Seventeen, not eleven or fifteen, was the age when everything shifted.
I finished a project that I had planned for years, but only begun to assemble. It was going to show the authority and power I held.
My mood- for the first time in years- was a constant calmness that could be easily achieved. Anxiety became a distant emotion.
Soon I was going to make Emmony my queen, my wife, my other half. There couldn't be a better time.
But it was a balancing act. Emmony could never know about my time consuming project, but it was going to be difficult to conceal sooner or later.
I decided I didn't want our marriage to be built on secrets, so I wanted to let Emmony in and show her the finished project.
"It will be like nothing you've ever seen before, I promise you." I told her with eagerness.
"I can't wait to see it."
There was a trace of excitement, but ever since she returned from her day trip, her usual energy wasn't there. Her mind seemed to be elsewhere.
"It's my mother," She explained. "I haven't seen her since my return and I don't know, it worries me. She's always around somewhere."
I kept silent.
"Perhaps she's just been tired lately and is resting more. She is getting older." She would coax herself with reassuring thoughts, but I could still hear the uncertainty in her voice.
"She probably isn't far." I added.
She would nod absent-mindedly and continue to bite her nails.
Hopefully my surprise would distract her.
I already instructed it to be hung in the dining hall. It wouldn't be in the throne room for all to see it, but I was planning for one to be hung there as well, eventually.
The day I planned to reveal it to Emmony, I checked it to make sure it was to my liking.
I was impressed, the welder had done his job masterfully.
It hung above the table, many candles lit and casting a dim glow to the room- exactly how I wanted it. The piece held great importance to me.
All I needed to do was find Emmony and bring her to the dining hall. I searched the usual places she might be, but only to discover she wasn't there. I must have searched down every hall, peered into every room, but I couldn't find her. The last option I could think of was to head out to the stables.
Relief flooded through me the moment I spotted her brushing Valda.
"Emmony, what are you doing out here?"
She faced me and I stopped. It looked like she was in great pain, the worry plastered on her face.
"What's wrong?" I rushed to her side, alarmed at her distress.
"Something's not right, I can feel it." Her voice wavered a bit as she spoke.
"Are you ill? Do you need a physician? Emmony, tell me what's the matter."
"My mother." She answered tersely.
Turning away from me, she paced the stable, her eyes darting back and forth. She paused then continued pacing again.
"Something is wrong. She would never stay away from me for this long. I can't keep believing everything's alright when it's not."
Her worry was laced with frustration.
I stepped forward and held her in place long enough to look into her eyes and calm her down.
"I understand your concern. We will find her, I promise you that."
My tone must have reassured her enough to quiet her down a little, but the worry was still apparent.
"I pray to the Fates we find her soon." She whispered.
For a quick moment anger and envy overtook my senses. She showed such concern for her mother and her mother was close to her. They had a bond, something that connected them. You could tell more than ever in that instant that they were mother and daughter. But as quickly as that moment came, it faded away.
"I have something to show you. Maybe it will cheer you up a bit." I told her.
In her usual nature, she gave me a trying smile and nodded.
"Perhaps it will."
We walked back to the castle and I guided her to the dining hall.
I was proud of what I wanted to show her, it was something special that meant a lot to me. A reflection of my power and something more.
I paused before we entered the room.
"What?" She asked.
I simply shook my head and muttered, "Nothing." Turning the handle, I guided her into the room.
There it hung, a piece that told of my authority and power, over the table.
A bone chandelier made up entire of those who crossed me the wrong way. Their bones were my trophies, something to prove to everyone- and me- that I held absolute power and that traitors to the Crown would be severely punished.
It made me, to a certain extent, proud. The effort it took to collect all those bones, have them washed, then built to make a magnificent chandelier. Although each bone was individually washed before put together, blood still stained them. I liked it that way, it made it more valuable to me.
I had admired the piece long enough. I wanted to see what Emmony thought of it. I opened my mouth to ask her about it, but she beat me to it.
"How could you?"
It felt as if someone had slapped me. I faced her with confusion apparent across my face.
"What do you mean? I worked quite hard to-"
"Why would you show me this?" She cried. Her reaction was easy to decipher- horrified.
I could understand why that would be her first reaction, it was unusual to hear or see of such a chandelier being made. But it disappointed me that she couldn't understand why I had built it or the reason I would want to show her.
"I wanted to show you how I control my authority. Is there anything wrong with that?"
"All this shows me is that you have a lot of anger in your soul, Xalale."
She let go of my hand and turned to head for the door only to pause and face me again, her eyes trained on the floor, and her voice low.
"I could help you, if you let me."
"Let you help me with what?" I asked dubiously.
She waved at the chandelier. "With this, with your anger inside-"
"What anger?" I scoffed. "You don't seem to understand."
There was a brief silence that followed that statement and finally she spoke up again.
"No, I don't understand."
She rushed out before I could respond, leaving me alone, frustration fuming below the surface. I didn't immediately go after her; we both needed to calm down separately.
I thought she would appreciate the effort I put into the project, but I should've known.
"Foolish, that's all I am."
My usual habit of pacing began. Back and forth, back and forth, almost like the conversation in my head.
"She's upset because she doesn't understand," I thought. "If she understood the agony I went through then she wouldn't find it so repulsive."
There lied the problem: Emmony couldn't understand what I was going through. Even though she had been by my side the entire side, she couldn't connect mentally with me. She saw things her way- the normal way- and I saw things mine. I fought myself everyday just to stay in control, she would never feel that way. We were on completely different mentalities.
Finally, I ceased pacing and went to find Emmony.
Even though I started the day with excitement and eagerness, my body already felt tired and drained.
I knew Emmony like I knew the halls, she was so familiar that I didn't even have to think when I searched for her. My feet led me to the balcony garden overlooking the valley. There she sat, plucking the petals of a black rose.
"Why are you so sullen?" I asked coming from behind.
She seemed to know I was there before I even spoke and calmly set the flower besides her.
"Because, what you do saddens me Xalale. You can do so much for this kingdom if only you released that pent-up, bitter anger. It's not only hurting you, but everyone around you."
I stopped right behind her. She stared out into the valley, her voice soft.
"I want to help you Xalale, but...it's so hard to do so," She finally looked behind at me. "But I won't give up on you."
"Let's not play this act, Emmony. I'm tired of playing this act. I am who I am." I sighed impatiently.
"No you're not." She countered. "You are not what I saw in there. You have a heart, a compassionate soul-"
"You can put a wolf in sheepskin but that doesn't make it any less of a wolf."
Now she was the one slightly exasperated. She stood and faced me with disbelief in her eyes.
"Why do you believe these lies?"
"That's just what you're missing, Emmony! This was what I've been trying to get you to understand. You want to understand so much, but when you're faced with reality you don't want to accept the truth."
She shook her head and turned away.
"No, you're wrong about yourself."
Whether she accepted it or not, this was who I was. I am who I am. Those games of pretending and make believe were over- we were adults now, she needed to wake up.
She held my hands and looked me in the eyes- hers shimmering with tears in the moonlight.
"Xalale. This is not who you are. Those powers don't define you, they never will. I still believe in you."
"You shouldn't." I replied flatly.
"Why wouldn't I?"
I needed to break that childlike ignorance of hers, I needed to wake her from arrogant optimism that clouded her mind. It would have been cruel of me to leave her with such jaded ideas about me.
"You were right. You're mother is not fine."
"What- what are you talking-"
I continued with my eerily calm demeanor. "You actually just saw her, or what's left of her."
The look in her eyes changed from confused to shock back to confusion again, now it wavered between uncertainty and dread.
"I killed her."
The words came out so easy it was like saying I had just finished reading a book. I said it so nonchalant and with my voice so steady, that I wondered if it was even me speaking.
"The day you left, I saw her and,"-I couldn't help a small smile spread across my face at the the thought-"you should have seen how she acted towards me. It was as if I was nothing more than a king."
My smile had faded as I continued. "At that moment all of the feelings I had felt as a child when she betrayed me- so cruelly- came bounding back into my mind. I used my powers and I watched as the life drained from her eyes."
By this time, Emmony was only loosely holding onto my hands as she dropped slowly to the ground. Her expression was one frozen in shock, but quickly thawed into grief.
"And you know the worst part?" I said not looking down at her for an answer. "I didn't even feel any remorse about what I did. I abandoned all emotions for her as she did me."
Emmony's sobs were the only sounds heard for a few minutes. I eventually glanced down at her, her head bent down sobbing at my feet. I said nothing to her. How was I supposed to apologize for something I wasn't genuinely sorry for. I just stood there, not moved by her lamentation, holding her hands.
Several minutes went by and her sobbing decreased as well as her sniffling. She stayed crouched on the ground for several more seconds before bringing herself up to regular height. I stared at her, not flinching or glancing away, as she stared at me. Anguish still lingered in her eyes, but her face read a different story- an unreadable one.
"You are bitter inside, Xalale, you're broken..." She gripped my hands tighter. "But I still believe in you."
I couldn't believe what she was saying. I didn't show the disbelief in my expression, but in my mind it was there.
"There's still a light inside, a fire that burns for good. Your mind and heart is under a false persona of darkness. I want to help you see the light."
Those words were meant to encourage me- and on a different day, they would- but all I could feel building in me was resentment.
"You are a foolish, hopeful child."
She flinched. That was the first time my tone had ever been genuinely hostile toward her. The king in me was starting to come out.
"You don't have to fight this battle alone, I want to help you-"
"I am in no need of help. I finally have control over my life."
She gave a saddened look. "No you don't. You may not realize it, but I do. Your mother still has a grip on you, Xalale, and she's not even here. You let her words and judgements of you control your every action. I've seen it. The way you treat the people, your personality, the laws you make, it's all to please her and you pretend like it's not. You looked to her like a goddess and you've always wanted to please her even after she distanced you. She still has so much damn influence over you, it's frustrating to see."
"She has never controlled me as king." An edge in my voice.
Emmony approaches again with little hesitation in her stride. It was me who stepped back, a fire kindling in my soul.
"Yes she does. You're still looking to her for approval because that's what you've always done."
Her words were soft spoken but they must as well had been daggers.
"How dare she make false inferences about me regarding my mother."
I started to walk away from the conversation, my anger swelling and festering inside, but she was quicker and stopped me.
"Xalale." Her voice was a mixture of desperation and tenderness.
I didn't bother to face her, but my anger had started to fade at the tender sound of her voice
"You have done evil deeds that are unspeakable, killed so many innocents, but- you may call me foolish but I still love you. I have faith that you can change and ignore the darkness you feel. I love you."
Her hand gripped mine lightly. Her warmth spread through my hand.
Those words: I love you. They silenced the anger and though I didn't look at her, I knew there were tears brimming in her eyes. Those precious words warmed me for a second, but a cold wind blew by and the warmth was gone.
The more I thought about those three simple words, the more I thought about my mother, Swethyna, my animal friends. My anger returned in full force, not only as mere anger, but rage.
She didn't see me pull the dagger out of its scabbard nor did she realize the damage I inflicted upon her after I plunged the blade into her chest.
Her face was a stage full of emotions expressing themselves as reality sunk in. Shock, fear, sadness, panic, each emotion rolled across her face as she dropped to the ground clutching the stab wound.
Blood had spread from the wound swifter than I expected and a dark, crimson pool spilled onto the cobblestone floor. There she laid dying, looking up at me with tears still brimming in her eyes. Her breaths were shallow and blood trickled down her cheek when she coughed.
I gripped the bloody dagger, staring down at her, my rage returning to regular anger. Even then, watching my lifelong friend bleed to death, I felt nothing, no remorse or guilt tore through me. My face was an unemotional mask.
She coughed up some more blood before speaking in a weak voice.
"I'm sorry."
Again, her words took me by surprise, but I refused to show it.
She continued, her breathing inconsistent and easily lost.
"I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise...I just wish...I could have shown you the truth. Shown you...the truth about yourself, because you are beautiful and...you don't even know it." She paused to choke and cough some more before continuing. "Someone burnt out your light...now you're afraid to shine again, so you...learned to adapt to the darkness...you've let it become you."
I knelt down to her, my face unchanging.
"You use your guile to deceive me, Emmony, but I won't play the fool again. I don't think you understand the truth of the situation, you're just like them- or at least you're going to be. Your loyalty- your love- was going to wear out soon enough and you would have betrayed me like everyone else. I'm tired of this cycle."
There was no bitterness or fear in her eyes, only sadness, but it didn't move me.
"Your walls are up and you keep distancing yourself...I tried to break them down...but I only caused them to grow higher...for that I apologize again."
Her gentle, patient apologies meant nothing to me, it only made me resent her more.
"I just wanted you to be happy...that's all I ever wanted for you." Her eyes shone brightly even though Death was overcoming her. "But that doesn't mean you can't find happiness...I was not...the person the Fates designed you to be with. There's someone out there...for you Xalale...and I pray they give you what...I couldn't."
More blood dribbled down her mouth as she coughed violently. Her time was nearing and all I did was stare at her with uncompassionate eyes.
Even with her bloody cough and labored breathing there was still a gleam in her eyes and a small smile on her face.
Just like I did her mother, I watched the light fade from her eyes until she was staring up into the sky. Soon the usual warmth in her body would be gone and the luster of her skin reduced to a ghostly, pale gray.
Standing up to leaving, I thought about closing her eyes out of respect, but instead walked off of the balcony and paused briefly to instruct a guard.
"Collect the body on the balcony and take it to the woods. Burn it and scatter the ashes into a nearby stream."
"Yes your majesty."
He quickly got work and I continued down the hall.
"I love you...monster...devils' magic..."
Every word ran through my mind.
There was no one left to betray me, to give me false hope, I was free but at a price- a price I was ready to pay. I was in control of my own destiny, no one else.
I paused in front of the mirror on the wall.
"I am who I am." I told myself.
"I they want me to play the monster, I'll play the monster."
I am who I am.