THREE MONTHS AND SIXTEEN DAYS AFTER THE DEATH OF OLIVER SALLOW

All Finn wants is to go home.

He didn't sleep well last night. Or the night before. Or the night before that.

It might be his meds. More likely, it's the memory of Oliver in the stairwell, staring at Finn like Finn had lost his mind after he told him he missed him.

If he could, he would take the words and stuff them back into the pits of his chest where they came from. He was the one who made a whole thing about the "no feelings" rule. It's pretty obvious now that he's the only one who's ever been in danger of breaking it.

Oliver broke up with Finn over a year ago and is now contractually bound to spend what little time he has left with him. This isn't a second chance or a cathartic finale or whatever else Finn has deluded himself into believing. This is a chore Oliver has to complete in order not to leave for good. The least Finn can do is not make it any worse by drunkenly spilling his feelings in the most humiliating way possible. Again.

"Finn?"

He only realizes he's been close to drifting off when Samira calls his name.

She offers him a smile. "Come on in."

With herculean effort, Finn manages to heave himself out of his seat and cross the small waiting room. Inside Samira's office, he slumps onto the couch without even taking off his jacket.

"Long day at school?" Samira prompts.

Finn makes a small noise that could really mean anything.

"You look tired." She tilts her head to catch his gaze. "Have you been sleeping okay?"

"No," he murmurs, rubbing at his eyes. "Not really."

"Because of the fluoxetine? Or is there something else keeping you up?"

"Dunno." When Samira says nothing, patiently waiting for a real answer, Finn sighs. Letting his head roll against the backrest of the couch, he tells the ceiling, "I've been having... feelings."

"Feelings," she echoes. God. She doesn't get paid enough to put up with his.

"There's a boy," Finn ventures. They're only three words, but the effort of getting them through his teeth is enough to make him want to pass out once and for all.

"Ah." The hint of a smile flickers across Samira's face. It almost looks a little proud.

It's been a hard thing for him to figure out. He used to think that bisexuality had to be split even, a boy for every girl he's ever found attractive, when it's really not like that. He's fancied a bunch of girls before, but Oliver's the only boy he's ever had proper feelings for. That doesn't make this part of his sexuality any less valid, though. It's not a blip, or a weird outlier owed to the fact that Oliver wears eyeliner and paints his nails sometimes. If Finn had to compare it, he'd say that comparing his feelings toward girls versus Oliver is like comparing velvet to silk. Neither is objectively better than the other; they just feel different.

"Is he a boy from your school?" Samira asks when Finn doesn't elaborate.

"Yeah," he says after a beat. It's not a total lie. Oliver's name is still on every form list.

"And why is it that you're losing sleep over him?"

"Well, er..." Finn pulls one of the decorative pillows into his lap, arms wrapped around it as he searches for words that won't make him sound completely insane. "I like him a lot. But he doesn't like me back, I don't think. And even if he did, it wouldn't matter because..." He fumbles for a second. "Because he's leaving soon."

"To a different uni?"

"Y-yeah. One where I won't be able to see him. And now I've let it slip that I like him—like-like him—and I feel like it's ruined what little time we still have together and—" He takes a shaky breath. "I just have no idea what I'm doing."

"If it's any consolation," Samira says, "I know many people who have managed to successfully manoeuvre long-distance relationships—"

"It's not. It's not about that." Finn buries his face against the pillow. "Forget it. I guess it's not really what I'm here for."

"Not technically," Samira agrees. "But I want you to know that this is your time. We still have a good amount of sessions left to work on coping strategies and whatnot, so if there's anything else weighing on your mind, you can always bring it up. All right?"

"I... yeah. All right."

"For what it's worth," Samira smiles, "I think this is progress. This is the first person you've liked after Oliver, isn't it?"

Finn wishes he never left his bed.

***

By the time he shuffles out of Samira's office, Finn feels like he could fall asleep standing up. All he wants is to go back to his room and watch something stupid on YouTube until it's a reasonable time to crawl under the covers.

Instead, he looks at his phone to find three new text messages from his mum.

Mum: I hope you're having a good day, love!

Mum: Would you mind popping by Costco for some flour after your appointment? We've run out and Mrs. Bingley isn't answering her door.

Mum: Thanks so much! I can't wait to see you later.

Finn has the ugly urge to simply swipe the messages away and pretend he didn't read them, but he catches himself. At least she tried to ask their neighbours first before texting him.

Finn's dad never understands why she can do that but not go down to the shops herself—he gets annoyed when he receives messages like this. After researching agoraphobia and talking about it with Samira once, Finn thinks he gets it. His mum's problem isn't really the social aspect of leaving the house. She likes talking to people.

The real issue is her fear that she'll have another panic attack with no way of getting to safety. While the trip to Costco is a small inconvenience for Finn, for his mum, it's attached to a whole string of fears. What if she faints while queuing to pay? What if she hyperventilates on the drive there? What if she has another panic attack and no one is around to help her?

After having his fair share of them, Finn can understand why she stays home with her phone always within reach in case something happens. Hell, he also had to force himself to go to school when he still had his panic attacks almost every day.

And, so, all he texts back is: Will do. See you in a bit x

Putting in his earphones, he gets on his bike and rolls into the street.

At this time in the afternoon, the tiny Costco is crowded with people doing their after-work shopping. Finn, with the hood of his windbreaker pulled into his face, quickly winds his way through the familiar aisles. He's so caught up in his mission that he doesn't notice who's standing next to the shelf that holds baking ingredients until the person taps his arm.

He jumps so hard he almost drops his flour. Barely catching it in time, he raises his gaze to find Gabby Walker smiling at him.

"Oh," he breathes, scrambling to take out his earphones. "Hi, Mrs. Walker."

She points at the flour in his hand. "Baking something?"

"Er, no. Well, my mum is. I think."

"Ah." There's a beat of silence during which her eyes do a quick scan of his face. "How are you, Finn?"

Finn doesn't know why such a simple question instantly makes his chest feel tight. "I'm... I'm okay. What about you?"

Gabby doesn't answer right away. She looks different than she did a few months ago. There are bags under her eyes where there weren't any before, and her smile is dimmer than it used to be. It's as if she's aged several years over the last three months.

"Well." She clears her throat. "Life has to go on, doesn't it?"

It sounds about as convincing as the answers Finn gives on a daily basis.

"I'm really sorry," he tells her. "I know you must miss him a lot."

"I do." Her smile wobbles. "But I'm not the only one, am I?"

Finn swallows. He honestly doesn't know how much Oliver told her about him—if she knew what they were. "No," he manages. "You aren't."

"Maybe you'd like to come around for dinner sometime? I know that Milo would love to see you. And so would Dan and I, of course."

The offer is enough to make Finn's throat feel clogged. Dozens of arguments flash in his mind: all the times Oliver tried to keep Finn and his foster family separate. Even months after their break-up, Finn can only guess why.

"Yeah." He offers her a faint smile. "I would like that as well."

"All right. Give me a call whenever." Gabby gives his shoulder a small squeeze and turns around.

She's almost at the end of the aisle by the time Finn works up the nerve to ask: "Gabby? Did Oliver ever talk about me?"

Under the harsh supermarket lights, Gabby Walker's expression is achingly soft. "Of course he did. I don't know what happened between the two of you toward the end but... I know he liked you, Finn."

All at once, Finn's eyes sting with tears. He blinks them away. He's not going to cry at bloody Costco. He's not. "Really?"

"Really." She offers him another smile that somehow makes him feel even more like weeping. "I think he liked you so much, he didn't know what to do with it."

**************************

another angsty one, i'm so sorry </3

i always find therapy scenes so fun to write, so i hope you enjoyed this one as well!

how are you all doing? i am currently in the thick of exam revision and fighting for my life lol. send hopes and prayers

until next week!! today's song is memories by conan gray-- almost every single line applies to these two </3