It's not that I can't feel happiness.
I feel it
in the hug of my father
the words of a close friend
a good book and a cup of tea
a walk in the sunshine

It's that all of my happiness
is tinged with sadness
there is no pure joy any more
it's all tainted
as if a drop of gray
has leaked into the warm yellows

Perhaps that's worse
than feeling no happiness at all
you can feel it,
but not fully
it's diluted, tainted, lacking.
I can't be happy again
there's always a hint of goodbye
a hint of loss, of pain, of regret
of missing people
it tarnishes everything

I can't be happy
and even if I try to be,
I'm held back by
the pain that sleeps with me
wakes with me
walks with me.

What more is there to say?
Sadness is my constant companion
though he is the one friend
I wish I had lost instead.

September 25, 2014

"Rachel! Where's the popcorn?" Jordan roars at me from the lounge, and I hurry to dump the bag of Orville Redenbacher into a bowl.

"Coming!" I answer, returning to our growing gang of Monday Movie Night members.

Jordan and Josh are here as always, but I've also invited Chloe to join us and Josh invited his roommate, Drew, so he doesn't feel quite as outnumbered.

"What movie tonight?" Josh asks, spreading his arms across the back of the couch.

"If Rachel suggests another period drama, I'm going to revolt," Jordan complains, savagely grabbing a handful of popcorn.

"If you appreciated Jane Austen as much as she deserves it, we wouldn't have this argument," I grumble back.

Chloe interrupts, reaching into a colorful woven bag, "I know this is my first movie night, but I brought La Dolce Vita." At our dumbfounded looks, she explains, "It's an Italian masterpiece. It describes in lyrical beauty the search for happiness in an empty world."

For a moment, I desperately pray that Jordan won't laugh aloud as Josh intercedes, "But...um, none of us speak Italian."

"Oh, don't worry," Chloe continues, completely oblivious, "it has subtitles."

I touch Chloe's arm. "Uh, Chlo, I think that might be one to save for just you and me."

Jordan snorts as Chloe tucks the DVD back into her bag. Eventually, we settle on a comedy and the five of us cram onto the couch. As the movie plays, I risk a glance or two in Josh's direction. I've seen very little of him since our heart-rending drive back to campus. I can't help but wonder if something changed that night. I could sense Josh's concern and care for me, and I can't help but wonder if his feelings have finally progressed beyound friendship. I'm afraid, however, that in the wake of Collin, I won't be ready for the relationship between the two of us that I've been craving.

AJ said that I have to decide who I want to be, and maybe I don't know the answer to that question yet. I know that I want to be kind, I want to be selfless, I want to be compassionate; these are the traits that I've always sought. However, I also need to be more. I need to be strong, determined, brave. I need to stand up for what I want, not what other people want. 

The movie winds to the final credits, and we slowly disentangle ourselves and rise from the couch. I feel nature's call and turn towards the door so I can find a restroom quickly and run straight into Josh's chest. I back up quickly, managing to kick the coffee table and dump the bowl of popcorn on the floor. He reaches a hand to my arm to steady me as I regain my lost balance. Real smooth, Rach.

I smile at Josh sheepishly, and he grins back. "Sorry about that."

He laughs richly. "It's fine, Rach. But..." he looks at me pensively, his grip on my arm tightening reflexively. "How are you?"

My eyes are captured in his for a moment, and I trace the silver veins that dance through the blue of his irises. I feel my skin starting to tingle where his hand touches my arm.

"I'm...I'm going to be fine," I answer, my voice lacking the confidence I wanted.

Josh nods, his eyebrows arched in concern. "I just...I was worried about you. I should have called or texted or something, but I thought you might need some time."

I melt at the consideration in his eyes. "I'm really going to be okay. It just might take me a while."

He says nothing, but casts me an encouraging smile and releases my arm. I walk quickly to the bathroom as tears threaten to prick at my eyes. When I return, I am relieved to see that Drew is gone and Josh is in the hallway on a phone call.

Chloe is trying to convince Jordan that she would like the Italian film. "It explores adulthood and coming of age and that feeling of not knowing if you're ready for what comes next."

I grumble, "I don't know if I'm ready for anything."

Jordan raises her eyebrows knowingly. She has heard me complaining and lamenting for the past few weeks and knows exactly to what I'm referring.

"Still not over Collin?" she asks.

"I...I think I am. It's more that after what he said, I feel like I don't know who I am. How am I supposed to move on to someone else when I still feel so...so lost?" Jordan arches an eyebrow as I continue, "Maybe I just need to be alone for a while."

I draw in a deep breath and collapse on the couch at the admission, ignoring Josh as he returns a few seconds later. Even if Josh were to confess feelings for me, perhaps I need time to be ready again, time to expunge everyone else's expectations of me and establish my own expectations for myself.

October 2, 2014

I didn't realize that there was something in my life missing without Chloe's friendship. I love Jordan and Josh, but I also love classic literature and art galleries and travelling. My friendship with Chloe has given me the chance to re-explore things that I've always loved. Last week, we saw the university's production of Hamlet, and we're planning on going to an art exhibition in a few weeks. Tonight, we're in the Latte Lilypad, the ultra-hipster coffeehouse, for a spoken word open mic night.

A few people have already gone, one girl sharing about growing up on welfare and a guy sharing his struggles against the constraints of masculinity. Though I can't really relate to either of them, their fierce articulation captivates me. The coffeeshop owner signals for a ten minute break, and I turn back to Chloe and my abandoned cup of chai tea.

"So? What do you think?" she asks, her features glowing warm in the low light of the cafe.

"They're incredible!" I gush. "It's poetry, but it's so much more than that. It's basically a tool for social justice. Has the Bee done an article on them? Because they should."

"Of course we have! I talked about this place in my very first letter to the editor," she adds with a dimpled smile.

"I wish I had more talent," I muse aloud, sighing and gazing at the open mic longingly. "I might be able to write, but I could never perform like that."

"It doesn't take talent," Chloe argues, "it just takes determination and the willingness to try something that you might suck at."

I ponder her words for a moment. In all of my self-transformation, my perfectionism has remained a constant companion. I hate doing anything that might induce failure. The last time I took a real risk was the adventure program at the beginning of freshman year. I cling to perfection and run from failure as if it is the enemy.

"Have you ever done a spoken word before?" I ask Chloe curiously.

"Of course," she answers with a spunky grin. "I shared about moving away from home at fifteen. I lived on the road with an indie band for a while. When that fell through, I got my GED and started writing some freelance articles for journals in California, Washington, and Oregon. They're the ones who helped me find the scholarship I needed to come here."

Chloe shrugs off her experiences and returns her attention to her cappuccino, but I watch her carefully. She seems so carefree and blithe, yet her past is mirky and tainted with misfortune. She took risks, failed, but tried again despite her failure. In contrast, I made one mistake, and I've been allowing it to immobilize me. Because I screwed up with Collin, my gut reaction is to run from relationships, to even run from Josh. If Josh and I ever got together, I might screw it up. We might fail utterly. But wouldn't trying and failing be better than never trying at all?

~~~~~

I really love Chloe's growing friendship with Rachel! Any ideas on what might happen next with Rachel and Josh, if anything?