there's an abyss inside of me
and your name just doesn't fill it any more. 

September 9, 2014

For a moment, Josh's eyes capture mine, and I see inside of him. I expected jealousy, perhaps, or maybe confusion, but I see neither. I see pain. Raw, burning, aching, consuming pain. Though Collin's arms are wrapped around me, Josh is all I can think of.

Collin feels me tense up and holds me away from him, hands on my shoulders. "What's wrong?"

I finally break Josh's gaze and look at Collin, offering him a halfhearted smile. "Uh, nothing."

I glance back to Josh and see him approaching us, the pain in his eyes now masked. It hurts more than I'll admit that he's hiding his pain from me. It hurts even more that I am the cause of it.

I pull away from Collin a little to turn and face Josh, but Collin keeps his arm wrapped around my waist. Usually his grasp feels protective rather than constraining, but I feel trapped as the two men who have been the focal points of all my inner turmoil face each other.

Josh stands in front of us now, and Collin is watching Josh curiously. Collin knows nothing of Josh; he is just another thing I've kept secret from the person I'm supposed to be dating.

"Hey, Rach," Josh says with an attempt at a smile.

"Uh, hey, Josh. Collin, this is Josh. We're...friends." I hesitate at the word. It so weakly conveys all that we have been, but I don't know what else to say. "We've known each other since the beginning of freshman year. Josh, this is Collin, my boyfriend."

I catch my breath and look between them as they size each other up. Finally, Collin extends a hand with a fabricated smile.

"Collin Savage. Nice to meet you."

They shake hands. "Josh Hunter."

"So you two have known each other since freshman year?" Collin asks.

I can't help but wonder if he's suspicious. He's never seemed the jealous sort, but then again, he's never seen me with Josh.

"Yeah," I answer, "We did a two week backpacking trip together before we started school."

"Just the two of you?" Collin asks, eyes igniting.

"No," Josh intercedes, "It was a whole group of freshmen. A sort of teambuilding introductory thing."

Collin nods nearly imperceptibly, and I feel his grip on my waist tighten.

"Well, uh, we should be going," I finally say. "We have reservations, right?"

Collin nods, "Yep. Don't want to be late for our date. It was nice meeting you, Josh."

"Yeah, you too," Josh hesitates and glances at me. "Take good care of her. You don't find girls like her often."

The indirect praise enkindles a flame in my soul and on my face as my heart tries to escape my chest and fly to him. If only. If only he would tell me what he feels; everything could change in an instant.

Collin raises an eyebrow and holds Josh's gaze. "Rachel Evans is one of a kind. I'm lucky to have her."

I smile hesitantly. "Uh, yeah, thanks. We should go." My eyes flit to Josh, and the familiar static fills me when our eyes meet. "I'll talk to you later, Josh."

"See yah, Rach. You look really nice, by the way," he says, giving me a melancholy half smile as he turns away.

I can't help but feel as if I have already made my choice, as if I have already chosen Collin over Josh. Standing here with both of them, I can feel in my soul it was the wrong choice, but it feels too late to change my mind and go back. Too late for Josh and me.

"You ready?" Collin asks, eyes centered on me.

"Of course. I'm starving," I answer, avoiding his gaze and walking briskly towards the car.

As I round the car to the passenger door, he moves as if to open the door for me but instead pins me against the car with an arm on either side of me.

I finally look up at him and try to forget the encounter with Josh. His eyes are burning as he leans down to gently kiss my neck.

"In case I haven't told you yet, you look absolutely tantalizing in that dress." I feel his hand move to my hip, and I push him away with an embarrassed laugh, hoping Josh is far enough away that he can't see us.

"We have a dinner to get to," I say, my hand still on his chest.

Looking at him, it's easier to imagine that there is no Josh, no complication, nothing dividing my heart in half.

An hour later, we're seated in a restaurant the likes of which I have never been in before. Every table is ornately decorated with a fresh floral arrangement, candles, and a bottle of wine that probably costs more than I spend on food in a year. The table Collin reserved is in a corner with a window that looks out on this sleepy small town wtih cobblestone streets. It's far more romantic than I ever would have expected from someone like Collin, and while this should fill me with warmth, I feel only the dread of knowing that he feels more than I do.

"So," he says, his hand holding mine on the table.

"So," I say, smiling at him.

"I've decided you need to transfer to LIU and move in with me," Collin says, the grin on his face assuring me that he's joking.

"Hmm, how would your roommates feel about that?" We fall naturally into our easy repartee.

"Eh, they wouldn't mind having a hot roommate. It beats having me to look at all the time."

"I don't know, I think you're pretty hot," I say with a smirk.

"They might disagree with you about that," Collin answers with a laugh.

I realize that all that we are, all that we've ever been, is an easy rhythm. We fall into simple back and forth repartee; we speak of nothing of substance. We are immaterial but easy. Simple but unsubstantial. Is this really all I want?

The rest of the evening passes in easy conversation though turmoil is brewing under the surface. Collin seems unaware of my deep agitation and inner discord; he does not know me well enough to know that the way my eyes flit around the room and my fingers play with the hem of my dress indicates my unrest.

Eventually he steers the conversation towards our relationship though I have tactfully managed to avoid it. "So when will we see each other again?"

In my hesitation, I wonder if he can see the truth, but he forges on unaware.

"I have a game in West Virginia in a few weeks. I thought maybe you could come for the game, and we could go out afterwards. I could pick you up for Fall Break too, and we can go somewhere."

My heart is starting to hurt, to physically ache inside of me. He is planning our future, and I can barely see beyond the present. Guilt descends on me, crushing me with its weight.

"Where should we go? Florida? California? My treat."

His eyes are hopeful and lacking his typical lazy charm, and the guilt eats at me until I feel like an empty shell.

When I don't respond, he seems not to mind and waves down a waiter. "Check, please!"

I mentally berate myself. Why can't I speak up? Why am I struck numb by my own fear? I need to tell Collin the truth, I need to break through the barrier of the unsaid. Even if I never tell Josh how I feel, I can't date someone who I can't love.

We make our way outside, my stomach churning in indecision. I know in my soul that I need to end this. I need to end the first real relationship I've ever been in because I'm in love with someone else, someone who has no idea how I feel. I'm ending something good for the potential of something great. When we get to his car, I pause in front of the passenger door in indecision. Finally, I turn to him, opening my mouth to speak.

I am silenced by his mouth on me, crushing me into silence. I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't, but I kiss him back. This is our last kiss; I can feel it in the way my mouth hungrily seeks his. I will never feel this again, so I need to savor, to remember.

His hands slide around my waist and mine around his neck until we feel as one. When he releases me for a moment so we can catch our breath, I lower my hand to his chest and push him away.

"What's wrong?" he asks, the lazy smile on his face indicating his total confidence.

"Collin, I can't do this."

~~~~~

Drama, drama, everywhere! Since the story hit 2k views, I'll be releasing two chapters today instead of one, so I won't leave you hanging.

Thoughts? Reactions? Who would you choose?

~Hannah