FIVE MONTHS AND THIRTY DAYS AFTER THE DEATH OF OLIVER SALLOW

Months after their break-up, Finn couldn't so much as look at the library, much less step foot inside. In his mind, the library and Oliver were synonymous—both comforting and secretive, nostalgic and formidable. Two safe havens he'd gotten himself exiled from in one fell swoop.

Finn doesn't think that his friends ever came back, either. As they burst through the doors that morning, they look just as puzzled as they did that first time.

Unlike last time, Finn is actually expecting them today. He's carefully picked out a desk that's within sight of the door so they won't have to search for him, but still secluded enough that they aren't on display for the entire library. It's busier now that A-Levels are imminent and their study leave has started. Finn is sort of glad for the soft chatter that can fill in the silence should things get awkward.

His palms are sweaty as he watches Aarun, Kavi and James approach. Wiping them on his pants, he glances Oliver's way. He's sitting in the windowsill, boots propped up in front of him. When they make eye contact, he gives Finn a reassuring thumbs-up.

His words from last night echo in Finn's mind again: You're the bravest person I know, Finn. I could never imagine handing my heart to someone like this.

Two years ago, Finn would've thought the same thing. But he's eighteen now, still in love with the same boy he was then, and he's tired of the secrecy. If coming out to his friends is handing them his heart, then he knows, deep down, that they'll treat it with care. They're silly about a lot of things, but never the ones that could hurt him. Never the ones that matter.

"Birdie!" Aarun greets him.

With a smile, Finn reaches across the desk to accept his fist bump, then Kavi's and James'.

"What's this?" Kavi gestures at the empty desk. "I thought we were here to study. Where's your stuff?"

"Oh, er, it's here." Finn grabs a few of his books from the windowsill, his knuckles brushing Oliver's boots in the process. "But there was actually something else I wanted to talk to you about before we start."

James nods knowingly. "The going away present for Coach Wiley. Honestly, I think we should just buy him a coupon for, like, a spa or something after all the stress we've put him through this season."

"True," Aarun agrees. "Did you guys see how grey his hair's gotten? Man needs a—"

"It's not about the present," Finn interrupts them. "It's... a bit personal."

From across the table, Kavi meets his gaze. In the few seconds they hold eye contact, Finn can tell that Kavi knows where this is going. Under the table, his foot nudges Finn's.

He takes a deep breath. "You guys remember when I used to come here all the time?"

James raises his eyebrows. "Yeah. You were on a real study trip back then."

"I... I didn't really come here to study." Finn clears his throat. "I came here to see Oliver."

"Wait." Aarun frowns, confused. "Oliver Sallow? The Oliver who...?"

"Yeah." Finn glances over at Oliver. His gaze is already resting on Finn, warm and heavy as a blanket. Haloed by the pale morning light, he looks so beautiful Finn feels like something inside him is cracking. His voice comes out utterly firm as he adds: "We had a thing."

There's a brief moment of silence during which Aarun and James look confused while Kavi squints at them like he's telepathically willing them not to say anything stupid.

Then, James tentatively says: "Shit. I'm really sorry."

Finn blinks. "What?"

"I'm really sorry," James repeats, brown eyes wide. "You know, that he died."

"Yeah, holy fuck," Aarun breathes. "That's heavy."

All of a sudden, Finn is so relieved he almost tears up. They don't care that he just told them he liked a boy—only that the boy he liked isn't here anymore. Not to them, anyway.

"Were you two properly dating?" Kavi asks.

"As properly as you can date when you're sixteen," Finn says with a laugh. From the corner of his eye, he catches the way Oliver ducks his head, quietly flustered. More earnestly, Finn says: "I've never liked anyone like I've liked him."

"So... does that mean you're gay?" James asks before quickly adding: "If I'm allowed to ask that. Sorry if not. I don't know a lot about this stuff."

"You're allowed to ask that," Finn graciously says. "I've thought about it a lot, and right now I think the label that fits me best is bi."

"Sick," Aarun and Kavi say in unison.

"Thanks?"

"God, this is why you were so depressed at the start of the year!" James slaps a hand against his forehead. "We were all wondering what happened. I can't believe you went through all of that alone without telling us!"

Finn pauses. "Oh. I... I didn't think you noticed."

"Mate, of course we noticed. No offence, but you played like shit. You barely ate. We were about to stage a team intervention, but then you suddenly seemed to be doing better."

Looking back at that time, Finn can barely remember anything. He feels like he walked through that first long winter without Oliver in a trance, the world softened by the fog that had draped over him sometime in November. Somehow, he was sure that no one else could see him through it, either—that he was as much as a ghost to the others as he felt.

It's funny, how you sometimes don't realize how bad things are until you're doing better.

Perching in the windowsill, Oliver looks stricken. Finn tries to communicate his It's okay, Ollie to him with a look. It is okay, now that he's made it through.

Suddenly, he can see all the small ways the boys showed their concern. The way Aarun and Kavi invited him to their place almost every day and made sure he stayed around for dinner. The way James always brought a little too many snacks to their shared Geography class and sent him football memes every afternoon. The way all of them, even the guys on his team that he hardly has anything to do with off the field, flocked around him after every game, telling him he did well even when he really didn't and defending him from Coach when he dared to point it out.

"Thanks, guys," Finn quietly says. "Sorry I didn't say anything before. I knew I could trust you, I just... didn't feel ready."

"Hey," Kavi mildly cuts in. "It's okay. You don't owe anyone anything."

"Hold on." Slowly, Aarun turns to narrow his eyes at his twin brother. "Did you know?"

Despite himself, Finn has to grin as Kavi cringes and offers an unconvincing: "Maybe I'm just more observant than you?"

"Or maybe you walked in on us mid-make-out," Finn snorts. What little of Oliver's face Finn can make out where it's buried in his hands is approaching burgundy by now.

"But for real," James says, more serious now. "Thanks for telling us, Finn."

Finn.

His chest suddenly feels tight from the sheer amount of love it suddenly has to hold. "Sure," he manages. And then: "You guys are the best. I don't know what I'll do if we don't get into the same uni."

"Shut up, we're not thinking about that right now." Aarun shakes his head, even though his eyes are shining suspiciously. Then, he gets up and rounds the table: "Come here, you git."

Before Finn knows what's happening, he's being crushed in a hug—or, more accurately, his face is being crushed against Aarun's tummy since he didn't actually give him the chance to get up. After a moment, he feels another set of arms wrap around him from behind, and then Kavi's hand ruffling his hair.

And even though the position's awkward and he can barely breathe with the way he's being squeezed, Finn doesn't resist; he lets them hug him until he's near dizzy, a smile so broad it hurts on his face. Knowing someone is going to accept you, he learns in that moment, isn't the same as actually feeling that acceptance—of taking a leap and being caught before you can even worry about the impact. He doesn't think he's ever felt closer to his friends than he does just then (and that says something, coming from a friend group that sees each other naked several times a week and has fallen asleep on top of each other on various buses back from various away games).

Eventually, Kavi releases his hold on him and sniffles: "Can we actually study now? My Maths A-Levels are in ten days and I'm still a bit shit."

The laughter that bubbles from Finn's throat is a breathless, relieved thing. "Yeah, let's do it. Do you have flashcards?"

As everyone returns to their own seats, Finn meets Oliver's eyes. He looks, Finn realizes with a start, like he's blinking away tears.

Okay? Oliver mouths.

Still reeling, Finn rips out a sheet from his notepad and writes on it: I can't remember the last time I've felt this happy.

Oliver tilts his head to read it, features softening. "Good."

His hand reaches out to brush his knuckles over Finn's cheek in the faintest of touches, there and then gone.

Finn briefly closes his eyes.

When he opens them again, the windowsill is empty.

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i love writing coming out scenes and i love writing teenage boy silliness so i truly had the time of my life with this chapter

i hope you enjoyed it as well! we are nearing the end of the story now, but i'm not quite ready to let go of the boys so i think i might write some bonus content!! are there any scenes you guys would like to see with these two? <3

today's song is best friends by 5sos because finn does have the best friends in this place!!