Gumalaw si Dean sa aking tabi dahilan kung bakit ako naggising. I saw how our positions are in contrast. Nakadapa siya at halos nakadagan na sa akin. Eyes still closed, he sighed and pulled me closer.

He 's murmuring something vague. Kumunot ang noo ko habang sinusubukang basahin ang salita sa labi niya. But I understood nothing.

"Ano iyon, Dean?" I asked in my sleepy voice.

He didn't answer but his mouth twitched. His lips also pursed a little bit before it went back into a thin straight line. Mahimbing na ulit siyang natutulog. Is he talking in his sleep?

Mahina akong natawa at nagpalit ng posisiyon. I'm in side –lying now, facing him. Sinisiksik ko ang sarili sa kanya, and now I feel warmer. Ramdam ko ang braso niyang humigpit, tila sumang ayon sa aking ginawa.

Ngumiwi ako nang makadama ng sakit. Me being sore is undeniable. Parang pinutulan ako ng binti!

But in his soothing and slow respirations, it lulls me backto sleep again. But instead of doing so, I stared at him. Nakatakip ang ilang hibla ng kanyang buhok sa noo niya. In his tan Caucasian skin, his long lashes and angled eyebrows are the only dark parts about it. His narrow nose is slightly red. Kahit iyong mga balikat niya ay namumula pa rin.

Uminit ang pisngi ko at nagpigil ng ngiti nang maalala kung bakit.

Inabot ko ang mole niya sa ibaba ng kanyang panga. The tiny stubble in his chin suits him very well. Dean is truly rough and at times, rude. His tattoos and scruff just made him more so. Kung papakawalan ko pa siya ay masisiraan na talaga ako ng bait. He's going to be my priority from now on.

" What are you staring at?" His sleepy hoarse voice vibrated.

Mabagal ang kanyang pagdilat. Hazel green eyes are hazy and semi bloodshot from sleep. Ang aktong pumipikit pikit na mga mata niya ay nakakapanghina. He looks exhausted but content at the same time and I want to be the reason.

" Sore?" he teased, sabay gumapang ang kamay niya pababa.

Tinapik ko ang kanyang pisngi at umirap. He chuckled raspily at mas hinila pa ako. Nilibing niya ang mukha sa aking leeg. I let him kiss my neck because...I'm obsessed with it. Sinusuklay ko ang kanyang buhok habang nakatingala sa puting kisame.

How I wish to extend this kind of morning. Kung hindi lang ulit ako binabagabag ng kahapon. I shouldn't be thinking about it but the crying image of her broke me a bit. And ...Jillian. I wonder if she has already braved out the truth to the public.

Dinampian niya ako ng halik sa pisngi dahilanupnag lingunin ko siya. Dean's eyes were burning and a lil' bit steamy.

"Stop thinking about my schedule. I'll ask Marcus to handle them. We'll spend the day here...alone." He smirked.

Ngumiti ako. Miski ako ay ayaw nang umalis sa kama. Besides the fact that it is still 'agonizing' down there.

"I'll just check my phone. "

"Use mine."

Umuga ang kama sa kanyang pagkilos. He went to the edge of the bed and reached down for something. His pants. He's digging his phone from his pants.

Nilingon niya ako at nagtama ang aming paningin. His smirk tamed the shivers to conquer my spine. Ngumuso ako at umirap saka tinalukbong ang kumot sa aking mukha. Parang inaatake ako ng lagnat!

I don't even remember a microscopic shame of my myself the way I was so loud last night. Pinanginigan ako ng kalamnan nang umalingawngaw sa akin ang sariling boses. There was this urge for me to deny my own voice!

Dinaganan ako ni Dean habang humalakhak siya. Sinubukan nitong tanggalin ang kumot sa aking mukha ngunit nagmatigas ako. He tickled me.

"Dean!"

He laughed some more. At dahil hindi na ako makahinga sa ilalim ay inalis ko ang kumot at tinaliman siya ng tingin.

He slightly pulled himself without withdrawing his body from mine, sapat lang upang madungaw ako. His smile reached his now amused teasing eyes. Sa kalagitnaan nito ay namumungay rin ang mga mata. Hinawi niya ang nagulo kong buhok na humaharang sa aking mukha.

"Here." He gave me his phone, then dropped a kiss in my lips as I held it. Pinanood ko siyang umupo sa dulo ng kama at nagsusuot na ng boxers.

I let him do his morning routines while I'm checking his phone for messages. There are four from Marcus and one from Wilmer, the rest are notifications from his email and social media. I opened his Instagram since doon siya mas active. He's being tagged in a photo from their band's account. Ito iyong sa Cebu show nila.

"Wala ka talagang niisang picture ng sarili mo," sabi ko habang nagso-scroll ng kanyang mga pictures.

"I hate selfies." His voice echoed from the bathroom. He's brushing his teeth.

"It doesn't have to be necessarily a selfie. A stolen shot would do. Or kahit iyong shots mo sa mga magazines kung saan kayo may article."

Hindi na niya ako sinagot. Dahil pagod pa talaga akong tumayo at tinatamad din dahil masakit pa nga roon, nanatili akong nakahiga sa kama habang sinusundan siya ng tingin mula sa banyo.

Yeah, I am blatantly checking him out. Bakit ko pa itatangggi kung gusto ko naman ang pinapanood ko. Better than the teleseryes on tv.

Dinampi niya sa basang mukha ang dulo ng white towel na nakasabit sa kanan niyang balikat. In his still wet hand, he combed it along his hair kaya medyo nabasa rin ang buhok niya.

He picked up his dark jeans at the bottom of the bed. I licked my lips as I opened the video icon of the app. Tinapat ko iyon sa kanya nang hindi niya namamalayan.

I clicked the play button when he started putting on his pants. Having the glass wall as the backdrop with the view of the morning city outside, it was a perfect setting.

Nai-zipper na niya ang jeans pagkatapos saka pinasidahan ang buhok sa kanyang kamay. I followed the trail of his fingers along his strands. His obvious happy trail and Hercules' Girdles are not to be ignored. My heartbeat raced madly remembering last night.

Pinindot ko ang button para mag-stop dahil nag angat na siya ng ulo.

I posted the video. It wouldn't take long before he finds out what I did. Sa tingin ko naman ay hindi siya magagalit.

I went to his feed and wait for the video to load. Napahinto ako nang may mapansin na post na naka upload bago iyong video. I clicked on it and I caught my breath. Picture namin ang naka-post.

My bare back was facing the camera at halos nakadagan na ako kay Dean habang nakayakap sa kanya. My head was on his chest. Ang kamay niya ay nasa hubad kong likod, while the other one was probably holding his phone. Kaunti lamang na parte ng kumot ang nakikita dahil sa square width ng picture.

And Dean...his hair was an absolute gorgeous mess. Tanging ang namumungay at nang-aakit niyang mga mata ang nakikita dahil natatakpan ng buhok ko ang ilong at labi niya. It was as if he was kissing my head behind those messy locks of mine.

Napaupo ako sa kama at bumilis ang paghinga. I didn't know about this. Inuugoy ako ng pagwawala ng aking puso. Mukhang himbing na himbing ang tulog ko rito. He captured this last night? O kaninang madaling araw?

Ilang sandali akong tulala sa picture bago binaba ang tingin sa caption.

Is ceol mo chroí thú, elleizhtur

Kumunot ang noo ko.I still wonder about its meaning. Ang naalala ko ay naging isa rin 'to sa mga lyrics ng kanta nila. Which he solely composed by the way.

I scrolled down to read the comments and find out more.

OMG! Ito yung girl!

Miss Seventeen? She's Miss seventeen?

This is definitely not Jaillin.

Goals!!!

Hala! Dean why???

You are the music of my heart...don't know the last one

Wasak heart ko!

Mas makinis pa iyong likod ng girl kesa sa mukha ko. Bakit, Dean?

My JaiDean heart died. I think I'm shipping this more. Mas intimate. Sa kanila kasi ni J ay parang walang connection.

Waaaa!!! Hindi ko kinaya 'to! *hyperventilate

"Ruth?"

Nag angat ako kay Dean. Sa nakikitang pagkalito niya ay doon ko namalayan na nakaawang ang aking bibig. Unti unti kong hinarap sa kanya ang picture sa screen.

Lumapit siya upang mas matignan ito. Lalong nasunog ang aking pisngi sa init nang ngumuso siya at umalsa ang kilay bago bumaling sa akin.

Kita ko ang pagbaba ng mga mata niya sa aking dibdib. That's when I find out that my whole chest was exposed. I quickly picked the bottom part of the white blanket and covered my chest. His lips lifted for a crooked and meaningful smile, na tila nababasa niya ang nasa isip ko at iyon ang mga nangyari sa backstage at kagabi!

"What's your question? That's us last night, yes," kaswal nitong sabi, na parang hindi ako nito binabaliw.

Tumikhim ako. "Th-the caption..."

Matagal niya akong tinitigan bago siya humugot nang malalim na hininga. I neither complained nor reacted when he crouched to lift me off the bed. He sat at the edge of it and made me straddle him.

Inangat ko ang kumot upang matakpan muli ang dibdib ngunit hinawakan niya ang aking palapulsuhan upang ibaba iyon. Kabilang na ang kumot. I whimpered when his large talented hands pushed my back so our chest would touched skin to skin. Warmth against another warmth.

Napahawak ako sa kanyang balikat. His fiery breath burned and tickled my ear and neck as his lips neared.

"You are the music of my heart, Ruthzielle..." he whispered.

Hindi ko alam kung paano pa nagawa ng puso kong tumibok kahit tunaw na tunaw na ito. I smiled softly, but I couldn't even look at him kaya binaon ko ang aking mukha sa kanyang leeg.

"Nahihiya si Ruth...." He was silently laughing!

Hinampas ko siya sa kanyang pang-aasar. Lalo siyang natawa.

Sinuot niya sa akin ang malaki niyang shirt bago bumaba para sa breakfast. Nagpahatid na lang kami ng pagkain dahil pareho kaming tinamad magluto. I made coffee for us, though.

Pagkatapos gawin ang kape ay dinala niya ito sa music room. He's on with the piano again, composing the songs that would make into to the deluxe edition of the album.

I don't want to distract him with his work so I stayed in the living room. Hihintayin ko rin naman iyong pinahatid na pagkain. And while waiting, I planned on reading the magazine that caught my attention. Sila ang nasa cover. Ito 'yong magazine kung saan meron silang individual shots.

The modern face of the country's Indie alternative rock for this month's 5th anniversary issue.

In this ten page article are the new royalties of rock and roll. The way they deliver the music brings us back to the 90's where MTV still plays music videos instead of reality shows.

Love. Sex. Rock and Roll. This is the title of the article for him. Three pages na pinangunahan ng buo at malaking picture ng kanyang mukha bago ang interview sa next page.

His lustful black-lined eyes along with the dark long lashes were very sharpened on the picture as he was staring at himself while licking the mirror. Licking! Kita ang gaspang niya rito habang masidhi ang tingin. Medyo magulo ang bangs at kitang kita ang dila niyang nakalapat sa salamin.

Below was a quoted sentence stripped from his interview.

"In retrospect, we tend to question the possibility of things like how would it have been. We've hit into various adversities, but with how our band today has been treading through the wave of success, I wouldn't have it any other way nevertheless.

Mainstream is not our commodity but I suddenly found ourselves being in that position right now. We could be pop friendly but we will never face away from our first love and that is rock and roll. This is much more real and raw for us, and we prefer to stick to our guns."

Binasa ko ang isang katanungan kung paano nila nagawang magtagal. To think that the said genre is not so common in today's generation of EDM music.

"Trust. Friendship. Dedication from the fans. Passion for music." Simple nitong sagot.

Naabala ang pagbabasa ko sa tunog ng doorbell. That must have been the food. Pagkatapos kunin iyon ay hinanda ko na sa kitchen saka ako umakyat at tawagin si Dean. Yet, he's in too deep with the piano na ayaw ko itong abalahin.

Siya na mismo ang kusang tumigil sa pagtugtog, tila nahihimigan ang aking presensiya. Bahagya ang kanyang paglingon sa akin na nakasandal sa hamba ng kuwarto.

"C'mere..." His tone doesn't sound demanding but it entails a soft desperation.

"The food's ready," sabi ko habang lumalapit sa kanya.

Nasa tabi niya si Sunita na kanina'y sumasayaw ang buntot. Bumaba lamang ito nang huminto si Dean sa pagtugtog. I sat on the opposite side, facing the doorway.

Agad lumingkis ang braso niya sa akin upang bahagya akong ikulong sa pagitan niya at sa grand piano. In that position, he was still able to play. Sinandal niya ang kanyang ulo sa aking balikat.

Pinikit ko ang aking mga mata, kahit hindi man nakikita ang pagtugtog niya, nararamdaman ko pa rin ang tema ng musika.

I'm never a music enthusiast, but the way he pressed the keys along with his humming, the emotion would just interweave through your soul and only with an innate talent is capable of that.

It's equal parts ethereal and dark nostalgic juxtaposed with a melancholic and deep feels. Ilang minuto ang lumipas ay unti unti iyong humihina. Like a fade out. Doon ako dumilat at nadapo ang paningin sa tattoo niya sa upper arm.

Kung ang sa kabila ay ang kanyang equals sign tattoo, this other arm has a Celtic Knot inside a circle with the words in a strange language inked around it. I already knew the meaning of the tattoo around his chest kaya itong nasa braso niya ang pinagtuunan ko ng pansin.

"Meaning?" I simply asked, sabay diin ng tattoo sa braso.

"It's Gaelic Irish..."

My brows met. Meaning...Gaelic din iyong nasa dibdib niya?

"Why a Gaelic tattoo?"

It's sort of outlandish unlike when you have a Latin or Japanese. Oh! I almost forgot. He doesn't do mainstream nga pala.

Ilang keys pa ang pinindot niya saka huminto. The last standard tune echoed. Mabagal siyang suminghap sabay inangat ang kanang paa upang ilipat sa kabilang parte ng Ottoman bench. The hand that's still on my waist pulled me closer and placed me in between his parted thighs. Ang isa ay nasa lantad kong binti.

"Irish people are proud of their culture, that includes their language and symbols." I felt his thumb caressed the skin of my smooth leg. I tried not to shiver but miserably failed.

"What does that have to do with your tattooes?" inosente kong tanong.

Umusli ang ibabang labi niya habang tinititigan ako. Ang nakasanayan na masidhing mga mata ay naglalambing ang tingin ngayon. They're tender meeting my questioning ones as if there's an endless string of compliments about me in his mind.

"I found my parents, Ruth."

Lumuwang ang kalituhan sa aking mukha sa pagdomina ng gulat.

"Why did I not hear of this? Wala akong nakitang information na ganito sa internet."

Sa halip na sagutin agad ang tanong ay ngumisi pa siya. Isang magandang balita yata sa kanya ang pagre-research ko tungkol sa kanya. As if I believe most of them which I don't. Iyong mga alam ko na dati pa ang pinapaniwalaan ko.

"It's because no one knew." He bit his lower lip and slowly released them."I want you to be the first one to know, Ruth," he slowly admitted in a whisper.

Napamaang ako. I only stared at him 'cause I couldn't do anything with the loss of my words.

"Since ako rin ang unang nakaalam tungkol sa mommy mo..." Malambing niyang nilagay sa likod ng aking tenga ang hibla ng buhok ko. " But then, even if I weren't the first to know, you would still be the one who I want to know about this first."

"H-How...did you meet them?" nangangapos hininga kong tanong.

Then another question bothered me. Kita ko ang pagdidikit ng kilay niya nang makita ang pagkukunot noo ko. Para bang ginagaya niya ang aking ekspresyon nang hindi sinasdya.

"What if...we didn't meet again? Paano kung...hindi ako nagpaka desperada na makausap ka?"

Umangat ang dulo ng kanyang labi na tila ba may nasisigurado na siya. His thumb didn't leave its playground in my thigh.

He licked his lower lip then slowly released it only to slightly purse his lips again.

"I won't let whatever that what if happen." And he sounds so sure!

"It was more like a relative found me," dagdag niya na nagpabalik ng tingin ko sa kanya galing sa tattoo. "It was during in one of our Europian tours. I spent six months in Ireland trying to get to know my roots. Then the birth of these tattooes..."

"Nagkausap kayo?" My tone was sincere and cautious. I want to be sensitive with his feelings regarding this issue. Baka katulad ko ay ayaw na rin niyang ungkatin.

Nagbaba siya ng tingin at binagsak ang kanyang noo sa akin. The curve of a sad smile on his lips sent a wave of regret from my question.

"They're gone..."

"Dean..." Kinuwadro ko ang mukha niya at hinabol ang kanyang paningin.

I couldn't imagine him being alone while finding out that information and it breaks my heart.

" It's fine." Hinawakan niya ang kamay kong nasa kanyang mukha. He smiled as he met my worried gaze. " Ayaw ko na rin namang malaman kung bakit nila iyon ginawa. I didn't ask. Knowing won't change a thing much more now that they're gone. In that way, it's easier to move forward."

Hearing this from him, I realized our differences. Ang makita siyang ningingitian lamang ito ay mas nagpaigting pa ng aming pagkakaiba. Dahil kung ako si Dean, I wouldn't be abe to move forward without knowing anything. That's what happened to me with my mother. Hindi ako napapanatag hangga't mananatiling gutom ang aking kuryosidad.

"So the Gaelic tattoo in my arm..." His voice sliced through my thoughts.

Sumilip na rin ako roon nang hinarap sa akin ang kanyang braso. I traced the loops, knot of the somewhat intricate design. The words in a stylish celtic font around the circle...

Cuisle mo chroí. Amhrán m'anama. Solas m'oíche

Tinagilid ko ang aking ulo. My eyes narrowed with my slits in question mark. "Meaning?"

Lumapat ang darili niya sa aking baba at inangat ito upang matitigan ko siya. Eyes full of hazel green promises that I know would never break.

"Pulse of my heart," he whispered then he kissed my forehead. "Song of my soul." He kissed my nose. "Light of my night." He kissed my lips.

Nanatili akong nakapikit habang dinadama ang labi niyang humahagod. His kisses are slow and lazy and I still melted. Wala mang rahas ay napapaatras ako't napahiga sa piano. Dean covering my body felt like a predator possessing its prey burning me alive with his body heat.

I moaned before I withdrew. Ngunit imbes na tumigil ay bumaba lang ang halik niya sa aking leeg. Ramdam ko pa siyang kumakagat sa balat doon.

Nasa baywang ko na ang dalawa niyang kamay. I held his wrist but not to stop him. Hahayaan ko pa sana siya sa ginagawa ngunit naagaw ng kung anong nakapa ko sa balat niya sa palapulsuhan.

No, it' s not the crowned tattoo dahil alam kong nasa kabilang kamay iyon.

I slightly pushed him on his chest, kasabay nito ay ang pag angat ng likod ko paalis sa piano at dungaw ng kamay niya. Napasinghap ako.

"Oh my God, Dean! Did you slit your wrist?"

Kinakabahan ako sa naisip na maaaring ginawa nga niya. He has scars on his wrist! He traced a sharp and dangerous object on his skin!

Numipis ang labi niya habang nakatitig din doon. As though he was warring himself from telling me or not. Hinihingal ako habang nag-aabang ng kanyang sagot.

"Dean, did you try to..."

"No," agap niya at umigting ang panga.

"No? E, ano 'to? And it...."

Spells my name. Hindi ko natuloy iyon nang matanto ito.

Tila nilibing sa sikat ng araw ang aking mukha at dibdib sa sobrang init at sakit. They were scars which actually spells my name!

Labahang pinipiga ang puso ko habang tinatanaw siya sa isip na puro dugo at naghihirap sa sakit. If this is the way the scar still marked him then he must have traced whatever sharp thing on his skin so deeply.

Umiling ako. I can't believe this. Sumasakit ang dibdib sa labis na pagbugbog ng aking puso.

"Dean...." tunog nagmamakaawa. As if I can still do something.

"On my skin. Track number ten in the album," mahina niyang sabi.

Hinang-hina kong binagsak ang aking ulo sa kanyang balikat. Hot tears started to surface around my eyes. Parang hinihiwa ang puso ko tuwing iispin na ginawa nga niya ito. It may not be that grave thing but still! He wounded himself with a knife or a blade which ended ito a scar.

I kissed his neck. Hindi na ako makapagsalita sa mga nalaman. During those times, I should have comforted him like this.

"I wasn't in my right frame of mind but I was too far from thinking what you assumed I did," Dean said, tracing shapes on my back.

"Kung wala ka man sa buhay ko, atleast sa dugo't balat ko nakaukit ang pangalan mo. I always trace my fingers in this scar to remind me that there was you who existed in my life, Ruth. Haven't been seeing you for so long, I don't want to forget about you. It scared me. Kaya siguro mas ginusto kong magalit para hindi ka makalimutan."

Sasabog na ang puso ko sa mga sinasabi niya kaya hindi ko rin napigilang maiyak. Inabot ko ang labi niya at hinalikan. In that kiss were the unspoken words that I couldn't utter. Sana sa halik na iyon maramdaman niya kung gaano ako kasaya at nasaktan sa mga nangyari sa amin.

In hindsight, I think he has done much more than me. He's the one who has suffered more. Kaya hindi ko siya masisi sa dinamdam niyang galit noon.

"I don' t think I deserve you anymore..." My small voice cracked. Sumasayaw ang luha na inaaliw ang mga mata niyang nakatitig.

He cupped my face. A strong objection scarred his intense and hard features.

"That's bullshit. You always deserve me, Ruth. I deserve you the same. I always do. We deserve each other."

It was a finality spoken in silk that felt rough and good against my skin. Walang espasyo ang pag angal nang muli niya akong halikan. A protest wasn't being entertained when he took off his shirt from my body.

Studio recordings consumed the next days. Habang nasa vocal booth si Dean ay nasa control room kami at natutunghayan ang pagre-record niya ng song vocals sa glass window. That went on for four consecutive days and was only interrupted by the concert rehearsals sa station building.

"Lights here should turn to blue, then sort of a moving graphics in the background screen..."

Dean was talking to the stage director. Nakatingala ito sa kanya sa ibaba ng stage. He was mighty standing on it, bukas lahat ng butones ng kanyang white long sleeved polo at dinepina ang haba ng kanyang binti sa dark jeans at combat boots. Nakatayo ang medyo basa, spiky at magulo na bagong gupit niyang buhok dahil sa pawis. I even saw a shine of sweat from his chest.

His raspy laugh oscillated from his throat. Nasa balakang ang isang kamay niya habang hinihila ang dulo ng buhok sa likod ng kanyang ulo ang isa.

Umiiling siya at ningisihan ang kung anong sinasabi ng direktor.

"Why need for a costume change when I can just take my shirt off?" Then his crooked smile curved his lips.

"Yabang mo Dean!"sigaw ni Cashiel mula sa sulok, parang ina-asses kung hanggang saan ie-extend ang stage.

"Inggit ka Cash dahil wala kang maipagmamalaking abs!" pagtatanggol ni Skylar na nakaupo sa gilid ng stage, inaayos ang tali ng Converse.

"O, may abs ba si Dean? Wala naman a? Buti pa si Wilmer may anim."

Sinimangutan siya ng nananahimik na si Wilmer, nainis pa yata na inistorbo silang dalawa ng kapiling niyang gitara.

I went back into occupying myself with the social media. I pretended to be Dean answering the #AskDean in Twitter. He'd rather interact with the fans in person so he only seldom uses his accounts.

DeanOrtigoza @DCOVTheMetaphoricals #AskDean Ba't ang guwapo mo?

Napanguso ako sa tanong. Well I' ve also been asking the same thing. Bakit nga ba?

Sa huli ay hindi ko sinagot. Dean doesn't answer those types of question anyway. Ang ini-entertain niya ay ang mga tanong tungkol sa album at music.

#AskDean Dean! Mag-Hi ka lang sakin mag-aaral na ako para sa quiz namin bukas!

This is not even asking. Pero ginawa ko na lang at nag-type ng Hi na may smiley.

Inignora ko ang biglang paghagalpak ni Cash. I adjusted my sitting postion in the chair dahil nangangalay ang aking pwitan. Sa aking pag angat muli ay bumungad ang papalapit ditong si Dean na titig na titig sa akin. His polo was already discarded on the stage.

I caught Cashiel grinning while staring at Dean's back.

" Dean! Kailan pa nangangalmot si Sunita? And those scratches on your back are so much bigger than your cat's paws!"

Namilog ang mga mata kong bumaling kay Dean. The amused smirk on his lips ordered the shivers to conquer my spine and for the heat to burn my face. Hindi ko na namalayang nabitawan ko ang cellphone at nalaglag sa aking kandungan.

"Dean—"

Yumukod siya at tinukod ang isang kamay sa armrest ng inuupan kong silya. Mabilis dumapo ang isang kamay sa aking batok. His towering dominance overshadowed my presence that I was left speechless.

"Pat! Kunan mo 'to sa video, ha?" aniya, hindi lumalabas ang paningin niya sa bahay ng aking mga mata.

Nagpaikot-ikot si Patrick mula pa kanina upang kunan ng video ang pangyayari para sa documentary ng banda. He edits the video before posting the update on the band's youtube channel and the website.

"Sure!" natatawang si Patrick. Hindi pa pinakawalan ni Cash ang pang-aasar.

"You okay? Are you bored?" malambing na tanong ni Dean.

Several blinks passed before I composed myself to speak. Angat ang dalawang kilay niya bilang paghihintay ng sagot. Bahagyang nakayuko ang kanyang ulo, so he's staring at me behind his long lashes.

"H-hindi naman..." mahina kong sabi.

Inabot ko ang paperbag sa gilid ng aking silya at kumuha ng mineral bottle. Para na akong sinusunog nang buhay dahil sa pag atake ng mainit nniyang hininga.

Humahaplos ang kamay niya sa aking batok habang pinapanood yata akong binubuksan ang takip ng tubig bago ito inabot sa kanya.

He smiled at me. It was innocent, but not the way he looks at me.

"Thanks. " Dinampian niya ako ng halik bago siya uminom. Not leaving his eyes from mine while drinking his water.

My eyes narrowed at him. What is he doing?

Pagkatapos uminom ay muli siyang yumukod. His whole built engulfed mine whole, too as he put his mouth in my ear.

"I'm proud of your scratches on my back, " he whispered sexily. "Can you scratch your name there, too?"

Mahina ko siyang pinalo sa braso habang tumatawa siya sa aking tenga saka kinagat ang aking balikat. My one shoulder ribbed crop top made it possible for him to do so. While the A line denim skirt in my bottom have his hand so easy to stroke my legs. Halos daganan na niya ako habang nakaupo!

"Dean, ang bigat mo!" angal ko, natatawa na rin sabay tulak sa kanya. He's playfully hugging me while nuzzling his face in my neck.

I saw how the people were trying so hard not to watch us! Maliban kay Cashiel na tinuturo kami.

"Pat, Kunan mo! Scandal iyan!"

Tumawa si Patrick at hinarap sa amin ang video cam. Dean, without lifting his head from my neck because he's kissing it, raised his middle finger showing it to the video. Mabilis ko iyong binaba at pinirmi sa aking binti.

Mas natuwa lang siya. He even squeezed my legs. Ang landi talaga.

Nagbitaw lamang ito nang tinawag na ni Marcus. Tumayo na lang din ako dahil kukunan ko siya ng damit. He's heavily sweating so I think he should change and put on some clothes.

It took me a while to go back from the dressing room backstage. Ang mabagal na hakbang ay huminto pagkakita sa mga comments sa pinost kong video ni Dean last time. Hindi ko na ito na-check pagkatapos kong i-post.

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Hot af!

DID I SAVE THIS VIDEO OR THIS VIDEO SAVE ME?

Dean sinalba ko virginity ko para sayo! Ngayon na ba?

"Hah! As if." Nakatanggap ng irap ang comment na iyon mula sa 'kin.

SINONG NAG-VIDEO SA'YO? SINO?!!!

Iyong umbok Dean itago mo! Sikreto natin iyan!

V-line pa lang mukhang magaling na.

"Hmm..." Napanguso ako pagkatapos mabasa iyon. This commenter doesn't have to know.

That bulge, though. Ay! *covers eyes.

Kanina pa ako nagpa-order ng Dean Ortigoza, a? Ba't nandiyan pa asawa ko? Dapat nandito ka na sakin!

Bakit sa baba ako nakatingin? Diba dapat sa mukha? You're an innocence- snatcher Dean. Ugh!

Nagmamakaawa yung boxers. Lower pa raw. Oops

Why do this to me? @thefifthcornelius

Idol, si Ate Ruth ba ang nag- video nito? Sabi ko na e! Shoutout sa pinakamaganda kong pinsan @RuthzielleES

"What the fuck, Chuck?" natatawa kong sabi.

Sa dami ng comments ay tinamad akong basahin lahat. Sinimulan nang humakbang muli, I went to their Facebook page upang i-update ang tungkol sa kanilang incoming digital concert.

Ngunit bago ko pa man masimulan ay nangunguna agad sa Newsfeed ang isang headline tungkol sa interview ni Jillain sa panggabing talk show.

It stated that the interview was triggered by Dean's recent post in Instagram. I scrolled down to check the picture below and it was that intimate photo of me and him! It became a trending topic the day after and Dean confirmed it himself in his Twitter. Ginamit pa niya ang hashtag ng issue na iyon.

Dean's unexpected strategies. Napailing ako. Hindi nga siya nagpapa-interview masyado sa harap ng camera pero kung makabulgar naman sa ginagawa ay wagas! He'd really rather act than tell.

"There was never a relationship. We never dated. It was purely platonic ties between us," sabi ni Jillian na sagot sa tanong ng host.

Hindi maitanggi ang pamumugto ng kanyang mga mata. May hawak pa siyang tissue. I don't know if she was acting or sadyang nasaktan lang na hindi naging sila ni Dean. Na ginamit lang siya nito upang makaganti.

But of course, she will never state that in public.

Kalaunan ay nalaman ko rin bakit ito umiiyak. Numerous bashes about her exploded in the internet calling her names in which resulted her to deactivate some of her social media accounts.

"But I've liked him ever since, I admit. It's just that he's been in a long engagement with someone else..." nanginig ang kanyang boses.

I could sense her uncomfortability in doing this. Napilitan lang dahil sa oras na hindi siya magsalita, she' s going to regret not doing so once Dean speaks up. Knowing him, he doesn't care about other people's feelings. Especially those people he doesn't like.

Tumango ang host at maiging nakikinig kay Jaillin. Pinunasan niya ang luha habang sumisinghot pa. In her off-shoulder white dress and wedge, she's maintained her poise despite her being a perfect image of a poor damsel in distress.

Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam ang nararamdaman habang pinapanood ang video. I just don't care about it, or rather them, anymore. Basta ba't panatag ako na wala nang manggugulo sa amin mula ngayon. If the mind and heart are finally settled in peace, I am one of those who tends to not care about other things and rather focuses on moving forward.

"Siguro kaya kami na link ay dahil under ang banda nila sa management ni mommy. Now the band's being handled by my brother, wala na masyadong connection sa amin."

"Are you two okay, or somehow casual? I mean, do you still communicate?" maingat na usisa ng host.

"Not much now. We're both busy so wala na pong oras para mag-catch up." She laughed a bit.

At least, hindi siya nawalan ng fans nang humiyaw ito at nag I love you sa kanya. Hindi nawalan, nabawasan nga lang.

Nalaman kong mas una pang napanood ni Dean ang interview bago ako. He watched it the night the show was aired. His reason why he didn't tell me about it?

"It's not important anymore. As long as the whole world knows that it's after all Dean and Ruthzielle, that's the only thing that matters. Bahala siya kung anong kasinungalingan ang sabihin niya. Huwag lang niyang mabanggit banggit na naging kami dahil hindi. Wala," giit nito.

"But you made her assume na may something kayo," sabi ko, nalito pa nang kaunti.

He smirked. "Yeah."

Alas dos ng hapon sa araw ng concert ay halos masiraan na ako ng bait. Walang hindi busy kahit isa, everybody is doing something for the seven o'clock show. Lalo namang na-stress ang mga guards dahil sa labas pa lang ng building ay may mga nakapila na.

"I 'm sorry, I forgot to bring it. I thought I've already packed them last night." Dean's voice was so soft it was hard not to forgive him.

Kaya kailangan kong bumalik sa condo para sa kunin ang inakalang na-impake na niyang mga damit. I insisted for him to change his clothes on the show lalo na't three hour performance ang mangyayari mamaya. Hayop pa naman 'to pagdating sa stage.

Pagkarating sa condo ay una ko nang hinanda ang mga garment bags laman ang mga susuotin ni Dean. Medyo nainis pa ako dahil ngayon pa niya talaga nakalimutang dalhin. Dapat talaga ako na lang ang naghanda kagabi. I don't know why he insisted on it when he's just going to forget it on the day of the concert.

Jude:

Sabay na tayo papuntang station bldg. I'm attending.

Natanggap ko ito bago ko nilusob ang banyo upang maligo. I typed my 'okay' as a reply. Mabilis ang pag responde niya ngunit hindi ko na iyon nagawang basahin.

I didn't let myself simmer too long under the shower. Pagkatapos patuyuin ang sarili ay kinuha ko na ang hinandang black long-sleeved lace-up body suit. I paired it with my denim shorts and its thin black belt. Hinati ko sa gitna ang wavy kong buhok saka pinatungan ng black derby hat.

I wore my black choker and light make up. A rose gold lipstick. I was at the middle of wearing my black ankle boots when the sound of the doorbell came.

Nagtaka, kinuha ko ang phone at nakita ang mga unread messages galing kay Jude.

Jude:

I'm outside.

Pagkatapos i-zipper ang boot sa gilid ay kinuha ko na ang mga bags saka sinulabong si siya sa labas. Agad ang paghagod nag mga mata niya sa akin mula ulo hanggang boots ko. He rolled his eyes.

"Oo na! You're the hot girlfriend of one of the hottest man in the country!!" maarte niyang irap sa 'kin.

Lumabi ako at siniko siya habang naglalakad na kami sa corridor. I smiled at his outfit. Naka tank top ito na may malaking armhole at naka-shorts din. He has grown a beard. Lalakeng lalake ang porma pero kung makagalaw ay dinaig pa ako sa arte.

"Like, I've read the comments in his post, Ruth. Grabe lang, ha? Tinalo niyo pa iyong couple goals sa Tumblr. Like...oh my God! And you're both naked under the sheets and he took a picture of you two after doing it! I bet he felt so amaz—"

"Jude!" sabay tulak ko sa kanya, umiinit ang aking pisngi.

I knew the people are going to talk about it. I received a text from Sue after that picture surfaced out in the media. And Erika, wala kaming napagusapan dahil panay lang ang tili niya.

"What? "Jude's eyes innocently widened. "Ruthie, boses pa lang ni Dean para ka nang nakikipag-sex! I bet you had your multiple orgasms just by hearing his oh so raspy voice—"

"Grrr!" Tinakpan ko na ang madumi niyang bibig habang hinihila siya papasok sa elevator.

He never stopped talking about how sexual Dean is until we reached the basement parking.

Hindi pa kami nakalayo mula sa elevator ay napahinto na ako nang makita si Curtis na ibang sasakyan na ang binubuksan. A sleek shiny black car! Umalingawngaw ang tama ng heels ng boots ko sa konkreto sa mabilis kong paglalakad. 

Umikot ako sa harap ng sasakyan at nakumpirma ang hinala ko.

This is not Dean's Corvette and all the more this doesn't look like the van. Infront of the vintage looking car are the words Black Badge written in thin font.

"Hoy, Curtis! Hindi sa atin 'to! Saan iyong van? Or iyong Corvette ni Dean?" pagalit kong anas.

Mukhang natadyakang aso si Curtis nang binalingan ako. His hand still extended on the opened door.

"E, miss Ruth, ito raw po iyong sasakyan niyo pabalik sabi ni Sir Dean."

"What?!"Pinasidahan ko ang sasakyan. "He has another car?"

"Hindi niya po masyadong ginagamit at walang pa pong pinapasakay kahit sino.Hmm...kayo pa lang po."

"Rolls Royce, Ruth! Rolls Royce! "tili ni Jude sa gilid ko sabay niyugyog ang aking balikat. "Kuya Curts, can I ride there, too?" malandi nitong tanong.

Bago pa makasagot ang mukhang mauutal na si Curtis ay hinila ko na si Jude. Matatagalan lang kami kung mang uusisa pa ako. I have to be there at five but I've gone way past my desired time to leave.

The heavy feeling in my chest is uninvited but it's not because of a pessimist's reason. I couldn't breathe smoothly. Parang gusto kong isigaw ang bigat sa dibdib pagkatapos ay tumawa at maiyak habang nakangiti. I...I couldn't explain this. It's the kind of feeling that probably no one has figured out.

Pinuno ko ng hangin ang dibdib at nagtipa ng message kay Dean upang sabihing pabalik na ako. Ilang minuto akong naghintay ng reply na hindi na dumating. Ayaw papigil ng aking pagtataka. I'd like to think he's busy or whatsoever.

"Kuya Curtis, wala bang alternative route?" nababahala kong sabi. The traffic is so impenetrable I highly doubt we'd make it on time.

"Lumagpas na po tayo, Miss Ruth. Pahirapan po kung babalik pa tayo."

Binagsak ko ang likod sa backrest. Nanlalamig na ang mga kamay at binti ko. Si Jude naman ay parang wala lang na nagawa pang mag headbang sa music sa harap.

Dumiin lamang ang lalim ng aking pagtataka nang ibang ruta ang aming dinaanan. From here, I could see the large ferris wheel of the prominent mall. Sumasayaw na ang mga ilaw galing sa malaking stage na naka set up doon.

"Ba't tayo nasa MOA?"

Walang sumagot ng tanong ko. This is supposed to be a digital concert. 'Di ba dapat sa maliit na studio lang at limited ang mga audience? At paano iyong mga pumila kanina sa labas ng station building? Alam ba nila 'to?

Hindi sumagot si Dean sa aking mga tawag. Nasa tenga ko pa rin ang phone nang pinagbuksan ako ni Curtis kasabay ang pagbaba rin ni Jude.

"Ako na po nito, Miss Ruth,"si Curtis sabay kuha ng garment bag.

"Dadalhin ko pa iyan kay Dean sa backs—"

"Come on Ruth! Magsisimula na!" Kinuha ni Jude ang bag at phone ko upang itapon pabalik sa loob.

Wala na akong nagawa nang hinila na ako upang makipagsiksikan sa mga tao. The scene brought me back to the last experience I had during one of the band's show. the first time I've seen him in person after seven long years.

"T-teka...ticket?"

Mukhang hindi iyon narinig ni Jude. Nang tinuro niya ako sa ticket girl na parang kilala ako nito ay mas lalo lamang akong naguluhan.

"She's Ruthzielle! " si Jude.

Tumango ang babae at minuestra kami papasok.

"What? Jude ano 'to?" paghihisterikal ko. "At nasa VIP pa talaga tayo?"

"Hala ka, ha! Pinasakay tayo ni Dean sa kanyang Rolls Royce tapos doon ka lang niya ilalagay sa may cheap ticket? As if papayag si Dean niyan! Hatakin ka pa nun sa stage para doon ka talaga sa gilid niya habang nagco-concert siya."

My confusion shut me up for the whole time I was being dragged inside the crowd. Nasa VIP man ay hindi talaga kami malapit sa stage. We're actually in the middle of the crowd . Nagbigay daan sa akin ang mga tao na parang reyna akong dumadaan.

Sa laki pa naman ng hat ko ay siguro nahawi din sila nito.

Hindi ko mahulaan kung paano ito nangyari. Naka set up na ang instrumento sa stage at naghihiyawan ang mga tao, sinisigaw ang pangalan lalo na ang kay Dean. May nakita pa akong tila nangisay, nagwawala, umiiyak at kung anu-ano pang kabaliwan at hindi ko naman sila masisi doon.

We are in the concert grounds, and it only means that a huge number of people are expected to attend. Lumagpas pa nga sa kahit kaninong expectation sa dami ng tao. Greater than the amount of audience from the last time!

Ang stage plan na nais ng banda ay nangyari sa harap at mas pinalaki lang. The stage lights included and the background screen.

"I'm so excited!" Jude was giddy beside me.

"Mukha namang first time mo maka-attend ng concert."

Malandi siyang tumawa. "Makikita ko ulit kasi si Wilmer."

Ngumiti ako ngunit hindi pa rin mapakali. How was this even possible?

The hissing sound from the stage activated the deafening screams from the crowd. Tila niyuyogyog ng mga sigawan nila ang aking buto, kalamnan at tenga. Hindi ko mapigil ang malaking ngiti nang isa isa silang umaakyat sa stage sa likod ng usok na bumubuga sa magkabilang panig ng entablado.

Cash was the first to step out, followed by Sky, Wilmer and...

"Dean!!!" Parang tinanggalan ng lalamunan ang kung sino mang sumigaw na iyon.

"Whoo! The Metaphoricals!" sabay kong sigaw habang tumatalon. Sumunod si Jude sa tabi ko.

"Yaaahhh! Dean!!!" Tilian mula sa likod dahil humalik na ang bibig ni Dean sa microphone.

Once again, he's wearing his red bandana. At kahit kasisimula pa lang ay nakabukas na agad lahat ng butones ng kanyang long sleeved polo.

Wilmer was strumming the guitar as the song's introduction. Hindi na magkarinigan nang magsimula nang kumanta si Dean na sinabayan na rin ng mga tao.

"Let's take our time

While it's still ours to take

'Cause some things hardly change

But nothing ever stays the same..."

Kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay parang kinindatan ako ni Dean. Nakumpirma ko iyon nang tumili sa Jude sa aking gilid at halos inangat ako sa ere.

"Let's fall back in love
With the world and who we are
And do the things we talked about
But never did before..."

Tinanggal ni Dean ang bandana at hinagis sa kung saan pagdating sa chorus nag kanta. Tumalsik ang pawis niya at parang handa iyong saluhin nang lahat.

"Dean bendisyunan mo ako ng pawis mo!"

Tumitili ang mga babae roon habang nag aagawan kaya pati ang alon ng crowd ay nadamay. Dean laughed whil looking around the crowd. It took him less than a minute to find my eyes then smiled at me.

Wait. Parang may mali or, no... wait. Hindi ko talaga alam. I don't know what to think anymore!

"It may be bittersweet

'cause we're no longer Seventeen,

but we're still young so,

dance with me in naivety,

And follow endlessly,

The sound of reverie..."

Panibagong upbeat track ang kinanta nila. I knew their style of setlist. First three songs are upbeat bago sila mag slow song kung saan magpa-piano na si Dean.

When you enjoy things too much, talagang mabilis lang ang oras kaya nang mag-shift ang lighting at naging nostalgic blue ay alam kong mabagal na ang kasunod.

Natigil ako, huminahon din ang himig ng crowd dahil sa sumunod na tugtugin. I thought Dean would be playing but it was Wilmer who did the piano. Nakatayo pa si Dean sa stage.

Awang ang kanyang bibig habang nakatingala, the standing microphone held by his strong manly hand. Sa liwanag ay kitang kita ang pawis sa gilid ng kanyang mukha. Parang inaakit niya ang ilaw at dumaan ang dila niya sa ibabang labi. The move looks so erotic that I heard a chorus of women's sighs around.

"This is Miss Seventeen part 2: Nostalgic for Erelah."

Napako ako sa sinabi niya, sa lamig at gaspang ng kanyang boses.

Then the instrumental piano he played for me last time wrapped like a soft silk around my heart. That tune of song that makes you want to reminisce.

Inikot ko ang paningin sa mga taong nag angat ng kanilang mga glow sticks. Jude included, he's cheekily smiling at me.

Teka, ba't ako lang wala? Umigting lang ang pakiramdam na kanina pa ako kinakalabit.

"I traced places on the ghost of your fingertips.

Phantom feeling, haunting onto the cemetery grounds of my skin

Leading to my chest, the beat is unresting

Down to the ink of a heart with your name..."

Dean was speaking them softly in tune with the instrumental and the soothing back-up vocals from someone. Sa kabila nag kaba y mas nararamdan ko ang emosyon niya habang nagsasalita. His outpour of pain, heartache and longing...all in that one paragraph...

"Read it backwards

Let's walk backwards, when you were still seventeen..."

Pumikit ako nang dumating sa parte ng tugtugin na gusto kong magbalik tanaw . Nanindig ang aking balahibo. Everything became a series of white flashes of memory starting from how I met him. How I began to like him. How I realized I fell deeply in love with him.

Nagpakita ang kamay niyang kinuha ang kamay ko upang hawakan. The smile of his face. The light crinkles in his eyes when he smiles too much. The way he licks his lips. The twinkle of his hazel greens. His crooked smile when he was eighteen...Our first kiss...

Sa aking pagdilat ay nahawi na ang mga tao. Confettis started to slowly rain down on us and I didn't bother find out how that happen.

Umawang ang aking bibig nang makita sa malaking screen ang picture namin noong prom. He's smiling down on me while I was facing the camera. Nakapikit ako habang tumatawa. I looked so happy. And Dean was looking adoringly at me, na para bang sigurado na siya sa sandaling iyon na ako talaga ang papakasalan niya.

I clearly remember why I laughed that way. He said something funny. Hindi ko namalayan na kinunan pala iyon.

"Ruth..."

Bumaba na si Dean sa stage habang patuloy sa pagtugtog si Wilmer sa piano. Skylar was using another instrument to make the music more calm and nostalgic. Habang si Cashiel ay nanatili sa mahinong gitara.

Kinakagat ko ang aking labi habang nakatitig kay Dean na nasa harapan ko na.

"Just so you know...this is the last scene of the Miss Seventeen music video..."

Muli akong napamaang sabay lingon sa paligid at balik sa kanya. Talong-talo ako sa karera laban sa nagwawagi kong puso.

"We're being filmed live?" My voice cracked. Gusto kong humikbi sa napagtanto.

"And live stream."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Speechless, I roamed my eyes around the crowd with their lifted glowsticks. Sa rami ng taong nakapalibot ay hindi ko mabunyag ang nais kong sabihin kay Dean. Hanggang sa nahagip ko si Sue na katabi si daddy at karga si Arrow. With them is Dean's mother and Kiefer. Lahat sila ay nakangiti sa akin.

"Oh my God..." Natutop ko ang aking bibig. Now I am really sure what is happening!

Luhaang mga mata ang naibalik kong paningin sa lalake sa harap ko. He still has that rough and arrogant aura but the soft spot was the way he smiled at me.

Kumikinang ang mga mata niya , hindi matukoy kung naluluha rin ba o dahil sa makukulay na ilaw.

"Here...infront of everyone, live...dati ko pa itong gustong gawin simula noong mga bata pa tayo. If not for our age and your beliefs..." Umiling siya at pinaloob ng upper lip ang ibaba niyang labi.

He doesn't seem shy but more on...terrified. At alam ko kung bakit. I've rejected him before. Siguro naisip niya ang posibilidad na magawa ako ulit iyon ngayon.

The intense steel of his green reminds me of emeralds being melted by the fiery mixed of colors fromthe lights. Namumungay ang mga mata niya.

"You have no idea how much I want to introduce you to the world that I'm going to give you, anyway. Sa 'yong sa'yo ang buong mundo Ruth kapag ako ang mamahalin mo."

Nagsimula na akong humikbi. Pinagpatong ko na ang mga kamay kong tumatakip sa aking bibig upang pigilan ang pagtakas ng hagulhol.

"So, Miss Seventeen..."

Nilibing ko na ang aking mukha sa mga kamay ko. This was the overflowing undescribable feeling I felt a while ago! It was too much I want to cry the joy out.

"Ruthzielle..."

Nagsimula nang tumili ang mga tao. Hinawakan niya ang aking palapulsuhan at hinila upang maalis ang mga kamay ko sa aking mukha. Inangat ng kanyang daliri ang aking baba upang matitigan siya.

His smile was crooked but soft. Nakatapat sa bibig niya ang microphone.

"I want to forget that day I lost you, Ruth. The days I've spent without you. And now... Miss Seventeen..."

Lumala ang hiyawan ng mga tao nang dumukot na si Dean sa kanyang bulsa. Binaba niya ang mic at lumuhod sa king harapan. I was cupping my own face as tears fell nonstop while staring at him.

"Allow me to put this ring on you...and this time, marry me..."

We're filming live. This is a live stream and at the same time the last scene of the music video. But the very truth of this all is he is actually proposing infront of everyone. Infront of the world!

Here, is the man I love. How I was used to be just the slave of the waves of fate, Dean injecting me a dose of passion made me aware of my ambitions. To finally find what I truly want. If I was the one who's used to always give him a piece of my mind because of his decisions, all this time, I was the one who learned from him.

Tapos ko nang unahin ang ibang bagay na madalas kong ginagawa noon. I never get to prioritize Dean no matter how much I wanted to.

Now, I am all for him, as he was throughout his life, all for me.

Aking nilapit ang nanginginig kong mga kamay sa kanya. Hindi na ako makapagsalita dahil inuunahan na ng hikbi. Sumisinghot ako, sa isip na lang sinasabi na buong buo ang damdamin ko sa desisyon ko ngayon.

We may have become the victims of lies, wrong time and imperfect decisions. But regardless of the long years, not a thing has faded. I've always wanted to marry you, Dean. To be married with you, would be a dream come true.

"Yes, Dean. I will marry you..."

Dumaan ang luha sa nakangiti kong labi.

Wala na itong pag-aalinlangan.