If I graphed our story
I'd want it to be a helix
in which you'd finally
come back to me

but no.
we were intersecting lines
and now all we do
is travel farther
and farther
and farther
away from each other
never to cross again.

September 8, 2014

I linger outside of the cafeteria, wrapping my thin cardigan closer around me to ward off the light winds that hint of fall. Jordan is away for the weekend in the mountains tracking some sort of reptile with her advisor, Snotty Rodney, and a few fellow students; she's pretty bummed she's not going to be able to meet Collin when he visits tomorrow. In the mean time, I'm having dinner with Josh. We haven't really spoken since he found out about Collin.

I hate the conflcit raging inside of me. I love Josh; I like Collin. Is it wrong to destroy the good thing I have with Collin for the possibility of an ever greater thing with Josh? Is it right to keep dating Collin when I don't love him? Maybe I could, if Josh weren't here. But he is. He's here and when I'm around him, everything else disappears into faded shadows.

And Collin. I thought I could date him casually, enjoy our summer fling, and let go when the time came. Now, however, as I face the realization that perhaps I should break up with him, I don't want to let go. I am selfish for wanting them both. I can acknowledge my greed, but I'm afraid to make a choice between them because I'm afraid it'll be the wrong one. What if I make a mistake? What if I break up with Collin when we're meant to fall in love? What if the excitement I feel with him is love or the beginnings of it? Or what if I stay with Collin and destroy my chances with Josh?

Maybe there's no right answer. Maybe this isn't a black and white choice. However, if I continue dating Collin, will I only hurt him more by pretending that I could feel something for him that I already feel for someone else?

I'm so caught up in my own thoughts and watching the wispy clouds draw spirals in the sky above me that I don't see Josh approaching me until he's only a few feet away.

"Hey, Rach," he says and meets my eyes for the first time since he found out about Collin; they scream with turmoil. "I know that look. What are you thinking about?"

He always knows when I'm caught up in thought, but today I can't tell him the truth. I shake my head and try to smile.

"Nothing. Ready for dinner?"

We fill our trays with the delicacies the cafeteria has to offer and find our seats. I inhale deeply, working up my courage.

  "So...I wanted to apologize," I say, my face already warming.  

He looks up at me, his eyes cooling to grayish sapphire. "For what?"

"I should have told you I was dating Collin. I...I don't know why I didn't, but I'm sorry."

I don't know why I feel the need to apologize, but I saw the look on his face. He shouldn't have found out that way. Deafening silence falls, filled with all of the words neither of us have said. I wonder if he can hear the unsaid words lingering between us.

"It's okay, Rach. I'm sorry I wasn't more excited for you. It's just..." Josh hesitates and our eyes lock. "Is he...does he make you happy?"

I pause and catch my breath. Does Collin make me happy? I am happy with him. It's the not the same kind of happiness that I feel with Josh, but I'm happy nonetheless.

"Yeah. Yeah, he does."

Josh nods and looks away for a moment, clearing his throat. "And does he...is he good to you? Is he a decent guy?"

I look up at Josh and smile. Though he's uncomfortable, I can tell he cares about me. For a moment, it doesn't matter how he cares, just that he does.

"He's not...he's a lot different from me, but he treats me right. He's upfront and he knows what he wants."

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, my face flames red. Josh flinches as if he's been slapped, and I wonder if he caught the implications of my words. If he feels something, why hasn't he told me? If he did, would everything change?

"I'm happy you're happy," he finally says, evading my gaze for a moment, "you deserve the best, Rach. I hope he's it for you."

I smile back at him halfheartedly. Who have we become, two people with something between us, wondering "what if" but too afraid to make the possibilities reality? How different things could be if Josh had liked me before meeting Haley. How different things could be if I had just told him how I felt. Do the what-ifs even matter any more?

The unspoken words swell between us, and part of me wants to finally say them, to free them from their prison. But I am not brave. I have never been brave.

"So," Josh finally says, clearing his throat, "how's your grandfather?"

My heart floods with appreciation for Josh's compassion and the awkwardness is instantly dispelled. "He's...he's not good, Josh. Over the summer, we had a pretty bad scare and he had to be hospitalized. He's convinced everything's going to be okay, that he's going to get better, but..." I catch my breath at the emotion in my voice, "but it's only going to get worse."

I avoid Josh's benevolent gaze as he squeezes my hand gently. He doesn't say anything, and I'm grateful. Though I often manage to stifle my sorrow about Gramps, talking about my worries with someone outside of the family breaks open the well of emotion.

When I finally meet Josh's gaze again, he smiles gently at me and murmurs in a low voice, "I'm here for you, Rach."

September 9, 2014

I stand in front of my full length mirror, wishing Jordan were here to give me a boost of confidence or tell me my butt looks fat in this dress. Collin's going to be here in just a few minutes, and nerves are rushing through me. He's taking me out to a fancy dinner, and I've never gone out on a date like this, where we dress up and eat a three course meal and put our napkins on our laps. I'm wearing the only fancy dress I own; it's black with a V in the back and a Sweetheart neck. The dress gathers at the waist and then descends to just above my knees in an A-line skirt. I partially chose this dress because I look great in it and partially because it's made of stretchy material so I can eat a lot without looking like I've eaten a lot.

I pull on a pair of low heels and grab my phone and wallet. My heart is pounding in my chest, and I try to attribute the compulsions to excitement and not anxiety. I've managed to convince myself to enjoy tonight and focus on the present. Tomorrow, before he leaves to go back to Brooklyn, I'll decide what to do.

Collin calls to let me know that he's parking at the gym, and I race towards it as fast as I can in heels. When I see him getting out of his blue sports car, the nerves dissipate and the exhilaration I always feel around him returns.When he sees me, a wide grin breaks out on his disgustingly handsome face. 

"Rachel Evans," he calls to me, "I've missed you."

I sprint the last few yards between us and launch myself into his arms with a squeal. He picks me up off the ground high enough that I'm concerned about the modesty of my skirt, and I wrap my arms around his neck. Seconds later, we're kissing and I instantly remember why I liked him in the first place. He is insistent, forthright, consuming. When he finally sets me down and we break our kiss, my face is flushed, and I'm grinning.

"Hey, stranger," I finally say, taking in the sharpness of his features, the glint of his hazel eyes.

Despite driving six hours in his car, his suit is immaculately pressed and it fits him perfectly, showing off his tall, lean physique. His dirty blonde hair is swept away from his sharp features and crystalline eyes.

"I've really missed you," he says, drawing out the words slowly and pulling me against him, his arms wrapped possessively around my waist.

As I hug him, I look behind him to see the lacrosse team exiting the gym. At the very front of the pack is Josh in his lacrosse uniform, standing and watching us.

He saw everything.

~~~~~

Eeeek! This chapter! I promised that Collin and Josh would meet, and it's coming soon. But first, what do you think Rachel's going to do? Break up with Collin? Let go of Josh? What do you think she should do?

Thanks so much for reading! When The Definition of Time reaches 2k views, I'll release two chapters early!

You're all fantastic.

~Hannah