faces
a million faces
worn out by identifying themselves by their perfection
faces known by what they choose to share with the world
thoughts lingered through a graveyard of broken dreams
each fighting their own battle
two fingers producing a certain appeal
a sip, a smoke, a sniff to forget the past
maybe the slice of a razor can take away the pain
the child whose life they ended early
the relationship that left bruises on body and heart
worn faces stepping onto the battlefield
to fight another day
where we all pretend to be on the same side
although each of us fights alone

August 20, 2014

Emmalee and her color-coordinated office supplies have been hired to map out my life. Three days ago, I first asked her to help me figure out my road to graduation; since then, she has managed to create a full outline of my next five years.

We sit at a Starbucks on the day before I head back to school and she pulls out my degree chart. "If you take a May-term class and an online course next summer, you can finish this year at Regent, come home for the fall 2015 semester for your internship, and graduate in December."

"December?" I sputter, "As in, a year and a half from now? I'll be done with Regent in the spring?"

"I mean, you don't have to follow my advice, but you'd save a ton of money and time. And based on my projections for journalism career, you'll need that money for grad school."

I have one year left. One more year at Regent. One more year with Jordan and...Josh. Maybe I shouldn't be thinking of him, given that I have a boyfriend and all, but the thought of only one more year with him forces a tremor through my whole body. I shake myself alert.

"Right. Uh, thanks, Emmalee. Seriously, all of this is amazing. If teaching doesn't work out, you could definitely have a career in professional life planning," I grin at her and she realigns her highlighters.

"Teaching will work out," she answers with a sunny smile, "Obviously."

Emmalee is possibly the most tenacious, driven person I have ever met.

"So I have one year left," I mumble to myself.

One more year with Josh.

~~~~~

As I throw my belongings into bags and suitcases the night before returning to Regent, I feel as if I am preparing for a test. The test of seeing Josh again. Facing my last year at college. Dating Collin long-distance. Dating Collin while being around Josh.

I'm terrified that as soon as I see Josh again, Collin will vanish from my mind. I thought that this summer with Collin would have lessened Josh's hold on me, but the more I  think about Josh, the less certain I am.

My phone vibrates from my bed and I jump for it, tripping over a suitcase and falling onto the bed.

"Hello?" I answer, struggling to find my footing again in the mess of my room.

"Hey, Rachel Evans."

Collin. His voice is gravely over the phone, and I feel a pull towards him that the distance has only amplified.

"How's my favorite soccer superstar?" I ask.

Realistically, I know almost nothing about soccer. I played in elementary school, but I was so terrible that none of my teammates would kick me the ball. Eventually, I grew so tired of running up and down the field and never getting to play that I sat down in the middle of the field, wove dandelion crowns for my hair, and daydreamed.

"Tired. Sore. We ran miles of drills this afternoon," he sighs into the phone. "Are you ready for school?"

I know the question is merely small talk, but it draws me into thought. Am I? Am I ready to face Josh? Am I ready to see if Collin and I are meant to last beyond a summer fling?

He laughs lowly. "I'll take that as a no."

"How soon are you coming to visit again?" I ask teasingly.

"Just a little over two weeks."

"So soon?" I answer, my voice ripe with enthusiasm.

His voice drops an octave. "It's not soon enough."

"I know," I answer and silence falls, "So are you guys going out tonight?"

It may be 10:00 P.M. on a Friday night, aka my bed time, but Collin and his team go out almost every weekend. I usually don't ask too many details about those nights, but I've seen enough drunken snapchats of strobe lights, scantily clad individuals, and tequila shots to get the idea.

"Yeah, in a few minutes. I'm just laying in bed right now. I wish you were here."

My skin prickles at the very idea, and my imagination conjures the feeling of his arms around me. "Me too."

I hear someone in the background yelling, "Collin! These shots aren't gonna drink themselves. Get off the phone already!"

There is jeering laughter in the background as Collin yells back, "just a second!"

Someone hollers, "whipped!"

Collin returns to the phone. "I guess that's my cue. Sorry I can't talk more. I wish you were coming with me."

I laugh and try to lighten the heaviness of his voice, "I'm pretty sure I'm about the worst person you could take to a club."

"True. I'd probably have to take you to a library instead," he teases.

"Night, Collin."

"Good night, Rachel Evans."

August 21, 2014

After far too many hours in the car, I've convinced myself that Carrie Underwood is definitely going to hire me as a back up singer. I have been belting admittedly out of tune country girl-power anthems in an attempt to abolish my nerves and replace them with confidence. It's funny, around Collin I have total confidence which is kind of a new thing for me in the arena of relationships. With Josh, however, I feel timid and hesitant. I'm afraid of losing him. Maybe I'm not afraid of losing Collin.

Now I'm going back to Regent to see Josh for the first time since our summer apart. How much has changed? Has he recovered from Haley? Have I recovered from him?

My phone buzzes in the cupholder, and I answer, "Howdy!"

Jordan guffaws on the other end of the line. "Did you just say howdy? Are you listening to country again?"

"Oh, lay off. Carrie Underwood transcends the musical genre. What's up?"

"Are you almost here yet? I've spent the past two weeks with squealing freshies and pungent athletes."

Jordan came back to school early to work as a TA with one of her professors and has been very impatiently awaiting my return. Josh, as well, came early for lacrosse preseason. 

"I can see the Regent sign." I say, turning towards the handsome stone buildings and green campus. "I'll be there in five."

When I pull into the parking lot next to our towering dormitory, I laugh in delight when I see Jordan and Josh waiting for me.  Jordan is waving a sign that reads 'I only like you and amphibians' and includes some tasteful though unrecognizable stick figure drawings.

I slam my car into park and leap out of the car, tackling Jordan with all the force I can muster and unfortunately wrinkling her carefully made sign.

"Holy crap, I've missed you," Jordan says, "and I'm not just saying that because I'm teamed up with Snotty Rodney in the lab."

I laugh, "I've missed you too, lizard witch."

When I turn to Josh, his smile erases everything that has happened in the past few months. For a moment, I breathe in the sight of him; it's as if my lungs are full for the first time since we parted. He looks much the same, but he's grown a short layer of stubble across his jaw that suits him perfectly and he seems broader, stronger than I remembered. Seeing him again is like having a pencil drawing brought to life or color breathed into a black and white photo.

As our eyes meet, I remember how it feels to be us. He wraps me up in a tight hug, and my skin sparks with electricity. If Collin is thrill and exhalaration, Josh is comfort and belonging. Heat radiates through me, and I cleave to him as an island in the sea.

"I've missed you, Rach," he whispers in my ear.

"I've missed you too, Josh."

I cling to him, praying that if I imprint him in my skin and soul, perhaps he will stay with me forever. I thought absence would weaken us, but perhaps whatever we have is meant to endure through time, distance, adversity. Perhaps nothing can ever change us.

~~~~~

Woohoo! I'm so glad Josh is back. So any guesses on what happens next? Let me give you a hint: lots and lots of drama. Who are you voting for? Josh or Collin?

Stay tuned for the exciting days to come. I can't resist...I'll give you another hint. In not too many chapters, Josh and Collin meet. Keep reading to see what happens!

As always, thanks for reading, voting, and commenting. <3

~ Hannah