Nikolas's POV

Comfort.

I'd gone without it for a lot of years. It was this deep empty hole in my chest searching for anything to fill it; aching as it kept on eating at my inside, day after day searching for satiety but never was able to find it. It kept on getting deeper and deeper till it sucked all the light from inside, leaving me with nothing but darkness.

And that darkness surrounded me, wrapped me inside out. It took parts of me and embedded itself into my core, always there taunting me, mocking me, reminding me I'd lost the right to be loved.

But when this woman looks at me, when those green eyes that's so similar to mine caress my face with so much softness; all of a sudden that darkness starts to fade away and light swoop right in.

When she smiles; Comfort - that foreign feeling - surrounds me.

And it leaves me questioning everything, including myself. Do I deserve it? Hell to the no I don't.

But once again, when she finds out what I did; when she discovers that I turned out to be a copy of the man who once ruined her; Would she still look at me in the same way? Would she give me her smile? Would she be able to even look me in the eye?

"But he's your son too." My words broke the silence that settled between us and I know somewhere in her head she is trying to understand, trying to make sense of the meaning my words left behind.

And once she gets a grip on it, she won't forgive me, because I know; Actually, I am sure that she loved him.

But I hated him.

She cared about him and I ruined him.

He is her son but he is my enemy.

I can see her throat working, swallowing past the confusion as her gaze not once wavered from me. She lightly shook her head, her voice a mere whisper, "What did you do?"

What did I not do, would've been the better question.

"Nikolas, did you.. did you hurt your brother?" She asked, her voice questioning me almost as if she couldn't believe it.

My jaw tightened, "He is not my brother."

She blinked and shook her head again, lines etched between her eyebrows and she asked again, "What did you do to him?" Her tone got more serious, "Nikolas, answer me!"

"I can't tell you."

"Why?" I heard fear quivering in her tone, "Did you...Did you kill him?" She couldn't even pronounce the word without her voice breaking.

I fisted my hand, my voice hardened, "Not yet."

Her eyes widened and she inched closer to me, she shook her head, "No, no, don't you.. don't you dare. I know it's my fault-" She placed her hand on her chest, "I know I separated the two of you; I thought I was doing the right thing back then but he is still your brother, he is your little brother, you can't hurt him, you can't... and if you do, I will never forgive you, Nikolas, please don't hurt him..."

My chest tightened painfully; as if someone grabbed my lungs in a tight grip and squeezed off all the oxygen from them. A part of me wanted to not care, not care whether she'll forgive me or not; not care how I'll ruin Cara by this, how I'll take Lilly's father away from her, that part wanted to wake up the monster in me, to cling to darkness and kill him, finish him, end what I started, so maybe.. maybe I'll be able to rest after.

Because even after everything I've done; I am not satisfied, I am not feeling the pleasure of his pain, I am not enjoying the thought of spilling his blood like I used to.

But at the same time, a small part of me doesn't want to do it. Knowing that by that, I'll ruin the lives of the only people I care about.

My mind was in a war, a battle between light and darkness was initiated and it fed off the left sanity in me.

That's why I hated to care. That's why I hated to feel because it's easier to take the dark path, to turn off everything and let the monster rule. Because that's the only thing I am good at, destroying, ruining, that's who I am, that's the fucked-up me and that what I am always going to be. I can feel it there, still simmering in my bones, my truth. The monster they feared, the one ready to raise hell, the one who enjoyed their pain, that's the part of me that I loved, the one that can never be redeemed, because let's face it;

Redemption is not for everyone.

Some things were unforgivable. All the fucked-up sins I committed, they cannot be erased.

My nails dug harder into the inside of my palm, and I am pretty sure I was hurting myself, I can feel the blood seeping through. I didn't understand why, was it the anger, the rage and the fury trying to break free from my body. Or was it simply because I wanted to feel some pain. I never understood myself, I was never in control of the things my body did.

Her hand on my arms kicked me back in, "Promise me you're not going to do it." It came out as a plea, her eyes begging me, trying to reach the human in me.

I shook my head, "I can't give a promise I am not going to keep." I said, "He deserves it, he deserves much worse-"

Worry flashed in her eyes, "No, no, he doesn't. He was young, Nikolas he didn't understand what he was doing, it's not his fault, none of this is his fault, you can't blame him."

I lost control over the anger rushing in me, my mind a cloud of rage and agony, "He ruined our lives, it's because of him, all the shit we went through was because of him. My uncle made sure to remind me of that every day, every fucking time when he fucked me up, he made sure to say that I have to die, so his son can live; I have to break down, so his son can take my place." My voice was getting louder with each word, all my nerves were wringing me tight, "So don't tell me it's not his fault; Everything Frank did was to punish you from keeping Alex away from him;

My eyebrows pulled together, "You were doing that just so you protect him and look where it got you."

Old pain twisted her face, and she edged back a fraction, "So you're going to blame him for his existence?"

A hot breath pushed from my lungs and I nodded, "Yes, because we paid the price of that existence."

She covered her mouth with her hand, her gaze dropped down, her breath hitched as she tried to chock back tears. And the thought of me being the reason behind those tears this time slammed me like a kick in the gut. Air wheezed down my throat as I struggled to pull it into the well of my lungs. I brought my hand to her arm, but she shrugged it off and backed away.

"I thought you got better- ", She started, not once meeting my eyes, "I thought you were okay, that you moved on." Her voice was surprisingly calm. She lifted her head and tormented eyes slapped me in the heart, the one I thought I didn't have.

She wiped her cheek with the back of her hand, "Does he know about you?" She asked. I nodded, "He knows."

She swallowed hard, "Does he.. does he know about me?" She asked hesitantly.

I shook my head, "He thinks you're dead." I said, "And it's gonna stay that way. I am not risking Frank knowing you are still alive."

She wrapped her arms around herself and looked down at her lap, she took in a breath, "I wish I can see him. He must be all grown up now." Sadness clouded her eyes as she lowly muttered those words. Sorrow and something like guilt flared in her tone. She lifted her head, "You're not gonna tell me what you did to him?"

I shook my head, "No. Don't worry, I didn't physically hurt him even though I wanted to and I still want to."

"Nik-"

"No mother, don't-" Don't try to kick some sense into my head, don't make me feel bad because I am not yet finished with him. "I am not okay if that's what you're wondering. I didn't get better, I just got worse-" Rage simmered in my blood, "I didn't forget and I am not going to forget.

I can't fucking sleep, I can't breathe, I can't even close my eyes because when I do, I keep seeing it over and over and over again." I ground my teeth as my nails dug deeper into my flesh, "There is nothing for me in this world, there is nothing for me to live for but this anger, it's the only thing keeping me moving on and if I ever let myself feel; if I break down that wall, I will break myself too."

I had the sudden undeniable urge to break something, to hear glass shatter and I did my best to ignore the desire to seek a release, to destroy and ruin. I swallowed hard and my hands trembled. I scoffed, mocking my life, my fate, myself; "I'll break down and come back into this place." I looked around me, at the white walls that kept me hostage for years, the ones that trapped my brain in a maze; still there, still lost, still trying to figure a way out.

Tears went unchecked down her cheek as she stared back at me helplessly; I know she wants to help, to rid of me that pain but she can't.

No one can.

"But-" Her voice quivered, "You told me there was a girl, you told me that you loved her."

I scoffed, "And that was the worst mistake of my life." The words bled from my mouth; I shook my head, "Because she's not mine. Because I can never have her."

Because it was better when I was dead inside.

It was all good before she woke up the human in me, before she brought me back to life and stabbed me right in the chest with no intention of ever killing me.

I know I have no right to think of her, to crave her like air, or to even need her. It's true I am messed up, but I am not delusional. I know better than to claim a woman as mine when her heart belonged to someone else.

People think that when you're bad, you don't know what good is, but that's where they're wrong. Because those who committed the worst wrong mistakes are those who best knows what right is.

I know what's good from bad. I know what's wrong from right.

I know what I turned my back on when I chose to walk through that dark path. I am the one who chose to fire that bullet and kill my first victim. I am the one who tainted my hands with red.

I am the one who chose to become a monster.

Because you fight fire with – fire.

You don't step into a battle unless you're as powerful as your opponent.

Because by the end of the day, a mouse can't kill a lion, but a lion can kill a lion.

That's what makes us different. That what always keeps me one step ahead of Alex.

He chose to keep the good in him.

I chose to let go of that.

*****

One day later...

Alex's POV

My fingers moved on their own accord brushing the few strands that fell over her face away, they moved to the soft skin of her cheeks and gently stroked it, "Cupcakes." I said, trying to wake her up.

She was sleeping, so peaceful, her hair spread out all around her. Soft breaths parted her lips, and the faint rays of the sun caressing her face. I smiled because she is here, by my side, in my home, finally.

I bent and left a kiss over her forehead. She shifted in her sleep and when I pulled away, she sighed and her eyes slowly glided open.

"Hey, sleepy head."

She rammed the heels of her hand into her eyes, trying to kick away the sleep as she stifled a yawn.

"Come on, you should get ready." I said as my eyes traveled to my watch, "We're already late."

She got up from her laying position and sat straight, "Go where?"

"To the church- ", I hesitantly said. I mean, she knows the funeral is today. I swallowed hard, since we came back from the hospital up till now, she didn't even shed a tear. Not that I want her tears, it's just she is not handling this the right way.

This is not healthy.

"Oh that-", She blankly said, "I am not going."

My eyes widened as I stared back at her, "What do you mean you're not going?"

She looked unfazed as she went off the bed, "It means I am not going."

"Cara, it's your father's funeral." I reminded her because she seems to forget that.

"I know." She gave me a duh-look.

She was about to walk away but I grabbed her arm from the back, stopping her. She turned and gave me a questioning look, "What?"

"Why you are not going?"

She let an irritated sigh and removed my hand away, "Because I don't want to."

Lines creased my brow as I stared back at her. I shook my head, "Don't act like this is not affecting you."

She shrugged, "I am not acting." How can she do this? "That man left me, he wasn't there almost my whole life, so why would I go to his funeral?" The thing that scared me the most was how calm she was.

The calm before the storm probably.

"He wasn't there at my graduation, he wasn't there at my wedding... Oh, wait he was at my fake funeral-", Her words dripped with disgusted amusement, "And that's when he took me away from here and destroyed my whole life." She shrugged casually, light brown eyes narrowed at me, "Should I give you more reason up to why I am not going?"

I roughed my hand over my face. "If you think this is going to work, then you're wrong. Denial won't get you anywhere- "

"I am not in denial." She said interrupting me, "I am stating facts."

"I hated him. A lot. And him dying won't change that." She shook her head, "I don't forgive him."

"Cara do you hear yourself?"

She raised her eyebrow, "Do I look deaf to you?"

Oh god.

"Cara, look, I didn't meet you yesterday. I know what you're trying to do." I said.

Been there, done that.

She shook her head, "Alex, just drop it, you don't know. I simply don't want to go. Are you going to force me?"

My jaw tightened and a hot breath pushed from my lungs. I didn't know what to say to snap her back from whatever she is trying to do. Her lips curled into a sneer, "I thought so." She said before she walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind.

I heaved out a sigh and a weird feeling settled in the pit of my stomach as I stared at the closed door. The ringing of my phone snapped me back in, I pulled it out and answered, "Where are you?" was the first question Roman threw at me.

"Your dear sister doesn't want to go," I said.

"What? Why?" He asked.

"I have no idea." I said, "Look how about you come and try to kick some sense into her head, maybe she'll listen to you."

He sighed, "I am on my way."

Cara went out of the bathroom as I hanged up the phone. She shot me a glare before she went back to bed. My eyes widened, "Why in hell you're glaring at me? What did I do?"

Frustrated air puffed from her nose, "I am not glaring at you." She blankly said before she laid on the bed. I walked to her and shook my head, "Nope, no more sleeping, get up." I said strictly as I pulled the covers away from her.

Now, she really glared at me. That if-you-don't-leave-me-i-am-gonna-slap-you glare. She sat down and tried to pull the covers back, she gritted her teeth, "I want to sleep, leave me alone!"

"Look if I have to carry out of that bed, I will, so get up, come on."

She gave up on the covers and laid her head back on the pillow, "I don't want your stupid cover." she mumbled with a low voice, "You are so annoying."

Oh my freaking god; Why does she hate me today?

I inched closer and wrapped one arm around her back, the other went under her knees as I pulled her up from the bed. Her eyes widened and she tried to break free, "What are you doing?" She snapped, she hit my chest, "Leave me, oh my god, leave me I want to sleep."

I laughed at her failed attempts at escaping; She glared at me, something fierce took over her expression, "Do you want me to slap you?". I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, always with the slap threatening.

"Just put me down." She said through gritted teeth as she hit my chest again.

I shook my head, "It's weird but when you're like this, I just want to kiss the hell out of you."

She raised her eyebrow at me. The corner of my lip lifted in a smirk, "Since we are not going to the funeral, let's do something else." I winked and inched my face closer to hers, "You know, celebrate life."

And yeah - she slapped me this time. I think I didn't take her threat seriously.

"That was not at all necessary," I said with an annoyed tone.

"Put me down." She insisted and I placed her down this time. Fuck, I was just trying to get a reaction from her, anything but this anger that she seems to cling to.

I exhaled heavily, "So your father is dead, your friend is in the hospital not waking up- " My gut knotted, "And you want to convince me now that you don't care?"

She shrugged casually, "Katherine will be okay. And he got what he deserved. So no, I don't care."

My eyebrows knitted in disbelief, "What the hell happened to you?"

She took her phone from the bedside table and went through it like it's the most important thing to do, her gaze not wavering from it as she blankly said, "I don't know, maybe Nikolas left his touch on me."

I clenched my jaw, my nerves skittered and it took all in me not to snap out.

I couldn't be more thankful for the knock on the door, maybe seeing her brother will make her wake up and fucking understand. I immediately went and opened it for him.

"Woah, you look so clean." I couldn't help but comment, I am not used to seeing him with a suit and tie and all.

He raised a very unsatisfied eyebrow before he stepped inside and looked around, "Where is she?"

"In the bedroom." I said as I lead his way, "Please do something, she've gone mad." I rubbed my cheek and mumbled, "She slapped me." 

I entered the room and he followed behind. Cara was still sitting on the bed, her eyes on the phone in her hand. "You're not ready yet?" Roman asked grabbing her attention to him. She lifted her eyes and looked at him, she shook her head, "I am not going." And she simply turned back to her phone.

"Cara-" He said before he stepped closer and sat beside her on the bed's edge, "It's dad's funeral, you gonna leave me to do it all on my own?" His voice was thick and a bit hoarse, "I need you there by my side."

She didn't look at him but I saw how her hand tightened on the phone. He placed his fingers under her chin and lifted her head up, "Isn't that what he said? He told us to stay by each others side, right?"

She kept silent as she gazed back at him, "Mom is going too." He added.

Silence.

He removed his hand from over her chin, he took the phone away from her and he placed it aside. She didn't fight him back, she just kept looking back at him. He took her hand in his, "I know it hurts, believe me I know, he's my father too, he is the only family I had for years - but now, now I got you-" A small somber smile pulled at his lips, "We got each other now, so please don't let me go through this alone."

I saw the hard swallow she took before she edged forward and wrapped her arms around him. She closed her eyes and laid her head on his shoulder, "I can't go, I am sorry but I can't."

He hugged her back, "Why?"

"I can't. If I went then... then it will feel so real. I can't do that."

My chest tightened at the buried heartbreak in her voice. Just let it out Cara, you'll feel better, you are hurting yourself like this.

He pulled away, "But there gonna be only this one funeral; Cara it's your last chance to see him."

She shook her head, "No, if I went, If I saw him, I will break down, and this time if I broke, there is no coming back from it." Her eyes drifted to me then back to Roman, "You all want me to cry and break but once I do, you all will be, don't, it's gonna be okay. So just don't force to do something that I don't want. Let me handle this my own way because I have a child inside me and if I was irresponsible I'll lose him. I have to stay strong-" Her voice dropped lower. My heart squeezed painfully as she continued, "I can't allow myself to feel it, I just can't. Please understand this.."

Roman sighed, "Okay." He said before he stood up, "As you want."

He turned to me, "Are you going?"

I shook my head, my eyes only on her, "No." I said. I can't leave her alone, not when she's like this.

She went off the bed, her steps heavy as walked toward me, "Can you please go with him?" She asked, her voice on the verge of breaking, her brow cinched in sadness, "Can you do it for me?"

I swallowed, "I don't want to leave you alone."

"I am not a kid Alex." She said, "I can take care of myself."

Her hand came and held mine, "Please do it for me, take my place, be by Roman's side because I can't do that, not today."

I inched even closer, I clutched the back of her neck, my fingers in her hair and my thumb ran along the angle of her jaw, "The thing is, I don't want your tears, no, I hate them-" I referred to what she mentioned before, "But by this, you are not stopping it, you're just postponing it.

The day is gonna come and it's going to explode at last."

"Grief is good- ", Like a barrier, her eyes closed, and she shook her head stopping me, but I continued, "And don't tell me that I don't understand because I do, because when they told me you died, I didn't believe them, I didn't accept it, I kept saying it's a joke or just a dream I am going to wake up from. I didn't believe till I stood there in your funeral and saw your mother crying at the loss of her daughter-"

My voice dropped lower, old wounds opened again, and the tremor of unease that coursed through my limbs didn't make any sense because she is just right here in front of me now. But there is always that faint voice in my head, always whispering that I am going to lose her again, and that terrifies the hell out of me.

She pried her eyes open, pain swan in them as she stared back at me, waiting for me to continue, "Even after, I tried to run away from it, I drank myself into oblivion till I couldn't think clearly anymore-", I shook my head, "But it didn't work."

"I clung into anger, trying to blame you for getting on that plane; I pushed the people around me away, but still nothing worked. I had to face it, i had to come to terms with it.

You should do that too, but know for sure you won't be alone in this-", Gentling my fingers through the locks of her hair, I kissed the top of her head. I pulled her body closer to mine and I whispered the truth, "You got me."

"I'll be there to hold you, always remember that."

It would kill me to see her break, to see her fall apart; But i'll try with everything in me to pick up the pieces.

Because i need her more than she needs me.

Because the dark thoughts tumbling through my mind are scaring me. That things i am capable of doing, frightens me.

The person i am becoming terrifies me.

And i need her to pull me out of that.

I backed away, "You're sure you'll be okay." I asked. She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and nodded.

I changed my clothes and followed Roman, I made sure to tell Linda to keep an eye on Cara and to immediately call me if anything happened.

Hours passed, I wasn't aware of the time, almost as if someone pressed fast forward. Everything went in a blur. Funerals weren't a place i'd love to be, but this was something i had to do.

He was part of this family after all.

And even thought i wasn't a big fan of that man, I couldn't help the weird tightness in my stomach during this whole thing.

And I couldn't be more relieved when it was all over.

I rushed back home after, Roman came along and so did Cara's mother. She wanted to check on her, maybe she can pull her out of this denial she immersed herself into.

The moment i stepped into the house, Lilly came running toward me, "Alis." She said with a frown.

I bent down and stroked her cheek, "What's wrong?"

"Mommy-" she said sadly, "Go."

My eyebrows pulled together, "What?"

"Where were you? I was calling you-" Linda's voice made me lift my head up to meet her worried eyes. My hand immediately went to my pocket and I pulled my phone out and indeed there were like ten missed call from her.

"Fuck, i forgot it on silent." I said as i switched it back. Blood thundered through my veins, "Why? what happened?"

Roman edged forward toward her, "Where is Cara?"

"She just left. She just went out."

My hand fisted at my side, "Did she say where she's going?"

She shook her head, "No, she didn't. I called you so maybe she was going to you or something."

"I will call her." Roman said as she pulled his phone out.

In that same moment my phone started ringing in my hand. My gaze dropped to it, aggression spiked at name that flashed through the screen.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.." I cursed under my breath as too many thoughts took over my head.

I pressed the answer button and placed the phone to my ear; I roughed a hand over the top of my head. "What the fuck do you want?" I spat through gritted teeth.

"Where is she?" He asked.

"You definitely have some balls asking me that." Rage brimmed and spiraled, "Didn't i tell you to stay the fuck away from her!"

"She's the one who called me, she said things I didn't understand." He said, "Now tell me she is beside you before i fucking lose my mind!"

Something vicious curled in my consciousness; Worry grabbed me by the throat, "Why did she call you? What did she say?"

"For fucks sake now, tell me that she's beside you!" He snapped.

I brought my fist to my mouth, i bit on my knuckles trying to keep this fucked up feelings inside me from spurring forward, "She is not."

"Fuck i knew you were good for nothing! Your father is out there on loose waiting for the right moment to attack. He wants the child dead and he doesn't care if he had to hurt her to get that.

Goddammit you had only one job, one fucking job-"

Air pushed in and out of my chest, i grabbed the back of my head; my fingers wrapped around my hair; "You better find her before i do." He said, more like threatened;

"Because you won't be so happy with what have.

Apparently, you can't protect her.

But i can do that."

****************************

So not much happened, but don't worry, more things are coming your way, i just don't want to rush things.

I uploaded this chapter like 10000 times since yesterday but I don't know what the heck is wrong with wattpad.

And like you see, i am giving shorter chapters but i am updating faster. It's better that way for me. Long chapters stress me out.

Btw, with the death threats i got from the dream-chapter, i more than sure now that I cannot end things that way XD but worry not, the end will be much worse, you'll see *put my shades on*

Love ya all♥️