Tahimik kong pinagmamasdan ang stylist na abala sa bawat miyembro ng dalawang banda. We evacuated here to the emebellished studio as soon as she arrived. Handa na ang itim na backdrop sa gitna at ang camera sa harap. 

"So what's with your walk out stunt yesterday? I told you, that should be fucking discussed."

Marcus words earned an eye roll from me. Deklarasyon ang mababang tawa niya na hindi nito nakuhang ayaw ko na itong pag-usapan.

"Give it up, Marcus. It's not my tale to tell." I exhaled as I am being reminded by who should be the one to tell him.

Nilipat ko ang aking binti sa ibabaw ng isa ko pang binti. I restlessly moved my legs back and forth in boredom. Nakahalukiphip ako habang nakaupo at katabi si Marcus. Kita ko ang busangot ni Dean na mukhang nahihirapan sa sinusuot niyang belt.

"I think it's your jealousy that was working yesterday. Now that my sister and Dean's status is being announced as official,  let me remind you not to do it again. She'd be in today's photoshoot."

My legs stopped moving. My body froze except for my head that turned to the man beside me. Wala mang tono ng panunuya sa sinabi niya ay pumatak pa rin ang iritasyon ko at sumali sa daloy ng aking dugo.

"Bakit siya kasali? She's not part of the band!" giit ko. And what status is being announced official? 

Nagkibit si Marcus at sinabay ang pag-inom sa water bottle at pagbaling sa akin. "Because she's the girlfriend? May individual shots ulit, then two or three pages would contain the two of them."

The bout of qualms has suddenly joined my blood flow. Dean lied to me? Not that I believed him last night but he never lied to me!

I should further attune myself  that time has changed. People do as well. What they have done to you before would not be done to you again.  And what they have felt for you before...would only now remain as a memory...these kinds of changes.

For that evanescent seconds, my seventeen year old self made way to the here and now. As someone who tends to neglect to value the present time. As the girl who couldn't wait for the time to pass by. Sure, I enjoyed those days, but I think we're  more tend to appreciate the present moment once they'd become the past.  And appreciate them even more when we crave for something to look back to.

"Hindi pa ba tapos? Pakitulungan na ang stylist para makapagsimula na. Glam team, pakibilisan!" Sinundan iyon ng palakpak ng photographer upang paigtingin ang pagmamadali nito.

Not planning to go as deep about Dean and Jillian, I stood up and sauntered to where he is.

"Iyong mga interns nasaan na? Pakibilisan lang please. Niccolo, you're up here first. Si Theone at Dean ay sa hulihan."

Hinawi ko ang humarang na coat rack saka tuluyang nakalapit kay Dean. I snatched the belt that he has a hard time donning on his jeans. Mukhang pati ang kamay niya ay nagulat sa ginawa ko.

Mabigat na hininga ang pinakawalan niya sabay pasida sa kanyang buhok.  "Fix it."

"Aayusin ko na," sabi ko at halos yumakap na sa kanya para lang masuot ang belt sa belt loop sa likod.

I secretly inhaled, medicating my irritation  with his manly scent and whiskey rasp as he breathed in and out. Ramdam ko ang gaspang sa hininga niya dahil tumatama ito sa aking buhok, kinikiliti ang anit ko.

Truly, the belt is really hard to lock. Ilang ulit kong tinanggal ang strap at kinabit ulit sa ring. Habang tumatagal ay lumalayo si Dean at panay hila niya ng singhap at pakawala ng mabigat na hininga. It absorbed my curiosity so I couldn't help but look up at him everytime. Umiiwas lamang ito ng tingin sa seryoso niyang mga mata.

Lumalayo na naman siya kaya biniglang hila ko gamit ang belt hoop.

He gasped in utter surprise, wasn't expecting my action. Kung hindi niya pinigil ang sarili ay matatamaan ako at matutumba kaming dalawa. I ignored the warmth in my cheeks as I realized what I did and the near consequence of it.

"Anong klaseng sinturon ba'to?" I tried to smooth out the wrinkle of awkwardness through talking.

Wala siyang imik. Yet, what was being talkative was the rapid rise and fall of his chest affecting his abdominals. Even with just a shirt, I could tell the slight movement of his upper torso. To follow are the thoughts of toned indentions and his lean hardness carved on his sun-kissed skin. They reflected from the hard features of his face.

Napansin ko ang nakasabit na black wool trench sa sandalan ng silya na nasa likod niya. I then looked at the surroundings to check their status in changing to their costumes. I caught Sky doing the make up all by herself.

"Shit," Dean hissed. Mabilis ko siyang binalingan.

"What is it?" I asked, half-panicking, expecting for him to voice out his pain.

Mukha may dinaramdam siyang sakit sa tahimik niyang pagdaing. He was looking up at the piped ceiling as though asking for it to splash some water to cool his pain down. Red crawled into his neck, and the blatant green veins are threatening to scorch me from inside out.

"Dean, anong nangyayari? Anong masakit?" My panic bar level went full.

"Stop looking the other way and focus on where your hands are touching, Ruthzielle!" Marahas niyang bulong sa akin saka ako dinungaw sa nag-aalab niyang mga mata.

That lion-like rage in his eyes, I don't know what the heat is all about, if it's for irritation or...seduction.

Namilog ang mga mata ko at madaling binaba ang aking tingin. If I were in a sea of shame, I was already drowning and there's no way for me to survive. Any CPR implementations are hopeless seeing where my hands are.

"Uh...Uhm..." Wala akong makapang matinong paliwanag. It was so hard I thought I was holding the belt ring!

"Ano, hindi mo tatanggalin ang kamay mo?" His voice was strained and tortured. Doon ko pa lang nagawang hilain ang kamay ko.

I looked around to see who else has witnessed the fateful seconds. Dahil hindi ako magdadalawang isip na tumakbo at magtago sa pinakamalapit na taguan. Dean's indignation is undeniable from his flaming hot breaths. Dammit!

"Sorry..." Although it was no use. The hand pressing has been done. Kasalanan 'to ng belt ring, e!

"Tsk!"

Ang init ng hininga niya ay sininagan ang hiya ko na nagpanais sa aking iwasan ang kanyang mga mata. May pag-aalinlangan kong binalik ang mga kamay ko sa...belt.

My arms felt so rough and warm. The bulge I am seeing in his pants...could be an erection or the verification of his endowment.  Dammit ! Why should I know?

Dean gasped oh so slowly as if bracing himsef for another batch of my mistake.Tinangay na ng hangin ang iritasyon ko sa kanya kanina dahil sa hiya ko.

I guess seventh's the charm as I successfully linked the damn belt straps together. Nakahinga ako nang maluwang pero hindi pa ganoon katindi. Shame never left me unlike irritation did.

My sensation was pulled by his stare the reason why I could feel it without having to look at him. Hindi ko iyon sinuklian. I made the black wool trench as an excuse when I reached for it on the chair. Hindi pa man ako nakatayo nang maayos ay naghubad na si Dean sa harap ko.

"What..."

It's too late to protest. The lean and toned built has already made my intestines coil. I am face to face with the tattoo all over his chest. A cursive font and from a language that I could barely decipher.

His broad shoulders added definition to his virility aside from his angular jaw and the stubble on his center chin. I looked up to him only to be subdued by the potent hazel greens shading my weakness in lazer red.

The mortification that's still buzzing in my skin should not be the one responsible for this surrender. Kahit noon pa man, pinapanghinaan na ako ng tuhod sa intensidad ng kanyang mga mata. Semi wide and deep set, meant to obliterate bits and pieces of my power. Ngunit sa  tuwing namumungay ay ito ang gusto mong uwian.

My brain fogged from the steam of his body heat. Walang malay ako sa mga segundng nakatunganga. Naramdaman ko ang daliri niyang kinalabit ang pisngi ko.

"Huh?" I blinked several times, as if woken up from a daydream.

Marahan siyang ngumuso bago ibinaling sa iba ang paningin. He dug his hands on his dark skinny jean pockets.

"May dumi sa mukha mo." Tumikhim siya at pumormal ang tindig.  

Dumulas ang mga mata niya sa akin at nang makitang nakatingin pa rin ako ay daig pa ang kisapmata sa bilis ng pag-iwas ng tingin. I saw the tip of his tongue wetting his bottom lip before biting it. I contained my shiver by that simple but rousing  move.

Inikot ko ang mukha sa salamin at tinignan ang sarili.

"Wala naman." Nanliit ang mga mata ko. No sign of dirt in my face.

"Tinanggal ko na."

Wala akong mahagip na dahilan sa bigla kong pagngisi. My cheeks warmed not because of chagrin this time. Tinulungan ko siyang isuot ang wool trench at hindi ito binutones. His naked torso is so attractively distracting.

"You could have just told me about it, Dean. No need for an excuse to touch my face," sabi ko habang inaabot ang kwintas na isusuot niya.

As he slightly hunched for me to easily wear the men choker necklace on him, I caught his angled furrowed brows directed to me.

"That's not an excuse. May dumi talaga sa mukha mo," giit niya.

"You sound defensive. Binibiro lang kita."

"It looks like you don't believe me."

Nagkibit ako. "Now you know how it feels."

Namilog ang mga mata niya sa gulat nang hinawakan ko siya sa balikat at tinulak paupo sa silya. The chair was slightly dragged backwards due to the impact.

Lihim akong natawa. His stare contemplated between sheer shock and anticipation as if I'm going to do something venereal to him. Akala niya kakandong ako sa kanya? He may have only worn an unbuttoned coat as a top showcasing the result of his condo workouts, I still have my self-control intact. Iyong kamay ko lang ang isang beses na nawalan ng kontrol. Hindi na mauulit iyon!

I sat on my haunches and took off his boots. Pinalitan ko iyon ng spiked and studded boots na inabot ng intern.

"Big boots..." Wala sa sarili kong puna habang pinapasok ang lace sa mga butas.

"'Cause I have damn big feet. What's there to smile about, Ruth?" The irritation in his tone should be an alarm but I didn't heed to it.

Sumasakit ang panga ko sa kakapigil ng ngiti. Sinasaksak na ng dila ko ang ilalim ng aking pisngi.

Umiling ako at kinagat ang aking labi, trying as I might to focus on what I'm doing.

"You would go with Theone later?" he suddenly asked in sheer whisper. I could still trace the wake of his irritation that for sure would resurrect anytime from now.

Sandaling kumunot ang aking noo. So far Theone hasn't mentioned that a dinner would happen tonight. Wherever Dean got this information, he had been misled.

"What is it to you? Single naman ako." Imbes na sinabi ko. Naitali ko na ang lace ng unang boot. I'm on for the second one.

"You're not," he said as if he knew better than me.

"Says who?"

"Sino iyong sinabihan mo ng I love you sa phone?"

My playful smile vanished. Hinahanapan ko ng pagseselos ang tono ng tanong niya ngunit sa mga inaasal niya nitong nakaraan ay mahirap itong mahagip. Kung hindi man naitagong mabuti ay baka wala naman talaga. I could smell an accusation perfume rather than the sweet scent of jealousy.

"It's Arrow. Sue's six year old son,"mahina kong ani.

Ninakaw ko ang sandaling wala siyang imik upang mas gumastos pa sa pag-iisip habang nagtitipid ang mga kilos ko. This is my snatched up chance for him to get to the bottom of why he thought I meant to ditch him that fateful day. Kahit hindi niya pa rin maintindihan, at least, I told him the truth. I owe him that.

" Iyong...pupuntahan sana kita sa parola." I stopped and my eyes flicked up to him. "I found out that she's pregnant."

Hatred briefly left his hazel irises when comprehension dawned on his hard gorgeous face. Out of the blue, I got overwhelmed by history as I was taken back to the days where once treasured memories weren't corrupted by aversion. Before I gave my last withering self worth to work for him.

I love him notwithsatnding  his arrogance and he has loved me the same for my impatience. We could never call ourselves kind. We talked ill about other people. It never occurred to me that he adored me for my good qualities. But we rave about each other to burst our pride. I was never the good girl. He was ever the bad guy. But in the end, we love and we were loved. I love him.

Just when I thought I would get what I'm here for, he sucked in a deep breath, closed his eyes and went straight to his room of shutting out.

Nanginig ang sarado niyang mga mata, tila nanlalaban pang dumilat. His lashes quivered and his jaw ticked as he does. Marahan na pumarte ang bibig niya, ambang magsasalita ngunit naudlot sa pagpasok ng bagong panauhin.

"Hey! Finally! You're here." Maligayang salubong ng photographer. Nagbeso ang dalawa at masiyang kamustahan. "Lani, Jaillin's here! Bihisan na siya."

Dahan dahan akong tumayo habang pinasidahan ang itsura niya. In her highwaist shorts, ang mapuputi niyang binti ay tila humaba dahil sa black knee high boots na suot nito. A black loose long sleeved top  made her frame look slimmer. Hair's in loose waves and she's sans make-up.

Nilapitan siya ng stylist at nagbatian na tila matalik na magkaibigan. I guess she's complementing her look. I sneered.

According to what I heard, she's everyone's bestfriend when in highschool she could even barely make a single person sit with her on lunchtime.

Naramdaman ko ang pagtayo ni Dean sa likod ko. Hindi ko siya binalingan lalo na't naalala kong magkakasama pa ang dalawa sa photoshoot mamaya. He knew how it would make me feel and watching me get affected,  he might use that to his advantage.

"Have you started yet? Where's Dean?" I heard her ask laced with that annoying innocence.

Displeasure started to hammer in my skull. I was about to turn back but only stopped by our eyes meeting. Or...not, when I realized that she was smiling ear to ear. Apparently, that smile isn't meant for me. How heartbreaking.

Nanatili ang tingin niya habang papunta rito. Halos matapon ako sa gilid nang dinaanan niya ako't tinamaan ang aking balikat!

I gasped and I looked at her, horrified. Curse words sat at the edge of my tongue. Naging mitsa iyon ng aking pasensiya!

Umaapoy ang aking paghingal. Dean was intently looking at me while Jillian's in his arms in a tight embrace. My resting bitch face went to back me up so he'd never know how full my bar of rage is on. It's on the red level so that should set them a code of alarm.

"You look great as always, Dean. Kaiinggitan na naman ako ng mga kasamahan ko sa Trendsetters." She giggled before letting go.

Trendsetters. Name of the group of girls who perfoms on that Sunday variety show. Iyon ang sinabi sa akin ni Erika.

Umikot si Jillain upang maharap ako.  Nahihilo ako sa nakakasulasok niyang perfume. I'd die before trying that scent out.

Her puppy love smile crushed upon finally acknowledging my presence na sa tingin ko naman ay sinadya niyang balewalain kanina. Ako pa ginawang tanga. What is she trying to fight for acting that way, I wonder.

Umigting lang ang katanungan na iyon nang makita ko kung paano niya kinuha ang kamay ni Dean sa likod upang ipulupot sa baywang niya. My brows, without meaning to do so, reached for the ceiling. I used every weapon in my arsenal to calm my impatience down and in the name of all that's holy, it tops my list on the hardest thing to do right now.

Before the worst could happen, Dean's hands snaked away from her hold and land them on her shoulders instead. As if that made me feel better which it didn't.

"Ruth, I need a glass of whiskey."

In this time of the morning? Anyway, I made that a way for me to see out. Tumalikod na ako para sa bag na dala laman ang mga kailangan niya.

"Dean, I keep on reminding you to stop taking it too much..."

I slowed on my tracks. Dean doesn't like to be controlled. He doesn't like to be told so what's his deal putting up with her? Could it be that girlfriend rumor is true? Ayaw kong maniwala. Hindi pwedeng pumatol si Dean sa kanya!

Pinagsalin ko pa rin siya sa paborito niyang inumin gamit ang basong pabor din sa kanya. I was almost sitting on that desk in the mirror as I reached Jack to him.

"You should stop drowning him with that drink—"

"I'm not under your command so I only follow those who I am contracted to work for," I cut her off, unable to reign my temper in.

Jillian's hand was within an inch of stopping me from handing the glass to Dean but I beat her to it. Mabilis kong nailayo ang baso sa kanya at doon kinuha ni Dean.

"But being his P.A, it's also your responsibility to look after his welfare—" she was cut when I stood up.

Nanliit ang mga mata ko sa kanya. Nothing has changed between us inspite of where she stood right now. Almost at the inner circle of stardom, being one of the stars while I am this temperamental assistant with a habit of insulting people I don't like. Her fame status will never intimidate me knowing where she's coming from.

Mariin ko siyang tinitigan. How I hope you burn under my scrutiny, little girl.

"Gusto mong manermon? Mag-utos ka ng mas bata sa 'yo."

I'd get an eye sore just from the sight of her. Umikot ako at sinuri na lang ang sarili sa salamin.  Nag-apply ako ng nude lipstick dahil mukhang namumutla na ako sa iritasyon ko.

I don't care how she would treat that. Hindi rin naman niya ako makukumpronta. Fighting with me might only end her mounting career and I am not to blame.

May sinasabi si Dean na hindi malinaw sa aking pandinig. And Jillian as being the new girl that she is, sounded so eager as she agreed to something to what he's just said. Ang kalabog ng pangangamba sa dibdib ko ay walang kapantay.

"Sure, I'll get it for you. Seriously Dean, you don't need a P.A when I am here to provide for what you need."

Marahas ang pagtakip ko sa lipstick. Gusto niyang umepal? E mag-apply siyang P.A. ni Dean! Nag-artista pa siya. Agawan pa ako ng trabaho.

Halos basagin ko na ang salamin sa mga mata ko habang tinitignan kung paano niya sinusuklay ang buhok ni Dean na hindi ko mabasa ang reaksyon. Nakakunot ang noo niya habang tinatali ang lace ng boots na hindi ko pala natapos kanina.

"Haba ng buhok natin Dean, noh? Sabi ko sa 'yo magpagupit na tayo, e." si Cash nang lumapit ito.

Taas noo akong umalis doon at walang balak lumingon. Despite myself, my steps brought me to Neon Theone. Naroon si Sky na nakikipag-asaran sa isang miyembro na siyang kinukuhanan na ng shots ngayon sa itim na back drop.

Ngumiti ako nang matagpuan ang mga mata ni Theone. He blinked a few times before his mouth pulled into an adored smile.

"Need help?" Tinango ko ang buhok niya nang maupo sa mesa sa harap. He's sitting on a chair infront of me.

"Uhm..." He looked frustrated by his hair. Ngumuso siya at sinubukang abutin ng paningin ang hibla ng kanyang buhok. "Hindi ko alam kung alin ang mas bagay."

"Anong look ang gusto mo?" I asked with a purpose.

Ayokong gamitin iyong tao upang galitin si Dean ngunit ayaw ko rin namang manatili kung nasaan siya ngayon. So I should mean it when I asked with an intention to help Theone.

"Is spiky good for me? O iyong may bangs?"

Wala sa sariling napakagat sa bottom lip, I checked what the stylist has for him. A casual striped button down beneath the black velvet coat and skinny slacks. A classic take that still screams rock and roll. 

"Hmm...let me. Lapit ka rito." Sumenyas ako.

Agad siyang sumunod at inusog ang silya sa aking harapan. Wala sa sariling tinukod niya ang kamay sa aking lantad na tuhod. In my A-line denim skirt, the end of the cloth pulled up to my thighs the reason why his hand touched on my skin.

I know he didn't mean trouble and was just being carried away by our conversation. Marami siyang kwento habang inaayusan ko ng buhok . His humor set me laughing. Sinusulyapan ko rin ang kamay niya at wala namang ginawang masama kaya hinayaan ko na.

"There's a newly opened Italian resto nearby. I hope you could join me for dinner. I know the owner, sana lang maka-discount ako." He smiled.

"Hindi pa ako sumusweldo." Bahagya kong tawa.

Pabiro niya akong pinanliitan ng mata. "Did I say na ikaw ang magbabayad? And I don't do Dutch treat. It's all on me."

He treads between humility and confidence. I like people in the likes of him. Easygoing and non-judgemental.

There' s no reason for me to turn down his invitation. It's just dinner at hindi ko iyon binibigyan ng malisya.  If these people around were really that fond of him then I don't see why I can't be.

Tumango ako at ngumiti. "Sure. I like Italian."

Nakakabinging pagbasag ang nagpahinto sa kalahatan. Absolute silence settled other than the echo of the glass that shattered on the tiled floor. It bled amber liquid and it was all from Dean's direction.

Nasa harap si Jillian at nakatakip sa kanyang tenga. She looked as scared as how the rest of us are confused and taking fright. Umatras siya nang padarag sa pagtayo ni Dean na nagmartsa patungo sa gitna.

"I want my shots be taken right now! Kailan pa ba sila matatapos?" His voice thundered it outstretch to the tiniest bones in my ribs. 

He's nothing but an animal who was all set to lunge at his preferred meat. Ang tangkad at presensiya niya ang nagmando sa amin na tumingala sa kanya. I'm not sure but I think a guyliner was being traced under his eyes. That made him even more vicious. Intensely vicious. Like a vampire craving for a sip of blood.

Mahinahon siyang kinakausap ng photographer na kanina lang ang siyang nagpakita ng inip. But he's nothing against Dean's anger that I couldn't begin to compare to that level and the way he looked at me in aversion when we first met after seven years.

"Tell me what to do nang matapos na!" muling sigaw nito. He raised his hands in the air to emphasize his frustration or what.

Pumameywang siya nang may sinabi ulit ang photographer. That madness is still claiming him, without having to see his face I could tell by the erratic rise and fall of his shoulders.

"We still have our rehearsals. And Theone." Pumihit siya at binalingan ang nakatayo nang si Theone. He panicked, too. "Walang aalis mamaya. We will have our duet rehearsal for the festival.  Sa Vinyl ang practice." Malamig, may rahas at dapat sundin.

"But..."

"Say no or you' re out!"  He shouted before he stepped into the back drop.

Theone looked so shocked and disheartened he couldn't even look at me. The rest of the people dragged their silence. Hindi alam kung saan babaling, sa sumigaw o sa sinigawan.

Sa pakikipagusap ay bulungan na lang dahil nakakulong pa sa galit ni Dean. It was never easy when he's in rage like that. 

"Don't start with me, Jillian."

Papalapit ako sa back drop at ito ang narinig ko. Jillian is already in her outfit. Mukha siyang walang suot na pang-ibaba at tanging coat at knee high boots lang. And since her maroon velvet coat was closed only on the bottom button, her cleavage was hanging out, almost revealing his whole boobs like its trying to third wheel.

"Okay...let's start."

Umupo na si Dean sa one seater sofa. He lifted up his legs on the left arm rest while he leaned his back on the other one.

Inayos ng hairstylist ni Jillian ang kinulot nitong buhok bago siya umupo sa kandungan ni Dean. Ang lantad na parte ng kanyang legs ay may bronzer so she has to look tan for the whole session.

Napuno na ng mga nakakasilaw na click ng camera at mga pagpuri galing photographer na parang walang nangyari. May iba rin na mga empleyado na fan ng dalawa ang kumukuha ng litrato sa kanila. I saw one of them who posted it on Instagram.

I heard Marcus telling some people that Dean's behavior a while ago should not extend to the media. Paanong hindi kung may kumukuha ng video para sa isang documentary? And at least two showbiz columnists are here!  I thought the purpose of the press is for us to have a freedom of speech but I guess that was all there is to it. The freedom of speech, not the freedom of truth.

Isang intern ang nag-abot kay Dean ng sigarilyo. It was part of the shoot. He has to smoke it which I'm sure won't be a problem to him and he has to look at the camera in his intense smoldering hazel green eyes traced with the guyliner.

" Okay...that was gorgeous!" The photographer lauded. "Jaillin, you have to straddle Dean."

"What?" Ako lang ang nag-react. 

Habang nire-retouch si Jaillin ay tumatango siya sa sinabi ng photographer.

"You lean your body on him, then part your lips a little na parang hinihinga mo iyong usok na binuga ni Dean. Then you touch his abdominals, okay? Give me your hottest poses so we can wrap this up quickly."

"What? No..." Sinabayan ko iyon ng iling. I'm all boiling with revolution! Umiinit ang mukha ko sa inis!

Nilingon ako ng isang intern na tinaliman ko ng tingin. I bet she's a fan of them and I hate her already.

Tinignan ko si Dean at wala man lang pagbabago sa kanyang galit na mukha. Ewan ko kung ganon pa rin ang nararamdaman niya o pinapraktis na niya ang 'hottest pose' na ihihirit niya sa camera.

They all swam through the wave of the instruction. While I did nothing but watch them do their steamiest poses which would probably give me one week worth of nightmares.

Magkalapit na ang mga labi nila, halos katulad ng mga katawan nilang nagdikit na.  Jaillin's knee was already on the sofa, with her butt out, and is totally straddling Dean. And Dean! God forbid! He is wearing an open buttoned coat allowing them to feel each other's skin. His animalistic look, I hope that didn't have to do with him feeling her silicon-filled cleavage. 

Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko. Hindi matantiya ang nakikita ay tumalikod ako at naghanap ng kausap. I saw Marcus first so I went to him.

"O, kaya pa?" pang-aasar niya.

Sa kitten heels ko ako nakatingin habang nakahalukiphip. Flashes of camera just remind me of the ongoing photoshoot so I needed the human conversation.

"Iyong mga balita tungkol sa ibang babae...totoo ba iyon, Marc? In the depth of their close relationship, how did the people judge him with these rumors of other women?" wala sa  sarili kong tanong.

"You haven't read any articles." His tone was between a question and a conclusion.

"Not a single one."

Nilingon ko siya. The photographer wants another steamy pose for them again. Paghubarin na lang kaya niya ang dalawa kung gusto niya ng steamy.

"Hindi ko rin alam." Marcus looked pensive as he was watching the shoot. "Dean won't talk about it while I was the one who keeps on trying to clean his name. Damn kid. All he cares about is music, yah know." Umiiling siya.

Hindi pa rin ako tumingin. Dean was asked to sit properly on the sofa this time like a fucking king, and Jaillin would be at the back of the chair, with one knee-high boot foot raised on the backrest for it to step on Dean's thigh.

The imagination wounded my brain it bled green.

Napansin ni Marcus ang pagpikit ko at bahagya kong panginginig. I thought that not looking at them was better. But imagining it, I realized, got it worst for me.

"I guess mother has somethig to do with the rumors about them," aniya, siguro nakuha na ang pangangailangan ko ng distraction. "I've known Jaillin to have a huge crush on Dean. Hindi rin naman tinanggi ni Dean ang balita kaya nag-assume na rin ang mga tao."

"Bakit sila na –link?"

Bumuga siya ng hininga at inadjust ang pagku-krus ng mga braso sa dibdib. "When the media got hold of mom's story. It blew the whole thing out of proportion."

"What story?" I asked, umaangat na ang tono ng kuryosidad.

"That they were highschool sweethearts. There are pictures of them together in highschool. And together with Dean's parents.The Ortigoza's. It blew every social medias and upraised likes in their fan pages."

"Are you shitting me?" Hindi ko mapigilang mag-hysterical.

People turned to me but seeing I'm just  a nobody but Dean's assistant, they resumed to their business.

Muli kong binalingan si Marcus. It may not be his fault but I can't help but put my blame on everyone that's part of the branch of his family tree. 

"I was Dean's highschool sweetheart!" mahina ngunit mariin kong giit. "Isa-isahin mo pang tanungin ang mga schoolmates namin sa St. Louis!"

Dalawang kilay niya ang umangat at bagsak ng balikat na pinag-isip pa ako kung dahil ba sa awa, pag-intindi o pagod.

"Tell that to the masses, Ruth. See if the majority would believe you."

"And your sister believed that she's Miss Seventeen?" I taunted. "Inalukan ba siya ng singsing ni Dean?"

Nilingon niya ako dala ang pagdidikit ng mga kilay niya.

"Did he offer you a ring?" he asked in caution, as though trying to weigh the truth in my expression, or waiting for me to give away the signs of lying.

"Yes!"

"Then you are Miss Seventeen," kaswal niyang pagkakasabi saka muling binalingan ang photoshoot. "Pero ang pinapaniwalaan ng karamihan ay ang inaakala nilang totoo. Hindi iyong ginigiit mong totoo. They would deny the truth just to make this non-truth to not become a lie. Welcome to showbiz, Ruth."

I huffed. Who says I'm in for this?

I felt that Marcus believe me more than his sister. Ngunit hindi na lang niya pinapakealaman ang bagay na ito lalo na't pamilya sila. And as long as Dean's reputation is safe,  no one would bother to rectify, not with how favorable as a lie this is. Because maybe most truths are ugly. While the lies that we mostly believed sounded as pretty. 

It is easier to lie extremely when its benefits outweighed more than what there is in the truth. Kaya siguro iyong iba minsan ay hindi na nagpapakatotoo. Dahil mas katanggap-tanggap ang pinapaniwalaan nating totoo.  

"Who spread that rumor?" tanong ko at doon pa lang ay tinitiris na sa isipan kung sino.

"Mom, maybe." He shrugged.

Hinila ko lahat ng karagdagang mga rason sa poot ko sa kanya habang mapait na natatawa. How dare she.

"Mahal na mahal talaga niya 'yang kapatid mo, noh?" sarkastiko kong sabi at may halong pait."How come you two weren't close?"

"We're half siblings." Wala sa sarili niyang sagot.

I froze. Nilingon ko siya, nanghihingi ng karagdagang salita.

"My mother died. Mommy Elena stepped in. They had  Jaillin. So we're half siblings." 

"Paano sila nagkakakilala ng daddy mo?" Inuugoy na ako ng sariling kaba. I sound scared in my own ears and hopeful at the same time.

"I dunno. I'm not interested." And that reflected from Marcus's reaction. "But I overheard from somewhere forgotten that...they used to be tight friends. At the end of college, my parents married. So maybe when she heard of my mom's passing, they decided to get back together."

Hirap akong lunukin ang mga nalaman. Confusion ate my system. Hindi ko pa matagpi lahat ngunit ramdam kong may mali.

Pumikit ako at umiling. I don't know how  to start tracing from Marcus's statement down to my childhood.

"Are they married, Marcus? Elena and your father?"

Sinulyapan niya ako, tila naweweirduhan sa aking pang-uusisa ngunit ayaw ipahalata. "I was the ring bearer when they got married."

Kinagat ko ang aking labi upang itago ang panginginig ng mga ito. This is why I couldn't find a single wedding picture of them. This is why my father never talked about why they separated. Why it was so easy for him to let her go. This is why! She...God!

"How old are you? Ilang taon ka nang kinasal sila?" Pahina nang pahina ang aking tinig hanggang sa naging bulong na sa huli.

Tila may kumukulo sa aking lalamunan, ang umaakyat  na hikbi. Hindi ko siya matignan sa nanghahapdi kong mga mata.

"I'm twenty eight now. I was seven when they tied the knot.  But they've already been engaged prior to that for three years, I guess. Ba't mo natanong?"

Umiling ako at tinalikuran ang lahat.  Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Nagkandabuhol buhol na ang nasa isip ko. My instinct told me to call my sister. I have to. I wanted to talk to my father!

"What did you do, Marcus?" rinig ko ang galit sa sigaw ni Dean.

"I didn't do anything! We were just talking."

Dire-diretso ang pagmartsa ko paalis ng studio. I started sweating from the war raging inside of me. Kung uuwi ba ako, tatawag o mananatili rito hanggang sa hindi ko na kaya. Nagawa kong itayo ang sarili sa muntik ko nang pagkakatumba. Nanghihina pa ang aking mga tuhod. 

Lumiko ako at nakita ang hinahanap na exit door. Wala pa akong natutukuran ay tumakas na ang hikbi at naging hagulhol. Tinukod ko ang sarili sa railing ng hagdan at naupo, inuugoy ang sarili sa iyak na umaalingawngaw sa buong exit room.

My whole life is a lie. Sana hindi ko na lang inalam. Sana hindi na ako nagtanong. Because at this point, I knew I got the ugly truth. That I am possibly an illegitimate child. I never belonged to a legal family.

Hiyang hiya ako sa sarili ko. I was so confident insulting other people. I was all head up high while putting Jillian down when all along, ako itong katawa-tawa. Ako itong dapat inaapi mula noon pa.

The door opened. The scent that I am accustom to attacked my senses, trying to medicate my emotions. I thought the tears in my eyes would send Dean away. Ngunit mas lalo siyang lumapit na tila gusto niya maging parte ng kalungkutan ko.