go with, then I'm down. Assuming I'm not busy that weekend."

"Uh...you're joking, right?" I ask, not liking the indifference in his voice.

"What? Uh, sure. I'll go. Just remind me."

Foreboding washes over me. His indifferent, calloused attitude is startlingly incongruent with the new and improved AJ.

"AJ, are you alright?" I ask tentatively.

"So there's this girl," he starts, "and we...you know...last night, and now she wants to like get married and all that jazz, and I'm trying to figure out how to let her down easy."

My blood runs cold. "AJ, what's wrong with you? This is just what you used to do before."

His voice comes through the phone, whiny and penitent, "I know, Rach. I screwed up again."

Part of me wants to tell him that it's alright, that he's still a good person, but I'm done mollifying him with paltry banalities.

"Yeah, you did, AJ. Don't fall back into that," I plead, "please, don't go back there."

The last time he fell into darkness, I was strong enough to pull him back out, but now, I don't know if I could.

January 29, 2015

I grab my Steno notebook, a mechanical pencil, and multiple layers of winter outerwear before braving the cold on this blustery January day. I'm off on another mission for the Bee; this time, I'm covering a winter wilderness survival day camp for local elementary school kids. Eli, our sports/outdoors guy, was supposed to cover it, but he caught the flu, so I'm stuck going out into the cold when I would much rather be under the covers with a mug of tea and a Dickens novel.

I zip up my black puffer coat and wrap my scarf in a chokehold around my neck to prevent the wind from slithering down my neck and I make my way towards the gym and the ski hill. I haven't ventured to the ski hill since I hid up here and cried several months ago, and even though I'm just passing through on my way to the ropes course behind it, just walking on the same ground invokes memories of that terrible night. This is the same ground on which Josh and I laid side by side and talked about life in the aftermath of his heartbreak with Haley. It's hard to believe that person, the one to whom I bared my soul, is now little more than a stranger.

I am startled from my memories by the sound of screaming children. I approach the crowd of kids and teachers and push my way to the front, trying to find the masterminds of this operation.

"Excuse me!" I call to a girl in an official t-shirt. "Hi, I'm Rachel Evans, a reporter with the Regent Bee. I'm here to interview the person in charge of this event."

The girl smiles. "I'll get the student director for you right away. Just hold tight a sec."

I nod and scan the crowd, jotting a few notes down about the estimated number of students and the various schools represented. Community interest pieces like these are usually front page articles, so I'm determined to do my best.

"Rach?"

The voice behind me is so familiar that I almost drop my notebook and pencil as I spin around. Josh stands before me with an easy grin on his face. His eyes smile at me, the color identical to the cold blue of the winter sky. His face is flushed and glowing in the biting wind and snowflakes rest on his eyelashes.

"Josh. Uh, sorry." I'm not sure what I'm apologizing for, but I do so anyways.

"Rach, you don't have to avoid me," he says with a dimpled smile.

I look down at the frosty ground, drawing a pattern in the snow with my toe. "Uh...yeah, I kinda do."

I glance up at him shyly and watch understanding wash over his features. He clears his throat and looks away.

"I'm looking for the student director. I'm here with the Bee. Do you know who he or she is?"

"Uh, that's me, Rach." Josh says with a half smile. "I'm in charge."

I feel pride swell inside of me. "You're in charge of this whole event?" I can't help but smile. "That's awesome! This is your...your dream!"

Josh smiles, this time effortlessly. "I know, I still can't believe it. My advisor told me about this event and asked if I'd like to direct it, so I said yes! We have kids from all over the region here. I was going to tell you about it, but..."

Discomfiture falls back over us like a blanket of snow on a field. I bite my lip and close my eyes for a moment, summoning my bravery. I can't avoid him today, so I'll just have to face him and try to keep my feelings in check.

"Well, I have to interview you. For the newspaper." I bring my notebook in front of my eyes, mostly to hide my flushed features.

"Why don't you let me show you what I have set up for the day?" he says, motioning for me to walk beside him.

I join him, and for a moment this feels like the Before, when we were friends. I realize that something of that friendship is left; I still know him almost as well as I know myself. Running this camp is the first step in the pursuit of his goals, and I'm so proud of him.

As we approach his headquarters underneath a pavilion, he turns to me. "So...how've you been, Rach?"

I don't know what to say or even if I should answer him. If I thought he was manipulating me, I wouldn't tell him, but I know him. I know he only asks because he genuinely cares. He still cares.

"I'm...I don't know how to answer that," I respond, knotting my gloved fingers together and examining our matching footprints in the snow.

Josh nods, and I feel the wall between us being further cemented by my words. Where there used to be effortless, open conversation, there are now silence and stilted answers. As we walk silently, the wall becomes almost tangible, and I wonder if we'll ever breach it again.

~~~~~

I really relate to this chapter; reconnecting with people who used to mean so much to you is always hard.  Is it bad that I love Jordan even when she's only referenced? She can't be the only one who thought calamari was onion rings haha.

Thank you SO SO much for reading! This story is a blast to write, and I can't believe we're nearing the climax! So much is going to happen in the next few chapters!

~ Hannah