Since the day I found out who Herb Cookie was, I hated him. I hated him and his stupid little face. I hated him and his ugly hair and his soft personality. I hate that people treat him like a child and i'm sick of every little 'hoohoo!' joke. It makes me want to kill myself. Herb Cookie is the disgusting bane of my existence and I can't properly express my feelings due to him being a fictional character. God I hate him.

It was another normal day of me casually playing Cookie Run Kingdom. I tend to keep my gem count at around 10k and then do a gacha when I have 13k, I like even numbers a lot. I grinded the adventures frequently, leveling up my teams and whatnot whenever I seemed it important. It didn't take long for me to once again reach around 13k gems, and I hopped into the gacha to go ahead and spawn some cookies!

Like always I spammed the skip button because I was usually impatient. But... then I saw the epic cookie thing pop up. Oh? Who could it be?? Let's see their quote!!

Let's... build a tree together?

No. Oh no. Not him... Anyone but him. Not that greedly little white ass herb boy. Who the fuck came up with Herb Cookie anyways? That sounds disgusting as a cookie concept. Why not call him garlic biscuit cookie. I hate Herb Cookie. Seeing his stupid little face makes me want to vomit. It didn't take long before I went through all of the rest of my pulls and then everything seemed to go still. I was so going to fuck with that little herb boy.

I quickly searched around for Herb in my kingdom and when I found him? The torture began. I picked him up and began to swing him all around the screen, imagining his screams as his cookie friends saw his body being tossed around like a ragdoll. It was beautiful. I slung him into the forest, just to watch him reappear back on safe land. Ugh. Why can't I just watch him die? I was pretty upset for a moment until the best idea popped into my head. Oh fuck yeah. Herb was weak and barely had any levels so I eagerly went into the world mad and selected the 4th world, at that point it was the farthest I've gotten. I went into the one level I couldn't beat and removed everyone from my team and placed the ugly rat known as Herb Cookie as the only member of the team.

After pressing play, I watched as he ran into battle and quickly got destroyed by the enemy. Seeing him sad and upset was one of the best things I've seen in a while. I repeated this process around 12 times before my stamina jelly count got pretty low. Yeah I didn't wanna waste too many of those. Let's see... physical torture... mental torture... emotional torture? I'm going to fuck up the lawn. I happily went back into my kingdom and got rid of any portion of grass that was there. Herb didn't deserve grass.

At this point I was pretty satisfied. Seeing him walk around knowing he was probably in so much pain. I want to cut his hair to the scalp, make him look ugly as hell. It's a shame Herb Cookie wasn't real.... A little Herb Cookie in front of me that I could kill? I'd be so happy. It's no fair... why couldn't he be real? I sighed and just went back to slinging Herb Cookie around, making sure he hit every corner at least 20 times. Dumb Cookie. Stupid idiot... stupid... fucking... my slings got faster and more aggressive until he hit the top of my screen and a sudden noise made me jolt from my tablet. What the hell? I stood up and stumbled towards the noise, which was behind some curtains. I pulled them back to see... oh my god. Herb Cookie?

I knelt down and picked up the Cookie to get a better look at him, and noticed he looked like a high definition version of what he looked like in game. He was curled up and shaking... he probably was still injured from everything that happened earlier. I put a smile on my face and picked him up by his leafy hair, he began to wiggle in fear. Oh I knew what was coming next and I think he did too. I was going to become a scientist today.

I looked around and found some thick string and pinned him down with my pointer finger. Herb Cookie was about the size of my hand, from my fingertips to my wrist. Now, was it selfish to keep this all to myself and not tell the world that a literal fictional character was in my room right now? Yes. I wasn't giving him the visibility he didn't deserve. Today he was going to die. Ignore the fact that I could sell him for probably millions.

Shaking my head out of these thoughts, I tied up his little feet and then his hands. His hands were raised above his head, and some people might see this as some weird bdsm shit with a cookie. Hm.... I grabbed my phone and took a few quick pictures of the terrified Cookie. I was going to make Herb beautiful. Digging around in my drawer I pulled out a few more things. Needles, scissors, hydrogen peroxide, some paper, and a tiny spoon. This was gonna be fun.

I put Herb on the piece of paper and watched him struggle. I wasn't a big fan of how wiggly he was.... He was going to make a big mess. I sighed before grabbing one of the few needles that I had pulled out before and stabbed it into Herb's hands, pinning him down. The cry that came from his mouth was really music to my ears. He was in pain, and he was about to be in much more. But first... these clothes were in the way. I grabbed my scissors and began to make cuts into his clothing, peeling them off to see... a pretty human body. It was boxy and stuff but... he had organs. Huh. I guess cookies do have dicks. I shrugged before sliding a tiny finger up to poke at it. It was so small... I looked at His face to see it was pretty red. Aweee.... He was embarrassed! I grabbed my scissors and snipped it right off. No dick for the whole Cookie. He shouldn't be able to reproduce. I placed the tiny cock on a piece of paper and then noticed the blood. It was purple...? Huh. That's odd. Purple blood.

I grabbed a pencil and wrote down some notes, getting pretty happy with the things I've discovered right now. Yknow what would be cooler than cutting off Herb's dick? Opening up his body.

I grabbed one of the other needles and looked up a diagram on how to properly cut open a person's body. I pretty easily cut open his chest and stomach with the Y section cut used for usual human dissections. Now I was having fun, but Herb wasn't. He was crying out like a rat, and his screams were beginning to slowly make your ears ring. He was pretty damn annoying.... You thought for a moment before grabbing a few Qtips and shoving them into his mouth. Now it was just muffled. Good. You peeled open Herb's skin to take a good look at the pretty organs. They were mostly shades of purples, reds, and pinks besides some yellow and greens and... very shimmery and pretty like actual candy. I bet they tasted good.

I smirked when I noticed tiny tears run down Herb's eyes. I ran a dry finger against his cheek and licked it, raising a brow. Oh man. Sugar Water! I hummed happily and then wondered what my next action would be. What would make him suffer the m- oh. Oh yes. I grabbed my scissors and began to play with his cute hair. So fluffy.... I was jealous. Gh. It one quick swoop I decided to say fuck it and cut his hair. Herb had began to wiggle around and scream, but it was kinda cute. I wanted to scalp this fucker.

Nothing was stopping me :)

I grabbed a needle and my scissors and did a very snobby job on taking off his.. Weird cookie scalp. He had a funny looking, purple brain. It made me happy. I hummed to myself as I stabbed a needle into the middle of his brain and Herb went limp! I must have hit something... He was twitching, and his eyes were dotting back and forth. Did I just paralyze this little cookie? It seems so. I found it fascinating how the cookie anatomy worked. Hm... well, I wasn't going to get any reaction out of him anymore... that wasn't fun. I sighed and rolled my eyes before stabbing another needle into his pretty little chest before grabbing my scissors and staring into his little eyes. They only radiated fear. God was it beautiful.... But sadly this was to come to an end sooner or later. With a sparkle in my eyes and a glisten in my teeth, I grabbed his arms and quickly snipped off an arm. My eyes had immediately darted to look at Herb Cookie's, and holy fuck the expression he couldnt make. I cackled wildly and excitedly purred out. His shoulder had immediately begun to leak a purple liquid on the surface I had put him in.

I wondered what it taste like.

I eagerly popped the cookie arm into my mouth and let the blood run down my throat..... Oh yknow what...? It didnt even taste that bad. I smirked a little bit before immediately feeling eager for another piece of that sweet treat that the devil himself gifted me with. I grabbed my scissors, and instead of making this fast, I took this next one slow. I placed his arm inbetween my scissors and slowly cut it off, watching as his cookie skin slid open like a human's. How.... appealing. I crushed through some bone before the other arm had been taken off. I tossed that arm into my mouth too. After that....? Legs! But this time, I didn't want to deal with Herb's bones. I just wanted the sweet, gushy inside. I flipped my scissors over to the blunt handle and struck them down onto Herb's legs. I did that a few times before I was pretty confident they were crushed into little pieces. Nice. I then slid my scissors over both legs and cut them off both at once, my eyes widening at the feeling of something hitting my face. Haha.... His blood squirted over me. That was cute. They were both tossed into my mouth and quickly devoured.

At this point, I couldn't even tell if Herb was dead or not. I hoped he was. But I had no idea if he really was... so in an attempt to make sure he was, I danced my little fingers over his bloody body and placed them over his eyes, which were still both opened, and stuck both of them into his eyesockets. They easily slid through both, and I wiggled my fingers inside the adorable slush of cookie brain. Yeah.... He was dead now.

Finally... the bane of my existence, Herb Cookie, was dead. I removed my fingers from his skull and licked them off. I had also unpinned everything from Herb's body and tore his head from his body, tossing the body into my mouth and swallowing it hole. Herb didn't even look like Herb anymore... god I hoped that Sparkling Cookie could somehow see this. I would find this beautiful... Herb never deserved Sparkling in the first place. Herb was a disgusting being. I sneered as I looked into his barely recognizable face and decided that it didn't deserve the quick way out. I had cupped it in my hand like one would do a surprise and snuck outside past my mom and decently noisy dog. I dropped the head on the concrete and stared at it.

Disgusting.

With one eager drop, I raised my foot and stomped down on the mush of purple and brown. I heard a soft crunch and I knew my duty was done. I eradicated the world from this disgusting piece of shit, and now I was able to live in peace. I moved my foot away and saw a purple and brown mush. I wanted him to be a stain. I stomped on him a few more times before seeing nothing but blood smeared everywhere. Perfect. I ran my hand through my hair and stretched my back, feeling it pop. I quickly headed back upstairs to clean up my mess, ignoring every little comment my mom had asked about the bird. She thought I was holding a bird earlier. Hilarious.

When everything was clean.... I went to my bed and laid on it, grabbing my tablet and loaded up Cookie Run Kingdom. I couldn't wait to watch my silly little cookies wander around having no idea what I did to Herb.... I had first went to Sparkling, finding him fairly easily and zoomed in on him. His smile was sweet.... His hair was bubbly.... God I loved him. I grabbed him and gently shook him, pretending to give him a little pat. My feelings were so bright... and I hadn't even noticed that when I dropped Sparkling in the game, he disappeared. I thought it was a glitch, until I felt a weight make itself apparent on my bed.