Aubrey made me a picture.

It was precious, aside from the fact that she depicted Dallas and I as a couple, holding hands with love hearts over our heads. Phoebe and I tried to explain to her that what she saw that summer wasn't forever. We liked each other then, but not anymore.

Dumbing it down almost made it make sense for me, too.

I just folded it nicely and put it in my pocket so no one else would see. Mom made a bunch of food to take some of the load off of Phoebe and Ebony's cooking. I was heating some of the casserole dishes in the oven and preparing some of the snacks to help out.

Erick slid next to me at the counter, popping a chip into his mouth unhelpfully. "Joey's coming," he said, wiggling his eyebrows. "Figured you might want some company that isn't in the shape of a pudding shot."

"That's fair," I said, rolling my eyes.

"So you guys used to hook up?" Phoebe asked.

"A while ago. It was a very short fling after . . . you know who. He's cute and all, just kinda boring," I said, shrugging. I dumped a bag of tortilla chips in a matching star shaped bowl to the other ones. "I wouldn't mind some Christmas ween."

"Did I just hear Christmas ween?" Carlos shouted from the living room.

Phoebe laughed loudly. It was just the few of us here early to set up. Chris and Ebony would arrive any minute and everyone else was invited to show up in about an hour and a half. Carlos had broken up with Jasmine, unsurprisingly to anyone, so he was riding solo as well. He had tried, and failed, at flirting with the lesbian girl from Friendsgiving.

"Do you think Dallas will marry Shelby?" I asked out loud, the words tumbling out before I even thought them. My eyes shot up to Erick, who was staring at me with his lips pressed into a tight line. Phoebe was avoiding looking at me at all. So I just kept talking. "They would make the perfect bride and groom . . ."

Erick picked at another chip. "I can't answer that."'

I nodded. "I know. Sorry."

"Don't be," Phoebe said from the stove. "I think he's dealing with a lot. Last I heard, he asked for a current picture of Aubrey to bring to Dad. And I guess he's changing his mind about what he wants to do with his law degree? We didn't talk much about it but it seems like he's in crisis mode since he saw you."

Fuck.

"That's exactly what I didn't want to happen," I said, burying my face in my hands.

Erick shook his head. "Maybe it has nothing to do with you or your little gay ass?"

"My little gay ass sent him spiraling," I deadpanned.

Phoebe giggled at that, even though it wasn't funny. The whole point of me cutting things off with him was to keep his life as on track and normal as possible. His law degree, that he was so passionate about for his father, was everything to him. Now he was switching it up? For what?

We finished setting up most of the food with the exception of a few sides. I wasn't sure why we always went all out and didn't just order pizza or something. Maybe this was what adulthood was all about and I was just stunted. Either way, I was going to tear up this Christmas Eve spread since I was sober and starving.

People started arriving, all red cheeked and merry. I got roped into playing school with the kids with Chris's son Jeremiah as the teacher. I raised my hand to ask a ridiculous question just to get a laugh out of the kids and, as usual, it worked. Jeremiah doubled over with giggles at the question, "Do dinosaurs know how to whip and Nae Nae?" It was so easy.

Dallas arrived late again. Not as late as Friendsgiving, but late enough that everyone else was already here.

I decided I would pay him no mind. The kids were trying to see how many candy canes they could hang on my body without them falling down. I was instructed to sit on the floor with my arms straight out and keep still or else.

"Put some in his nose," I heard from behind me. It was Joey, though I couldn't turn around and look since I had peppermint sticks hanging from my ears and hair precariously. He circled around to sit on the couch in front of me. Aubrey giggled and stuck two candy canes, one in each nostril. "You're welcome."

I narrowed my eyes at him, somewhat amused by this game. After sixteen candy canes survived my body, one finally fell down. Then I started flailing around to make them all go as well, making the kids shriek with laughter.

When it was just the two of us, I stood up to sit beside Joey. "I like your sweater," I snorted, eyeing his ugly Christmas sweater.

"Thank you, thank you," Joey said, posing a little.

"Sorry about last time. I got too drunk and—"

"And you saw your ex," he cut in. My face blanked and I glanced around to make sure nobody, specifically Shelby, heard that. "They filled me in after his girlfriend left. I'd probably act up, too, if I had that."

He looked over at Dallas and I followed his gaze. I sighed quietly, my heartbeat picking up just at the sight of him. His hair looked a little longer even though it'd only been a month. He was wearing these black jeans that just . . . I looked away. Pining after him wouldn't help anything.

I didn't like the way Joey was looking at him, though.

"Anyways," I said, catching his attention. "What are you doing after this?"

His eyebrows quirked and he smirked a bit. "I guess I'll be doing you, if I'm lucky," he said. In my head, I gagged at the line. But on the outside, I just smiled and went along with it.

We didn't eat around the table this time. Instead we all just grabbed plates and littered wherever we could fit. I ended up back on the couch with Joey, chatting away about what had been happening in his life, mostly. Mine was still the same. Dallas and Shelby joined us, along with a few others, but we didn't speak.

I couldn't even look at him.

He was there though. He was painstakingly present and I could feel him in the air. Even if I turned my body away, I could still feel him. It was killing me slowly. Just hearing his voice, his laugh. The urge to find a drink was all too tempting, but I wasn't going to do that anymore. Drinking my problems away weren't going to make them disappear. It only blurred them temporarily.

After everybody ate, we started the gift exchange. It was a pretty good year. Ebony loved my gift, going on about what she was going to make in the Dutch oven with a wide grin. As it turned out, Grace had gotten my name and gifted me a brand new, leather cover journal. It was like she'd read my mind about wanting to journal recently.

"Thank you," I said, feeling warm and fuzzy over the thoughtfulness of it.

She gave me a big hug, a sisterly embrace that I'd only ever known from her. "I hope your first page is about me," she said, kissing my forehead. I grinned up at her and promised it would.

Everyone seemed happy with their gifts, even if they weren't, and the Christmas cheer was ever present in this house. Everything I loved about the holiday was showing! Love, gift-giving, laughter and friendship. This was why I loved it so much. Even if I sat on the couch quietly, just watching everyone's good moods while Joey kept trying to get my attention.

"Hey," he said beside me. I looked over. "Follow me."

Figuring I didn't have much else to do besides sit here and watch Carlos play with his new massage gun, I followed him. He lead me over to the hallway where we were away from mostly everyone. We stopped in the middle of the hallway and I looked at him expectantly. He glanced upwards and I followed his eyes, immediately laughing.

"Not the mistletoe trick," I said, shaking my head.

"You know the rules," he said.

I leaned up and kissed him. It was plain, nothing special. He held my waist while we kissed for a minute. I pulled away first and smiled at him, not feeling much of anything about that kiss. I guess I would be going home with him for the hell of it, if not to get the taste of someone else out of my mouth.

He stole one more kiss before he let me go. On my way back to the couch, I made direct eye contact with Dallas. He was standing with Scott and Erick, but he'd have had a clear view of the hallway where I just kissed Joey.

Maybe I'd imagined the way his jaw locked, or how his eyes landed on Joey the same way they did at Friendsgiving, or how he seemed like he wanted to bloody his knuckles for me.

I ignored him. He wasn't allowed to be jealous. Not now, not then, not ever. And I wasn't allowed to want him to be.