The past is safe
and familiar
and you are there
and I miss it.

I cling to it
and to you
as to something familiar
as a symbol of simpler times
and a simpler me.

I know I've changed
but I wish I were the same
that you and I were the same
but we're not.

Maybe I'm afraid of the future
I can remember the past
In varying degrees of clarity
but I know nothing of the future.

Maybe I'm afraid
that things will never be as easy
with anyone as they were
with you.

I want to go back
to things that are known
because it's so hard to believe
that the unknown could be any better.

My shoulders carry the unknown
and the known alike
and I'm not sure which one is heavier
or which haunts me more.

December 22, 2014

"Rach!" I hear AJ's voice before I see him.

He stands in front of my dorm in a pair of skinny jeans, a hoodie, and his everpresent Converse. Since I'm poor and my car is out of commission, AJ volunteered to pick me up and drive me home for the holidays. I've never been so happy to see him in my life.

I run to him quickly and wrap him in a grateful hug. "It's so good to see you."

""So...how is everything?" he says, his obsidian eyes boring into me as he throws an arm casually across my shoulder and we head up to my dorm room to grab my stuff.

It's startling to realize how much I have come to trust AJ; he's no longer the irresponsible highschooler or the depressed college student. He's becoming my best friend again, and my vulnerability around him terrifies me. Part of me still questions whether I can trust him, but I have no one else left.

"It's...I think I'll be okay. Part of that is thanks to you." I smile at him gently and reach up to squeeze the hand looped around my shoulder.

He grins at me winningly, and we head towards  my room to grab my stuff. When we reach the room, the door is closed, so I shove it open. The sight before me shocks me into instant silence.

Josh. Josh leans against the closet while Jordan and Luis sit on the bed. Josh. I try to imagine why he could be here, and the only thing I can think is that he and Jordan have remained friends behind my back despite everything that's happened. At our entrance, their easy conversation ceases, and they stare at me pensively.

My eyes fly first to Jordan and the penance in her eyes and then to Josh. I see contrition and true sorrow in his gaze, and I wonder if this separation has hurt him as much as me.

"Rach, I'm...I'm so sorry, I thought you'd already left," Jordan says, jerking to a standing position.

These are the first civil words I've heard from her in more than a month, but I can't return them. I stare from her to Josh and then back again. Words press against my lips, begging for escape. Jordan, how could you do this? Josh, how could you leave me? But I don't say anything.

AJ steps from beside me to break the awkwardness with his smooth charisma. "Hey, I'm AJ Shaw. Nice to meet you."

He shakes the hands of the stunned trio before me, and I manage to find my voice. The words that come from me, however, are weak and cowardly because I don't know who else to be.

"Uh, AJ, you may remember Jordan from that night...in the hospital. This is her boyfriend Luis, and, uh, Josh."

My eyes flicker to Josh's and then falter back to the floor; I know that he can see straight through my facade to the affliction inside. The piercing gaze from his blue eyes engenders a screaming fear inside of me. Flee, it whispers. Flee before he can hurt you.

The silence rests like a heavy blanket on all of us, and I finally break it. "Uh, AJ, we should...go. It's a long drive home."

I realize that Josh has no idea who AJ is; I can see in his hardened glare at AJ that he has only assumed the worst, that AJ is my boyfriend and I'm taking him home for the holidays. My gut wrenches at the thought that Josh believes that I could recover from him so quickly. I'm not sure if I can ever recover.

AJ and I shoulder my bags and leave the dorm room as quickly as possible, and when we finally are in AJ's car, I lean against the seat and release a long breath. Jordan's betrayal hurts just as much as seeing Josh up close for the first time in weeks.

"So that was him?" AJ asks, glancing at me from the driver's seat.

"Yep. That's Josh."

"The guy was shooting bullets at me with his eyes."

My back stiffens and I square my shoulders. "He has no right to be jealous. He's the one who gave us up."

AJ's eyes are thoughtful as he murmurs, "That might be true, but I don't think he's over you."

I curse myself for the hope that wells up inside me at AJ's words. I still so badly want a chance with Josh that I cling to every shrapnel of hope. My heart still whispers, What if?

December 25, 2014

"Merry Christmas, Gramps," I say, leaning over to hug the ancient man.

"Oh, Rachy," he says, squeezing my cheek with two wrinkly fingers, "it's so good to see you. It's been too long."

I smile softly. "I agree, Gramps."

I unlock the brake on his new wheelchair and push him into the living room to join Mom, Dad, Tommy, AJ, and Aunt Carin. Christmas is a somber affair as we are all forced to reflect on how much has changed in the past year. Luckily, in all the solemnity, my personal affliction has gone unnoticed. I am content to rest in the shadows and care for Gramps and my family quietly.

After setting Gramps up in the living room, I head to the kitchen for a glass of water and a deep breath. I had hoped to escape my omnipresent sorrow when I came home, but I should have known better. Between my heartbreak over Josh and watching Gramps fade away, I'm not sure there's any joy left to be had.

"Hey, sweet pea." Dad's gentle voice surprises me, and I turn to smile at him. 

"Hey, Dad."

He joins me in the kitchen, snatching a Christmas cookie decorated like a stocking. I'm a little ashamed to say that I haven't talked to either of my parents much in the past few months. Mom is consumed by bitterness from everything happening with Gramps, so consumed that she is oblivious to anything happening in anyone else's life. I haven't told Dad what's been going on either in an attempt to prevent him from trying to bear my pain as he has been bearing Mom's.

"I'm sorry the holidays have been so dismal this year," he says, sighing and leaning against the counter.

I can see the toll that Grandpa's illness has taken on him; the lines around his eyes have expanded into a lattice of wrinkles across his face, aging him. His eyes sag in exhaustion, and even his shoulders seem to sag under the invisible weight he's bearing. He runs a hand across his face slowly.

"It's not your fault, Dad," I say, leaning next to him and interweaving my fingers with his. "I know things are tough right now. We all know."

"There's more than that on your mind, though, isn't there, Rachel?" Dad murmurs, squeezing my hand gently.

I lean into him gratefully. "Yeah. There's more."

"Wanna talk about it?" He asks gently.

Where do I begin?

"Dad, I...I fell in love with someone."

The words rest between us, and I watch my dad process them slowly. To his credit, he ruminates for a moment before responding carefully.

"What...what happened?"

"We didn't...he didn't want..." I struggle for words, swallowing back the tears that threaten to explod every time I try to talk about Josh. "He said...he said he couldn't be the person I need. That he would only hurt me."

Silence falls, and I count the tiles on the kitchen floor as a distraction. Every time I relive that night, the pain falls afresh on me. It's as if Josh is leaving me all over again.

"Was he right?" Dad finally asks.

I pause in thought. Was Josh telling the truth? Of course, he could have hurt me, just as I might have hurt him. But could he have been what I needed? 

"No, Dad. He was wrong. He's...he's everything I need." My voice breaks.

"Oh, Rach,"  Dad says, pulling me into his chest. "Just remember: just because you need him doesn't mean he can't hurt you."

Dad's right. If anything, it means he can hurt me more.

~~~~~

Dang, these chapters are really sad. I think it's important to show that Rachel's growing up and facing some really hard stuff. However, I PROMISE things get better soon, just keep reading! 

Thanks for the votes, reads, and comments! I'm so appreciative of your support!

~Hannah