Warning: Mention of domestic violence.

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

.................................... ........................................... .................

Fear. A feeling he lived with all his life. From the very time when he was just a child. But the first time he felt it gripping his throat making any oxygen unable to reach his lungs with a burning flame over his back was when A mere 13 year old kept shivering in pain as the next whip came on his right shoulder.

"D..da...dad.."

"What happened son, is it hurting..." His eyes bore into the man standing away a little. The constant whip kept coming down by another man in the priest's uniform.

"Sto...stop it please...dad..it..it's hurting me..stop.."

His father's hand was raised making the whip stop. He was still gasping for breath when he felt the rough tug on his chin. His father's eyes were on a level with him as that man leaned down. Staring at him. Silently. With menace clear in those eyes. "You should've thought of it this before trying to sin, my son. Sin is bad remember. People who sin, go to hell. I don't want my son to go to hell."

"I..I didn't do anything Dad." A sob escape the lips from the boy now lying down in the floor, his white t shirt that his mother gifted him just before was drenced in blood. And the same mother was now looking at the same shirt while sitting on a chair. Sipping her wine.

"Shh..it's ok. Just a little more. We need to wash this sin off you. No son of mine will go to hell. We were made for heaven. Only heaven."

The boy didn't understand what was heaven back then. He had a concept. He thought it was something good. Something peaceful. Not like the blood-curling pain, he was going through..Is this how people feel when they're in heaven? He wanted to question his father. But the next whip coming down at his back left him breathless as he screamed.

And he kept screaming. The loud voice of his father eventually get drowned in those screams leaving his lips. But he didn't stop. He kept screaming...and all this while he kept hoping that someone out there will hear him. Will come for him.

Except nobody did. It was only his father, the priest and his mother who was on her second glass by the time he lost his consciousness, lying in a pool of his own blood.

Nobody was there. Nobody came for him. Nobody will come for him today either as he kept trying to curl in himself more trying to get away from the grabbing hands and loud voices. His mobile was thrown away from him by that old man who was again screaming.

"Please stop." He whispered as the man tried to go near him getting blocked by kaownah. "Pleas...please..stop..please..." His hands were over his ears trying to drown the voices. But it wasn't helping. It wasn't helping at all.

"You should feel disgusted with yourself. Such a stealthy bastard...." That man kept screaming. He kept trying. To hide. From himself. From everything. His hands were shaking. Sweat broke over his body as he gasped. To fill his lungs with some air. Except, he forgot. He forgot suddenly how to breath. Everything was enclosing on him. The whispers were back in his head. It's as if he was back to that day. When he cried but nobody heard. "Pl..please..." He kept begging, kept asking for someone, without even realizing whom he was begging to.

Every eye was on him as the screaming increased. Both Outside and inside his head. It was burning, it was breaking him into pieces, it was engulfing him in the never ending pain. It was skinning him alive exposing him to the outside world.

Until...until it wasn't. Suddenly it wasn't hurting as much. When two familiar arms surrounded him, it wasn't so hard to breathe anymore. The outside world vanished. the screaming stopped. He titled his head slowly, his tear filled eyes meeting with a pair of black ones. Unemotional, cold, merciless, cruel black eyes.

Yet, Mew can swear that he has never felt this much safe before. His hands unknowingly went away from his ears. Instead they grab onto that man's shirt. His tear stricken face met with the blank face of that cruel man. 

Mew's lips wobbled, his gaze settled at the man with so much complain, telling that person all his troubles without saying anything, complaining through his tear filled eyes about a a world that wasn't kind to him, not letting go of the death grip he has over that person's shirt. His eyes breaming with tears but till then he didn't cried. He didn't. He waited until that man pulled him closer, hiding him in that warm embrace, whispering those words for only for him to hear.

"I am here. I am here now Kid."

And that's when he let go. That's when the dam broke. Wailing after wailing left his lungs as he dug his head more inside that man's chest trying to hide himself completely in those arms. His fists held onto that shirt more tightly. Those words, those simple words gave him a sense of security he never felt before. His hands were still tightly around that man until darkness took over him. Yet he didn't let go. And for some unknown reason, that man didn't either.

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Gulf Kanawut was 18 years old when he decided to not be someone who is needed by others. From the very first time when he admitted his mother into that asylum, he knew, the people who needs him is gone. One under the grave. And he vanished from the other's mind.

And that moment, when he felt that he wasn't needed anymore in anyone's life, that he have nobody that will depend on him, he felt free. He felt as if some kind of burden was off his shoulder. Yes, it sounds selfish. But was always known for being selfish anyway.

He put himself first. His reasons first. His priorities first.

Maybe that's why he was confused. Exactly why he was sitting down in the middle of a busy road with an unconscious kid who was crying just a while before, hidden inside his arms. He was very confused, when small sobbing sound left that kid's lips making him tightened his arms around him. Why wasn't he pushing that kid away when those small hands cling to his shirt making it wrinkle in the process.

Exactly why was he here? When he should be meeting a woman who might just give him the answers behind his father's suicide. Instead, here he was, ignoring every reason in his head, concentrating on the kid who wasn't letting him go. That small coconut head digging itself more in his chest as if trying to hide from everything. As if this stupid kid knew, that he will let him do it.

The feeling was alien. Like something that was long forgotten, abandoned only to come back in full force. He felt...He felt needed...after a very long time, it felt like this annoying kid might just need him.

"This little bastard stole my medicine trolley then tried to pretend as if he is innocent."

It was only then when his eyes met with the still screaming person who was about to touch the kid again. Even the sight of that forwarding hand set flame inside him. Not the one that was comforting. It was just the opposite. The kind of flame that destroys everything. 

"Do you love your hands?" His hands were still around that kid, that unconscious body was still on his lap but his eyes were on that man, his expression giving nothing away and maybe that's why fear settled in that old man's eyes.

"Are you trying to..to scare me?"

Gulf pursed his lips together, anger cursing through his veins and the need to destroy something increased with each passing second. This man, standing before him should know his limits. By all means, that's what he is going to teach him today. But first thing first. "If you do then I  suggest you prevent yourself from touching even a strand of his hair."

"D..do you think you can make me scared like that?"

"No, I am not trying to scare you. I'm just letting you know the consequences if that hand even come one inch closer to this kid." He narrowed his eyes that were filled with nothing but venom. " Trust me, you won't like to know the result of your action."

This seems to work as that man took a step back walking a little away from them. The slight tremble of those hands didn't go unnoticed by Gulf. Those eyes showed that familiar fear he loves so much. Except for this time he was feeling something else too. His mind couldn't forget when he get here, trying to find the kid who was sitting on the roadside with his hands covering his ears, whispering something.

At that moment he wanted to destroy whatever the reason that was behind the condition he found the kid in. But then when he took that kid in his embrace, when those brown eyes met his, breaming with tears, and when those tears fall....when he heard those wailing...he didn't wanted to destroy anything. He wanted to kill. He wanted to kill whoever was responsible cruelly.

And that reason was standing right in front of him. "John..."

Jonathan was already there holding that man down in the street. "Will you kindly hold this new friend of mine a little longer? I will be right back..to entertain him."

That man gulped in fear trying to walk away but John was holding onto him tightly making him unable to move. Satisfied with that, Gulf stood up, with the now unconscious kid tucked away safely in his arms going towards his car. Kaownah was already there to open the door as he slowly place that kid in the backseat. Quiet sniffs were still escaping those lips as he slowly freed those death grip from his shirt.

For a moment he stilled and looked. Then slowly his fingers touch that soft skin, wiping the tears away. The frown between that forehead kept bugging him. But slowly he stepped away asking Kaownah to enter too. That kid didn't waste a moment getting inside.

It was only after closing the car door did he looked back. His hands closed in a fist. Feet slowly taking him to his new destination where a very scared old man was standing.

The sight of that man irritated him. The thing that this idiot was breathing, irritated him. All in all, that man's whole existence irritated him. And for that reason, Gulf wanted to crush him. Under his shoe, then threw those remains in a place where the light will never shine.

"You shouldn't have done that." His voice was grave, calm with a sense of finality. His eyes met with the scared ones, giving that same thrill of a cat and mouse game he liked very much.

"H..He stole my medicine trolly."

That stuttering voice only made a mess inside his head. How dare he stutters? If he was so sure than he should've been firm. But he wasn't sure. Still, he made that kid cry. Still, he made those tears gather in those eyes where until this morning, Gulf saw nothing but childishness and innocence. His hand fisted, his blood boiled and the rage took over. It didn't even register in his mind about when he step forward and when he punched that man in the face. He only got back to his senses after seeing that man spilling blood on the road. An audience was gathering. But at that  time Gulf Kanawut was only seeing that kid's face. As he kept landing one after another hit on that now bloodied face, he saw that kid clinging onto his arms trying to hide, he felt those tears that left a stain on his shirt, he saw those lips that wobbled.....But most of all he heard those silent complaints that were shining in those eyes. And that fact alone was enough for this man to die today. That's what he would've done if not for Johnathan holding him back.

The scene before him still satisfied him a little. The bloodied, battered body thrown across  the road pour just a little water on his burning soul.

"Now...do you realize what you did?" He knelt beside that man,  holding that ruff chin in his hand before looking at him. "You hurt him. You made him cry. That is reason enough to crucify you in my book.One medicine trolly? He can buy millions if he wants. And for this mere reason, you hurt my husband?"

His hand was together in a pleading manner. "I am sorry. It was my fault. I shouldn't have done that. I am sorry."

"Your sorry isn't enough." Gulf glared at him putting him back up by his collars. "Your sorry will never be enough." He throw him towards the road again glancing at John. "Call the police and throw him behind the bar. For molesting a teenager right between the road."

John didn't waste time in coming towards the now blood drenched man.

"I will take care of it, Master."

He didn't look back again. His feet hurried towards the car. The two are in the same position he left them. The kid was still lying with his eyes closed as his cousin was brushing his hair. Trying to comfort the kid.

Gulf looked ahead, opened the driver sit getting in, starting the car immediately. His eyes casted ahead, hand gripping on the wheel tightly, driving towards the nearby Hospital. But through all that, the frown that was still on that kid's forehead kept bugging him again and again. He couldn't understand why it was irking him so much, why it was making him want to burn everything alive. 

It was only when he carried the kid inside the hospital, lying that unconscious body on the stretcher, he understood. It was because that kid.... was in pain.

And somehow, at that moment, that pain became his own too.

......................... ................. .....................

That trace was still there. It has been here for the past few hours as he was sitting on the couch in the hospital room not taking his eyes off the kid who was lying down, The doctor changing the IV drip. Checking his pulse before finally pulling the blanket around him.

"If you don't mind me, can I ask what is your relationship with him?"

It took him a moment to realize that she was asking him something. His eyes reluctantly going away from the troublesome face.

Her question screaming at him. What was he to this kid? Anyone important? Anyone related? Do they even have any relation beside the one he forced upon that 18 year old.

"He is his uncle." That boy who is his cousin said from the chair beside the kid's bed. His face looking at Gulf for confirmation.

"Yes.." So he did confirm. 

"Just that. A distant relative." She doesn't seem to do well with his answer.

"Then what about his parents? Shouldn't they be here? "

Should they? Before his mind can go any further his cousin answered again.

"They...they won't be here. Even if..."

His eyes now left the kid's face settling on his cousin's instead. A deep scowl took over his face as he looked at the other kid.

"They are...busy."

He was lying. It didn't take Gulf even a second to understand that. But still he let him believe that he trusted those lies. The doctor seems to buy it though. She came forward to Gulf leaning down a little. If he didn't know any better he will say that she was flirting.

But, he does know better. So he could tell she was definitely flirting.

"Can we please talk outside?"A smile took over her face as she motioned him to follow her. 

Gulf looked at her then looked back at the kid. That face still looks troubled. Just like his mind. So with a troubled mind, he went away from there. After all, he needed to change this doctor.

"You don't need to worry. He will be ok. It was just a mild anxiety attack."

Anxiety attack! The word keep going round in his head. He was suffering. With that smile on his face that will say otherwise all the time. But silently he was suffering. Alone.

"So I was thinking if you are free..."

"I am not." She seems taken aback. It was the least of his worry. "Also, I am a married man. And your flerting skills need sharpening. Who the hell tries to lure a patient's relative into dating like this! Are you that desperate?"

She was lost for words, her mouth agape trying to form words with her sudden missing vocabulary. A sigh left my lips as I dismissed her taking out my phone to call her supervisor. It didn't take me even one minute to change her as his doctor.

"Listen here you jerk..."

"I am listening, But I didn't give you the right call me a jerk. I hope till the time that kid leaves this hospital you won't show me your face. It's irritating me." With that, he left that still dumbfounded woman and went inside. Kaownah was standing by then. His smile was saying that he heard it all.

But Gulf didn't heed him any mind. He slowly took his coat ready to step out even if just for a moment. He needed a smoke to clear his mind. The information about the annoying kid who was now lying on that bed was not settling well with him. It seems wrong. It all seems wrong.

"Mr. Kanawut.."

Before he can leave a hesitant voice dragged him back. He looked at the face of the teenage boy. Hesitation was clear on that teenager's face. Then finally looking up at his with a smile appearing on those lips. "Thank you. I just wanted to say..thank you."

"For what?" What did I do to deserve that thanks anyway.

"For coming today." Those eyes sparkled with unshed tears making him halt in his place. "For being there for him..this...this is the first time someone has done it for him...so...I wanted to say thank you."

Gulf looked at him. Trying to find out any trace that will say that this boy was pretending. His lips began to ask why it was the first time. He wanted to ask why that kid had anxiety attacks. He wanted to ask why that kid who was supposed to be sleeping peacefully was looking troubled instead.

He wanted to ask many things. He wanted to know many secrets. Yet he only nodded at him before taking his leave from that hospital room. The elevator was just in front. Ready for him to flee. His hand didn't hesitate to push the top floor button.

This hospital has many flaws and flirting doctors. He hated it but for some reason he liked the rooftop. Standing above the city, his hands looked for his cigarette pack. It was only when he inhaled that addicting scent, his nerves settle down a little.

Mind taking him back to where he left it. With many unanswered questions, unknown secrets lying with a kid. A stupid kid who tells others that he was his uncle. The blinking lights in the distance were the only thing his eyes fell on.

And his hand unconsciously went to his coat pocket touching an object that was in his hand till the end. He had to forcefully remove it from that kid's grasp. Those little hands were around his neck but that object, a simple ointment tube to be precise, still was clutched in them. As if that kid was protecting it. For someone.

Again, he wanted to know. he wanted to peek even a little into that kid's life. Wanting to see if behind that annoying smile there were stories to tell too, just like his.

The buzzing of his phone snapped him out of those sudden thoughts. Mild's name flashed on the screen and he already knew what he will say. Still, he picked it up, putting the ointment back in his pocket.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?"

"Running from you of course. Where else."

"I am in no mood for your joke Kanawut. Do you even know what happened?"

No, he didn't. But that tone was enough to say that it was something he wasn't gonna like.

"Gulf..." Mild's hard breathing was the warning of bad news. Yet it didn't wake any worry in him. His eyes settled on the blinking lights instead. Still, unmoving lights wrapped in the silence of the night.

"Someone killed her. Your Aunt..Fuck it was a really bad sight. They burned the whole building down. What are we gonna do now, Gulf? She is gone. How are we gonna do this now without her? She was our last hope. Where were you fucktard. I was so...."

"Mild.."

He stopped talking. Gulf knew he can sense the battle inside him even from the other side of the city.

"That kid....he is doing something to me." His voice was slow, silent, carrying itself with the air. "Otherwise, when I..I saw him crying, why was it hurting me so much? It shouldn't right? Hurting him has been my only purpose till now...so" He inhaled the smoke, eyed hardening again. "So why was it hurting me instead when I saw him in pain. What is wrong with me?"

Mild was silent just as the night lights. His breathing can be heard. Just like the sound of the other people around him who Gulf was sure was standing around that flaming building.

"Gulf..." Mild seems at a loss for words.  As for him...he was just lost. "Where are you? I am coming there."

"No. Stay there." Determination taking place. The silent hurt was going away rage taking its place instead. He cannot feel like this, that kid is nothing but his responsibility. "I am coming there." Mild was beginning to say something but he hang up. Then stride forward to the elevator taking him down to the floor he was in. He was sure now. The feeling of confusion was gone from his mind. H would just look at him and then go his way. His duty ends here.

Yet as he step inside, he found a lightly snoring teenager lying on the couch and another sitting in the bed. No sitting would be a wrong word. He was hiding, with a pillow covering that face, body slightly trembling while trying to hide himself in the corner. 

Gulf Kanawut stilled in his place. Not understanding what to do next. Walk away or walk forward. His feet took the decision instead as he found himself walking towards the kid. He slowly sat on the bed. His eyes hesitating midair before deciding against touching that trembling body. He was familiar with people with anxiety attacks. 

The soft deem light was illuminating the room. His gaze stopping at the window momenterily while taking a sit beside the still hiding kid.

Nobody uttered a word for a while until that soft voice entered his ear. "Y..you know. don't you..."

"Know what?" His gaze was still on the window glass, looking outside at the moonlit night. Getting amazed at the tranquility while his insides were burning in flame.

"Th..That I have anxiety attacks problem. You know it too. Now..now you will also think that I am some weak, pathetic kid. You..You...will also" That voice, that stopped in the middle of a sentence, sounded just like a little child who was about to cry and it twisted his insides, reaching very deep until it gets a hold of his heart that he forgot a long time ago.

"Why does it matter what I think about you?"

"It doesn't." This one tried to sound angry. "So just leave. LEAVE ME ALONE." A heart wrenching sob left the still hiding kid's lips. "JUST LEAVE ME....please"

He finally looked beside him. The body looked so small compared to him. Those shaking shoulders were proof enough that tears were cascading down those eyes again. Gulf knew why this kid was angry. It was his defense mechanism. His way of coping. After all who will know it better than him. So he did as the kid asked. More like he almost did until a hand grasped his shirt.

"Please don't leave. Everybody leaves" 

He halted in his place. The whispered plea taking hold of his heart again. For the first time that day, Gulf Kanawut didn't know. Exactly what should he do?

He doesn't know what got over him. Slowly very slowly he raise his hand again placing it on that kid's head, brushing those soft hair slowly. "I don't think you are weak, kid. I have seen weakness, I have felt helplessness and I'm not unfamiliar with pathetic people either.  So trust me when I say that you are none of that."

Two eyes peeked at him. Red, puffy, fear filled eyes. But he can swear, he has never seen so much pleading in them. Pleading for what is the one thing that he couldn't figure out.

"I am not?"

"No. You are not. The fact that you are here admitting that you have a problem, is something that not many people could do." His fingers brushed the hairs away that fell over those brown eyes. "Even I am not that much brave. So no, I don't think you're pathetic or weak. You are the bravest person I know."

That kid looked at him, a comfortable silence surrounding them. But he felt relief. The stone that he carried since the time he found that kid in the middle of the road, crying his eyes out, was slowly lifting itself off as slowly, very slowly the fear and anguish was leaving those brown eyes. 

"I am brave." That kid whispered finally taking his hand away. That red puffy face greeting him in the process.

"You are." He confirmed, reassuring the kid again, hoping that smile that he saw today's morning reappeared. And finally when that trace of smile lit that face up, the stone finally was removed from his chest.

"Of course I am. After all I have stayed with an unbearable asshole like you."

His eyes narrowed, getting ready to scold that kid but the full bloomed smile stopped him.  He scoffed instead taking his hand away from that kid who was smiling that way again.

Childish annoying smile that soon got replaced with confusion as with furrowing brows, that kid began to look for something around him.

"Grumpy, have you seen my medicine tube. I can't find it anywhere." That sight of worry made him curious. Why was this so important?

"You mean this one?" Brow eyes light up while looking at the medicine tube in his hand.

"Yes..this is the one! I was looking for it." That kid took it from him with a smile then opened it eagerly. Brown warm eyes fell on him while grabbing his right hand, pushing his shirt sleeve a little . And he only observed, with an unknown feeling waking up inside him as those small fingers slowly rubbed the medicine over his purple mark. Covering the bruise. Little by little.

Covering the wound, carefully with a concentrated face. Only looking up after finally seeming to be satisfied with it.  Those eyes met with him. A dazzling smile over that face.

"It won't hurt anymore. They said it will take the pain away."

His throat seems to be blocked all of a sudden. A heavy feeling took over his heart as he looked at the kid. That annoying kid who was looking at him with that ever annoying smile.

"Does it hurt anymore, Grumpy..."

Decades. That's how long it was since anyone asked him this. "Grumpy.." A worried frown took over that face as brown eyes looked at him. "It doesn't hurt right?" An innocent question. Childish actually. But the emotions behind them made him pause. His eyes looked at the kid before him.

"No...no, It doesn't hurt anymore." It wasn't hurting. It felt like every wound of his was covering slowly. Not with the ointment but with that smile and worry filled eyes.

He had to look away from that kid. He just had to. Because it felt like if he didn't, this kid will cover them all. "Go to sleep kid. You will be discharged tomorrow."

"Oh no. I am ok. Not feeling sleepy anymore" He almost scoffed. This one really cannot lie. It is already a known fact to him. He knew the reason. But he wasn't able to decide if he should have a say in this. If he even have the right to do so. 

It's not his place to know yet he asked. "What are you so scared of?"

He didn't expected an answer yet that kid did. "NIghtmares."

A simple word. Wavering voice, fidgeting fingers and the vulnerability this one never let him see before. It wasn't his place to interfere. It wasn't his right to step into this kid's world. But he did anyway, breaking his own boundary in the process.

His fingers brushed those hairs again making that kid look up. Eyes breaming. As if that dam will break anytime now.

"You did a favor to me today. You took my pain away." Even if it was monetarily. 

"So let me return the favor." He held those shoulders slowly lying that kid down in the bed. Then offered his hand towards that boy who was looking at it with hesitation but eagerness too. "For tonight, your fears, your nightmares, your pain, give them to me. For tonight, let me fight your nightmares for you."

That kid seems to hesitate again before finally grabbing his hand in a death grip before taking it to that chest that were going up and down with rhythm. "Grumpy...you won't let them come near me, right?" Such childlike questions this one person asked him in a simple way. Believing him so easily!

"I won't. So sleep without worry. I will be right here. I promise."

He witnessed the dark cloud going away from that face little by little as that boy gave him a little nod before closing those brown eyes, holding onto his hand in a tight grip. It wasn't long before that kid fell asleep.

But that night He couldn't sleep. He was sitting right beside that coconut head, looking at that face for any sign of that troubled frown.

It never made an appearance. This kid was in peace. His peace was gone. Yet, his eyes, they never moved from that little face that night. Not even for a second.

........................

..........

......

He is falling. Even if he doesn't know it yet. But what about the kid? is he falling too? I mean he does like that dance teacher.

Who knows. Only the future can say.

And I am sorryyyyyy again for not updating earlier. My laptop is still not fixed. I hope you guys won't give up on this story.

Till then, this is your sleepless author saying Goodbye for now. Byeeee.

P:S Do let me know how this chapter was. Peace.

P:P:S Ignore the grammar mistake. This was all I could do from another's PC.