Ch. 17: Remorse
Ashley
I stared at my phone screen for a long time as I gathered my non-existent confidence. Taking in a few calming breaths, I accepted the call. "Yes?"
"Hey. Um... Can we talk?" Kris's somber voice came from the other end. "I...uh... I'm actually waiting downstairs. If we could meet for a few minutes to talk that would be uh...nice?"
That took me by surprise. I hadn't expected him wanting to do this in person. After the way we'd parted, I thought he would end our deal on a text.
"Ashley? You there?"
I cleared my throat, focusing back on the call. "Yes...okay. I'll be there in a minute."
Grabbing my phone, I slipped on my bunny slippers and headed out. I had half a mind to bring my quilt along as well, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to look like I had been crying into my favorite quilt.
The first thing I noticed as soon as the elevator doors opened in the lobby was Kris pacing near the building entrance. Our eyes locked and he halted in his tracks.
Kris was still wearing the same clothes from earlier today, but his appearance seemed more haggard. His hair was a mess as if he had been running his hand through it constantly. His face had lost all color and frown lines marred his handsome features.
Paired with the sadness brimming in his green eyes, Kris was a picture of misery. And I couldn't help feeling a tiny bit bad for me.
Which was crazy. I should have been mad at him for everything he'd said to me and yet, I couldn't find it in me to be angry. Not when he already looked like a kicked puppy.
"Hey," he said when I came to stand in front of him. "Thanks for meeting with me."
I nodded. "I had something to talk with you too. How's Bethany by the way?"
The question came out sounding more bitchier than I'd intended it to. Maybe I was a bit angry after all. I couldn't help it. After everything that happened, I needed to know that I was right. That I wasn't the one to be blamed for ending my friendship with Kris.
Kris's face paled and I got my answer.
"She's okay. I-I took her to the hospital and they did all these tests. Everything was normal."
That's what I thought. Hopefully, Kris would learn to better discern Bethany's bluffs from here on. Because clearly, there was nothing she wouldn't do to get his attention and she didn't mind dragging her parents in the schemes as well.
"Good to know," I said, folding my arms across my chest.
A part of me wanted to argue with him, shout at him for the way he had talked to me, for choosing Bethany despite my warning. But I'd meant what I had said in the car.
I was done. With him and with Bethany. He could deal with his stuff on his own.
Kris averted his eyes, staring at his shoes instead. His Adam's apple bobbed as he gulped and wiped his hands on the front of his jeans. "About earlier today... I shouldn't have—"
A group of giggling women exiting the building interrupted him. We both stepped aside to let them pass and nearly crashed into another group trying to get inside. Why were so many people out and about today? It wasn't even the weekend.
"Uh... do you mind if we go somewhere quieter? Maybe sit down and talk?" Kris asked, sounding more nervous than I'd ever heard him before. "Or we can sit in my car..." he trailed off and shook his head, "Sorry. I have no right to ask that of you after what I did today."
Another group passed by us just as a strong gust of wind blew, making a shiver run down my spine. The weather was getting colder as the winters approached. And my thin pajamas did nothing to shield me from the cold.
"Car is fine. As long as there's no driving," I said as I wrapped my arms around myself.
"No driving," Kris repeated and gestured for me to walk first.
Thankfully, his car wasn't far from the entrance. As soon as we reached his car, Kris opened the passenger side door for me. It was stupid really, but the thought of getting inside the passenger seat made my stomach churn uncomfortably.
"Can we sit in the back?" I asked.
"Of course," Kris said and shut the door, opening the one at the back instead.
I got inside first and scooted to the other end, making space for him. Kris got in next, shutting the door after him and enclosing us in. Now that there was no noise from the outside, the silence between us roared louder than ever. The light from the street lamp behind the car cascaded in through the back glass, illuminating the otherwise dark space.
"I'm sorry about... everything," Kris started, his voice thick with remorse. "I shouldn't have yelled at you or blamed you. None of this was your fault. It was mine. I'm sorry."
His words hung between us, the following silence charged with the emotions raging inside me. His apology should have pacified me, but it only spurred the anger I had been trying hard to keep at bay. If there was anything I hated the most in the world, it was two-faced people.
After our fight today, I didn't know which side of him was real. Just hours ago he said that I was selfish and a liar. And if that's what he really thought of me, I would be an idiot to ignore that just because he apologized now.
"I am truly sorry, Ashley. I promise it won't happen again," he added when I didn't respond. "Please say something."
Heaving a sigh, I rubbed the bridge of my nose. "I don't know if I can believe you, Kris. You say one thing and do something else. You're saying that it wasn't my fault, but just hours ago you were yelling at me and blaming me."
"And I was wrong for doing that. I wasn't thinking straight and I—"
"You said you wanted Bethany off your back and then you went running to her, not caring about anything else," I interjected, my voice rising as the frustration from earlier came back with a vengeance.
I shut my eyes and took a few calming breaths. "I understand you were worried about Bethany, but that doesn't mean you can act like this. You knew how I felt about Shane and yet you—" I shook my head. "You really hurt me, Kris."
Kris averted his gaze, his shoulders slumping and his hands gripping his knees. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he repeated.
My chest ached at seeing him so defeated but I looked away. I wouldn't be able to say the words I needed to say otherwise.
Taking a deep breath, I clenched and unclenched my fists, steeling myself. "I think... I think we should end our deal. Y-You clearly still have feelings for Bethany and I don't want to complicate things by butting in. We can tell everyone that it didn't work out and that we parted amicably. It hasn't been long since we started dating so no one would look too much into it."
"No please. I-I can do better. I'll do better," he said, clasping my hand. "Just give me another chance. I really need your help."
I turned to face him and my heart nearly shattered at the look of desperation on his face. His usually joyful green eyes were shadowed by fear and sadness. It almost made me take my words back.
"I don't think I can help you Kris," I said. "I don't know much about you and Bethany, but clearly there's more to it than what you've told me. You still have feelings for her. And you need to resolve them on your own. I can't help you when you refuse to create boundaries between you two."
"It's not that simple. Her parents are long time friends of mine and—"
"Yes, you have told me that. But that changes nothing," I said, starting to feel a tiny bit annoyed.
This was the main issue. Kris always gave excuses instead of admitting that he was being too lenient with Bethany, letting her do whatever she pleased. And she was taking full advantage of it.
She knew that she could say and do whatever and no matter how mad Kris got, he was still going to be there for her in the end. She was literally treating him like a doormat and seeing Kris allow it angered me to no extent.
"Tell me, why have you unblocked her again? After everything she did, why do you still let her have access to you? You haven't even told your parents that she cheated on you, have you?" I asked and Kris lowered his head. "You are just using being family friends as an excuse for refusing to cut Bethany off like you should."
"It's not that simple!" Kris yelled, making me flinch and shrink back. Guilt shrouded his features at that and he turned away from me, propping his elbows on his knees and holding his head in his hands. "It's not that simple."
"It never is Kris," I added cautiously. "But you need to do it."
He shook his head. "You don't understand. I have tried doing it. I have tried—" his voice broke, the pain so palpable in that single sound that it pierced me like an arrow.
"She wasn't always like this, you know. She was sweet and kind. Sure, her mood swings were pretty extreme at times, but she was the nicest person I knew," he said.
"But then..." he trailed off, straightening himself and running his hand through his hair. "I don't know when or how things started to go wrong and she became a completely different person when we started at Wellsfield. She started partying and drinking. A lot. At first I thought it was just a phase and that she was just trying to get along with her new friends, but then she slept with her new guy friend."
I squeezed his hand that was still holding mine. "I'm so sorry Kris. You deserved better than that."
"I still took her back you know," he said, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. "She apologized, said that she was drunk and didn't know any better. So I forgave her. I even got in a fight with the guy when he hit on her again."
A dark look masked his features. "She promised she would never do it again and yet she did. Again and again, and again. My friends tried to warn me about what she was doing behind my back, but I trusted her so blindly that I refused to believe them. I fought with them for her."
"Toward the end of our freshman year, things got so bad that I only had Atlas on my side. And then Bethany said that she wanted a break from me. Said that I was being overbearing and suffocating her. I still agreed to whatever she wanted to do because I loved her," he said and a single tear tracked down from his eyes.
He swiped at it angrily and let out a coarse laugh. "I was so stupid to think that if I did what she asked of me, that if I just kept loving her, she would stay with me."
"It wasn't stupid Kris," I said as I rubbed circles on the back of his hand. "You loved her and she used it against you. Its on her, not you."
Kris's lips turned up into a watery smile. "Still, that doesn't absolve me from everything I did. I'll never be able to forgive myself for that. I hurt Dylan because of her."
Dylan's words from that day rang in my ears. I was right about Dylan being the friend Bethany hit on. No wonder he was so on edge about the whole situation and worried about Kris.
Kris didn't wait for me to react and continued his speech. He seemed to have kept all this to himself for so long that now he couldn't any more. Bottling everything up must have taken a toll on him, and if me listening could help ease the pain even a tiny bit, I was more than happy to do it.
"Bethany and I were on a break when Dylan joined the team as a freshman. He was a good kid and we quickly became friends," he said, a sad smile on his face. "None of the freshmen knew about Bethany back then. She wouldn't visit me and I wouldn't bring her up in conversation either. I thought what was the point in telling everyone about my messy love life."
"One day I caught Bethany in Dylan's room... kissing him," he said, making me grimace at the image in my head. I couldn't begin to imagine how Kris must feel every time he recalled it. "Apparently, they had met at one of the parties and Bethany had been texting him for weeks."
Kris suddenly laughed, the sound rough and harsh. "You know what the funny thing is? While she was trying to get in my friend's bed, she was talking about getting back with me."
"Oh Kris..." I wrapped my arms around him in a sideways hug and rubbed his back as tears trailed down his face.
"That isn't even the worst part," he said, sniffling and wiping his face. "Instead of questioning her, I attacked my friend. As soon as I saw him with her, I was blinded by rage and started punching him. Atlas and the others had to pull me away. They had to take Dylan to the ER to get stitches on his forehead."
"And yet, I didn't apologize to him for months. I'm so ashamed of myself," he cried and I squeezed him tighter. "I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve friends like Dylan. You know, he could have easily pressed charges, but he didn't. He still chose to have faith in me."
"You proved him right, didn't you? You are a good person Kris. A good person who was going through a bad phase," I said as I cupped his face and wiped his tears. Kris leaned into my touch and shut his eyes, exhaling a shaky breath. "I'm sure Dylan knew that back then and he knows it now. He cares about you a lot."
Kris gulped and pulled away from me, staring ahead instead. "I decided to change after that and cut Bethany completely off. She clearly had no plans to change and I'd had enough. I hated the person I had become and I didn't want to ruin any more friendships because of her."
Knowing Bethany, there was no way she would have taken that well. The look on Kris's face confirmed my doubt and I tightened my arms around him.
"When I... when I broke up with her, she was very upset. She yelled and cried, but I didn't pay heed to it. I thought this was another trick of hers to get me to change my mind. But then..." he shut his eyes, gasping for air as a sob wracked his body.
When he looked at me again, the pain in his eyes shattered my heart. "Then I got a call from her mom saying she'd locked herself in her room and..." he trailed off, shaking his head as more tears streamed down his face.
I gasped, clamping a hand on my mouth. This was more serious than I could have ever imagined.
"When her parents found out about our breakup, they blamed me for it. Said that I'd led her into taking such a step. But I swear I didn't know she would do this. I never wanted to hurt her. I couldn't imagine myself wishing something like this on anyone. I swear I didn't mean this to happen. I didn't—"
I nodded, blinking away my own tears. "I know, Kris. I know."
"Today when Bethany's mom called, I was reminded of that. I thought she might have done something similar and I... I got scared. I was terrified of finding her like that and I took it out on you," he said. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
He wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my neck as he repeatedly apologized for his behavior. The tears I had been holding back broke free when I felt him shaking against me, his sobs reverberating in the car. I had no idea Kris was dealing with something like this all on his own. It had never even crossed my mind that he could be struggling too.
"It's okay, Kris," I said and patted his back. "It's okay."
We stayed like that for a while, hugging each other. I kept rubbing his back and running my fingers through his hair as he slowly calmed down and his breathing became normal again.
Kris pulled back and clasped my hands in his. "Please. I need your help. If you leave, Bethany will think that she still has a shot and I... I don't trust myself. I don't know if I'll be able to say no because I'm constantly afraid that she will..." he shook his head, gripping my hands tighter.
"Help me. Seeing me with someone else is the only way she'll realize that she has to give up on the idea of a relationship with me. Please. I'll do everything as you say. Just help me until graduation."
As I met his pleading gaze, I couldn't bring myself to say no. Even though I still had concerns about getting involved with him, especially now that I knew how serious things were, I couldn't let Kris down. Not when he was looking at me with those hopeful eyes.
"I will help you. As long as you need me," I replied.
A bright smile formed on his face, the brightest I'd ever seen. Kris pulled me against his chest, hugging me tight. "Thank you, thank you so much. I promise I'll be the best fake boyfriend ever."
Hugging Kris back, I placed my head on his shoulder, letting the warmth of his embrace soothe my nerves. Whatever doubts I had about agreeing to help him started fading away the longer I stayed in his arms. I had no idea how I was going to deal with everything, but one thing was sure.
I would gladly help him in whatever capacity if it meant I could see his bright smile again.
Bạn đang đọc truyện trên: AzTruyen.Top