I clench a key in between my fingers
when there is a man walking behind me
I wear loose shirts and long shorts
and run away from catcalls
and hide in bathroom stalls
to avoid rejecting a boy
and carry pepper spray with me everywhere i go.

men do not define me.
but sometimes i am still afraid
because they can hurt me.

November 6, 2014

When Josh and I pull apart and return to opposite sides of the table, I can feel the loss of him in every molecule of my body. With Collin, I felt wanted; with Josh, I feel belonging. One was temporary, the other feels timeless.

The evening passes in this sort of ethereal reverie; everything feels hazy, the edges merely muted shadows. It's almost as if magic has fallen on us for the evening. We laugh, eat too much, and talk like old friends. When Chloe shows up, her hair in a halo of curls and a dimpled smile on her face, she's brimming with energy.

"Oh, guys, so sorry I'm late. I started reading Anna Karenina on the bus on my way, and I got so into it that I missed my stop." She sits down with a huff, and I recognize the outline of a large book in her bag.

Josh laughs at her. "No wonder you and Rachel get along so well."

Chloe laughs when she sees Luis and Jordan caught up in each other and ignoring the rest of us. "I see you two are having a good night."

Jordan turns towards us. "Oh, hey, Chlo. I didn't see you come in." Jordan's eyes sparkle as she looks back at Luis. "I was a little...distracted."

"We couldn't tell," I retort with a roll of my eyes.

"Oh shut up," Jordan bites back and then plants a quick kiss on Luis.

My phone buzzes on the table, and I jump up. "I'll be right back, give me a sec."

As I walk to the corner of the room where I'll only bother the more drunken patrons of the bar, I glance at my phone to see who's calling. Collin. I question whether not I should answer, but I haven't heard from him since he abandoned me in the parking lot, and I'm curious.

"Hello?" I answer tentatively.

"Rachel Evans." His words are slurred, but I would know his voice anywhere.

"Collin? Uh, why did you call me?"

I hear garbled words on the other end of the phone, and I cover my ear, descending into a darkened hallway of the bar to try to find enough quiet to hear him.

"Rachel Evans," Collin says again with a harsh, embittered laugh. "It's been a while."

"Yeah, the last tme I saw you, you abandoned me in a parking lot."

"The last time I saw you, you screwed me over." His voice is rising, and guilt slams me like a familiar hammer into an anvil.

I sigh, reticent to rehash the past. "What do you want?"

"I...I just want to tell you that you suck." His voice is slurring quietly now, and I wonder just how wasted he is. "You promised you would try to make us work. You promised."

I remember that night, leaning against his car. I promised I would try, and I did try, I just didn't succeed.

"Collin, I already apologized." Guilt fills me for the umpteenth time. "What more can I do? I...I never meant to hurt you."

"You can feel the same pain you gave me," he rasps, his voice steadying. "You can open your own chest. Cut your wrists. Throw yourself on a railroad track. Then maybe you'd understand."

His words bring tears springing unbidden to my eyes. "Collin, you don't get it. I...I know how you feel. There's...there's someone else, and I feel that way every time I see him. I feel like I'm dying and resurrecting at the same time. I know how you feel."

There's silence on the other end of the phone, and I bite my tongue, wishing I would have stayed silent.

"Of course there's someone else," he growls and releases a string of curse words, condemning me with his vulgarities. "Screw you, Rachel Evans."

The flatline tone in my ear tells me that Collin's hung up, and I know it's for the best. I silently hope that he was drunk enough to forget the entire conversation. I lean against the wall of the darkened hallway and draw in a breath. The magical surrealism of the night vanishes in the sharp light of guilt and self-loathing.

"Hey, sexy."

The voice coming out of the darkness shocks me, and I jump upright, eyes wide. The form of a man at least a few years my senior emerges from the darkness, a snarling smirk on his lips. He's wearing a flannel shirt and a pair of faded jeans, and I can smell liquor on his breath. I sidestep towards the main room of the bar, but he pounces like a cat, pinning me to the wall with one hand on either side of my head.

Now I can almost taste the whiskey on his breath as he leans closer to me, a depraved fire burning in his gaze.

"What's a pretty little thing like you doing all by yourself in this dark, abandoned hallway?"

I try to keep my fear hidden, but my voice still shakes. "I...I just had to take a phone call. I need to get back to my friends."

I try to duck under his arm and sprint for the glowing light of the bar, but he catches my arm and pins it against the wall. I cry out involuntarily and find myself unable to move. My heart pounds in my chest. No. No, this can't be happening.

I open my mouth and try to scream, but it is muffled by another hand covering my mouth. I taste the grime and alcohol on his hand and squirm, unable to free myself. One hand fishes under the bottom of my dress and slides up my thigh, leaving a trail of goosebumps.

Again I scream and try to wriggle free, but I only succeed in angering him. My assailant releases my mouth only to slap me across the face. The slap sends my head banging against the wall and I'm shocked senseless for a moment, dizziness hazing my vision. I feel his hands ravaging across my skin, and I try to break free as desperation sinks in.

"What's going on?" I hear a sharp voice interrupt, and I turn wildly in that direction.

The man releases me quickly, and I call out in a voice that is barely above a whisper, "Josh."

I should have known he'd find me. I sag against the wall in relief and adjust my dress, drawing in short, frantic breaths.

My assailant stands in front of me, leering at Josh. "There's nothing to see here."

"Rach, come here," Josh says, motioning for me.

I try to skitter from behind the man, but he catches my arm and jerks me beside him. I feel tears coming to my eyes as they plead with Josh for help. He's standing in front of us with fists balled and jaw clenched, and though he's remaining outwardly calm, I can see the growing rage in his fiery gaze.

"Let go of her."

The man squeezes my arm tighter and leans towards Josh. "Make me."

Josh hauls his arm back and slams his fist into the man's face, sending him staggering backwards. He releases me, and I run to Josh, hiding behind him. He squeezes my hand reassuringly, but a second later my attacker throws himself at Josh, and they're caught up in a fistfight. They fall to the floor, fists pounding each other amidst muffled groans.

"Help!" I holler, finally finding my voice.

I back towards the light of the bar, calling out again, and eventually a few people show up and tear Josh and the man apart.

Jordan rushes to my side, touching my shoulder gingerly. "Rach, what happened?"

"I...he..." I stumble for words, eyes caught on Josh being held back by three men.

Blood is dripping from his nose, and his chest is heaving from exertion. His eyes are wild, animalistic, unlike I've ever seen them.

"Rach?" Jordan prods.

"That man..." I point at my assailant with a wavering finger. "He attacked me...he tried to..."

As soon as Jordan realizes what I'm trying to say, she pulls my trembling body against her. "It's okay, it's okay." I cry against her, wishing the tears could wash this patina of filth from my skin.

Eventually they release Josh who has finally calmed from his manic outburst, and he comes over to me. His features are drawn, and he runs a hand roughly over his mangled face.

"Rach?" he asks, his voice gravelly. "Are you okay?"

I let go of Jordan and move to him instantly, wrapping him in a hug. I don't know if he is holding me or I am holding him.

"Thank you," I whisper.

~~~~~

So the story hit 3k views...woohoo! In honor of 3k, I'll post two chapters, so just keep reading!

I tried to twist the typical bar fight scene--what did you think? I adore Josh's protective instinct even though he may have got a little carried away here.