Kris

I was fucked. I was so, so fucked.

Kissing Ashley was a bad idea. I should have never agreed to bend the rules, never crossed that line with her. Because now, she was imprinted on all my senses and I had no idea how to go back to my normal state.

After my breakup with Bethany, I had sworn off women. Apart from a few drunken hookups post breakup, I had abstained from any kind of intimacy. Like Dylan loved to say, I had led the life of a monk. But ever since the kiss with Ashley last Sunday, I was afraid my resolve was crumbling faster than a sand castle getting wiped out by the ocean waves.

It was ridiculous how much a simple kiss had affected me. No one would probably believe me right now, but prior to my vow of celibacy, I'd done some wild shit. Especially during the post breakup phase when I'd gone off the rails for a little bit. A kiss shouldn't have me twisting and turning in my bed. And yet, here we were.

Not only have I been twisting and turning in my bed every night for the past four days, I have also been getting hot flashes whenever I recalled the kiss. And that would lead to the dreams that I had no right to have. It was like I had become a virgin horny teenager again, only ten times worse than I was at that age.

No matter what I did, I couldn't stop thinking about Ashley and the way she'd looked at me when I'd kissed her. The want in her dazed eyes had rooted me in my spot. I hadn't felt wanted like that in a long, long way.

It was exhilarating. Maybe a little too much and I was afraid I'd get addicted to it.

Every time I thought back to the kisses we'd shared so far, my mind would stray in the most inappropriate directions, making me wonder how far things would have gone if we hadn't stopped. How far would have Ashley allowed things to go?

On Sunday, my entire family and the Martins were right around the corner. We had to eventually go back and join them. But we were completely alone that night in the attic. What if I hadn't pulled away back then?

Would we have continued making out? Maybe Ashley would have kept running her fingers through my hair as I devoured her mouth. She would have made those hot, little noises as I snuck my hands under her sweater and—

"Kris?" Holden's distressed voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I looked down to see him struggling with the weight he was bench pressing.

Fuck. I was supposed to spot him.

"Shit. I'm so sorry," I said as I jumped into action, helping him lift the barbell off him.

Holden stayed flat on the bench, heaving loudly. His face had gone red while rivulets of sweat dripped down his forehead. He opened his mouth to say something but ended up just gasping for air.

A pit formed in my stomach on seeing him like that. If I had been in my head any longer, Holden could have gotten severely injured or worse.

Ethan who was on the treadmill stopped and rushed toward us. "You okay?" he asked Holden who shook his head.

"I'm so sorry," I repeated as Ethan and I helped Holden sit up. I handed Holden his water bottle and he chugged nearly half of it before splashing some on his face.

"What the...what the fuck man? I thought I was going to die," Holden said, still gasping for breath.

I lowered my head feeling ashamed of myself. Out of all the times, this was the worst time to get distracted. "I'm sorry. I should have been paying more attention," I mumbled.

Holden closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. When he looked at me again, he was more worried than angry. "Are you okay? You have been pretty distracted lately."

"Oh yeah, I have noticed that too," Atlas piped in from the other side of the gym. "Everything okay?"

"Girl troubles?" Andre quipped as he came to stand beside me. "That'll do it."

"Did you fight with Ashley?" Ethan asked, his brows furrowed.

"Aw man, I liked her. I was hoping to have another go at the boss level with her," Liam said. "Will it be awkward if I still invite her home in case you guys breakup?"

And just like that, my friends stopped what they were doing and joined the conversation, each throwing in their guesses about what could have gone wrong in my relationship with Ashley. For all the complaining they did about not liking anyone butting in their business, they sure had no reservations while meddling in other people's business.

"Guys, guys, stop!" I said and they turned to look at me as if they'd completely forgotten that I was still here. "Everything is fine. Ashley and I are fine. We did not have a fight."

Not again at least.

"That's what I was saying!" Dylan said, snapping his fingers. He thrived on gossip and was clearly in his element. It showed in the way his gray eyes sparkled with joy and the wide grin on his face that was both contagious and somewhat terrifying. "You took her to meet your family for the brunch, didn't you? Is that what this is about? Family drama?"

"How do you know that?"

The plan to invite Ashley for brunch was pretty last minute. I didn't tell anyone about it. Dylan was known to have all the latest information about what was happening around campus, but I didn't know his prowess for gathering information extended to everyone's personal life.

Dylan shrugged. "Your mom and I follow each other on Instagram. She had uploaded some pictures of the brunch on her story."

For a second, I didn't know what surprised me more. The fact that Dylan and my mom followed each other on social media or that my mom had basically announced my relationship with Ashley to all our friends and family. Just thinking about it was causing my head to throb.

"It didn't look like anyone hated Ashley at brunch. Except Bethany of course," Dylan added. "Hmm... so it's not family drama either I guess."

Bennett, our freshman goalie, let out a low whistle. "You took her home? Damn you guys are serious serious."

Holden snorted. "Of course he did. He isn't on a mission to sow his wild oats as much as he can like you."

"Hey, no slut shaming!" Bennett exclaimed.

"It's called slut shaming when it's about a woman, dumbass."

"Then what's the term for men?"

Ignoring the bickering of our freshman teammates, I turned to face the rest of my friends who were still very much interested in investigating the reason for me being distracted.

"There was no fight and no drama. Everything is great!" I said, putting on a smile so wide that my cheeks hurt.

"That's good." Ethan clapped a hand on my shoulder. "She's good for you man. I haven't seen you this happy and relaxed since... ever. I'm happy for you."

Unlike Dylan, Ethan always minded his own business. Sure he would keep tabs on the well-being of those he deemed his close friends, but would never pry for more than what was shared with him. I couldn't remember a single time when Ethan had tried to give relationship advice or butted in in anyone's personal matters. Whenever the topic even slightly veered toward gossip, he would excuse himself. He respected boundaries and expected the same in return.

Being my roommate for the past three years, Ethan had seen me at my best and at my worst. He wouldn't say something like this if he didn't believe it 100%. So, this coming from him meant a lot.

"She really is," Atlas agreed. "Bethany's presence has stopped affecting you during the games too. You don't get distracted by her anymore. Maybe Ashley's your lucky charm."

She could really be my lucky charm. There was no denying that my in game focus had improved. With Ashly watching over me in the stands, Bethany had stopped frequenting to our games. And even if she did, she would usually stay at the back where I couldn't see her.

Apart from the frantic call I'd received from her mother that day, Bethany hadn't tried contacting me in any way. Not even after the way things ended up happening at the brunch. I was fully expecting some kind of retaliation after I stood up to her at the brunch, but nothing of that sort happened. I didn't know if this was her finally backing off, but I was sure glad for it.

"So if its not girlfriend problems or family drama then what is it?" Dylan asked, bringing the topic back to me as he dramatically tapped his finger on her chin. I swear to God one of these days I was going to strangle this nosy little shit.

"Nothing!" I reiterated. "I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed I guess."

Liam snickered. "You should wake up more in Ashley's bed. That'll fix you right up."

A very detailed image of Ashley lying in my bed with her golden hair splayed on my pillows, a sultry smile on her lips as she beckoned me toward her flashed before my eyes. The bra she had thrown at me in her drunken state was another one of the recurring elements of my dreams. Only Ashley had it on her instead of throwing it on my head in most of them. But that didn't mean they were any less heart attack inducing.

"Ha! See? You're thinking about it!" Liam grinned like he had won the damn lottery. "No shame in fantasizing about your girlfriend. In fact, you should tell her that. Apparently, chicks dig it."

"I'm thinking about nothing! You guys need to mind your own business," I said, shaking my head at them and hoping to hell that my face wasn't flushed. That would give me away instantly. "I-I'm gonna head out first. I have to meet Ashley at the library for our study session."

"Sure." Andre chuckled. "Have fun at your study session."

Atlas wiggled his brows at me. "I've had a few study sessions at the library myself. Fun times."

Holden threw his towel at Atlas's face. "Gross."

I didn't wait to watch the aftermath of Holden's move and hightailed it out of there before they could tease me some more. However, I couldn't get their words out of my head.

It was true that Ashley was the best thing that had happened to me in these past few years. Not only was I doing better academically, thanks to her thorough notes and patient tutoring, I was also performing well on ice. The contract with the Boston team seemed within my grasps now.

But that didn't change the fact that Ashley was slowly becoming my biggest distraction. Especially after the kiss. That damn kiss that flipped my world upside down and was now slowly turning me into a perv.

Turning on the shower, I let the cold water splash on me and wash away all the inappropriate thoughts. At this rate, I would end up doing or saying something stupid and ruin my friendship with Ashley. She had given me a second chance even after the horrible way I had treated her and I would rather die than botch it.

I needed to put some distance between us. A little space that won't raise doubts about our relationship, but enough to help me get my head back on straight. If I didn't get my shit together fast, I could kiss the pro league goodbye.

Maybe I could talk to Ashley about minimizing our physical touches and only do it when we had an audience and when it was absolutely necessary. That would give me enough time to let this... whatever this kiss induced haze was to pass over and return to normal. Now I only needed to figure out a way to say that to her without sounding like an absolute dick.

Throughout the ride to the library, I kept practicing my speech, trying out variations of the same thing again and again, but nothing sounded right. I didn't want to hurt Ashley or make her feel uncomfortable. Neither did I want her to feel embarrassed for suggesting that we did something more to make our dating deal believable.

Because it did! If Bethany not contacting me after the brunch was anything to go by, that mind-blowing kiss Ashley and I shared in the kitchen had worked wonders. Almost like a Bethany repellent.

Even if it hadn't, I doubted I would regret kissing Ashley. Given the chance, I would kiss her again. For a little longer this time. Until she looked at me with the same desire filled eyes as she had the other day. And that was a problem.

This thing between Ashley and me was fake. A temporary fix for our problems until we both found out permanent solutions. That's what we had decided, but those kisses had blurred more than a few lines.

At least for me. I still had no idea how Ashley felt about it. Maybe she wasn't affected by the kiss like I was. Maybe she didn't feel anything at all. And this was all in my head. Maybe I was the problem in the equation, but until I could know it for sure, I couldn't stop worrying.

There was no way either of us was getting out of this unscathed if we didn't fix this. The last thing we needed was feelings getting involved and causing a heartbreak. Ashley and I already had enough of that from our past relationships. We didn't need to pile another one on top of those.

We needed the rules back in place again. A safety net that would save us from tripping into something that would surely wreck me in the worst way possible.

My gut coiled with anxiety as I made my way inside the library. The fight with Ashley was a one off thing where I lost my shit. Otherwise, I hated confrontations of any kind. They made me nervous and paranoid that if things went sideways, I would again become the reason for something going wrong. The same way things had gone wrong when I had tried breaking up with Bethany three years ago.

Shaking my head, I took a deep breath as fear started to crawl up my chest and wrap around my throat. I could do this. Ashley wasn't like Bethany. She would understand my concerns. She wouldn't do anything extreme. She wouldn't blame me.

With that thought in mind, I stepped inside the elevator and pressed the button for the second floor. I had to do this. That was the only way to make this thing between us work.

But as soon as I caught a glimpse of her sitting at our usual table and staring at her laptop with that adorable pout on her face, all thoughts about rules and creating distance vanished. My heart fluttered at the sight of her and the only thing I could think of was how I wanted to see that brilliant smile of hers.

And that I wanted to kiss her.

Dammit, I was so screwed.