Bad things are supposed to happen in darkness.
we always associate the night with hurt, pain, death
We think of winter–the cold, washing us in darkness
Deepest death is said to come in December
but all of the bad things that have ever happened to me
they occurred in the light.
In an abandoned parking lot in August,
when we hugged goodbye and promised to stay the same

but neither of us expected anything to remain

Under a tree in March
when I realized you were the type of hypocrite
who could lie about the words "I love you"
By a creek in May
when I realized I'd been wrong all along
and my best friend betrayed me.
The sun was shining.
It was summertime. 
The sun has always tasted like death
and winter and the darkness are my consolation
- my preparation - 
for summer's twisted grief.

September 9, 2014

Twenty minutes of soul-searching and debilitating guilt later, I see Josh's familiar red pick-up pulling into the parking lot. I've managed to stop crying, and I've attempted to wipe my face clean though I'm sure I've only smeared whatever is left of the makeup I put on before Collin's and my date. Josh speeds into the parking spot next to me and jumps out, his eyes wild with concern. I stand to my feet quickly, my entire body yearning to fall into his arms. He walks over to me, his crystal eyes assessing me carefully. I'm sure he's taking in my wrinkled dress and stained face and trying to understand.

"Rach...what happened?" His voice is worried and his brows furrow in concern.

I struggle to raise my trembling chin to look into his eyes. "I...I ended things. With Collin. We fought, and...and he was mad, so he left."

"He left you here?" Josh glances around angrily. "Are you sure you're okay?" He reaches out and touches my upper arm. "Did he hurt you?"

I think back to the way he was glaring at me, his eyes ablaze, and the sound of his fist colliding with the side of his car. He didn't hurt me, but part of me wonders if he could have.

"No. I'm...I'm okay." I look down again, ashamed of how pitiful I must appear to him.

Josh's hold on my arm doesn't waiver, and when I look back up at him, the look of compassion in his eyes melts me. He pulls my arm gently towards him, and I fall into his embrace. I bury my head in his chest and find brief comfort. The feeling I get with his arms around me affirms that I made the right decision ending things with Collin even though it brought so much pain to us both. This risk is worth sacrifice.

He keeps his arm around my shoulder and ushers me to the truck, murmuring, "C'mon, let's get you home."

I slide into the passenger seat and buckle my seatbelt then wrap my arms around myself. The chill of evening has just started to set in, and my bare arms are covered in goosebumps. Without saying anything, Josh removes his jacket and offers it to me. I accept it gratefully and wrap myself up, letting it swallow me. As we drive back to school, silence falls softly in the truck. Josh in typical style says little, but it's not his words that have drawn me to him. It's everything he does--driving late at night to pick up my shattered pieces from a restaurant parking lot--that has me falling for him.

We don't speak for miles until I finally mumble, "Have you ever done something you regret? Something you wished you could undo?"

He glances at me before returning his gaze to the road. "Sure. I have a few regrets. I'm guessing you do too after tonight?" I bite my lip and nod as he continues, "Want to know my biggest regret?"

I turn so I'm facing him and examine his features carefully. His eyes are on the road but his jaw is clenched. I've never really thought of Josh as someone who has regrets. He seems so focused on the here and now that I never really thought he spent much time on the past or the future. I shouldn't be surprised that there's more to him than I thought.

"So...uh, no one really knows about this besides my family, but a few years ago, while I was in high school, Ellie was taking the bus to her elementary school every day. One day I came home and found her hiding in our treehouse in the back yard cryinng. I asked her to tell me why and she told me that she was being bullied for being overweight." His jaw tenses, and I reach out to touch his shoulder. "She wasn't overweight. She was only ten years old. So I...I started riding the bus with her and found out that two middle school boys were cornering her every day and bullying her. They said horrible stuff, stuff no one should have to hear, much less a ten year old girl. When I heard them bullying her, I got off the bus at their stop and I tore into them with every ounce of strength I had. There were three of them, so by the time I was done, we were all bloody and bruised, but at least I was still standing. The school found out about it and I almost got sent to JV. My dad's rich, so he bribeds omebody and managed to get me out of it. That's my biggest regret. I wasn't a good example to Ellie. I let my anger control me."

I say nothing for a moment but squeeze his arm. If anything, this story only amplifies my feelings for him. Though he may regret his choices, they show that he would do anything for the people he loves.

"For the record, your methods may have been wrong, but I know your heart was in the right place," I say. "It always is."

Silence follows but I can hear Josh's inaudible question: He wants to know what happened. He deserves to know.

My mouth goes dry as I try to explain everything, "I...I broke up with Collin. I broke his heart. He had feelings for me that I just couldn't return, but I didn't end things until now. I knew that I didn't want a future with him, but I just let myself get wrapped up in the novelty of it all. He made me happy, he made me feel wanted more than I ever have in my life. I just wanted an escape." I take a deep breath. "But I used him, Josh. I used him as a distraction, as a placeholder for something real. I never thought...I never thought I could or would do something like this, but I did. I consciously broke his heart. I was so, so selfish and foolish and heartless." The tears have returned, and I angrily wipe them away.

Josh looks at me thoughtfully. "Did you love him?"

"No," I answer immediately. "I didn't love him. I liked him, and maybe I could have loved him, but...but I don't."

I'm so comfortable around Josh that I almost forget who I'm talking to. Does he have any idea the role that he plays in all of this, that he is the reason I couldn't love Collin?

"Then you did the right thing, breaking up with him. I'm all for living in the moment, but not carelessly, you know? Not playing with people's hearts."

I watch Josh, surprised to hear him discussing matters of the heart. Though his gaze is on the road, I can see his emotions in the clench of his jaw, the white knuckles on the steering wheel, and the focus in his eyes.

"I...I used his heart, though. I took advantage of him."

"Rach, you made a mistake," Josh says suddenly, turning to me. "You screwed up, yeah. But I'm sure a guy like him will be fine. And you'll be stronger or more careful because of it."

"Josh, I told him he wasn't good enough for me." My voice gets so loud that I'm yelling at Josh, "What kind of person does that?"

Josh glances at me quickly, his eyes sharp. "He wasn't good enough for you, Rach. Don't let your guilt cloud your judgment. I know his type; he wouldn't have stuck by you. He could never have really loved you; he didn't even know you."

His words smite me in the chest. I can't deny what he's saying--I've always felt this emotional discord between Collin and me that I tried to ignore by drowning myself in our chemistry and attraction.

I try to protest, "I wanted perfection from him, I wanted to feel something so much bigger and better than what we had."

Josh's voice softens. "Don't give up on that, Rach. He wasn't it, he wasn't the best for you. It's out there somewhere. You'll find someone eventually."

I already have.

~~~~~

Oh, goodness. I like Josh. Any thoughts on the differences between Josh and Collin? 

Thanks for reading, commenting, and voting! I'm so excited that you've stuck with the story this long, and I promise there's lots more to come :)

~ Hannah