Hindi ko alam ang uunahin ko. Helping tita Sonya clean the mess I made is tempting but what tita Bianca said nailed my feet on the floor. My need to move seems to be edible for my weakness to swallow it.

"B, I told you not to say it just yet!" Tita Sonya's frustration is undeniable.

Iling siyang nagbalik sa pagpupulot ng mga piraso ng nabasag kong dessert stand at mga kawawang cupcakes.

Dumudugtong sa humahabang lubid ng kalabog sa puso ko ang bawat tama ng mga basag sa isa't isa. May this be for anger, confusion, longing, hurt...but what ever this means, awareness caught me by this one thing that reigned at the uppermost of my emotions. Resentment.

Trying to lift my feet feels heavy as the truth has its way to sap my knees. I let this all sink in to drive me to anger so I could move! Pero imbes ay binubusog ako ang kahinaan sa paglamon sa akin nito.

"Ruth is approaching young adulthood so eventually the truth would come to her knowledge." Tita Bianca paused. Ramdam ko ang bigat ng sitwasyon sa malalim niyang buntong hininga. "Lalo na't doon din mag-aaral ang batang iyon..."

Lupaypay man ang boses niya sa huling sinabi ay hindi ito pinalagpas ng pandinig ko. It's beyond audible. It's another bomb being launched at my ears. Nahimigan ko rin ang hindi niya pagsang-ayon sa pangyayari.

I wasn't even done processing all of these then this came up? That other daughter is going to our school? Nananadiya ba siya? 

Natanto kong wala na ang kaninang ingay sa labas. Bumaha ng mga yapak papasok sa kitchen kasabay ang ugong ng kanilang pagtataka na unti-unting naglaho nang makita ang lumilibot sa aking kalat.

"What's happening, mom?" Mandy asked. Mabagal siyang lumapit habang sinusuri ang nililinis ni tita Sonya.

Seeing her confusion, nothing clued me in that she knows something. O kung meron man, magaling nilang naitago iyon.  While realizing my grandmother's expression just a while ago announces that she knew. At alam niyang malalaman ko ngayon. That look of sympathy equaled to a smooth threat so as not to terrify me.

Ang sana'y pagtanaw ko sa labas para kay lola ay naudlot at lumihis kay Dean. I couldn't entertain the question in his eyes. He can see right through me. With those eyes I feel that it could read beyond the depths of my soul.

Ngunit umiwas ako at tumulong sa pagliligpit ng mga nabasag sa kabila ng kagustuhan kong tumakbo sa kanya at sabihan siya sa lahat. I wanted to pour everything to him, especially with that look that is inviting me to vent and a promise that he would listen.

"Ako na rito, Ruthzielle," pigil ni tita Sonya sa aking kamay. "You go with your tita Bianca at kakausapin ka niya."

May inutusan siya sa ibang mga pinsan ko na gawin ang trabahong dapat ako ang gumawa. My cousin didn't hesitate and act what she was told.

Hindi ako nagpapigil imbes ay humina lang ang aking mga kilos. Sa panghihina ko at panginginig ng aking kamay ay hindi ko pa kayang maglabas ng galit sa ngayon.

"Is she here?" tahimik kong tanong. 

She knows who I'm talking about. And I couldn't even say her name. I couldn't even call her 'mother' without leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.

Marahang tinapik ni tita ang kamay ko, hindi upang ako'y itaboy kung 'di isa itong panghihimok.

"Umakyat ka na..."

Nang walang pamimilit sa kanyang tono ay napatayo pa rin ako. I wanted to help her clean my mess aware that I'm being at fault. Pero wala rin naman siguro akong maitutulong.

Seeing the broken pieces of the glass stand, the cupcakes that were seemed left abandoned and tortured, makes me feel that I ruined this for them. Our family issue ruined the whole ocassion. 

I am leaving something breakable again. And whenever I return, it's already been fixed. I never pitched in into having them restored. Bumabalik ako na parang okay lang ang lahat. Na parang wala akong sinira o tinapos. I leave things messy and undone and I let other people clean my shit like it's a habit.

We can never decide how we should be. I couldn't change the fact that I am made this way. I am made to leave things broken behind me. I tend to abandon falling debris when the fun fades and when it can no longer entertain me.

Ang isipin na pinalaki ako sa ganitong paraan, na parang hinahayaan lang na hindi kumilala ng responsibilidad, ay naghahatid ng kirot sa puso.

Parents are there to guide us, but it will always be the children's decision to do either the good or the bad. Hell if I don't admit that my father lacks in the guiding department. Pero nagkulang lang siya. I still do credit him for being the good father as he is.

Siguro pwede kong pag-aralan kung paano baguhin ang sarili ko. I don't want to leave things behind anymore. I hate my mother's ways. I hate my mother's decision. I hate my mother and I don't care if a line of her blood is being drawn within me.

Naghihintay na sa akin si tita Bianca sa gitna ng hagdan. I feel like the whole world is watching how I approach her to follow wherever she wants to talk. Nagpatiuna si tita at nakayuko nakong sumunod. Walang tinitignan ni sino. Kahit si Dean.

Huminto si Tita Biana sa tapat ng pinto ng library. Una niya akong pinapasok at siya'y pinanatiling bukas ang pinto.

"Alam po ba ni lola?" tanong ko habang tinutungo ang malaking bintana.

Hinawi ko ang kurtina na naglalantad sa courtyard na parte ng entrance ng bahay. Ang mga uhaw na anghel ay nagpakasasa sa tubig hatid ng fountain na tinatayuan nila.

I heard her approach until I felt her beside me.

"She was the last to know before you. Halos naghisterikal si mama."

Kahit naman ako ay halos yumanig ang mundo. Never in my worst imaginations have I envisioned this day. To know that I have a half-sister that sprouted out from the abandonment of my mother.

Alam kaya ni dad ang tungkol rito? Is this why he doesn't want to talk about her? Because he had accepted her endgame? Having a kid from another man and had thought that he can't do anything about it?

Kung ganon man, inaamin kong naging duwag si daddy. His being too good had caused him of being weak and coward. A string of questions filled my musings like how many times my mother had thought of leaving before she put the plan into effect. Or was it her first attempt and dad just watched her go?

Maybe this is why I am who I am today. Influenced to be the way I am from internal factors called family and home. Between being good and being strong, I will choose being strong. I chose strength. Being good subjects you to cowardice. You have the tendency to lose and you're okay with it since it is a segment to benevolence. Ang mababait ay mapagparaya. So you just let things happen as they are. You don't go aggressive. You don't choose drastic measures to get what you want. To have what you wanted back.  Who you wanted back.

I don't want to be the good one and let other people have what I should be having. And let other people have what I should deserve more.

But choosing doesn't mean owning. At times when we choose, we can only just hope for it. We cannot own what and who we choose to have. So I can only hope for being strong. I can only hope to have enough strength. I need my master key.

Nag-iba ang anyo ko sa biglang pagsulpot ng dalawa sa fountain. Those two emerged like growing mushrooms out of nowhere. Umupo siya sa gilid ng fountain habang nakahalukiphip si Belle sa harap niya.

Ayaw kong paniwalaan ang nakikita ko habang tinititigan siya. Who would have thought that my kind of reunion would turn out to be a surprising revelation.

"Anong pangalan niya?" Naninikip ang dibdib ko sa sariling tanong.  Siguro ay dahil may kaugnayan siya sa taong ugat ng aking sama ng loob.

"Jillian Lopez."

Gumalaw ang labi ko't handa nang umismid. Is that my mother's new surname, too?

"She looks like her, except the hair and face shape."

While I only carry one trait from her DNA. Sue has the eyes and that's it. While Jillian is more prominent as Elena's daughter than me and my sister who took after our forefathers.

Nanatili ang tingin ko sa courtyard kahit umikot si Tita Bianca upang maharap ako. In her several sighs, parang ang dami niyang gustong sabihin ngunit nililimitahan niya. In her silence, I assume she was classifying on what to say and what not to spoil.

"Ruth, just remember not to take this out on her. Wala siyang alam tungkol sa inyo ni Sue, or her previous family."

Kung nagulat ako kanina ay naging mas pa ito ngayon na dumagdag lang sa sama ng loob ko. If that's the case then it's like we never exist at all!

"Wala talaga siyang balak na balikan kami tita?" Nagtitimpi kong tanong. Ang namumuong galit ay nag-iipon sa kuyom kong kamao.

Dumugtong ang mga imahe sa tanong ko. Imahe na posibleng mangyari sa oras na magtagpo ang landas namin. What would I say to her apart from voicing out my anger? Siguro ay purong tanong lang din ang maibabato ko sa kanya.

Ang de-kurtinang itim na buhok ni Jillian ay dumulas sa kanyang balikat nang yumukod upang damhin ang tubig sa fountain. I saw Belle's displeasure and boredom. Nagtawag pa ito sa loob upang palitan siya sa kanyang puwesto bilang tour guide.

Kumunot ang noo ko at anhg tibok ng tanong ang nagpatuwid sa akin.

"Where will they stay? Hanggang kailan sila rito?"

I was supposed to add asking her whereabout, at bakit ang anak lang ang narito? Where is the father? Bakit siya bumalik? But I filtered the questions on what to ask to tita Bianca and what to blame to my mother once our paths would cross.

"They'd occupy this house, para na rin may kasama si mama. And I'm afraid to say...they're staying here for good. Sa pasukan ay mag-aaral si Jillian sa pinapasukan mong eskwelahan She just got enrolled last week."

Words froze in my parted mouth. Ang mukha ng galit na dapat para sa ina ko ay naihatid ko kay tita Bianca. I want her to turn out to be my mother so I can shoot her with my questions and  she would bleed answers.

Naabutan ko pa ang umukit na pagintindi at pagsuko sa mukha niya bago siya bumaling sa labas. It's like her wisdom has shrunk, too.

"I understand your grievances, Ruth. Even me as her sister is taking exception to her actions. It was unsound and way beyond me. Pero hindi rin natin siya mahuhusgahan hangga't hindi natin alam ang dahilan niya."

Wala sa sarili akong umiling bilang pagkatawan sa salitang hindi ko masabi. I may entertain opinions, explanations and reasons but I will never lend an ear to my mother's pleas. That's if she would bother to try. She was gone for what, for almost ten years? Ngayon pa ba siya hihiling na tanggapin namin siya kung may iba naman na siyang pamilya?

"She left leaving us with something to believe as only a shot in the dark, tita. Kaya paano ako matatahimik?"

Paano ko makakalma ng hinanakit ko? I don't want to live my lifetime wearing hate. Peace of mind doesn't exist in the cage of questions.

"Maybe you're too young to understand these things for now, Ruth." Her tone of sympathy did not slip my hearing, much less help me find my calm.

Do we really have to be older in order to understand the most profound things? I already learned that death doesn't make a person come back to life while young kids just thought that dead persons simply go to heaven. So bakit hindi ko ito maiintindihan? I am not a kid anymore! Is now not the right time for them to make me understand?

The grand epiphany changed my mood for the rest of the holidays. Humila pa ito hanggang sa sumunod na taon at sa pagbabalik ng pasukan.

Expectation is a blank paper except a scribble of seeing the new girl in the campus. My half-sister who has no idea that she has two other existing sisters she should know about.

"May bagong classmate kami. Ngayon pa siya nag-transfer na patapos na ang school year."

Natigil ako sa pagsara ng locker at hinarap si Sue. Her pout announces her displeasure to the transferee student. Namanhid ang kamay ko sa ideyang dumadaloy sa aking ugat.

"Ba't parang ayaw mo sa kanya?" Nakisakay sa tanong ang pagtataka at pag-iingat.

My sister's face twisted as if she ate something sour. Marahas niyang hinila ang umusling tahi sa kanyang bag.

"Nayayabangan ako. Top one daw siya sa ganito...ganyan, math is her bestfriend tss..." Umirap siya't tumabingi ang bibig. "Baliw. Pati subject bini-bestfriend."

Hindi ko makuhang matawa sa pagmamaktol ng kapatid ko gustuhin ko man. Hinahagilap ko pa ang lakas na simulan kung paano ko sasabihin sa kanya. Sue never talked about her, too. Since she left, her name was never breathed again in our home.

Magsasalita na sana ako nang nag-vibrate ang aking cellphone. 

Dean:

Where r u? Our class is done.

I can't bring myself to text him where I am. Pupuntahan niya ako for sure at maaantala lang ang sasabihin ko kay Sue. My courage seems limited, hindi kayang ipagpaliban ito hanggang sa bahay.

"Ate," tumayo ang kapatid ko bago pa ako makapagsalita. "May group project pala kami sa PE kaya hindi ako sasabay pauwi."

Gumilid ako sa paglapit niya upang isaksak ang mga libro sa locker. 

"Anong group project? Saan?"

"Bahay ng classmate ko. Malapit lang sa school."

Kumukuha siya ng gamit para sa sinasabi niyang group project. For some reason, I felt relief for not telling the truth. Kung ganito man kagaan sa pakiramdam ay siguro mabuting hindi ko muna sinabi. I will depend on reliefs and instincts for now. 

Pati bag ko ay gumaan sa paglabas namin ng locker room. I watched my sister joined her friends saka ako nagtipa ng reply kay Dean na nasa labas ako ng school gate. Nang matanggap ang kanyang 'Okay' ay naisip kong hintayin na lang siya rito.

Sinundan ko ng tingin ang bagong dating na gold Buick Enclave na pumarada hindi malayo sa katapat kong tindahan.

Kumunot ang noo ko. Bakit hindi siya pumasok sa school e malaki naman ang space ng parking lot doon.

Hindi na ako hinayaan pang manghula sa pagbaba ng bintana sa driver's seat.

Pagdanak ng lamig ang nagpahintulot sa aking mapako sa kinatatayuan. Sampung taon, at una kong pinansin ay ang itsura niya sa paglipas ng mga taong iyon kesa ang isipin ang kalakip na hinanakit sa kanya.

Sue and Jillian shared her eyes.  Those eyes that held no promise of coming back despite my cries. That smile that not once had been given to me as a child.  That soft honey skin tone that I've always want to inherit but never did. Those proud cheekbones that she held high as she walked out the door. A beautiful woman at her prime.

At nangyari lahat ng pagiging de kalidad niya nang hindi kami kabilang sa bago niyang buhay.

Pinilit ko ang nanginginig kong tuhod na humakbang. Nakalimutan ko na kung nasaan ako sa kagustuhang lapitan siya at hilain laht ng sagot sa tanong kong hindi ako pinatahimik.

My breathing turned rapid as she opened the door. Inasahan kong nakita niya ako at sasalubungin. Because despite my harbored resentment, I still have all these fantasies of us as best of friends, with my sister. As a family with my father. Those images where she combs my hair, tells me bedtimes stories, someoen who listens as I talk about boys...

Natigil ako nang marinig ang bahagya niyang halakhak.

"You're early, mom."

Jillian jogged on her way as she struggled with her bag. Bago pa mahulog iyon ay kinuha na ng ina niya. Her open arms turned useful when she hugged her.

"Can't wait to hear the stories of your first day. How was it?" she asked.

Kung masakit man ang pag-alis niya noon ay hindi ko na ito mailarawan ngayon. Ang sugat ng sampung taon ay bumukas at kinakain ako nang buo ng sakit.

I could never remember a time where she asked about my day. It's because there was never a memory of us being the mother-daughter that we should have been the way she is with Jillian.

Natutop ko ang aking bibig upang makulong ang hikbi. I want to run to my sister so we could cry together. I just feel so alone, rejected, hurt...kasi  bakit? Bakit hindi kami ganyan? Did she hate us? If yes, then why? Why...

I want to hate Jillian. Dahil hindi sa lahat ng oras ay narito ang ina ko't mabuntong ko sa kanya lahat ng hinanakit na nag-ipon ng sampung taon. I want it to be her but would it have made any difference had she not existed?

I could have been holding the cure to war and poverty, my mother won't still come back. Kasi kung may balak siya, matagal na niyang ginawa. Staying with us isn't in one of her options. But still, I couldn't move on.

The effects of change dragged on through the days. Hindi na kailangang sabihin sa akin ni Dean na lately naging masumpungin ako. For someone like him who also has a bit of a temper, he keeps his cool and patience.

Nagi-guilty ako minsan na siya ang tagatanggap ng iritasyon ko. Pero hindi ko talaga napipigilan. When trouble strikes, guilt and a soft heart be damned. 

"Dean naman kasi, umalis ka na nga! Umuwi ka mag-isa!"

Hinampas ko ang notebook sa inis sa pangungulit niyang umuwi na kami. Dapat lumalambot tayo kapag naglalambing ang isang tao. But I'm just so annoyed to the extremes for me to contain a soft heart.

Araw-araw kong inaabangan ang pagdating ng gold Enclave para sa sundo ni Jillian. I saw her again. Everyday for two weeks now. Sa tapat ng library na may mga halaman sa harap ako nagtatago habang pinapanood sila.

Gusto kong magpakita sa kanya na hindi. I just want to find out something. Sa dinami-daming eskwelahan ay dito talaga sa pinasukan ko? She could have chosen another school kung alam niyang dito ako nag-aaral.

Naisip ba niya na wala kami sa Cebu kaya siya bumalik? She could have chosen to live in other places. Philippines has lots of cities to offer for their leisurely living.   Overcrowded na ang Cebu, dapat naghanap siya ng ibang tirahan at pag-aaralan ng anak niya!

Nilingon ko si Dean nang medyo makalma ako. Lalong numipis ang labi niya. Ang igting ng kanyang panga ay tanda ng pagpapasensiya na hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan bago maubos.

My heart squeezes seeing the surrender in his eyes. Bumagsak ang balikat niya pagkatapos ng mahabang buntong hininga. Lalo kong naramdaman ang pagkuyumos ng puso ko sa nakikitang sakit at pagod na pumaraan doon bago siya nagbaba ng tingin.

He has been at the receving end of my shits at tanging ginawa niya ay ang manahimik at unawain ako. I even tried understanding myself. Ayaw ko ring nagkakaganito ako pero may mga bagay talagang hindi napipigilan lalo na ang emosyon. 

I even thought Dean would distance away from me for a while, or for the long haul seeing as how my mood has been. And with Dean's innate impatience, I wouldn't be surprise if he cannot take my shits anymore.

"Okay..." he whispered.

Hindi ko mabasa ang kanyang ekspresyon habang nanghihinang kinuha ang bag niya. I can see how it was like a struggle for him to hang it on his shoulder.

Mabigat ang bagsak sa akin ng panlulumo sa kanyang pagtalikod at dire-diretsong lumabas ng library. Nadagdagan ang lamig sa kanyang pag-alis. He didn't bother look back. Why would he?

That was just the introduction of something that's about to come. Much bigger. Much worse.

"Minsan naiinis ako. Ang bilis maawa ni mama. She's too weak for not letting her patients pay the bills. I mean, she deserved to be paid an obscure amount knowing her patient can afford.

Busangot ang mukha akong nakikinig sa reklamo ni Dean tungkol sa mommy niyang doktor. Matiyagang nakikinig si Cash sa kanya na nagne-nail cutter sa katapat nitong arm chair.

Hindi pa tumunog ang bell ay umuna na ako rito sa classroom. Jillian's all over the place and seeing her would only breed the worst of my mood. Hindi naman ako masamahan ni Erika dahil abala sa manliligaw niya ngayong pasok sa panlasa niya.

So I'm left with these two.

"Your mom must have a lot of money to burn." Si Cash saka ngumisi. "Your family is."

Pumalatak si Dean at sinandal ang likod sa armchair. Ang isang braso niya ay inakbay sa sandalan ng aking silya. 

"I know, but I hate it when she's being like that. Mga ganyan ay madaling maloko. She's too soft hearted. I wanted to shout at her and shake her and tell her that it's okay to be bad sometimes. Ayoko ng sobrang bait. It's somewhat annoying."

Pistols drawn, hindi ako nakatiis at tumayo akong kasama ang sama ng loob. Sa rahas niyon ay napalingon silang dalawa sa akin, already wearing their confused faces.

"You are adopted by your good parents but can you at least be grateful that they took you in? What you call your weak mother didn't abandon you, Dean! Buti nga't pinagtiisan ka nila, e. You should at least thank her for having the courage of putting up with your arrogance!"

Hindi iyon buong sigaw ngunit hinihingal ako. Anger is exhausting.

"Ruth, ano bang nangyayari sa 'yo?"

Ramdam kong sa tanong niya na iyon ay naroon lahat na nag-ipong hinanakit na tiniis niya para sa akin.

Imbes na sagutin ay nagpatuloy ako. Nanginig ang kamao ko sa galit na hindi para sa kanya. Nakaupo na sa dulo ng dila ko lahat ng masasakit na bagay na gusto kong ibato na hindi para sa kanya!

"She cared for you like you're her own damn son when you're not even a part of their bloodline. Kung hindi maawain ang mama mo ay hindi ka niya kukupkupin, Dean. You would probably still be in the orphanage or maybe in the slumps praying for your real parents' attention! She took you in even your rebellion and good-for-nothing band but why are you still complaining?"

Matagal bago rumehistro sa akin ang mga sinabi ko. When I tried to reel my mind back, parang may nagbukas sa loob ko upang maangkin ako ng lamig at kahihiyan.

By the way Dean is looking at me, he didn't like a single word I said. Mukhang may unos siyang hinanda at pasasalakayin niya sa anumang oras na gustuhin niya.

His face turned grim. His jaw clenched tight in disapproval and revolution.

"Alright, good-for-nothing, huh?"

Maraming emosyong naglalaro sa mga mata niya ngunit nanalo roon ang dilim at kalamigan. The intensity cannot be tamed. His walls cannot be crushed.

Pakiramdam ko walang silbi ang paghihingi ko ng tawad kaya hindi ko ginawa. Too weak to speak, all I could afford is breathing his name as if it is holding my salvation.

"Dean..."

"I don't know what's happening to you, Ruth. You knew that I already took notice and yet, you didn't do anything. You're only making this worse than it already is."

The pain surrounding his voice is almost unbearable. Kaya kahit sa mariin kong pagpikit ay nakikita ko pa rin sa dilim kung paano puminta ang sakit sa kanya.

Ramdam ko ang paglabas ni Cash at may ilan pang gustong pumasok sa classroom. I  heard the door closed, kaya nasabi kong pinigilan sila.

I can hear nothing but Dean's breathing and my rapid heartbeat.

"Are you sick of me?"

Kinagat ko ang labi ko at umiling. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako mas nasaktan, sa boses niya o sa tanong.

Dumilat ako at nakita ang paggalaw ng kanyang sapatos. Mahinahon ang ingay ng silya sa kanyang pagtayo ngunit nagbabanta. His shoes stride and stopped just infront of me.

I can't look at him. Looking at his eyes that hold too much because he is always too much, I don't think I'll survive. Bubulagta ako sa harap niya.

"May kulang pa ba? May gusto ka bang baguhin sa akin? Tell me. Because right now, I'm willing to change for you, Ruth. If you don't want me to be in the band, fine, aalis ako. I'm going to be a full time boyfriend to you para wala ka nang kahati sa oras ko kung iyon man ang issue mo rito."

"No, Dean hindi ganon...huwag..." Umiling ako, 'di alam ang isusunod.

He didn't listen as he went on.

"You gave other guys a chance while you can't even give something to me. Kasi hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit para sa 'yo ay hindi pa rin tayo. You won't even tell me what's wrong. Bakit ka nagkakaganito?"

Pakiramdam ko matagal na niyang kinikimkim ang mga saloobin niyang ito. And in one full minute he spilled everything. Ever inhibitions and resentments, he said them all.

Nag-angat ako dala ang aking tapang upang matignan siya.  I slowly gasped seeing how vulnerable he looks. His deep sets went even deeper as exhaustion and surrender claimed him.

I completely forgot about the heartbreak my mother has caused as it only paled in comparison to my heart that broke for Dean.

"Do you want me to court you? I told you I don't know how to do that. Do you even like me, Ruth? O pinapaasa mo lang ako? And this, are you waiting for me fail so you can have a reason not to make us happen? Wala kang nakita dahil naging matino naman ako, so now you're the one doing the work instead. You're making your temper as a tool."

"That's not true..." my tone lacks conviction. Kahit ang pag-iling ko'y hindi mabisa bilang kakampi ng aking pagtanggi.

Nanghahapo na ako upang makabuo ng lakas na magpaliwanag. Pero siguro punong-puno na siya kaya ang pakinggan ako'y hindi niya magawa.  At hindi ko siya masisi.

"You know what, kahit pagtitiwala mo na lang, okay na sa akin,e, " aniya habang kinukuha ang kanyang bag.

This time ay may rahas na niya itong sinuot sa kanyang balikat. Kahit ang pagpapadaan ng kamay niya sa buhok ay halos sabunutan na niya ang sarili. This is the real him.

"You can't even tell me what's wrong with you." He stated in exhaustion. "May problema ba? Is it about me? Us? What?"

His impatience does nothing to make me state my reason. I don't usually share my problems. Ang galing ko pang magsalita para sa ama kong maraming inhibisyon e ako rin naman pala'y nagkikimkim din ng problema.

"Dean," umiling ako. "Please, I can't..."

Huminga ako nang malalim ngunit hindi pa rin naibsan ang bigat ng aking loob. Hindi ako nagawang abalahin galing sa sakit sa paglalaro ko sa aking mga daliri. I just can't say it. I'm too tired to speak as all my remaining strength was spent on my hate.

"Trust is what you don't have, but it's one of the things that I have on you." Shivers claimed me hearing the cold in Dean's voice. "I don't think I can give you a proper relationship if you yourself don't want an 'us' to happen, Ruthzielle."

Kung hindi ko natukod ang sarili sa silya ay babagsak ako sa nagbabantang pagtiklop ng aking mga tuhod. Kinukulong ko ang sarili sa pakiramdam na hindi ko namalayang nakalabas na si Dean pagkatapos ng isang malakas na pagsara ng pinto. 

He walked out on me. I watched him walk away until my eyes couldn't reach him anymore. He was the first to leave from a conversation this time.

Maybe this speaks for something. Maybe this means an omen. Maybe this is the end.