I often asked myself: "How far can you fall until you hit the bottom?" There were numerous responses, all probably right in its own way, still, I never had an answer for that myself.
The moment I woke up, I could feel the strange, but familiar sensation buzzing through my body, especially in my hands. This had been happening more frequently and for longer durations of time as well. I always meant to tell my mother about it, but I decided that I could handle it. So I got used to waking to the strange buzzing sensation, but that morning it didn't wear off like it usually did. I was already running behind, so I soaked my hands in some ice cold water, let the sensation wear off, then rushed to the throne room.
"Sorry I'm late." I announced once I got to the throne room.
"Xalale, this is becoming a habit. Why are you so late?"
"I was feeling a little funny." I admitted honestly.
I realized a while ago that I had never told my mother about my sensations or abilities. She was the perfect person to tell, seeing how she too possesses abilities.
"Momma, I have something important to tell you."
"It's going to have to wait till after. We have much to cover and since you were late, you don't have much time."
She seemed tired today, which was rather odd for my mother to be tired and show it. It wouldn't be noticeable to any servant or guard, but to me it was obvious. If she was tired, there must be a good reason for it. I felt guilty, then, for arriving late. I wanted to please her and cause her no disappointment, but I knew that I wasn't giving my training the full attention that it deserved.
"We're having a court session today, so I want you to pay attention." She informed me.
I was surprised at that since we hadn't had a court session since my first one. I'm not sure if I'll be ready for another one, but I knew by now that there were different sides to how my mother was going to respond.
We took at our places and waited as the guards brought in a dingy looking man. His hair was as wild as the look in his eyes, his clothes were filthy, and he walked with a limp in the right leg. Immediately I took pity on the man though I knew my mother would disapprove.
"You mustn't use emotions to rule, you must resort to fact." She once told me.
It was hard to remain emotionless, but I tried to work on that so my mother won't be disappointed in me for not trying.
"Stand up."
The man hastily obeyed her command and scrambled to his feet. He remembered at the last minute to bow.
"My queen, forgive me if I have sinned in your eyes. I-"
"Silence, please."
The man fell silent and waited for what was to be said to him. I didn't know what crime the man had committed, but I knew better than to speak out and ask.
"You steal from the Crown, you steal from me, and yet you expect me to show you mercy. Is that right?"
Her voice was cold and testing. I could tell the man was intimidated, by his hesitation to answer.
"My queen, you have the power and authority to sentence me to whatever you see fit, but I beg you to show me mercy. To that I would owe you my life."
"You already should." She snapped.
The man winced, wilting in his spot.
"Fact not emotion, fact not emotion." I repeated to myself in my mind.
My mother continued, but with a more calmer tone.
"You come to me begging for mercy, shaking like a dog, while yet you were stealing. What did you steal and why?"
The man shook his head and stuttered reluctantly.
"What did you steal and why?"
The sharpness in her tone caused the truth to stumble out.
"I stole a loaf of bread for my family, your majesty."
"And what did you need the bread for?"
"To eat. We're poor and have little. We have no skills to find jobs with nor do I have children old enough or strong enough to work."
"How old are your children?"
"The eldest is nine and the youngest is a sickly baby girl, your majesty. We have five children, my wife and I. We also take care of my wife's parents- they are ailing in health."
My mother sat back, closed her eyes, and thought to herself. After a minute of thought, she slowly reopened her eyes.
"Surely your eldest child is strong enough and old enough to work." She said.
"He has a problem with his leg. One's shorter than the other. Won't do him no good in life."
"Might I suggest my solution?" She said coldly.
"Of course, your majesty."
"Your wife's parents, you said they were ailing in health. That must be a heavy burden for the family, two extra mouths to feed. If I were you, I would put them out of their misery and out of your family's misery as well."
The man recoiled in shocked as he stared wide-eyed at her. Anger filled his voice and he shook with, what I could tell to be, rage.
"Put them out like sick horses? I respect my family and life enough not to slit their throats with swords. I don't kill family like you do."
My mother stood up faster than I've ever seen her move before. A foreign emotion, I had never seen crossed her face- anger.
"You beg for mercy then insult your queen, now I will show you and your entire family of dogs no mercy."
The color drained from the man's face as he fell to his knees, realizing the unfortunate fate he had condemned his family to. Shaking uncontrollably, he begged for his family to be spared.
"Please, do whatever you may to me, but spare my innocent family."
My mother sat down, the anger slowly diminishing.
"You should be thanking me for ending your family's life here in this cruel world. They will all go where there's not as much pain. While you shall stay here and work off the debt you've made."
Her tone was as icy as the powers she possessed.
I watched in horror as the man was dragged away, crying in pain at the thought of losing his family.
"No! Leave him alone." I yelled at the guards who ignored me. I then look at my mother.
"Why are you punishing them? Why do you punish the people who need help?"
"Xalale, you are too young to understand why I-"
"I'm not too young to understand kindness and mercy where it's deserved." I cried back.
"This is part of being a king, part of exercising your power." She said sternly.
"Then I don't want to become king."
I almost made it to the door, not listening to my mother calling, when I stopped. That ever familiar sensation buzzed through my body, to my hands, more intense than usual. I didn't react when my mother grabbed me from behind.
"Xalale, what's wrong?" Concerned now lined her face as she looked at me.
Nothing from the last minute or so mattered to me at that moment, all I could feel was excitement and nervousness. I needed to tell her what I could do, so she could train me in dealing with my powers.
"Xalale, tell me what's wrong." She persisted.
I held out my hands to show her and explain the strange sensations I'd been having. Before a single word could get out a burst of dark energy flashed. It blinded me momentarily and my hands felt like I had put them in a fire. The blast of darkness overwhelmed the room, but only for several second. When it was over, I had a throbbing headache accompanied by shaky hands that stung.
"What was that?" I never had an outburst that big or uncontrollable before. It wasn't the usual thin mist that come and went like a blink of an eye, this was stronger, denser, more like a suffocating dark matter.
I noticed my mother kneeling on the ground, catching her breath. She appeared startled so I went over to help her. As I was about to reach her, she stopped me by holding her hand up.
"What was that?"
"It's my abilities." I smiled at her eagerly. "I'm like you now."
"No, you're not. There's something wrong with you."
The icy tone in her voice is what made me shrink back. It was so hostile, so unfamiliar.
"That's dark, demonic magic. You could've hurt someone. Where did you learn that?"
Her words cut through me like a sword. I took a step back and clenched my fist, trying desperately to stop the shaking.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, it was-"
"Xalale, where did you learn that?"
The anger in her voice as she got to her feet, made me wince.
"I-I didn't learn it anywhere, I promise momma." My voice wavered as I tried to explain myself.
Her voice cut off my explanation.
"Only monsters possess dark magic. You're lying to me, Xalale."
"No, no, I swear I'm not lying. Please momma." I didn't realize tears are sprung to my eyes until a few ran down my cheeks.
Why wouldn't she believe me? I wasn't a monster.
If her words didn't scar my heart, the look in her eyes did. It was the same look my friends in the forest had given me- fear. Fear and anger were the only emotions I could see in my mother's eyes. Not a loving tender look of compassion they usually held, those eyes were foreign.
I didn't know what else to say, so I bolted from the room, every emotion coming to the surface all at once.
Getting to the safety of my room didn't make me feel any better. It felt like I was being suffocated, by my own emotions.
I looked at my hands as they shook violently.
"Dark, demonic magic." It wasn't light like my mother's, it wasn't like hers at all.
It was the fear I couldn't deal with, the fear I saw in their eyes, fear like I never saw before, like they thought I would hurt them. At that moment, my mother didn't show me the side I always knew. It was the queen side of her- the cold, callous one.
It torn me apart. I was confused, hurt, scared, humiliated.
I accidentally backed into my window, knocking down my sun catcher and sending the glass pieces sprawling across the floor, creating a broken rainbow on the ground.
"You're a monster." Monsters destroy, monster cause animals and people to fear, monster were dark and demonic.
I slid slowly to the floor, sitting among the broken shards of glass, and burying my head in my knees. The tears continued to flow and once they started, they couldn't be stopped. All while I cried, I waited for my mother to come in and dry my tears and put me to bed. She would read me a story about a hero defeating a monster, then hold me till I finally fell asleep, she would come like she always did. But I waited and waited. I waited till the shattered rainbow on the ground began to fade away and the room became as dark as the powers I possessed. Still, I waited, hopeful she would come, that she would appear and bring me out of my dreamy state like she usual did.
Finally, I was all out of tears and sitting alone in a room. Then it hit me. I was alone. For the first time in my life, I was alone. She wasn't coming to take me out of this dream, because this dream was reality. She wasn't coming because she was afraid, afraid of the monster lurking in the darkness.
I crawled in my bed, tired and drained, but couldn't fall asleep.
"Dark, demonic, a monster."
I didn't think it was possible I could cry anymore tears, but a few salty ones escaped and stained my pillow.
"A monster." They were all going to be afraid of me now, treat me like a stranger. Like a monster.
So I wondered: How far can you fall until you hit the bottom?
Until you wake from the dream.