As the days passed, my relationship with mother grew more and more strained. I spent most of my time hiding away in my room. My days became a mundane routine of getting up, getting ready, keeping a distance from my mother as she trained me on something new, her keeping distance from me as she taught me, the day dragging on until she would dismiss me, and finally me reading till it was time for bed. Throwing in the necessary tasks such as meals, my days had turned stale.
The relationship between me and my mother seemed nothing more than a teacher student one. We didn't talk about anything other than whatever she was teaching me, after training I barely saw her. Most importantly, no emotions were shown throughout training.
Though my life was becoming a gray blur, I always had one area of color in my life- Swethyna. Throughout my mother's sudden change, Swethyna had stayed the same. She became my rock whenever I felt like I was beginning to drift. She always had that warm, pleasant smile and wise words to say when I felt down. After every awful court session, I would run to her. She could always calm me down and give me hope.
By age twelve, Swethyna had become more like an actual mother than the queen was to me. She could tell when I was down and knew just what to do to pick my mood back up.
"I don't think my mother loves me anymore." I told her one evening as she worked in the kitchen.
"Oh love, that's not true." She said frowning at me.
"Yes it is. We don't have to pretend anymore, Swethyna."
Sighing, she sat next to me.
"I know you probably look to me for answers, but I can't tell you why your mother is acting the way she is to you-"
"I can. She doesn't love me anymore."
"Now hold on there. I can speak about this being a mother myself. She loves you, always have and always will."
"She may have before, but things are different now. She's this cold hearted queen and I can't recognize her and it's like she under a spell and doesn't recognize me as who I am."
With that, she pulled me into a much-needed hug for a few seconds.
"I can't tell you when this is going to end, but I can tell you with certainty that it will. Your mother loves you unconditionally."
Even if I didn't fully believe her, it was something I needed to hear to get me going again. I've been told before that nothing last forever- the good, the bad, nothing was permanent.
"Well I ought to get back to my work." She said getting up.
As she made her way back to the counter, a familiar buzzing began in my hands. It started out faint, like it usually did, but gradually became more noticeable, but it didn't have to be intense for me to take notice, I could usually tell what was going to happen with just the beginning faint buzz.
Clenching my fist, I called out to Swethyna.
She turned and looked at me, only giving a concerned expression when she noticed how on edge I had become.
"What's wrong love?"
I only clenched my fist harder and gritted my teeth.
"Is it a headache?"
Her gentle touch on my shoulder was what eased me somewhat.
"Control it. Don't let get out of hand."
"I'm feeling it." I said not facing her.
"Feeling what?"
I took a breath. The buzzing sensation was beginning to burn like hot coals in my hands- I couldn't hold it back much longer.
"My powers."
"Sounds like they're hurting you, child."
I couldn't deny that. It was becoming excruciating, something I never experienced before.
"Do you need me to do anything for you?"
Realizing I couldn't hold it back any longer, I unclenched my fist. The sudden strength of the blast surprised me, yet it wasn't as strong as the one in the throne room. Still, it was enough to send some of the items in the kitchen flying off the counters.
Hands shaky, relief from the pain felt wonderful. The after burn effect lingered on my hands, but the build-up was released.
It was only after taking a second to survey the kitchen that I saw all the damage I caused. Pots and pans strewn about, glass broken and pottery smashed. It looked as if a great wind had blew through the kitchen, destroying everything in its path.
Labored breathing broke me from my thoughts, and I turned to look down at Swethyna, who had been knocked back by the force. Dark red blood oozed from a thin cut above her right eyebrow. She looked like the wind got knocked out of her.
"Are you ok?" I asked reaching down to help her up.
She stopped me with a tone I never heard her use before.
"Devil's power. Sorcery."
Her eyes narrowed and an unfamiliar, hostile look filled her eyes.
"Swethyna?" I continued to approach her with a confused expression.
"Don't touch me."
I winced at her sharp tone, pulling back.
"Those aren't powers, that's dark magic."
"Dark magic?" At least there was a name to what I could do, but I didn't like the way she said it.
"Swethyna you're hurt, let me help-"
"No."
It felt like all of the air had drained out of the room. The scene was too familiar, a bitter reminder of the past. It was like someone was continuing to play a cruel trick on me.
"Swethyna, why are you acting this way?"
She shook her head at me.
"Dark magic is what devils practice. What evil have you done to curse yourself?"
"What evil? What are you talking about-"
"Devils' magic!" She yelled at me, causing me to retreat back.
Getting on her feet unsteadily she glared at me with animosity I've never seen before. It was like she didn't know me.
I took a hesitate step towards her, and it was only when she stepped back did I realize what the look in her eyes were. Fear. It was all I saw- all I could see. I had frightened her, caused her to be scared of me.
It hit me like a strong wind. I wanted to say to her not to be scared, it was only an accident. I wanted to beg her not to shun me like my mother was. I needed her to be there for me- I didn't want to be alone, not now. But the words wouldn't form. All I could do was stare at the only person left in my life pull away from me like I was stranger, a monster.
Not wasting another second, I fled from the kitchen, pushing past the doors out into the dark hallway. My feet, not my mind, guided me on where to go. They lead me outside to the darkening forest.
Dusk was almost over and night upon us, but it didn't matter, I didn't need the light.
I ran till I couldn't see any trace of the palace and I was out of breath.
"Dark...devils' magic...demonic...monster." The words bounced around in my mind, growing louder each time.
"Stop. Stop!" Pacing back and forth, I tried to push the words out of my mind. "It's not true, it's not my fault, it's not my fault I'm like this."
Tears of anguish mixed with frustration filled my eyes- the world became a blur to me.
I'd lost the only friends I'd known, I lost the love of my mother and now I had just lost Swethyna. All over the same thing.
"But how do I change?" My powers, my abilities were part of me, I could never lose them because they would always be there."Am I supposed to conceal, pretend they don't exist? Hold it in until it destroys me with the pain?"
"It's not my fault. I can't help it."
Leaning against a tree, I stared up past the tree branches at the far away stars.
The people in my life were supposed to love me, be there for me, care about me, take me for whoever I am.
As I stared up at the stars, my tears dried and a strange feeling overcame me.
I had been sad for nearly two years. My mother forsaking me, my friends abandoning me, now Swethyna's betrayal. No, it wasn't a strange feeling, it was a reasonable one- anger.
"It's not my fault. I can't help who I am. People who truly care about someone, don't shut them out because of who they are."
Everyone acted like they cared about me until I showed them a part of me they didn't want to see. Out of sight, out of mind to them.
"A monster. Demonic. Dark."
They were the ones playing a continual, cruel trick on me. They've been playing it on me since I was born, and I the fool, was just now waking up.
"They aren't ever going to care, because they never did care."
This thought made me sad, but that only last a brief second before anger stirred again.
"Look at the stars. They look so numerous in the sky from down here, but up there they're spread out, not even touching each other." It was the perfect image of my life.
I began to pace again, but quicker this time.
"What evil had I done to curse myself?" None at all. "I've done nothing wrong. The Fates haven't punished me- only the people I thought to be my family."
A new thought came into my mind tersely.
"Leave. They wouldn't miss me if I left."
Just the idea of running away a few years would've been preposterous, even a few months ago I would have thought it absurd, but things were different now.
I would go somewhere new, meet new people, see new things. I would live how I wanted to without any heartaches or betrayals.
I was about to go through with it until the voice of reason spoke through.
"I can go anywhere. I have a responsibility- to be king one day."
In all honesty I still wanted to be king, I wanted to rule. This would require me to stay though. Stay with those who don't care about me.
If I ever wanted to become the king Edalirwen needed, then I would have to return and finish my training.
The idea of turning towards the palace and returning was a defeating one, but it had to be done.
I didn't know what would happen once morning struck and I would have to go to training, but going prepared with the truth was better than living an illusion.
Going back to the palace felt just that. I was going to a place that wasn't my own, going back to what seemed like strangers.
"Dark magic." What was so wrong with darkness?
Wandering through the forest, approaching the palace, I realized how unfazed I was by the night.
I wasn't scared of the dark anymore.