not me almost forgetting
to update hehe
happy monday!

—

We weren't speaking. He sat beside me on the bench and we both stared out onto Erick's snow-covered lawn. I kept watching the clouds our breaths would make intermingling, disappearing into the air together as one.

There was nothing to say. We both knew what we needed from each other which neither could provide. I wanted to keep him safe from the demons I hid beneath my skin and he wanted to face them head on with his sword drawn. He wanted me, fully and completely, and I was hardly my own to give.

"I have so much to say but none of it makes sense," Dallas said. "You . . ."

He didn't finish whatever thought he began. I didn't blame him. "I'm sorry," was all I could say, though I didn't know what for. Dallas just let out a deep breath, the translucent white puff tumbling past his lips like an avalanche. I craved his arms around me, shielding me from the cold, as I shivered into the night.

"I have something for you." I glanced over and he was reaching into his jeans pocket. "I don't know if it's appropriate to give you a Christmas present considering the circumstances, but . . . I saw it and thought of you."

Dallas handed over a small gift wrapped box. I took it between my fingers, turning it hesitantly. Did he expect me to open it right now? One look at his face, his beautiful face, and I figured he did. My fingers trembled, frozen and rigid, as I tore the paper off strip by strip. Inside the box, on top of some faux velvet padding, was a silver chain with a single pendant, silver with blue and gold accents flecked in. It was in the shape of ocean waves, three curvy consecutive crests. I stared at it with a mix of confusion and indifference.

"That isn't saying much because everything makes me think of you," Dallas said, clearly frustrated by the idea. "I got that for you back in Florida. It's from some company that supposedly uses its proceeds for cleaning up the ocean, but honestly, it was probably a scam—"

"Why would you give me this?" I asked.

He looked down at the necklace and then back up to my face. "Well, I . . . I don't know. It was just sitting in my dresser drawer and I . . . I couldn't get rid of it," he said, his voice low. I sighed. "Shelby didn't go home because she was sick. I— I got into it with her when I saw her talking to you."

"That's all the more reason not to give me a fucking present, Dallas," I snapped, closing the box and setting it between us on the bench. "All she said was she didn't care about our past and that there were no hard feelings. Can you say the same?"

"Can you?"

I clamped my mouth shut. He sighed and faced forward once again. I was shivering profusely since I hadn't grabbed a jacket on my way out, but I couldn't bring myself to go inside. Dallas was cold, too, and it would be so easy to just scoot over and share body heat. Easy, but stupid. I was getting used to making stupid decisions with him.

"The ball's been in your court, Thomas," he said after a silent few minutes. Or maybe it was only a few seconds. "I've been yours since that summer. I've wanted you since that summer. Say the word and I'll make it happen."

I looked over at him and his big blue eyes looked navy in the moonlight. The sight of his face was enough to cause an earthquake under our feet. My heart trembled. "You know I can't."

"Why?" he asked, standing up from the bench and running his fingers through his hair, pushing it back from his forehead. "Do you just not want to be with me? Or you're just too worried about my career to face the fact that I love you? Make it make sense."

I stood up and stepped right up to him, my body feeling like half his size in the cold, as if I were a curled up outdoor cat. "You don't love me, Dallas. You barely know me. Jesus Christ, we fucked one time after two years and—"

"For fucks sake, Thomas, you said you loved me too." Right. I did say that.

I shook my head. "Well, I was drunk."

He laughed. It was a brisk, humorless laugh that cut me to the bone. One that reminded me of all those summer nights spent denying my crush on him and the feeling of the first time he kissed me and the pit in my stomach that grew larger with every step he took walking away from me in the airport. It was like a brutal replay of every single second I spent falling in love with the man before me, playing on a projector across the freckles on his nose.

I stared at him, my chest rising and falling, and before I knew it I was pressed against his body in a desperate embrace. I buried my face in his neck, the sought out warmth of his arms around me feeling like home.

"Will you stay here with me tonight?" Dallas asked into my hair.

The smell of him was intoxicating, that leathery smell that would forever give me a nostalgic feeling reducing my senses to only smell and sound. I pulled away, looking up at his face. I searched for some reason to say no, but as it turned out, there was nothing to see besides the look in his eyes.

I gripped his shirt, glancing away. "I don't know if that's a good idea."

"I don't want to have sex with you," he said, catching my attention once more. "I just want you with me."

He pleaded with his eyes, begged me with his lips, shook me with every exhale. I only nodded, unsure of why I kept doing this to myself. Dallas smiled, pulling me close once more, and I felt him bury his nose in my hair. I decided to take advantage of this moment and his touch. I nestled into his body, sharing my scent to linger along with his, to breathe in the smell of his cologne that I thought I'd forget after all this time. I never would.

We headed back inside and my body practically melted in the heat. Dallas and I parted ways to take our own respective moments to think about things. I didn't know when exactly everyone would go home, but it was just down to Carlos, Caitlyn, Ben, and Joey.

Ugh, Joey.

I'd have to let him down again. I didn't really care about his feelings, but it was twice in a row for the same guy. When I told him I wouldn't be going home with him, he just rolled his eyes and said goodbye to Erick before leaving altogether. I almost laughed.

I headed into the dining room to help Phoebe start putting some of the food away and clean up the mess. She eyed me curiously, probably trying to determine if the conversation I just had with her brother was good or bad. I didn't say a word, only scooped dips into Tupperware and let her decide on her own.

Erick, however, was more vocal about his inquiries when he joined us. "Caitlyn's taking Carlos home," he said, then turned to me. "What's going on, brother?"

I just offered a sheepish smile.

"Did you guys talk?" Phoebe finally asked.

"I think we will," I said, peering over my shoulder at Dallas in the living room, typing something on his phone. "He asked me to stay here with him."

She frowned. "Oh."

Erick crossed his arms over his chest and gave me a stern dad look. "I'm not okay of this whole cheating-on-his-girlfriend thing," he said. I grimaced at the wording. "But I'm more surprised you are."

"I'm not 'okay' with it, either," I sighed.

What was I supposed to do? Everything I did was wrong to somebody. I reunite and have sex with him, it's a problem. I set boundaries and try to cut Dallas off, it's a problem. There was nothing I could do in this situation where anybody wins. I wasn't going to beg on my knees for him to break up with his girlfriend and be with me. But I also wasn't going to turn down spending time with the man that haunted my dreams for the past two years.

One thing was certain. The timing may never be right for the two of us. I wasn't sure if that was an omen or just bad luck.

"This is the last time. I think we need some sort of . . . closure." I thought back to what my mom said.

Phoebe and Erick exchanged a look, one that I would never be able to decipher. It was a look of years of love and trust between the two of them only. Their own secret language created by the beat of their hearts and the flick of their tongues. It was something I may never understand.

But maybe I wanted to.

Maybe I wanted to have my own language with Dallas, spoken by the meeting of our eyes or the touch of our hands. I craved the unity that my best friend found with the love of his life. The love I'd never received but knew, deep deep down, I deserved. I wanted it, too. But at what cost?

I looked back at Dallas again. He was looking at me this time. He didn't smile, only shifted his eyebrows in a hopeful manner. I just pressed my lips into a thin, indecisive line, making him nod his head.

And that's when I realized we already had our own language, too.