where were these words
when I saw you for the last time
and I was frozen in indecision?

where were these words
when they called me fat
and I accepted it?

where were these words
when anxiety stole my mind
and I could articulate nothing?

where were these words
when I was alone
and no one could tell me I was worthy?

where were these words
when I was abandoned
and labeled "unlovable"?

where were these words
when I said "see you later"
instead of "I love you"?

now they drip like blood from my fingertips
I bleed black and white
filling the sheets like newspapers
with everything I've left unsaid

I will say them now
even if they are only a whisper in my own ear
telling me I'm enough

September 12, 2014

I look into the mirror and self-consciously pull down my navy blue skirt while tucking in the floral button-up I found at a thrift store for three dollars. My eyes drift up to my face, and I see the evidence of everything that has happened this weekend in the bags under my eyes, the downturn of my features, the pallidness of my skin. Every time I think about that night with Collin, I feel the weight of oppressive guilt on my chest. Collin's and Josh's words have been at conflict within me, one voice telling me I'm selfish and one telling me I deserve the best. Perhaps both of them gave me fragments of truth, but now it is my responsibility to decide which of their accusations and accolades I'll accept and which I'll reject.

In the mean time, I've decided that keeping myself busy will allocate less time to contemplation and overthinking. I can't let the pain and guilt immobilize me. So, I've joined the Regent newspaper, entitled "The Buzzing Bee" after our mascot. I figure it'll be good experience before my journalism internship next year, and it'll get my mind off of the melodrama that is my life. I grab my backpack and make my way through campus to the liberal arts building that houses the English/journalism department and the Bee.

I've walked by the office before; it includes tiny cubicles with computers and is always bustling with busy bees (see what I did there?). I approach the door and draw in a breath, anxiety tingling in my fingertips. 

As the door swings open, I am enveloped in chatter and the rush of bodies zipping around from cubicle to cubicle. I hear the sound of a printer, or maybe two; someone is clicking pictures, and I see more than one red pen tearing pristine paper to shreds.

Eventually, someone spots me. "Hi! You looking for something?"

"Uh, yeah," I glance down at my phone for the name. "Chloe? Chloe Cassidy?"

A hand flies up from behind a cubicle, scattering papers. "That's me!"

A girl makes her way to me through the mess and grabs me, pulling me in for an emphatic hug. I'm a little too overwhelmed to do anything but stand ramrod straight. She backs away and smiles at me, dimples forming in the corner of each cheek. 

"Chloe Cassidy, head editor, at your service."

As I recover from my surprise, I take her in quickly. Her skin is coffee colored and she has curly hair that bounces a few inches short of her shoulders. Her face is heart shaped and sweet, especially with her matching dimples. She's wearing rolled up high waisted capris, heeled floral boots and a coral crop top. Her voice has tinges of a Californian accent which would explain her hipster vibe. 

I smile nervously. "Uh, yeah, hi. I'm Rachel Evans. I e-mailed you a few days ago about a position as a reporter."

"Oh, yes!" she says, clapping ringed fingers together. "I'm so glad you could make it! We're so excited to have you as a part of the team. As you can see," she motions to the mess around her, "we're a bit understaffed at the moment. But here, let me give you a tour! We already have a cubicle ready for you!"

Hope surges through me; I hadn't expected such a kind reception, nor to be accepted so quickly when I've never really published anything outside of our highschool yearbook. Chloe leads me through an exhilirating tour of the Bee office from which I will probably remember nothing and shows me my little cubicle. It's in the corner right beside the very loud coffee machine, but it's mine. My own little space. 

"Assignments are already out for this week, so you'll have a bit of a breather. Thursday and Friday you'll need to be here to help with editing so we can get it to the presses on Friday afternoon." Chloe turns and scans the room, then spins back to me. "Have you ever been to The Latte Lilypad?"

I shake my head in confusion. "Uh, no? The Lilypad?"

She swats her hand in the air dismissively. "All the best coffee places have ridiculous names. I'm going to get a cappuccino this afternoon. Wanna come along?"

I smile hesitantly. "Uh, yeah, sure!"

"Great!" She grabs a pad of sticky notes from my new desk. "I'll give you my number. Just text me when you're free!"

And she's off again, bustling through the crowd and heels clicking on the floor. I'm left speechless and grinning behind her. I've never found making friends very easy, but Chloe has practically declared us friends within three minutes of meeting. Maybe this year can still be redeemed from the tragedy it has been so far.

~~~~~

Studying has been really challenging with so many words swirling inside my head. Every time Jordan leaves the room and I'm left alone in silence, I can hear Collin's and Josh's words. Even now, as I bend over my Western Lit textbook with a purple highlighter in hand, I'm hearing insults thrown at me as if they are labels. Selfish. Condescending. Cruel. I also hear Josh's words. You deserve the best. I realize that there are so many voices in my head that I am losing track of who I am and who I want to be. 

The vibrating phone brings me back to reality, and I check the screen. When disappointment washes over me, I realize that I was hoping it would be Collin. When will that stop? When will his memory stopping being ingratiated into my every thought and action?

When the phone buzzes again, I answer it, "Hello?"

"Hey, Rach, it's me."

AJ. I haven't talked to him in months, not since he started therapy. Apparently his therapist instructed him to cut all ties with people from the past during their time together so he could focus on himself for a while. To be honest, in the midst of everything going on with Gramps and Collin and Josh, I haven't minded having some space from AJ.

"AJ. I haven't heard from you in a while." I try to inject enthusiasm into my voice, but it falls flat. 

"How are you, Rach?"

I am stunned silent for a moment. I can't remember the last time AJ gave me room to talk, much less inquired about how I was doing.

"Uh...well, things are a little rough right now, but I'm okay. Um, how are you? Back at school?"

"I'm sorry to hear things aren't good right now. Let me know if you ever need to talk." 

Again, I'm speechless. Is this the same boy who used to drone on for hours about how terrible his life was?

"Yeah, I'm back at school. I'm doing really well, Rach. I'm a new man. I feel...transformed. I know it sounds too good to be true, but I really think I've changed this time."

A huge part of me wants to believe him, wants to believe in him, but he's claimed to have changed before. Each time, he reverted back to his original self. Is this time any different?

"I'm glad to hear you're doing better," I finally say when the static on the line becomes overpowering. 

"You know what changed everything for me, Rach?" he asks. "I realized that I let my actions define who I was. I broke a girl's heart, so I'm a heartbreaker.  I said something mean, so now I'm cruel. I don't want to act like that anymore. I don't want to be that person anymore."

I'm shocked at how deeply his words are resonating with me. My heart is answering yes to everything he says. So many of the words spoken about me have become me--and not just Collin and Josh. My parents. Teachers. Friends. I've been chasing perfection in the eyes of others, but I've somehow lost myself in the pursuit.

"I'm deciding who I am now. I'm deciding how I'll act, how I'll treat people. I'm figuring out who I want to be and then becoming that person."

That brings me to a question to which I've always thought I had the answer: Who do I want to be?

~~~~~

First impressions of Chloe? Do you really think AJ's changed? Any suspicions on what's going to happen next?

THANK YOU to those of you who have faithfully read the story thus far.

~ Hannah