It was harder than I previously thought it was going to be, but eventually I gained the upper hand.
My mother hadn't taught me everything and I was learning as I went.
Fear brought a unique breed of respect, one my mother tried to show me but I was only acknowledging now.
It was really a ripple effect. If I asserted my power the people would obey, if the people obeyed I would feel in control, if I would feel in control that meant I was in control of my powers, and when I was in control of my powers it meant I was in control of myself and that was the ultimate goal. I never had to fear losing control and causing destruction.
The cost of this, however, was steep.
Every time I punished someone my morality would be torn. The guilt would fester until all I could do to suppress it was ignore it. Dealing with it that way felt like the most responsible thing to do. If I had let the guilt grow it would have interfered with my duties and tasks. The best option was to hide it away until it faded.
Eventually, though, the torn feeling would diminish until I never felt it again. I was actually proud of myself- I had put aside my weakness and became stronger.
I still had court sessions, but they were different. I still would hear the complaints and needs of the people, but most of the times I would bring people to me. New policies and laws were in place and unlike my mother, I was going to implement them regardless of who broke them.
One time a young girl about the age of nine or ten was brought before me. She was a lost child who had wandered village to village and was eventually brought in for stealing. She looked contemptible and small, a weakling.
"What is your crime?" I asked her, leaning foward.
She simply shook her head and held herself.
"What is your name?"
This time she shrugged, but still no verbal response. My patience with her was already wearing thin.
"Are you mute?"
Another lowly shake.
All I could do was sigh in frustration and lean back. I rubbed the bridge of my nose before addressing her again.
"Are you frightened?"
This time she gave a quick nod.
"Frightened of what?"
She hesitated but then spoke in a soft, weak voice.
"Of you."
I sat up, slightly amused by her response.
"Of me? Why so?"
Her voice was even lower than before.
"Because...you're the king and kings and queens are always evil."
"I don't see myself as evil. I'm not like other rulers."
"You're just like her-"
I didn't let her get that far, before my temper flared and the amused expression vanish from my face.
"Do not speak of such things. I am nothing like her!"
My mother's name didn't even have to be said to cause the hatred to raise in me again.
I didn't think it possible, but the girl wilted even more. A tremble shook her and she stared at the ground.
"I-I'm sorry your majesty." It was barely audible and didn't satisfy my anger.
"Escort her to the dungeon."
The girl continued to stare at the ground as the guard took her away.
It upset me greatly to hear about my mother again, even more to be compared to her.
"I am nothing like her, I will never be like her."
I began to pace the room, my mind working to think of an adequate punishment for the child. I needed to show I was still the authority, so no mercy would be shown.
Then it struck me, the perfect idea. A memory from the past when I was still attending to my studies. I remembered reading a book about injuries to the human body. There was a section on impalement. It was rather grotesque to me at the time, but at that moment it was something new to consider.
"Guard."
A guard standing post at the door came.
"Go out to the woods and cut down a tree. The tree must be wide enough to carve a long wooden pole out of. The diameter should at least be a foot and half and sharpen the tip of the pole."
"Yes your majesty."
As he retreated from the room, I sat back envisioning how the task would be executed. It was a test so the results weren't going to be perfect, but it would going to be a start.
My thoughts were interrupted by the creaking of the door. Emmony entered cautiously.
"Are you busy?"
I was always glad to see her, but at that moment guilt was returning to me. It didn't matter if everyone else knew about what I usually did to people, but it mattered greatly what Emmony thought of me. She was my greatest support and I couldn't bare the thought of her turning her back on me.
But I mustered up a smile and answered, "Come in."
She smiled in relief becoming more at ease.
"What do need?" I asked.
"Nothing, just wanted to see you. How are you doing?"
I sighed. "Tired, but fine."
"Oh."
I stood up and reached for her, holding her hand in mine. She took it a step further and held me close. Her tender kiss lingered on my skin even as she pulled away.
"When are you going to marry me? I'm rather tired of waiting on you." She whispered playfully into my ear.
I laughed a little at that and responded quietly, "Soon enough. Now that I'm of age we can finally begin the arrangements."
"Ah."
We held each other close for a few another second before letting go. I returned to my throne with her wrapping her arms around me from behind.
"You'll make a wonderful queen you know."
She scoffed. "You'll have to train me. I have no idea what I'm doing."
"You're a natural leader."
I meant that earnestly, but she seemed to be in doubt.
"It doesn't matter. I don't want to marry you to be queen, I want to marry you for you."
"And you will. Soon." I promised
She kissed the back of my neck.
"What about your mother?" I said. "What would she think of the marriage?"
She walked from around me still holding my hand, but didn't face me. She sighed without responding for a minute, but faced me once again.
"She doesn't mention you often anymore, but...she won't be thrilled but whatever makes me happy she'll accept, and you make me happy."
I frowned and sighed.
"It's so sad to see what happened between you and my mother. I remember a time when you were so close she considered you a son." She said softly.
It was a sore reminder for me. I remembered when we were so close I considered her a second mother.
"Yes, but people change." I said after a moment.
"Mh."
"What would wear for the wedding?" I asked trying to pick back up the mood.
It worked as she smiled at me and gave a impish look.
"Something that would flow whenever I twirl. Something simple with a regal feel."
"That sounds lovely, but I wouldn't care if you were in rags."
"I guess in a way I wouldn't mind either. It's less formal and I think the gray, murky color would match my eyes." She teased.
A few more minutes went by before we were interrupted by the guard I had sent out earlier.
"Your request if fulfilled your majesty."
"Good."
I got up to leave the room and follow to where the stake was. Emmony started to follow after, a questioning expression on her face.
"What request?"
I waved her off, silently praying that she wouldn't follow me out the door, but my prayers were ignored.
"What request?" She asked again.
"It's nothing of importance." I stopped and held her hands. "Why don't you wait for me here? I'll be back shortly."
Concerned lined her face, but she nodded and I let go, continuing down the hall.
The men had constructed it in the forest so it be easier to set up.
It was a rough first attempt, but fit what I needed it for. The stake laid on the forest ground, but I could tell it was at least five feet.
"Where's the prisoner?" I asked, dismounting Atlas.
"On the way, Sire."
I inspected the stake eyeing out the errors that needed correcting. The guards didn't seem to know what to think and waited for my orders.
A moment later, the young girl tied behind a guard's horse, was bought forth. The prison guards must have played rough with her before she was taken out.
Her eyes were trained on the ground and she hugged herself for protection. There was fear, but she tried to hide it. I knew all about fear, though, and it something that I could detect with just a mere glance.
"Step forward." My tone was tight, but she followed directions.
I gripped her arm and yanked her closer.
"You should show more respect toward your king. Look me in eyes."
She was trembling now and biting her lips to hold back the tears. Her dull brown eyes met mine.
I dropped my volume to a low, harsh whisper, something my mother used with me countless times.
"You were a smart girl to be scared of me, but you're downfall is your mouth. I don't like people who break my laws, especially the most important ones."
My fingers were probably leaving marks on her arm, but I ignored her silent tears.
"You are never to mention anything about the previous ruler, ever."
I stared at her a second longer just to further intimidate her. Finally I released my iron grip and turned my attention to the three guards.
"Put her on the stake."
They exchanged confused glances between one another, but didn't act on my command
I sighed, frustrated. "Let me reiterate. Drive the stake through her rectum and don't stop until the point of the stake has exited her mouth."
The look exchanged that time was a more panic, fearful one. None of them moved, either out of fear or shock.
As much I despised my darkness, I would exhibit it in a heartbeat if I felt my orders were not being heeded.
That wasn't necessary as the men regained their composure and seized the girl. One man lifted the stake slightly off the ground while the other two fought the writhing girl. They held her legs, spreading them apart somewhat before injecting the point of the stake into her rectum. Neither man was prepared for the blood-curlding scream that came from the child as they slid her body down the rugged stake. My eyes never wavered from the spectacular nor did I flinch at the pain inflicted on the child.
The remembrance of her comparing me to my mother faded away as the tip of the stake came out through her mouth, muffling her screams. Only her anguished cries could be heard.
"Now lift it." I instructed them calmly.
They all appeared exhausted and horrified, but began to lift the stake up so it was positioned vertically.
I looked on with a complacent expression. It was a rather clever experiment if looked at the right way. Unfortunately, I didn't enjoy the briefness of the spectacle nor the end result. She only lasted for ten minutes and once the life left her, her body sagged in a way I didn't want.
But it was my first time with impalement- every skill took practice. This skill would be the one I keen in.
"Leave her body there for the birds," I instructed the guards, who regained their somber appearance. "Don't take it down until her flesh is nearly gone. I want the bones."
With that I turn to head towards Atlas, but froze in place.
A few feet slightly hidden behind some foliage, Emmony with Valda's reins in her white knuckle grip, tears stains running down her cheeks and her usual excitable eyes puffy and red. Her face read it all and that was what sent daggers through my heart.
"Emmony..." I called out in a weak voice, but she shook her head and quickly mounted Valda before taking off.
I called out to her again, more strength in my voice, but she was already off.

Night had fallen and I spent the remainder of the day locked in my room, pacing as I thought.
When Emmony wanted to be alone she often found the perfect places to do so, leaving me clueless to where she might be. She would come around, she always did.
But as I continued pacing the room I wasn't so sure.
"What does she think of me? Will she even want to think of me anymore?"
A paralyzing sense of fear overcame me and I fought to calm myself down.
I stopped immediately once I heard the sound of the door.
We just stared at each other for what felt like the longest time. Her eyes still hadn't dried and the expression on her face was crushing. She didn't enter fully into the room, just stood at the threshold.
I wanted to be the first to speak, but no words would form. Eventually she beat me to it.
"Why?"
It was a simple question with a complex amswer. I looked away, already ruining my chance to make amends.
"Xalale, why?" Her voice broke and I could hear her step into the room more, but not closing the door.
"Emmony..."
There was nothing I could add that would express what I was thinking.
"I'm sorry." My head hung low, I stared at the silver rays of moonlight beaming across my feet.
"You're not sorry," She said, a slight tremble in her voice. "You're only sorry that I caught you."
I wanted to deny that, call it a blatant lie, but with the truth weighing like a yoke on my shoulders, I knew I couldn't. I believe that's what Emmony wanted me to do; dismiss her accusations as a lie, fight for myself, but I couldn't lie to her again.
"Why?" She approached closer. "Xalale, look at me."
My eyes lifted from the floor, but didn't quite meet hers.
"Why?"
"Because I was in control."
"What? I don't understand-"
She couldn't, of course. Nobody would, that's what made me feel isolated- something I hadn't felt in a while.
My eyes finally met hers.
"The darkness. It doesn't control me at those moments, I feel free. I have control over the people therefore I have control over myself."
She shook her head, her eyes drying, but her voice still hoarse.
"No, you don't. I know you think you have control over yourself, but you're just letting your fears manipulate you-"
"You don't understand the feeling of freedom that it gives me. I don't want to lose that."
"Xalale, listen to yourself. Harming innocent people like that- children at that- it's not control, it's madness and it's pulling you in. You'll be just like your mother if you don't-"
That was enough for the anger I didn't know I had inside of me to come out.
"I will never be like her! Don't compare me to her!"
I backed away like a defensive animal feeling threatened. Thinking better of approaching me, Emmony stopped and put on a placate voice.
"I didn't mean it like that, Xalale-"
"Don't do that to me, Emmony." I seethed. "I will never be like her. Never mention her to me"
"See, this is what I meant. You're so quick to anger now, it means you're not in control."
I was frustrated. She didn't feel what I felt. She would never know the anxiety that plagued me everyday. Always wondering whether the darkness would come to the surface and if anyone would judge me if they were around. The fear of not being in control of your environment was uncertain enough, but the fear of not being in control over yourself was something more terrifying beyond words.
"You don't understand what I'm doing."
She took one step forward.
"Then help me understand. Don't let the darkness consume you."
I took a step back, which made her falter in her attempts.
"It already has. That's what you don't understand, Emmony. I can't separate myself from the darkness, I am the darkness. How do I lose myself?"
I thought she was going to say in return, but instead she just stared at me with saddened eyes. Her eyes looked at the ground now and she muttered to herself.
"You were never lost."
With only the haunting silence between us, she glanced up at me before slowly making her way to the door. She looked as if Death had struck her soul. I watched her go, closing the door behind her leaving me all alone.
The words of our conversation still played around in my head, making my mind dizzy.
"Don't let the darkness consume you."
I sat on the couch staring into the empty fireplace.
"I am the darkness. How do I lose myself?"