i can sense the broken
their eyes are fractured in the light
and shadows rest within them
they don't laugh at sorrow
like those who have never lived it
the sad sturdy step
of he who has learned to walk in darkness
i want to ask the fellow broken,
"who did this to you?"
and the whispered names
would become a melancholy symphony.  

April 31, 2014

"I got it!" 

I can hear Jordan's screech the moment she starts thundering down our hallway at 11:43 P.M. I abandon my half-finished bag of popcorn and the five Facebook tabs pulled up on my browser and race to the hallway.

She's waving her iPad in the air, wearing only a pair of gym shorts and a stained tank top, "I got it! I freaking got it!"

We collide and I shake her, "The internship? The internship?"

"Yes," she exclaims, "What else?"

"Well, I was hoping you didn't get syphilis." She rolls her eyes at me. "Seriously, though, Jord, that's incredible!" I hug her quickly and then pull her behind me to our floor's kitchen, "this calls for ice cream. I've been saving this half gallon of Moose Tracks to celebrate you getting accepted. I knew you would."

Jordan's eyes light up, and a few minutes later, our spoons are plunged into a delicious half-gallon of Breyer's. She's telling me about how the director of the internship was impressed by her independent study of Scheltopusiks (legless lizards, from what I can gather). She'll leave in a month when finals are done and work side by side with some of the leading herpetologists in the entire world. Apparently spending a summer hanging out with lizards is a dream come true rather than a nightmare for some people. 

"What did I tell you? You're a genius lizard magician," I praise her while swallowing another heaping spoonful of ice cream. 

"Thanks, Rach. Guess I gotta tell my parents now," she murmurs.

"I guess so," I say, "But it's your call. This is a great opportunity regardless of what's going on with your parents. And now you don't have to go home for the summer."

"Yeah," she answers unconvincingly, eyes cast down.

I touch her shoulder, unsure of how to comfort her in this moment that should bring elation but is instead provoking sorrow. Why is it that everything good is tainted by pain?

May 2, 2014

"Chicken nuggets. Again." I complain under my breath.

Our horrendous cafeteria has served chicken nuggets and tater tots for about two weeks straight, and while I never thought I would complain about eating too much fried food, I could live the rest of my life without eating another deep-fried chicken nugget.

I put a handful of them on my plate--they're still a better alternative than spinach salad--and take my tray and glass of lemonade towards the caf seating. I set myself up in a booth, planning to read my World Lit textbook as a distraction from the chicken nuggets. I pull out my matching highlighter set and cross my legs, contemplating how socially unacceptable it would be to bring a Snuggie to the cafeteria. Time to read some Homer. 

I'm so engrossed in The Iliad that I don't notice Josh approaching until he plops his tray onto the table, "Hey, Rach. Can I join you?"

I look up in surprise, pulling the highlighter from the corner of my mouth and hoping I haven't stained half of my face neon pink, "Oh, hey, Josh."

He sits across from me, and I push my textbook and notes out of the way. I take him in with a smile. I've missed him. I always miss him, even if only a few days pass. Today, however, he looks different. 

"No offense, but you don't look so good," I comment.

His eyes are shrunken, blood shot and shrouded by dark bags. His hair is unkempt and he's wearing a stained hoodie and sweatpants. He's even grown a layer of stubble across his jaw, and while I can't help but notice that it makes him look even more ruggedly attractive than usual, I can read exhaustion in his face.

"Classes tough?" I guess.

"Classes?" He answers, looking up questioningly, "Um, I haven't really been working on those much recently."

I tilt my head in surprise--he isn't the most studious person I know, but he's not neglectful. 

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm fine." His voice is grumpy and gravely in his throat.

I glance at his plate and see only a chocolate chip cookie and a cup of steaming coffee, "What the heck are you eating? Is that all you're having for dinner?"

He runs a hand through his unkempt hair and sighs, "I'm not hungry, Rach, just lay off."

My eyebrows shoot up--Josh has never snapped at me, and I've deserved it far more in the past than I do right now.

I reach out and touch his arm, "Seriously, Josh, what's going on? I know you. I know something's wrong." My thoughts race through several possible explanations for his uncharacteristic behavior and suddenly I seize his arm fervently, "Is it Ellie? Is Ellie okay?"

"Ellie's fine," he answers, avoiding my gaze. "It's Haley. We broke up."

I feel myself fall back into the booth and I release his arm. I am swallowed in my own thoughts and can't respond for a moment. Hope and sympathy clash in me and I have to push the hope to the side. I can't pretend to be upset she broke up with him--she was a cyclone of destruction. I know she cheated on him. I know she stumbled into his dorm room drunk and high on a regular basis. But then again, AJ has done all of those things, and I still care about him. Sometimes you love people in spite of what they do.

I take his hand again, my eyes fastening on him. His gaze is downcast and he clears his throat. 

"Josh. I'm so, so sorry." He doesn't say anything and I continue, "You must have really cared about her."

Silence swells between us--he doesn't refute or agree with my statement, but I know the truth. He cared about her. 

He draws in a deep breath, "I told her I loved her. I told her I loved her, and she dumped me."

A moment passes and I feel the emotions screaming in my ears. He loved her. He loved her. My sympathy for him is now challenged by my own pain--I hurt for him, but I also hurt for myself. He loves her, I love him. She broke his heart and he broke mine.

In the silence that follows, I try to understand how Haley could have done this to him. It makes no sense to me. She'd earned the love of one of the kindest, best people I know, and she'd trampled it into the ground. 

We sit like that for a while, me holding his hand and him surviving. That's all he can do right now--survive. He's shut himself down so he doesn't have to feel anything. He loved her. She broke him. I am picking up the pieces.

After a while, we silently drop off our trays and leave the cafeteria, walking outside. When we exit the building, the fresh air frees me and I feel as if I can breathe again. I try not to let all of this affect me, I try to see him as just another heartbroken friend, but I can't. He's not just anybody--he's Josh, and he's hurting .

As he turns to go back to his dorm, I catch his arm, "Josh?"

"What?"

"Promise me you'll eat something a little more substantial than a cookie."

He gives me a half smile, but the corners of his eyes don't crinkle, "Fine."

"And when was the last time you slept? Last month?"

"Maybe." His contorted smile breaks my heart.

I snort a laugh, "So get some sleep."

He nods dismally, and I pull him towards me into a hug. I feel the muscles in his shoulders relax in my embrace, and he sighs against me, sending the hairs at the nape of my neck fluttering. It's heartbreaking to feel someone as strong as Josh melting in my arms.

I release him, and he looks at me fully for the first time. He lets me see the emotion that is a swirling tornado brewing in his eyes.

"Thank you, Rach."

"Anytime. Just so you know, Haley just made one of the biggest mistakes of her life, even if she doesn't realize it yet."

~~~~~

Oh my goodness, the drama! Is anyone else excited that Haley and Josh broke up? It sucks that he cared so much about her, however. What happens next? Do you think Josh will *finally* ask Rachel out? Give me your best guess! 

~ Hannah