remembering hurts,
so distract me.
don't try to love me
don't try to romance me
just be my diversion
from this weary, weary world

July 31, 2014

"Two funnel cakes, please," Collin requests, passing the vendor a five dollar bill.

His arm wraps firmly around my waist, keeping me close to him. We've been hanging out, talking, dating, whatever you want to call it for a month now, and he fills me with constant exhilaration. He is a thrilling adventure, a chance to escape everything and experience life differently than I ever have.

Collin is nothing like any other guy I've liked. He's nothing like Josh. Though he treats me well, his heart is not kind. Though he's respectful, he lives a wild, thoughtless existence. Though he is open, he is not caught up in emotion and feeling. He goes after what he wants, and usually he gets it.

I like him, but I don't love him; I'm finding that is so much easier than truly caring about someone. There is no heartache. There is no soul-crushing worry. There is only vivacious furor, heart-pounding, chest-breaking thrill.

"Ready to eat?" Collin's voice breaks through my thoughts, and I grin up at him.

"Always."

Josh would have asked you what you were thinking. As I have been doing for the last two months, I dismiss thoughts of Josh.

We find a bench and I curl up on it next to him, my head resting on his shoulder as I inhale the delicious fried dough as quickly as possible. One of Collin's hands is draped across my leg, pulling me against him.

"What is this," he asks, "our fifth date?"

I nod, licking off a finger covered in powdered sugar. "People are gonna start thinking you like me or something."

He looks at me, grinning wickedly. "What, have I been that subtle?"

I snort, "You're about as subtle as a steam engine."

"Good," he whispers, his voice earthy. He leans closer to me and whispers, "I just wanted to make sure you know exactly how I feel."

My funnel cake is forgotten as he kisses me in the middle of the county fair, his hand resting on the back of my neck. I'm lost in the urgency of his kiss and have to pull away for a breath.

"I don't think you'd let me forget," I answer.

I try to ignore his use of the word feel. I'm afraid to consider the possibility that Collin actually likes me as more than a summer fling. This can't be anything more than it is now: casual, simple, easy.

Silence falls and I nestle closer against him, his arm now wrapped around my waist.

Finally, he says, "I have to leave for preseason in two weeks."

I break away from him and sit up straight, refusing to meet his eyes. I've been ignoring the future, denying its existence, and he is the last person I would have expected to bring it crashing down on me again.

"I don't want to talk about it."

He laughs and his rough palm catches my chin. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you might miss me when I leave."

Of course I will. The force of the thought surprises me--though I haven't been planning a future for the two of us, I don't want this to end. Especially not in two weeks.

I don't say anything, and he watches me intently, his gaze penetrating and ravenous.

"Things aren't just going to end when I leave," he finally says, and I turn to look at him.

"Are you sure?" I ask both him and myself.

"Yep. You can't get rid of me that easily. Maybe I'll visit you in a month or two. You could come to one of my games when I'm playing in Virginia. We'll be fine."

I sigh and wrap my arms around his solid torso, head against his chest, "I don't want to think about the future right now."

It's more that I'm afraid to think of the future. I don't want to lose Collin, but I'm also afraid of holding on to him.

"Well, then let's not think about it."

Collin beckons to the towering Ferris Wheel, carts glowing with plastic lights against the black summer sky.

"No way. Did you know that they can pack that entire contraption into the back of a tiny truck? How safe can it be?"

His voice is throaty and coarse as he answers, "When have I ever been safe?"

I grin and rest my hand against the sharp line of his jaw. "Nothing about you is safe."

I lean against him and kiss him. I have transformed from awkward to confident, from cowardly to brave, and I have Collin to thank for that.

His arms are entrapping me when I finally push him away from me. "I thought we were getting on the Ferris Wheel?"

Collin jumps to his feet and laughs, intertwining his fingers with mine and pulling me behind him towards the Ferris Wheel line. A few moments later, we climb into a small double seat and are strapped in. The entire contraption feels rather precarious; we are going to be twirled through the sky with only a thin metal bar keeping us from plummeting to our deaths.

Collin's arm is wrapped around my shoulders, and I lean closer to him and whisper, "Did I mention I'm scared of heights?"

He laughs a little. "You, Rachel Evans, are so different from any of my previous girlfriends."

Girlfriend. The word strikes a false note, and I twitch, hoping he doesn't noticed.

"Why?" I ask, "what were they like?"

He laughs. "They were a lot like me."

"Hot mathematicians?" I tease.

He laughs. "Not exactly. I've never dated anyone who actually knew me, who actually cared about me. They just used me, screwed me over, and left."

For the first time since I've known him, his gaze darkens and I think I glimpse real emotion.

"What happened?"

He clenches his jaw and looks away from me. "I dated a girl for a year and a half. She was always a little reckless, but I thought that was what made us good for each other. Then I found out she was screwing my roommate."

My eyebrows shoot up, and I watch the swirling colors in his eyes intently.

"I'm so sorry."

He smiles at me, the clouds in his gaze gone, "It's fine. I'm just glad you're nothing like her."

A tremor of premonition engulfs me, and I silently hope that his depiction of me is accurate.

"So why me? Just because I'm different?"

This is the question I've been asking myself since he starting show interest in me: Why me?

"Well, you're smart, funny, and very cute." He leans closer to me. "And you are completely unlike anyone I've ever met."

One arm on either side of me, he leans against me, catching my mouth with his. In the moments that follow, I am left with no doubt of his regard for me. He kisses me insistently, consumingly, urgently, as if time is limited. Perhaps it is, at least for us.

As the ferris wheel spins, my arms wrap around his neck of their own free will and his rest against the small of my back, pulling me closer to him. I relax into what I can feel and sense in this moment...the tension of his arms, the taste of his kiss, the fire in his hazel eyes.

When the Ferris Wheel grinds to a halt, we finally break apart. We untangle ourselves and disembark, wandering through the fair aimlessly. I feel lost in a haze of elation. I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket and reach for it.

Collin notices, his hand sliding around my hip as he whispers in my ear, "Want me to get that?"

I laugh and pull the phone out, glancing at the screen quickly.

Four Missed Calls from Mom
Two New Voicemail from Mom

"Crap," I murmur under my breath.

I pull up the voicemail and press the phone to my ear, my heart already stammering wildly off beat.

"Rach, it's your grandfather. Get to the hospital as soon as you can."

Mom's voice is quivering and frail; I can hear her fear. Gramps.

"Collin, I gotta go," I finally say, my voice sharp.

He looks at me questioningly. "What's going on?"

"I just have to go."

I rush to where I parked in the grass lot at the back of the fairgrounds and leap into the driver's seat, my keys instantly in the ignition.

Collin sprints behind me to the door, awaiting an explanation that I cannot give him. We are simple. We are easy. He doesn't know my grandfather is dying of cancer. He doesn't know me.

I drive away, leaving Collin in the dust.

~~~~~

So things with Collin and Rachel heated up quickly! Rachel seems really confused about her feelings. Do you think she actually likes him? Do you think he actually likes her? And what the heck will happen when she goes back to school (aka Josh)?

Also, Gramps! I love him so much. Do you think he'll be alright?

Any predictions on what's coming next?

~ Hannah