Sometimes I try so hard to  remember even just a little bit of my childhood, as in I try to force my brain to remember but nothing happens. Not even flashes of memories come to mind, as if it's totally empty in there.

They said my childhood was the happiest I've been (same as most kids, apparently.) but then why can't I remember it? How could things have gone so wrong that I couldn't even remember a precious moment of my childhood?

Partial amnesia my ass.

Summer had just begun, the smell of the sea was salty-good and the breeze of the air was soothing yet something in my nerves kept screaming 'danger' at me. I kept trying to shake it off but it comes back not long after I've forgotten about it.

Is it possibly because I'm back at my hometown - the little place where everyone knew everybody that lived here - therefore they know my past and that fact hinges me?

It should've calmed me. Being back home and all. This is where I made my 'cannot-be-remembered' memories and although I had nothing to reminisce about, I should at least feel safe here. But then again, with all the pitiful looks the locals were giving me, how ever would I feel safe or secured?

I honestly felt relieved when I left town for college because it was my escape, although not forever, it gave me a break. Now it's over again.

As far as I know, I've survived just fine after my (also cannot be remembered) traumatic accident but when people look at me, I feel like they see this (non-existent) girl broken by her past where she lost the boy they swore she loved - the boy she can't even remember - instead of seeing me, the amnesiac.

I mean, I am sorry that this forgotten childhood sweetheart of mine died just weeks after our accident but my memory of him has been wiped out entirely that it's hard for me to feel sadder than a stranger would be to hear about a 'to young to die' dying. If they're right that I did love him so much then my memory loss could've been possibly a blessing in disguise. If I did love someone too much and it was that kid, my guess is that I'd be a wreck if I had him to remember.

I don't remember him but the guilt of me surviving and him dying already kills me, what more if I had all my memory of him?

Maybe they're right with all the whisperings and the hushed conversations they've had about me. Maybe something inside me is broken. It would explain why I've never felt alive - or never remember feeling alive - as if I'm simply a walking dead and nothing felt real. I felt nothing even for the boy holding my hand right now.

"I love you." Walter said, in a matter-of-factly manner. He put his arm around me as we continued roaming near the shore. I looked down the wet sand because I tried so hard not to flinch when he said it. I always did. Because something inside me told me that what he said didn't sound right when he said it.

I wanted to believe the words but I always doubted it. I know I've heard the words said to me before and I've heard it so passionately and so heartbreakingly that the boy saying it to me now couldn't sound loving to my ears.

Logic told me I love Walter but I choose to lessen saying the three magic words to him so I won't feel guilty because I know it'd sound as fake as how he says it.

"God, if we can just stay here and keep living this peaceful." He said looking all around. That was scary to hear because I couldn't imagine that life, not with him.

I kissed him on the cheek because I couldn't figure out how to reply. He looked directly in my eyes and smiled and I was scared because I couldn't see forever in his eyes. I should see it. Although I know he won't be my forever, I always looked for it in him just because I just want to be secure for once.

"I'm glad you wanted me here with you."

I honestly didn't.

It's nothing personal, it's just that I thought this was too much for me to handle. We've just been dating for six months and although that's already a long time, this was still a lot for me. I liked that he was separated from my past and now he's in here too.

But for what it's worth, things went better than I imagined. Of course my friends disagreed with the idea of me dating a complete stranger and then bringing him around in trips but they barely saw him that they didn't argue much about it.

To be totally honest, it's been six months yet Walter still feels like a stranger to me. I don't even know how to be with him. He just seemed to accept me for everything I am without questioning it that it bothers me a lot. It shouldn't be like that. We don't even fight, that's not normal.

My friends and I agreed to meet for dinner at the local Pizzeria. It was one of my favorite hang outs that I shared with them. Walter and I parted ways just before I got inside the restaurant. He was gonna eat with a couple of his friends that was taking a break over here and I was to eat with my friends.

My friends simultaneously rolled their eyes as I got in. I was late and since they hated my boyfriend, of course the blame would be on him. I took a seat, deciding to let it go for the millionth time.

"That should be a record. Fifteen minute's the fastest she's come."

I groaned. "Can we just skip all that crap tonight? I just want to eat with my friends and enjoy the summer vacation."

They all rolled their eyes at me as I sat on the vacant seat. "What now?" I asked, groaning internally.

"Nothing. We're just thankful you finally decided to join us."

I tried so hard not to roll my eyes.

"Okay, why don't we all just play a game called 'shut up' while we wait for the food?" Becca suggested as she put a hand on my shoulder to shut me up.

I know I don't love Walter and I know they hate him but he's my first boyfriend - not really but since I can't really consider Austin Walker my ex-boyfriend since I don't remember him Walter's my first - and it's still early to tell.

Maybe he'd end up as the love of my life and I just don't know it yet.

But even I couldn't make myself believe that. And I know I shouldn't lie about saying 'I love you' when I don't mean it. I felt horrible about it, turning the purest words that could ever leave my mouth and turning it into a lie, smoothly telling it to a guy that has tried to do what's best for me. Of course I hated myself for that but  I knew that if I held back on the words, he'd get tired of me and leave me. I know it's pitiful but I can't handle being alone, not now when I've felt so much better with having security.

"For the record though - "Ri cut in, disrupting the silent game we were having. "I don't think we should but in so much with her and Walter. I mean, I get that we're protective of Charlie but jeez, the worst the guy could do to her is turn her into some sort of weirdo vegetarian.."

At first I thought she was gonna have my back but then it ended up being a joke about my boyfriend. I decided to shut up instead of fighting. If I always replied, I'd be at war with all of them.

I noticed a waiter coming towards us with food in tow and realized my friends ordered without me. I guess I should actually feel bad because they probably expected I'd take longer than I have to get her. God, I was a crappy friend.

As the waiter placed two bowls of spaghetti and meatballs on both end of the table and before he could go back to the kitchen and get the other stuff, Ri 'accidentally' dropped her fork. When the guy headed down to get it, she 'unintentionally' did the same, bumping heads with the guy.

"oops."

We all snickered and look all around besides them. This was classic Ri, always trying to get guys' attention - usually with not much effort needed even.

"I'm sorry that's clumsy of me."

"It's no problem, It's just a fork, I'll just get you another one." The waiter said with a strict 'no casual business' tone.

I always thought Ri was everybody's type. Now I sit corrected. I salute server boy for not falling for it. Ri looked confused when the guy left and I couldn't help the snort that came out of my nose. "What was that -"

"I know, right?" Irene agreed, looking incredulously at Ri.

"The guy was like wearing an 'anti-flirty customers' jacket."

"He didn't look the type that passed out on opportunities." Ri muttered, obviously flabbergasted that she didn't affect the guy. "But I'm everybody's type."

Of course it wasn't a big deal but it was honestly surprising to have seen that unfold. I don't think any of us expected to ignore Ri. The girl was practically a beauty queen, nobody could not look at her and be unaffected.

When the guy came back with our food and Ri's fork, she tried to pull another flirty line on him but it still wouldn't work. It was then when I looked at the guy, is he some kind of robot or something? I caught his dark pair of eyes just before we both awkwardly flinched away and decided that he's probably into guys... that's the only reason I could muster right now.

After leaving the last order my friends took, the guy finally left us alone, he's probably gonna try to ignore us as best he can because of Ri.

"I swear that guy looks familiar." Becca said with this deep frown. "Don't you think so, Charlie?" She looked at me and her eyes slightly widened. "Right, sorry for a stupid question."

I snorted. "It's partial amnesia, Becca. I do remember some stuff. But to answer your question.. no, I don't think so."

"Right." She said sheepishly.

But as we ate, my mind drifted into trying to scratch this imaginary wall in my brain where I'm certain my memories are hidden. Of course, it being imaginary means I don't believe this wall's existence but It didn't stop me from trying to tear it down. I wanted to remember, just so I could stop asking myself questions that I couldn't dare myself to ask anyone else.

Of course the main reason why I don't want to ask anybody is because a big part of me also doesn't want to find out and it's really screwed up and I just don't know how to explain it.

I looked at Becca and bit my lip, arguing within myself whether I really did want to know. I sighed, the answer 'yes' winning the competition.

Since I've been friends with Becca since high school - no, elementary, she's officially the oldest friend I had within our table and it also means she's been with me through childhood which just means that she's the only one in here that can answer my questions.

 She was still trying to remember where she'd seen the guy so I waited for her to give up figuring it our before I asked her about my own memory dilemma.

 "I just can't make out who it is" She said, annoyed that she seriously couldn't put the puzzle pieces together. "It's so freaking annoying!"

I raised my hand. "I hear ya, sister." Of course I knew the feeling, my entire existence had holes in it that I can't even remember.

She looked apologetically at me.

"You know what I can't figure out?" Irene asked, cutting all conversations off. She was like that, always trying to put the light on herself. We all looked at her expectantly and she looked at me. "I can't understand how out of all of us, Charlie's the one who ended up with a boyfriend - regardless of the fact that her boy's a weirdo."

"Am I supposed to be flattered or offended?" I asked looking her straight in the eyes. The girl is testing me.

"Take it either way, I was just thinking aloud."

I was about to give her a piece of my mind when I saw Ri roll her eyes at Irene and shook her head at me. She barely bothered caring about stuf like these so I decided to just do what she said. I looked at Becca who looked as annoyed as the rest of us were. We try to tolerate Irene's attitude but sometimes it gets too much. In fact, we never had to listen to her before, she's not even part of our group officially, she was just butting in.

"Um. I was wondering.. what can you tell me about Austin Walkers?" I didn't think I said it loud but the rest of the group turned to me. "Um.. I just.. I couldn't stop thinking about him." I said, self-consciously looking at my friends.

As if coming out of a daze, Becca begun to talk. "Austin was awesome." She said matter-of-factly. It was obvious that she was thinking her next words through. "He brought out the best in you, you know." She looked at me sadly. "God, the whole town watched you guys grow together. From childhood to adolescent hood, you guys were inseparable and everyone absolutely loved your love." She was reddening, as if she was actually about to cry. "I'm sorry, it's really sad you can't remember it.. those years with him were the happiest I've ever seen you."

"He was funny?"

"Hell yeah." She said. "Guy could crack up anybody that could breathe. I remember shaking my head and laughing whenever you guys fight, I saw how hard you tried to keep a straight face."

 I smiled. We sounded so adorable I regret not remembering any of it. "We fought a lot?"

"I wouldn't put it that way, you're the fighter he's the make up'er', he doesn't argue with you.. he just lets you cool off, you guys proved that opposites attract."

He sounded perfect.

"Okaay, I've heard all the nice stuffs, what's our problem?"

"Well.. since you guys practically grew up as one you're co-dependent from each other and you couldn't handle even just a short time of separation."

That was the worst problem? I loved the guy so much I couldn't handle not being with him? I'd give anything to feel that way now.

 She looked like she wanted to say more and she did. "You were such a stubborn kid but he always managed to bring out the best in you." She looked at me uncomfortable before going on. "I'd hate to say it but if you remembered him at all, I don't think you could handle it, I've always thought that it was better that you lost your memory than to remember him, I'm sorry if I sound like an awful person -"

"No, you're not. It's the truth. With all you've said, I feel more relieved now that I forgot. I feel awful about it too because it's unfair that I forgot him and he's such a huge part of my life but I'm also just grateful to not have the memories."

With what I said, this sudden flash of a shadow appeared at the back of my mind. I couldn't remember the face but I saw the smile. This truly genuine smile I have never seen before but knew whose it was. Austin's. I can't try to remember him now. Now I know how much I could possibly be tormented by his death, I can't risk that.

I have to forget him. That's the only rational thing to do. It's also the most selfish one. The guy is dead and all I can think about is forgetting him? I didn't deserve him if I was acting like this. 

"You had a guy like that, how'd you end up with a guy like Walter?"

That does it.

"What the hell is your problem with my boyfriend? Are you that insecure that you just have to make me miserable for having someone as good as him in my life that you can't shut your mouth? You want someone to love you, Irene? Be a person."

She looked taken aback. Like I've said, we tolerated her and nobody contradicted her. It's about time someone did so she'd know that we do not agree with her opinions.

"Okaay, so - now we pay and leave?" Ri asked, trying to remove the pressure. She called for one of the waiters and signaled for the check.

Austin walker is a forgotten memory and they said if you can't remember it, it must've been not that important. I feel awful for even saying that but I have to believe it. I have to live by it if I wanted to keep myself sane.

But if I've been happiest while I was with him then shouldn't honoring his memory a small price to pay? It's a little hard since I don't remember him but I am also afraid to.

This is what they call conflicting emotions.

"Charlie," Becca said in a curious tone. "I just wanted to know why you asked.. about Austin."

I've never asked the question before, she's probably asking why now. "Nothing, I was just wondering..." I said, unsure of how else I can explain it.

"Yeah, but you've never asked about him."

"There haven't been any reason to." I defended.

"And there is now? Which is...?"

"Which is curiosity."

"Do you remember him somehow?" She asked.

I frowned. "No, why would you think that?"

She looked around as if trying to find somebody then looked back at me, "no reason."

I was guilty. That was it and nothing else. These memories, my doctor swore I'd regain it but I didn't want to. That's possibly why after all these years I still haven't remembered. I don't want it. It'd only bring me pain and if that Austin guy really loved me, he'd understand that my memory is just as good as gone.